I need advice

[lovetrap00]

I agree with others above that say to go to his sister and ask about the beach visit he suggested to her and get it set up properly. Sure, he is probably saying it through your daughter to annoy you since he knows who he should be going through but be the bigger person for your daughter and go about it correctly.

 

As for being uncomfortable... Ask yourself if your uncomfortable just because of how he went about it and if it's because of the girlfriend. Is there an actual legitimate reason to be uncomfortable that affects the safety of your child? Sounds to me like it's not so much a safety concern but moreso the way he is setting it up and the girlfriend not liking you. Again, in this situation, you have to be the bigger person. Who cares what his girlfriend thinks about you? I know it never feels good to have someone dislike you especially if the don't know you or if you feel they have the wrong impression but she's not your girlfriend so what's it matter. Whether you like it or not you may have to face the fact that if you want your daughter to have a relationship with her father he may introduce your daughter to the girlfriend or other people in his life. It's just the way it is. Trying to control that isn't going to benefit anyone. Only exception would be if either of them are putting your child in danger. That's another issue but I don't think that's what's really going on here.

[Wiseman2]

For your protection, it's best to discontinue ad hoc, capricious ways to interact with him regarding your daughter. Let the be on your side and law tell him what to do.

I didn’t confirm or deny if he was giving money for her.

[RedDress]

Ok - you won’t like my post, but I do hope you take it to heart.

 

The reason that the GF is calling you a “bitter ex” is because you are ALSO engaging in power plays.

 

It’s not a play date with a friend. You don’t get to decide if she can go to the beach with her father. She CAN go to the beach with her father. She can go to the beach or the zoo or the circus or whatever else he sees fit with his time with her. (Ok... maybe not a crack house if you have documented proof that he’s taking her there - the courts would object to that). But no court would side with you re: not taking her to the beach. The ONLY question at hand is if he can see her on Tuesday or some other day.

 

And the only reason that’s a question is because you don’t have an established visitation schedule. You should understand, though, that if you deny too many requests for arbitrary reasons you are putting your OWN custody at risk. Courts don’t take kindly on parents who try to keep their child from the other parent.

 

Similarly, you don’t get to decide if she spends time with the GF. Again - unless you have documented proof that she is a drug addict or your child is in imminent danger - her father can bring her around anyone he wants. You have no control over that. Just as he has no control over what you do with YOUR time with your child.

 

I think that the sooner you come to terms with all this, the better it will be for everyone. This all sounds like a high-conflict situation. You both need to de-escalate.

 

On that note... you mentioned that he “hasn’t established legitimacy”. Are you going to question that? 👀 I mean... just by putting visitation in the restraining order you’ve basically acknowledged that he’s her father.

 

If you are really, really honest with yourself in a quiet moment of reflection, you will see that you are also using all this as a game for leverage and power and a mechanism to hurt each other. It’s not healthy or productive or what’s best for your child.

 

Btw - I do absolutely agree with you that he should have gone through his sister instead. Promising the child he will bring her to the beach puts you in an awkward position. But at the end of the day - if he had an established visitation schedule, this would not be an issue.

 

And that’s why people here are focusing on the legalities and formalities of it all. Once that structure is established, it will be much easier for each of you to stay in your own lanes and the drama should reduce. Just something to think about...

[forlofeluv]

You suggested to the courts that a gun loose guy with a bad temper should continue to see your daughter.

That’s fine.

 

At the time he didn’t have a girlfriend.

But suddenly you worry about your daughter being in his company NOT because of his temper or gun wielding but because he has a GIRLFRIEND?

That does not make sense to me.

 

Of course his gf thinks you are crazy. She wouldn’t be dating your ex if she actually knew the truth , clearly he has concocted lies about you to make him appear like the victim so his gf will continue to date him.

 

Or perhaps you did get bitter about something and in an emotionally charged moment exaggerated your statement to the police and a had a slight change of heart at the court hearing???

 

It sounds like you did have the option of supervised visits? And now regret not taking that option because you never foresaw that the unsupervised visits would have a gf in tow?

 

Regardless of the question asked, you should absolutely be seeking child support.

That IS in the best interest for your child.

 

1. At the time he was already seeing the same woman he’s seeing now. That’s the main reason for our split, because i found out.

 

2. My daughter has gone and spent the night with he and her once before, and i had no problem. Only difference now is that she’s openly expressed a negative opinion which I would hate for her to repeat around or to my daughter.

 

3. I kept the same energy and “exaggeration” from beginning to end, from the time the statement was made until the hearing and now, that’s why the order was granted.

 

4. Not one statement here indicates or suggests i ever had the option or supervised visits, because I didn’t. I had the option to include my daughter as a protected person in the order or allow her to keep seeing her father, and i did chose the latter. My daughter has been around her father’s multiple girlfriends so that has always been foreseeable.

 

5. He threatened me with the gun because of his anger toward me, not my daughter.

 

 

We digress.

[forlofeluv]

Ok - you won’t like my post, but I do hope you take it to heart.

 

The reason that the GF is calling you a “bitter ex” is because you are ALSO engaging in power plays.

 

It’s not a play date with a friend. You don’t get to decide if she can go to the beach with her father. She CAN go to the beach with her father. She can go to the beach or the zoo or the circus or whatever else he sees fit with his time with her. (Ok... maybe not a crack house if you have documented proof that he’s taking her there - the courts would object to that). But no court would side with you re: not taking her to the beach. The ONLY question at hand is if he can see her on Tuesday or some other day.

 

And the only reason that’s a question is because you don’t have an established visitation schedule. You should understand, though, that if you deny too many requests for arbitrary reasons you are putting your OWN custody at risk. Courts don’t take kindly on parents who try to keep their child from the other parent.

 

Similarly, you don’t get to decide if she spends time with the GF. Again - unless you have documented proof that she is a drug addict or your child is in imminent danger - her father can bring her around anyone he wants. You have no control over that. Just as he has no control over what you do with YOUR time with your child.

 

I think that the sooner you come to terms with all this, the better it will be for everyone. This all sounds like a high-conflict situation. You both need to de-escalate.

 

On that note... you mentioned that he “hasn’t established legitimacy”. Are you going to question that? [emoji102] I mean... just by putting visitation in the restraining order you’ve basically acknowledged that he’s her father.

 

If you are really, really honest with yourself in a quiet moment of reflection, you will see that you are also using all this as a game for leverage and power and a mechanism to hurt each other. It’s not healthy or productive or what’s best for your child.

 

Btw - I do absolutely agree with you that he should have gone through his sister instead. Promising the child he will bring her to the beach puts you in an awkward position. But at the end of the day - if he had an established visitation schedule, this would not be an issue.

 

And that’s why people here are focusing on the legalities and formalities of it all. Once that structure is established, it will be much easier for each of you to stay in your own lanes and the drama should reduce. Just something to think about...

 

The statement regarding rights is only hypothetical. Let me make this clear: my daughter sees her father every 1-3 months and that’s HIS choice. When i referenced the legality of this matter, my point was that her father LEGALLY does not have rights until he legitimizes our daughter so technically I CAN make any decision that I want according to the state that I live in. That’s what I CAN do according to law, however it’s not something I ever did.

 

To make things clearer, 99.98% of the time HE asks to see her I go out of my way to make it happen even if it means canceling plans between her and I! Again, i don’t pull power plays, the statement was made in response to somebody telling me “legally” he can see her whenever, when LEGALLY, he can’t, because In the state that i reside, if we weren’t married or he hasn’t petitioned the court for legitimation, he has NO rights. Again, I STILL make sure he sees her almost at EVERY request. By choice he asks for her 1-3 month intervals and I’m sure it has everything to do with the fact that the restraining order is in place and he’s upset because he cannot possess a weapon which he will says HE NEEDS. Me not the restraining order have ANYTHING to do with his wanting to spend time with his daughter, and that’s not justification, that’s just what i know. Maybe i worded my thread wrong or because i haven’t provided additional details to my situation you all are going in a direction i didn’t expect. But thank you, I’ll do better on the next post

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately this is in his, not your child's, best interest. This creates confusion and instability for her.

 

To make things clearer, 99.98% of the time HE asks to see her I go out of my way to make it happen even if it means canceling plans between her and I!

[forlofeluv]

Unfortunately this is in his, not your child's, best interest. This creates confusion and instability for her.

 

I agree, but I did it to avoid being the “bad guy” and so no one could say i was pulling a power play.

[Wiseman2]

Who would say this and who cares? Do right by your child not this abusive ex.

I did it to avoid being the “bad guy” and so no one could say i was pulling a power play.

[forlofeluv]

Who would say this and who cares? Do right by your child not this abusive ex.

 

This is the first time I’ve experienced anything like this (the breakup and coparenting) so I’m still learning. That’s why i came here. I question every decision i for fear of making the wrong move. So every little thing i question. That’s why i ask for advice. I am learning that some decisions need to be re-evaluated simply because, like you said, create conflicts.

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is inform yourself of the ramifications and risks regarding domestic violence. Also get some counseling/therapy if you are still being controlled this much and feel you have to sacrifice your child and put her at risk to appease him.

 

Brandishing a gun is a very high risk factor. Do not be fooled into thinking your daughter is not at risk and that he wouldn't do something crazy to her to get to you, such as kidnapping. Handing her over to him is a very risky. It's time to get appropriate legal and professional advice. Much of it is free. Break the cycle of violence you grew up with.

 

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/firearms-dv/

[JA0371]

After I read “he pulled a gun on me and threatened my life” that was it for me. I understand you trying to be a noble mom and let your daughter have a relationship with her dad but seriously there are definitely situations like this that completely negate all of that . This man is capable of using a gun as a means to get what he wants... do you really want to put your daughter in that situation ? Using his sister as a mediator is pointless . I think supervised visitations in this situation should be you’re number one priority to ensure your daughter safety and well-being .

[DancingFool]

Your ex is violent, abusive and capable of pulling a gun on you. He is also a manipulative psycho and that's putting it politely.

 

What on earth makes you think that your daughter should have this creature in her life or that maintaining a relationship with this man is any way in her interest? Just because she shares his dna doesn't mean he should be in her life or that she should be subjected to his violence, lies, manipulations and other abuse. If there is a ever a case where you should be doing whatever it takes to shield and protect your child from this monster, you just described it. Yet, out of some strange sense of "not wanting to be a bad guy" you allow him to have contact and eff with this child's head.

 

Do yourself a favor and speak to a child psychiatrist about the damage this man can cause to your daughter. If you are unsure of what you are doing, talk to a professional who can help you see the light and help you feel less like a "bad guy" when making the correct choices.

[Hollyj]

I agree, but I did it to avoid being the “bad guy” and so no one could say i was pulling a power play.

 

But, you did not do what was best for your kid.

 

For some reason, you will not answer the question about not pressing charges.

[Hollyj]

After I read “he pulled a gun on me and threatened my life” that was it for me. I understand you trying to be a noble mom and let your daughter have a relationship with her dad but seriously there are definitely situations like this that completely negate all of that . This man is capable of using a gun as a means to get what he wants... do you really want to put your daughter in that situation ? Using his sister as a mediator is pointless . I think supervised visitations in this situation should be you’re number one priority to ensure your daughter safety and well-being .

 

Focusing on a gf, instead of a violent ex bf,. This guy is dangerous. People end up dead, with your type of decision making. You should have gone through the courts, long ago.

[boltnrun]

I don't think having her "father" bouncing in and out of her life every few months is having a "good relationship" with him.

 

A set visitation and child support schedule filed in court would serve her best.

 

And who is it you don't want to look like "the bad guy" in front of? Your ex?