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In a messy situation with friend


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We decided 2 months ago to rent an apartment together. She JUST quit her job and us already moved in. I had no idea she was having problems at this job and I thought that she was happy. Because of her quitting, I have been having EXTREME cold feet. Like I am so torn between decisions. A major reason why I decided to move in with her, aside from wanting a larger place, was because this job was keeping her very stable and in line. We have been somewhat of a toxic influence on each other over the past 2 years we have known each other. Mostly by enabling each other to drink/party too much. Lately, over the last year, things have been very different as I have adapted a better lifestyle and she was working.

 

Now that I am about to move, she quits her job and I am fearing that things are going to go downhill and I am going to fall back into bad habits. I told her my concerns and that I do not want to go through with it. She is very upset, and she should be. But I am willing to help her find someone new to take over my portion of the rent.

 

I am in a super messy situation and I do not know if I am making the wrong choice or not as I may be messing myself over my going back on a commitment. I feel really guilty because I am hurting her and it's a bad thing to do. I am looking out for myself too much. Based on her behavior in the past and how things were when she wasn't working, it does NOT seem like a good idea to be living with her. She DOES have savings but every job she has isn't stable and she never sticks with it, this past job being the longest job she has stuck with at 8 months. I am very torn and any advice is appreciated. I know getting into this decision in the first place was extremely foolish of me and I never should have let it get this far, or I should have weighed all possibilities. I just cannot trust that she won't fall back into bad habits by having no stability and I DO NOT want that to affect my progress I have made on myself.

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Why did she quit? Does she have her sights set on a new job?

 

You probably made the right choice. One fight now about changing your mind on living with someone unemployed has a better shot at saving the friendship then monthly fights about rent for the next however long.

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Friends grow apart sometimes. Sometimes we even come back together later in life after the dust has settled. I think you jumped the gun too fast in your excitement for a larger place. I wouldn't move in with her at this point. Regardless of how she pays for the rent, I think the jolt that she quit spontaneously should be reason enough to keep your distance as housemates. This isn't as messy as you might think. Let go of that remorse and be a bit more practical when it comes to basic requirements like your housing/shelter. This is not an area to be testing the waters or to be having doubts.

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It's much easier to not move in, than it would be to move out. Think about that for a minute.

 

Why don't you put the blame all on yourself? Kind of like a soft breakup (not that you're breaking up), do the "It's not you, it's me".

 

Tell her you'd like to stay where you are for now, as you need to be solo for now. Or wherever you are now, just tell her that you've realized it's much better for you than it would be to move for now.

 

Also impress upon her that you want to maintain the friendship, and that you feel that by not moving in, you'll have the best chance. Many a friendship has been forever ruined by roommate situations.

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Look out for your survival and well-being first. She's a bad influence on you. You're trying to get healthy and lead a clean lifestyle which is commendable. She doesn't have a stable income so when she runs out of money, YOU will be responsible for paying the rent for both of you.

 

You need to continue making progress with yourself instead of reverting back to your drinking / partying days. Surround yourself with healthy people who will be positive influences. Your friends are your future.

 

Tell the truth, be honest and upfront with your friend. Do what is right for you.

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Why you moved in with someone who you've had a toxic dynamic with and who you knew full well has a history of unstable work is beyond me. Regardless, all she owes you is her half of the rent, not to have a job. If she wants to exhaust her savings or beg family, that's on her. While you're right to be concerned for yourself, until it comes that she can't pay, it's unfortunately not your business.

 

If the lease allows you to present another prospective tenant to replace your name on the lease, then you're likewise not obligated to your friend to stay. In that situation, if you really wanted to, you could bypass her and keep it between you and your landlord. It would be a matter of decency to include her as much as possible in finding the replacement, though. At the end of the day, she made this decision with the understanding she'd be living with you, and insofar as she is paying as agreed, you'd be the one reneging and slapping her with a stranger. Still, in your shoes, this is the route I'd likely be going, assuming you're entitled to it. You're right to be worried and I don't blame you for not wanting to play that game of chicken. I'd give her as much reasonable say as I could on who replaces you, but still look out for yourself.

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The other problem is that I am tied into a lease (she quit her job RIGHT after I signed the lease). But it can be easily fixed by finding someone new to take it over. I feel so guilty as I have made her really upset. I know I shouldn't feel this guilty for looking out for myself and my best interests.

 

She is very upset with me as she is already moved in and I feel extremely guilty for doing this to her, and for even getting myself into this situation in the first place

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Also don't bank too hard on the landlord approving another tenant in your stead. It's going to be a huge red flag after only two months. Generally speaking, they're not the biggest fans of people playing hot potato with their property.

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It sounds like she was using you. You seem more concerned about feeling guilty than fixing the situation or finding a solution so I don't feel any amount of help regarding your tenancy or lease agreement will help you. I'm curious why you'd consider her a friend at all. Work on your self-esteem issues and wean yourself off people who aren't a good influence in your life. You feeling guilty suggests that you feel responsible for something - her welfare in particular and you are also suggesting that you are ashamed of your actions because of pre-existing issues. Do you owe her something/something from the past, unrelated to the lease?

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I am thinking it would be best if she didn't live there and found something cheaper for herself. We could have someone take over the lease for the whole apartment, which is easier than finding a room mate. And she can find an apartment that is much cheaper just for herself so she can at least live off her savings a bit longer. I proposed that to her, but she doesn't want to move again.

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Whatever you do, do NOT move in with her. Are you one of the signers of the lease? If not, just walk away from her problems. If you signed the lease, do what you can to get out of it.

 

Re-assess your friendship. Never move in with flakey people, you risk your sanity, your credit rating, your finances. Bad idea.

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Yep, this is a recipe for disaster. Is this a dating situation or a drinking buddy/friend thing? If you want a clean/sober healthy lifestyle you need to surround yourself with that environment and like-minded people.

I am fearing that things are going to go downhill and I am going to fall back into bad habits.
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We have been trying to work something out, I will help her find someone new to replace me and I owe her my rent for July until then. She's very upset with me and I don't feel like there is any hope, even though I felt our friendship dying for some time now.

 

She called me a selfish person for doing this. I have been struggling with feeling guilty about doing this to her. I feel like I am a terrible person to do this and I am being very selfish looking out for myself. How do I get over this guilt? I know doing this is the best thing for me, why do I feel so bad about doing what is best for me

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I know this might be a stupid question and I don't know how leases work where you live, but what would happen to you if she failed to pay her share of the rent? Would you have to pay her share too or is it separated in a way that if she doesn't pay nor respects the lease it's her problem and the landlord can kick her out but you're safe? I've only rented apartments alone, so I don't know how it works in shared leases.

 

And of course that it's a bad idea moving in with someone toxic as you say and in such an unstable situation. And I don't think that's a coincidence that she quit her job right after you signed the lease. If you can avoid living with her do what's in your power to avoid.

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