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What to do when a date blows your mind?


thornz
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I think the main thing is I had an awesome date and am feeling like I'm finally in a good place for dating where I'm just in the moment enjoying the other person instead of fretfully analysing their behaviour for signs of whether they will hurt me or be abusive. Looking forward to more fun dates whether they are with him or other people 😊

 

But that’s literally what you just did...

 

Read the post right above, you just did all the things you say you aren’t doing anymore.

 

I’m super confused right now.

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That makes two of us. You seem quite judgmental of someone you just met and while being over the moon you’re also not responding to his texts? Do they require a response ? Is he trying to plan another date? I just don’t get it other than it’s consistent with enjoying the thrill of chemistry but putting up walls and barriers to actually getting to know this person.

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That makes three, at the risk of piling it on.

 

Not sure if it's possible for you, but I'd encourage you to try to be of "no minds" rather than "two minds" at this stage. Nice time, nice guy, see what's what, end of analysis. Instead, in a 24 hour period, he's been deemed mind blowing, or maybe just a friend, or maybe a fling, or maybe a rude, fiscally recklessness bozo, or...

 

The type of scrutiny this guy is now under—not unlike the guy who "fancied a call"—is simply too much for any person to really come out from under.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. Speaking only for myself, I know that when I'm this in my head about dating it means I can't really date. When I'm of "no mind" about it—well, that's when its fun. You meet people, you see where it goes.

 

Reading between the lines of this thread and the last one, I can't help but see someone who really, really does not like men or the idea of dating them. Analyzing and judging them, yes, but not getting to know them and maybe dating them.

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>>I haven't initiated much texting other than to wish him a good flight and he has sent me a few texts but I haven't responded yet due to being ill and also not interested in texting all the time.

 

thornz, if you continue with this mindset, trust me, you are not gonna be successful in dating any man. Men need to know you're interested too!

 

Your actions (or lack thereof) make it appear you are quite unaware of this fact and deem it within your right to act as nonchalant and distant as you like, and they will still be interested and chase you.

 

NOT gonna happen! Perhaps it might with low life losers who get off on chasing unavailable women, is that what you're used to?

 

But not with quality men looking for quality women to date and develop a relationship with.

 

I recall your previous thread wherein your date expressed a desire to see you again on the weekend, and although you had nothing pressing going on, you intentionally pushed if off to the following week. You didn't even want to talk to him in the meantime!

 

You also criticized him up the wazoo, just like you're doing now with this man, while at the same time, claiming you really like him and cannot stop thinking about him!

 

I am going to echo bluecastle in saying I question how much you actually like men and the action (not idea) but action of dating them.

 

Your actions seem to contradict that notion.

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OK so the texts, they're not urgent, he is away this week and I am away at the weekend so no opportunity to see each other any time soon. He made a statement about my living situation, then later text me to ask whether my housemate was male or female and sent me a pic from the hotel.

 

If I'm being totally honest the main reason I haven't text back is because his statement about my living situation hurt my feelings and I didn't want to respond when I was upset and tbh I'm not certain whether he was being rude and critical or if I was hurt because it's a particularly touchy subject for me. I actually don't know how to reply to it. Or if to ignore it and respond to the other texts.

 

I don't know if I want to take his statement as a joke and see him again or to just move on. Taking everyone's responses into consideration maybe it's for the best if just don't bother dating.

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This post totally contradicts the post you made earlier today. You seem to waver from two extremes and it's really concerning...You really need to relax and not over think everything, because how you're going about it is so tiring don't u think? Maybe it's really time to speak to a therapist or at least find a better one.

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People make advance plans all the time - if not this weekend then next -and I know you know that full well so there's some other reason you're not following up on making plans to see a person who knocked your socks off. And stop texting with strangers -you have no idea what he meant by his statement and it sounds like you're overreacting. Is your living situation unusual? Why not make a plan in advance? My husband made a plan to see me two weeks in advance for one of our first dates because he was going out of town and wanted to make sure I'd be free on a Saturday night.

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So, I had a date yesterday, didn't have any expectations but was hopeful that the chemistry via text would relate to real life. It did! Instant connection and all the important things I'm looking for, common interests and values appear to be there. He made it very clear he was keen and I reciprocated to a lesser degree (I'm in no rush to get married off haha). We have agreed to go on a date again next week.

 

Problem is, I'm shocked, I've not experienced this before (maybe when I was younger and didn't have a definitive idea of what I wanted so good chemistry was enough). The guy is in my head! I couldn't sleep last night and today I'm not very focussed at work because I'm trying to process what happened. So! How do I get a grip of myself. If I get stuck in my head about it I'll be my own worst enemy.

 

I went for a walk on my lunch break but that didn't help and I know if I go see my friends I'll end up just gushing about this guy.

 

This was your OP. Now you're annoyed about something he said.

 

You are beating yourself up emotionally! Why??

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What did he actually say about your living situation? It sounds like you (and you admitted this) are sensitive about your living situation. Maybe he normally hangs around people who have a fair bit of money so maybe he's genuinely surprised that others at your age are living in house shares.

 

You strike me as having some serious problems with getting closer to someone. Excuse me if I'm being presumptive but it sounds like you really got a whiff of infatuation about this guy, got scared, backed off, and now are back pedaling and thinking of reasons to not see him again.

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You strike me as having some serious problems with getting closer to someone. Excuse me if I'm being presumptive but it sounds like you really got a whiff of infatuation about this guy, got scared, backed off, and now are back pedaling and thinking of reasons to not see him again.

 

^^Nailed it!

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I agree that what Katrina wrote and what Fudgie wrote above nailed it. And at some point I start to feel sorry for the guy -although it was just one meet it doesn't sound like you're genuinely interested in getting to know a real person and a person who takes the time out of his day to meet you deserves at least someone who is open and positive about getting to know a real person and will have that mindset and put in the hour or so in a genuine way.

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Leaving the other discussion aside...

 

From a guys point of view that is dating right now. So lets say I go out on a first date with a woman and it goes really well and we are both feeling it. We agree to a second date enthusiastically. I send a goodnight text when I get home and you respond and then I try and stay in touch by sending you a couple of texts and get no response. First thing I think of is she has either met someone else she is more interested in or she suddenly changed her mind about getting to know me better. So what do I do? I move on wondering what happened is what I do and have done. It's dating in 2019 unfortunately.

 

People make snap judgments, are hyper sensitive because of past experiences and seem to want to find perfection on one date before they will convince themselves to go on a second date.

 

I feel for you because of the migraines, I have had a couple and never understood how bad it can be until I experienced it myself but you could have typed out a few lines to him. As far as him offending you goes. Do you really think that was his intention? So he makes way more money than you do, that isn't a bad thing you know. Now if he was broke living with his parents I could see you being concerned. He is human and has different life experiences and makes mistakes just like we all do and if that precludes him from getting to know you better dating will be a very long road.

 

Get out of your head and call him and talk, you know where you hear each others voice. Let him know that you are a little sensitive about your living arrangement and you are working to make it better. He gets to make a choice in this too.

 

I say go with your first impression and set up a second date. You have zero to lose right? Anything else is just mental gymnastics with no way of knowing the outcome.

 

Lost

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