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What you're doing is stringing someone along and telling yourself a story that makes that okay. I know you don't want to hear that, especially because you feel like some men have strung you along, but that's what this is.

 

You want to go on some dates with someone you're unsure about? Fine. You want to say things like "maybe we start as friends and see where it goes"—well, the translation to that is simple. "I like the attention from you and don't want it to end while I see if some juju stirs up in time." Anyone who agrees to that, especially if they take themselves "off the market," is a chump hooked by a little piece of string. The irony is that whatever lack of attraction you feel now, it'll only increase with him agreeing.

 

Anyhow, all good. I echo maew in saying you'd serve yourself well to do some self-exploration so you know what you want. Right now you're trying out a "nice guy" to see if you can cure your attraction to "bad boys." That's not dating. That's pathology. Sit down, figure out what's important to you, and when it's there you lean in, when it's not you lean away.

 

And, for the record, I'm all for the possibility of making friends through a dating app. Did just that in October, with someone who has become a great friend. But there was no blurriness. After two dates, no kissing, no sparks, I was all: "I don't think we work romantically, but I think there could be a friendship here." She laughed, relaxed, said, "I was thinking the same thing." No one was lying, no one was hoping for more. We were just two cool, attractive people who weren't at all into each other and didn't pretend otherwise.

 

Right now you're pretending otherwise. You're telling stories so you don't feel bad about enjoying a nice guy who is into you but who you're not into. Remember that a bit next time you're frustrated with a man sending you mixed signals.

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What you're doing is stringing someone along and telling yourself a story that makes that okay. I know you don't want to hear that, especially because you feel like some men have strung you along, but that's what this is.

 

You want to go on some dates with someone you're unsure about? Fine. You want to say things like "maybe we start as friends and see where it goes"—well, the translation to that is simple. "I like the attention from you and don't want it to end while I see if some juju stirs up in time." Anyone who agrees to that, especially if they take themselves "off the market," is a chump hooked by a little piece of string. The irony is that whatever lack of attraction you feel now, it'll only increase with him agreeing.

 

Anyhow, all good. I echo maew in saying you'd serve yourself well to do some self-exploration so you know what you want. Right now you're trying out a "nice guy" to see if you can cure your attraction to "bad boys." That's not dating. That's pathology. Sit down, figure out what's important to you, and when it's there you lean in, when it's not you lean away.

 

And, for the record, I'm all for the possibility of making friends through a dating app. Did just that in October, with someone who has become a great friend. But there was no blurriness. After two dates, no kissing, no sparks, I was all: "I don't think we work romantically, but I think there could be a friendship here." She laughed, relaxed, said, "I was thinking the same thing." No one was lying, no one was hoping for more. We were just two cool, attractive people who weren't at all into each other and didn't pretend otherwise.

 

Right now you're pretending otherwise. You're telling stories so you don't feel bad about enjoying a nice guy who is into you but who you're not into. Remember that a bit next time you're frustrated with a man sending you mixed signals.

 

I told him that so far i haven't felt chemistry between us and then he was quiet and at the time i felt bad ..... then i thought of his sweet nature and really wanted to see if we see each other more times then i might develop the feelings for him which i am hoping to be able to achieve . The reason is because it is so hard to find a nice guy like him and i might not be able to find someone nice like him again. I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......

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I told him that so far i haven't felt chemistry between us and then he was quiet and at the time i felt bad ..... then i thought of his sweet nature and really wanted to see if we see each other more times then i might develop the feelings for him which i am hoping to be able to achieve . The reason is because it is so hard to find a nice guy like him and i might not be able to find someone nice like him again. I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......

 

I think you might want to explore any issues regarding control and fears for lack of control in relationships. This is not unusual especially if you've felt vulnerable or if you aren't ready for a relationship at all. You may be attempting to hide your vulnerabilities out of fear. While the short quip 'be with someone you love, not with someone who you love' may seem convenient and appealing, it's also indicative of a disingenuous and imbalanced character. In other words, you're coming across as not only imbalanced but unattractive (your character is compromised). We all have insecurities. The only way we learn to break through them and grow as people is in uncovering them and exploring past them.

 

The more valuable witticism perhaps in all this is in learning to love yourself and not compromising your values or beliefs for anyone else. Your beliefs should work in harmony and if you do believe in treating others well, it should involve treating others the way you wish to be treated. The saying above is hypocritical and not very realistic when it comes to long term relationships and serious commitments. Most people will see through that and the ones that don't are vulnerable or subject to major character flaws that may be bigger problems for you in the long run.

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I told him that so far i haven't felt chemistry between us and then he was quiet and at the time i felt bad ..... then i thought of his sweet nature and really wanted to see if we see each other more times then i might develop the feelings for him which i am hoping to be able to achieve . The reason is because it is so hard to find a nice guy like him and i might not be able to find someone nice like him again. I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......

 

Totally unfair to this guy and self seeking on your part... do you think you are doing him some kind of favor by continuing to date him? He deserves a reciprocal relationship with someone who will love him as much as he loves them.

 

This could also blow up in your face as maybe he will decide he isn’t interested in being with someone that is only with him because he is “nice” and because they are afraid they won’t find anyone as nice.

 

There are 7 billion people in the world... do you really there are no other men you could have chemistry with that are also nice people?

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There are 7 billion people in the world... do you really there are no other men you could have chemistry with that are also nice people?

 

maew, I totally get what you're saying, but I can't help chuckling anyway. :D

 

Yes there may be 7 billion people in the world, but how many are local, and available to date?

 

Far less no doubt.

 

But I agree with you, if there is no chemistry then no point in continuing to date, that would be misleading him, which we all know is unfair AND unkind.

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I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......

 

I have never heard this saying. What's your source?

 

My late mom used to say things like "if he's a good man, you will learn to love him." Or "always make sure a man loves you more than you love him."

 

This coming from a woman, who never really loved anyone in her entire life, including my dad (her husband). Or her kids.

 

Thank the lord I never followed her advice.

 

How awful it would be to be in a relationship, or marriage, with a man you don't love.

 

How do you wake up every morning with a man you don't love, let alone have him touch you, make love to you?

 

Ugh I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life!

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I believe in the saying "be with someone who loves you, not with someone who you love "

 

So throw that in the dating app bio and swipe till you find the big-hearted hottie who says, "I just want to love someone who does not love me."

 

I want an invite to that wedding. I'll bring the popcorn so something's popping functionally.

 

Yes, I'm being a little jokey. But, c'mon now. You're on here enough that it's clear you're feeling a little ragged from the sex-forward, sex-only guys you're annoyed at being attracted to. It sucks, I get it. But better to buy a teddy bear in a store than try to turn a human into one to nuzzle because some wolves out there got you spooked.

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So throw that in the dating app bio and swipe till you find the big-hearted hottie who says, "I just want to love someone who does not love me."

 

I want an invite to that wedding. I'll bring the popcorn so something's popping functionally.

 

Yes, I'm being a little jokey. But, c'mon now. You're on here enough that it's clear you're feeling a little ragged from the sex-forward, sex-only guys you're annoyed at being attracted to. It sucks, I get it. But better to buy a teddy bear in a store than try to turn a human into one to nuzzle because some wolves out there got you spooked.

 

:D :D :D i like reading your reply, it's making me laugh so much. I was going to force myself to like him and see if it will work but ok i will think again .... I might have to let him go then. I will be very sad but it probably is for the best.

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Sometimes I'm not sure if I have physical attraction until we kiss. But I'm interested to find out! If you aren't even at that level of attraction, why do you think if you sit around and wait you are magically going to feel different?

 

"He ticks all the boxes though which is very rare, and this is the only problem that i have........."

 

Part of dating is figuring out what you are looking for. Now that you've seen some of that here, you will do a better job of filtering your matches in the future to find more guys like this, I'm sure. Maybe even somebody who is actually the whole package instead of missing the HUGE component of physical attraction.

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Again, how would you feel if you fell in love with a man, dated him for a good length of time, then he confesses to you "I feel no chemistry with you but I'm trying to FORCE myself to like you".

 

Do you think this man will truly appreciate your efforts to "force" yourself to like him?

 

Think of how "sad" HE will feel when he finds out you're trying to force yourself to like him!

 

You'll get over your sadness. Would he?

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Sometimes I'm not sure if I have physical attraction until we kiss. But I'm interested to find out! If you aren't even at that level of attraction, why do you think if you sit around and wait you are magically going to feel different?

 

"He ticks all the boxes though which is very rare, and this is the only problem that i have........."

 

Part of dating is figuring out what you are looking for. Now that you've seen some of that here, you will do a better job of filtering your matches in the future to find more guys like this, I'm sure. Maybe even somebody who is actually the whole package instead of missing the HUGE component of physical attraction.

 

I never started to kiss my date as i'm quite shy and i dont think he would do that either so how are we going to get to kiss then ? :-)

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Again, how would you feel if you fell in love with a man, dated him for a good length of time, then he confesses to you "I feel no chemistry with you but I'm trying to FORCE myself to like you".

 

Do you think this man will truly appreciate your efforts to "force" yourself to like him?

 

Think of how "sad" HE will feel when he finds out you're trying to force yourself to like him!

 

You'll get over your sadness. Would he?

 

:D :D :D I am agian laughing so much reading this, i know what you mean :D Thank you!

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Sometimes I'm not sure if I have physical attraction until we kiss. But I'm interested to find out! If you aren't even at that level of attraction, why do you think if you sit around and wait you are magically going to feel different?

 

"He ticks all the boxes though which is very rare, and this is the only problem that i have........."

 

Part of dating is figuring out what you are looking for. Now that you've seen some of that here, you will do a better job of filtering your matches in the future to find more guys like this, I'm sure. Maybe even somebody who is actually the whole package instead of missing the HUGE component of physical attraction.

 

I think i feel quite emotionally attached to him as i shared so much with him and he also shared so much with me about family matters . I did really enjoy his company and can spend time with him like forever.

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maew, I totally get what you're saying, but I can't help chuckling anyway. :D

 

Yes there may be 7 billion people in the world, but how many are local, and available to date?

 

Far less no doubt.

 

But I agree with you, if there is no chemistry then no point in continuing to date, that would be misleading him, which we all know is unfair AND unkind.

 

It’s a perspective thing Kat... I’m an abstract thinker. [emoji12]

 

My point is that even if you distill the population of the world down to let’s say a city with 10,000 people, divide it roughly in half for the number of males, take 10% of that for the right age bracket, and then divide that in half or even a third for those that are single, we still have over 100 eligible bachelors out there that are possible candidates for the OP to have chemistry with vs hanging on to someone she isn’t really interested in physically.

 

But then I think we know by now it has more to do with her philosophy around love and attraction then it does with this particular guy.

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Agree. Also why would you tell him 'you feel no chemistry', then continue to pursue him? Completely agree also that you should treat others as you would wish to be treated and not use men for your ego and free entertainment.

What you're doing is stringing someone along and telling yourself a story that makes that okay. I know you don't want to hear that, especially because you feel like some men have strung you along, but that's what this is. Right now you're pretending otherwise. You're telling stories so you don't feel bad about enjoying a nice guy who is into you but who you're not into. Remember that a bit next time you're frustrated with a man sending you mixed signals.
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The guy I've been on and off with for 6 long and painful years, started when he pursued me for 10 months. We became best friends...but couldn't imagine him kissing me. I didn't find him physically attractive. I still don't. But when he said he was going to start dating because he wanted intimacy...I panicked. I had been seeing him almost daily! So I let him kiss me...and WOW...Knocked my sox off. Sex was great! We had a lot in common...but found out he was emotionally unavailable.....

But….the reason I'm writing this is...there are plenty of people who when you see their partner, you wonder what made THEM a couple. They look past the physical attraction...and go more for the intellectual attraction or the emotional attraction.

 

In Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, the author expounds upon this further. He said men first is attracted to a woman physically. Then mentally (witty...personality etc) then emotionally. A woman is attracted to a man (usually) mentally first....something about him makes her click....mentally. Something he said, how he acts, etc. Then she gets emotionally attached. THEN the physical can kick in. Usually with the first kiss!

 

Now don't everyone jump on me. THAT is what the author said...and for me it was true.

 

When my sister met her husband, she had been dating him a week or two, when she told me that he said he was falling in love with her on the SECOND DATE! She told me she wasn't even sure if she liked him yet!!!! lol

 

Things changed after sex! lol. Been married 10 years now. She had been in her late 40's him in his 50's!!

 

LOVE CAN GROW!!! Lots of times these fast attraction....hot times...go down in flames, as they say. Maybe work up to a slow burn. It's hard as heck to find someone to date...especially if they're a nice guy. I would see if you grow to love him. Happens all the time!

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The guy I've been on and off with for 6 long and painful years, started when he pursued me for 10 months. We became best friends...but couldn't imagine him kissing me. I didn't find him physically attractive. I still don't. But when he said he was going to start dating because he wanted intimacy...I panicked. I had been seeing him almost daily! So I let him kiss me...and WOW...Knocked my sox off. Sex was great! We had a lot in common...but found out he was emotionally unavailable.....

But….the reason I'm writing this is...there are plenty of people who when you see their partner, you wonder what made THEM a couple. They look past the physical attraction...and go more for the intellectual attraction or the emotional attraction.

 

In Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, the author expounds upon this further. He said men first is attracted to a woman physically. Then mentally (witty...personality etc) then emotionally. A woman is attracted to a man (usually) mentally first....something about him makes her click....mentally. Something he said, how he acts, etc. Then she gets emotionally attached. THEN the physical can kick in. Usually with the first kiss!

 

Now don't everyone jump on me. THAT is what the author said...and for me it was true.

 

When my sister met her husband, she had been dating him a week or two, when she told me that he said he was falling in love with her on the SECOND DATE! She told me she wasn't even sure if she liked him yet!!!! lol

 

Things changed after sex! lol. Been married 10 years now. She had been in her late 40's him in his 50's!!

 

LOVE CAN GROW!!! Lots of times these fast attraction....hot times...go down in flames, as they say. Maybe work up to a slow burn. It's hard as heck to find someone to date...especially if they're a nice guy. I would see if you grow to love him. Happens all the time!

 

 

It is not really easy to find someone that ticks all the boxes especially the person also have the feelings for you deeply. I dont know what to think when everyone seems to only wants sex nowadays and then jump on to the next person continuously. I lose faith with online dating and tired of it.

That's what i am trying to do..... I mean trying to make it work with him and see how it grows. He is really sweet and so nice. I think it is very hard to find a guy like this in this days and age.

Do you regret being with your other half? as you dont find him attractive physically at first?

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The guy I've been on and off with for 6 long and painful years, started when he pursued me for 10 months. We became best friends...but couldn't imagine him kissing me. I didn't find him physically attractive. I still don't. But when he said he was going to start dating because he wanted intimacy...I panicked. I had been seeing him almost daily! So I let him kiss me...and WOW...Knocked my sox off. Sex was great! We had a lot in common...but found out he was emotionally unavailable.....

But….the reason I'm writing this is...there are plenty of people who when you see their partner, you wonder what made THEM a couple. They look past the physical attraction...and go more for the intellectual attraction or the emotional attraction.

 

In Men are from Mars, Women from Venus, the author expounds upon this further. He said men first is attracted to a woman physically. Then mentally (witty...personality etc) then emotionally. A woman is attracted to a man (usually) mentally first....something about him makes her click....mentally. Something he said, how he acts, etc. Then she gets emotionally attached. THEN the physical can kick in. Usually with the first kiss!

 

Now don't everyone jump on me. THAT is what the author said...and for me it was true.

 

When my sister met her husband, she had been dating him a week or two, when she told me that he said he was falling in love with her on the SECOND DATE! She told me she wasn't even sure if she liked him yet!!!! lol

 

Things changed after sex! lol. Been married 10 years now. She had been in her late 40's him in his 50's!!

 

LOVE CAN GROW!!! Lots of times these fast attraction....hot times...go down in flames, as they say. Maybe work up to a slow burn. It's hard as heck to find someone to date...especially if they're a nice guy. I would see if you grow to love him. Happens all the time!

 

Yes, but can you say your relationship is going well?

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i wonder if men get hurt when a women he likes ,tell him she doesn't feel chemistry towards him?

 

Some will, some won't.

 

It's noble to be empathetic, but it can't stop you from doing from what you have to do.

 

I have heard stories(here mostly) of late attraction. I think those are exceptions, not the rule. You're better off continuing your search. You will find someone that ticks those boxes AND you're attracted to.

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It’s a perspective thing Kat... I’m an abstract thinker. [emoji12]

 

My point is that even if you distill the population of the world down to let’s say a city with 10,000 people, divide it roughly in half for the number of males, take 10% of that for the right age bracket, and then divide that in half or even a third for those that are single, we still have over 100 eligible bachelors out there that are possible candidates for the OP to have chemistry with vs hanging on to someone she isn’t really interested in physically.

 

But then I think we know by now it has more to do with her philosophy around love and attraction then it does with this particular guy.

 

Oh I know maew, to me it's really just a figure of speech, and have said the same thing myself.

 

Yesterday it just made me chuckle (I was in that sort of mood); with all the advice we read about dating locally and how long distance or cyber relationships rarely work.

 

We wouldn't want the OP searching the world via the internet to find love now would we? LOL :p

 

But yeah I know what you meant, my response was meant to be a bit tongue n cheek.

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Oh I know maew, to me it's really just a figure of speech, and have said the same thing myself.

 

Yesterday it just made me chuckle (I was in that sort of mood); with all the advice we read about dating locally and how long distance or cyber relationships rarely work.

 

 

Why do you think they rarely work?

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