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should I break off my engagement because of UK Immigration rules?


Mazen303
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extremely frustrating situation....I met my fiancé last year in July while he was here in London on a visit visa ... we have been in a long distance relationship since then and I recently visited his home country where we got engaged. He’s perfect for me and we both love each other. Now the problem is that because of the UK immigration rules I will have to earn a minimum of £18600 a year so that my fiancé can join me here in the UK and we can finally be together. I have no job...I’ve been applying since January without any luck and it’s June now ... I will need 6 months of payslips to send off with fiancé’s visa application... we were planning on getting married this December so as per the calculation I would need to start working in July for my 6 months of payslips to be accumulated by December and we can finally send them off to the Home Office... but the December wedding plan seems doomed because there is no sign of a job yet ... I keep getting invited for interviews and then get rejected ...

 

I feel like my life is on hold because everything is dependent on that one stupid job ...I can’t marry until I have that job and 6 months of payslips..I have no idea when I will get a job and when this 6 month countdown will even begin...I’m 29 I want to be married soon and have kids start a family but it all seems impossible.

 

I feel like there is so much pressure on me...I get frustrated at my fiancé at times as I feel he isn’t making an effort to come to the UK since he knows I’m not being able to find a job. I spoke to him about getting a student visa but he is not interested in studying further and doesn’t want to waste his money on studies so he isn’t interested in that .... asked him to find a job in a different country so we could live there for a couple of years then return to the UK via a different immigration route but he’s not interested in moving to a different country. He is saying we will wait until I get a job then we can get married and he will come to the UK...but I just don’t know how long this whole thing will take....

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Seems like you are willing to do the work to get a job, make the money, keep the govt. people happy, so you can get married. Why he is not willing to do his part to help you with this? Maybe you are seeing a side of him you werent aware of. How he continues to act while you have this problem will show you what he's really made of, which isnt looking too good at the moment.

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There is a TV show here in the U.S., not sure if you get in the UK, called "90-Day Fiance."

 

There was one couple, the woman was from the U.S. and her fiance was from the U.K., and OMG the crap they had to go through to have him live with her in the U.S.

 

I would imagine it would be the same had she been the one to live with him in the U.K.

 

Anyway, they had to have several in person interviews with immigration, among a ton of other things that took forever!

 

I stopped watching so don't know what happened, but yeah I recall them being very very upset because they were already married and couldn't even live together in the same country!!

 

And had no idea when they would be able to!

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Sounds very unfortunate. Can he do anything in London under a work visa? I agree with melancholy, maybe you are doing too much. What about moving somewhere you both can find work, perhaps in the hospitality industry? Seems getting a visa in this industry is easier than others. How about you go back to school where he lives?

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Where are you living now? With no job and no money I assume you're living with your parents? I think it's just as well that Immigration has all these rules/laws in place as I cannot imagine how people who have no jobs, no money and no income coming in on a regular basis expect to get married and pay for weddings and have a home, not being able to pay mortgage or rent, bills etc etc. I mean, how would that even work?

 

Your fiance shows total lack of enthusiasm to be with you in any way, shape or form. I think THAT is what you really should be focusing on. You have red flags waving all over the place and you really should take heed of that. I would say cut your losses and find someone local and right now, going by your post, this relationship seems doomed before it's even started (imo).

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Your fiance shows total lack of enthusiasm to be with you in any way, shape or form. I think THAT is what you really should be focusing on. You have red flags waving all over the place and you really should take heed of that. I would say cut your losses and find someone local and right now, going by your post, this relationship seems doomed before it's even started (imo).

 

I was just about to post the same thing! I 100% agree with Capricorn. Especially the bolded.

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Seems like you are willing to do the work to get a job, make the money, keep the govt. people happy, so you can get married. Why he is not willing to do his part to help you with this? Maybe you are seeing a side of him you werent aware of. How he continues to act while you have this problem will show you what he's really made of, which isnt looking too good at the moment.

 

I assumed the citizen had to make a certain amount of money on their own to prove they could support or supplement the spouse so the spouse is not just coming to seek government benefits. Even if the fiance makes a good income.

 

I didn't read anywhere that says the the fiance does't have any money. He wants to stay in his country where he has a job or move to hers -- he does not want to find a third country to move to. And if they move to a third country -- she will be isolated with no family. And what proof do you have he can find a job in your country? He may not want to move to a third country with you because of job prospects. It may seem romantic to move to an unknown place, but it comes with a lot of strife if you barely know eachother.

 

I suggest you break the engagement if you cannot find work and also are not moving to his country. I personally would not move to another country for someone i met on vacation. And unless he is scamming you to get into the UK, I wouldn't if I were him move to your country if you didn't do what you had to do on your end.

 

I also suggest that you don't get married anyway unless you do a lot more visits - one vacation doesn't cut it for me

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Mazen303 What nationality is he and what does he do for a living? Also, another serious question, were you working when you both met last year in July? How long have you been unemployed? Are you currently studying?

 

An answer to the questions above might clarify your situation and why he is reluctant to follow your suggestions.

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There is a TV show here in the U.S., not sure if you get in the UK, called "90-Day Fiance."

 

There was one couple, the woman was from the U.S. and her fiance was from the U.K., and OMG the crap they had to go through to have him live with her in the U.S.

 

I would imagine it would be the same had she been the one to live with him in the U.K.

 

Anyway, they had to have several in person interviews with immigration, among a ton of other things that took forever!

 

I stopped watching so don't know what happened, but yeah I recall them being very very upset because they were already married and couldn't even live together in the same country!!

 

And had no idea when they would be able to!

 

^^^ In this situation, the UK husband will never be able to come to the U.S. due to his criminal records in the UK. And the US wife will never be able to go to the UK because she has 2 children from 2 different fathers in the US, and one of the fathers will not allow his daughter to leave, and she won't leave her daughter. So they stay married, continents apart. Silly, really.

 

In your situation, OP, it's all fantasy right now. It's all la-la land. I know you feel like it's true love, but it's not day-to-day life.

 

Either way, you do need to earn a living. What about waitressing, jobs like that? You could earn enough. My advice is to get in the same country, somehow, for a while, and then decide. For now, it's all Hollywood movie stuff, which is hardly ever reality.

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^^^ In this situation, the UK husband will never be able to come to the U.S. due to his criminal records in the UK. And the US wife will never be able to go to the UK because she has 2 children from 2 different fathers in the US, and one of the fathers will not allow his daughter to leave, and she won't leave her daughter. So they stay married, continents apart. Silly, really.

 

In your situation, OP, it's all fantasy right now. It's all la-la land. I know you feel like it's true love, but it's not day-to-day life.

 

Either way, you do need to earn a living. What about waitressing, jobs like that? You could earn enough. My advice is to get in the same country, somehow, for a while, and then decide. For now, it's all Hollywood movie stuff, which is hardly ever reality.

 

Why did the show not do their due diligence on at least his criminal record......but ratings, you know?

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Why did the show not do their due diligence on at least his criminal record......but ratings, you know?

 

The show did know about his criminal record. They waited to air that part for, as you said, ratings.

 

The couple knew about their struggles before filming even started, but wanted their "true love" story filmed anyway. My guess is, since they get money from the show, well....

 

BTW, his criminal record was aggravated assault, multiple times. The U.S. will not let him enter, which I appreciate. I believe he cannot even visit, cannot even set foot on U.S. soil.

 

The wife has a baby from another man, and she brought the baby to stay with him, and he exhibited signs of severe anger at times. Yet she still chose to marry him, because the proposal was so romantic.

 

And he has a history of infidelity too, so there's that.

 

But they love to talk about their wonderful "love story".

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extremely frustrating situation....I met my fiancé last year in July while he was here in London on a visit visa ... we have been in a long distance relationship since then and I recently visited his home country where we got engaged. He’s perfect for me and we both love each other. Now the problem is that because of the UK immigration rules I will have to earn a minimum of £18600 a year so that my fiancé can join me here in the UK and we can finally be together. I have no job...I’ve been applying since January without any luck and it’s June now ... I will need 6 months of payslips to send off with fiancé’s visa application... we were planning on getting married this December so as per the calculation I would need to start working in July for my 6 months of payslips to be accumulated by December and we can finally send them off to the Home Office... but the December wedding plan seems doomed because there is no sign of a job yet ... I keep getting invited for interviews and then get rejected ...

 

I feel like my life is on hold because everything is dependent on that one stupid job ...I can’t marry until I have that job and 6 months of payslips..I have no idea when I will get a job and when this 6 month countdown will even begin...I’m 29 I want to be married soon and have kids start a family but it all seems impossible.

 

I feel like there is so much pressure on me...I get frustrated at my fiancé at times as I feel he isn’t making an effort to come to the UK since he knows I’m not being able to find a job. I spoke to him about getting a student visa but he is not interested in studying further and doesn’t want to waste his money on studies so he isn’t interested in that .... asked him to find a job in a different country so we could live there for a couple of years then return to the UK via a different immigration route but he’s not interested in moving to a different country. He is saying we will wait until I get a job then we can get married and he will come to the UK...but I just don’t know how long this whole thing will take....

 

18K is nothing. You can earn a lot more than this even in retail jobs. Apply to Zara or something.

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Why is it all about him moving to the UK? Why don't you move to his country instead, where the immigration rules could be more relaxed? The fact he's unwilling to do things that would allow you to be together and his insistence on coming to the UK suggests to me that he'll be off as soon as the ring is on your finger. I have a friend who met a local guy when she was on holiday in Jamaica. She ended up bringing him over here and marrying him (she paid for everything). Within months he was cheating on her and being very blatant about it. She divorced him and he got what he wanted all along, which was to stay in the UK. Think with your head, not with your heart.

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The minimum wage in the UK is over 15k. And that’s for a 16 year old!

Get a job at the local Tesco and you will make $18k easy!

 

Immigration laws are in place to stop people coming into YOUR country and taking advantage!

 

And here you are going against that? And complaining about it?

Are you currently receiving government allowance because you are unemployed??

 

Do you realise that you are ONLY getting that because of these laws?

 

Your “bf” will only be that until he gets status and a portion of your income.

He has zero interest in going to your country unless he instantly benefits.

 

Why would you entertain this scam?

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Try to focus more on your financial and employment status. You have been dating less than a year and most of it is long distance. What's the rush jumping into marriage? Are you being pressured by someone? Do not marry anyone anywhere without a job/financial independence.

 

Rethink your hurry and rash decision to marry. If this is the right guy, it can wait. He doesn't sound as invested or interested as you are.

I met my fiancé last year in July while he was here in London on a visit visa

I have no job.

I’m 29 I want to be married soon and have kids start a family but it all seems impossible.

I get frustrated at my fiancé at times as I feel he isn’t making an effort to come to the UK since he knows I’m not being able to find a job.

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Hi Mazen, after reading your post, I wonder why you are in a hurry to get married. Is it something that you really want to do or are your parents/family pressuring you to get married?

 

I’m 29 I want to be married soon and have kids start a family but it all seems impossible.
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Hey peeps, can we please stick to the OP's story and not bring TV shows into the mix. Thanks!!

 

Yep.

 

But the show does show a point...... sometimes love isn't enough...its a start...but then you have to look at compatibility which includes geography. Why not try to meet guys locally? Or even guys that are a hour away if you want to cast your net further? But please get a job before you look.

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Hi everyone thanks for your replies...I'm going to try and clarify some things and try to answer questions people have raised so you can know the situation better ...

 

1- My unemployment- I am not on any benefits. My dad has his own business and provides for me and my younger sister (12 years old) at the moment whilst I am unemployed. I qualified as a Solicitor last May after completing 2 years of training with a high street firm. However, I left my job last June because I was getting bullied by the owner and his wife ...I put up with it for two years because legal training contracts are extremely difficult to find and I didn't want to lose the opportunity. Now, because I left my job straight after qualifying I am unable to secure another legal job as a solicitor since they all require 2-3 years Post Qualification Experience which I don't have. I apply for other jobs too in the legal field such as paralegal roles and even apply for unrelated jobs like admin and sales roles but the recruiters always question why I am looking for such jobs when I am a qualified solicitor and reject me....

 

2- Living in Fiance's country- Well he is in Pakistan and has his own Oils and Car Lubricants business there and earns about £2000 per month through his business. He is quite well off there but the Home Office will not take his earnings into consideration. He has a big house and lives with his family (mother, father, sister, brother, brother's wife) as per the cultural norm there. His mother wants me to move to Pakistan after marriage because his family are not interested in sending him to the UK permanently. He wasn't much interested in coming to the UK either because he has his set up and business there in Pakistan but nonetheless he decided to come to the UK permanently for me if I don't want to move to Pakistan. Sorry if I sound rude but I really don't like fiance's mother, she is too controlling and stubborn always wants things her way so I can't go live in Pakistan as I would have to share a house with her. Also, Pakistan is not as developed as the UK and I don't want my future children to be deprived of things such as good education or healthcare by living in Pakistan when they have the option to be born and brought up in the UK. Fiance agrees with our future kids' wellbeing so that's why we decided it's best if he comes here and we have a family life in the UK.

 

3- Rushing into marriage- I have full faith he isn't using me to find a way to settle in the UK. He is my best friend's cousin. She introduced us and I know she wouldn't introduce me to him if he was not genuine. I've known my best friend since secondary school and I trust her. I feel my fiance genuinely loves and cares for me ... when I met him last year I was going through a traumatic break up with my ex of 5 years who left me for another girl and married her 4 months after breaking up with me. I was hurt and broken and my fiance came into my life like a ray of hope...he helped to heal me...showed me that I could be loved and that I was not some piece of that would be dumped whenever which is what I felt like after my ex left me. He is definitely a better man than my ex. I've been on about 3 holidays with my fiance since meeting him last year so it's not like I haven't spent any time with him and am rushing into something after one meeting.

 

Guys, he is a good man....it's just that me not being able to find a job for us to be together is really frustrating and at times I feel like maybe if it's so difficult to be together we should just break up...but at the same time I don't want to break his heart and do to him what my ex did to me....

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So what you are saying is that there are options but you don’t like them.

 

It doesn’t matter what your qualifications are, thats not an excuse to be unemployed. As I said get a job at Tescos and you will meet the requirements. I did menial work for over a year past qualifying before I got a job in my field.

And a potential future employer will rather see Tescos on your resume that a big blank gap. Why? Because it shows willingness to work suggesting you may be a hard worker.

 

If your fiancés culture is an issue for you then it is. Moving him to the UK won’t remove his culture. Sure you won’t have to live with his extended family initially but there will guaranteed long extended visits from family to UK.

Your first child? Mother will likely come stay for a year.

It’s all part of his culture.

 

He is a rebound relationship for you and you haven’t spent any significant amount of time with him outside of holiday mode when people are naturally relaxed, happy and upbeat without daily struggles of life. Until you do spend that quality time with him there should be no talk of marriage.

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I agree that it's best to spend some significant quality time together, not spread out and sporadically over a period of time, feels too much like a vacation.

 

But at least a few straight months together before you do something as serious and permanent as enter into marriage.

 

Since he's from Pakistan, he can obtain a "Visit Visa" and live and work in the UK for up to six months.

 

The requirements are not that strict, it's a relatively easy process, assuming he has a valid passport.

 

Has he looked into this?

 

Is he even interested in doing this?

 

If not, why not?

Edited by katrina1980
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Hi everyone thanks for your replies...I'm going to try and clarify some things and try to answer questions people have raised so you can know the situation better ...

 

1- My unemployment- I am not on any benefits. My dad has his own business and provides for me and my younger sister (12 years old) at the moment whilst I am unemployed. I qualified as a Solicitor last May after completing 2 years of training with a high street firm. However, I left my job last June because I was getting bullied by the owner and his wife ...I put up with it for two years because legal training contracts are extremely difficult to find and I didn't want to lose the opportunity. Now, because I left my job straight after qualifying I am unable to secure another legal job as a solicitor since they all require 2-3 years Post Qualification Experience which I don't have. I apply for other jobs too in the legal field such as paralegal roles and even apply for unrelated jobs like admin and sales roles but the recruiters always question why I am looking for such jobs when I am a qualified solicitor and reject me....

 

In a tight job market, its really hard to find a job when you don't have one. What made you not look for a job while you had one? How do you get post qualification experience? Are their internships? can you talk to one of your instructors for advice? Were they bullying you or actually just being hard on you to get the best out of you. Are their interviewing skills classes to take? maybe you lost your confidence and polish..

 

2- Living in Fiance's country- Well he is in Pakistan and has his own Oils and Car Lubricants business there and earns about £2000 per month through his business. He is quite well off there but the Home Office will not take his earnings into consideration. He has a big house and lives with his family (mother, father, sister, brother, brother's wife) as per the cultural norm there. His mother wants me to move to Pakistan after marriage because his family are not interested in sending him to the UK permanently. He wasn't much interested in coming to the UK either because he has his set up and business there in Pakistan but nonetheless he decided to come to the UK permanently for me if I don't want to move to Pakistan. Sorry if I sound rude but I really don't like fiance's mother, she is too controlling and stubborn always wants things her way so I can't go live in Pakistan as I would have to share a house with her. Also, Pakistan is not as developed as the UK and I don't want my future children to be deprived of things such as good education or healthcare by living in Pakistan when they have the option to be born and brought up in the UK. Fiance agrees with our future kids' wellbeing so that's why we decided it's best if he comes here and we have a family life in the UK.

 

what about culture? is he very westernized? What are his expectations of what marriage looks like? My friend was in international business and a pakistani man proposed to her...to be his FIFTH wife! It is very critical that you are not starry eyed and have your eyes open about what marriage looks like to him.

 

3- Rushing into marriage- I have full faith he isn't using me to find a way to settle in the UK. He is my best friend's cousin. She introduced us and I know she wouldn't introduce me to him if he was not genuine. I've known my best friend since secondary school and I trust her. I feel my fiance genuinely loves and cares for me ... when I met him last year I was going through a traumatic break up with my ex of 5 years who left me for another girl and married her 4 months after breaking up with me. I was hurt and broken and my fiance came into my life like a ray of hope...he helped to heal me...showed me that I could be loved and that I was not some piece of that would be dumped whenever which is what I felt like after my ex left me. He is definitely a better man than my ex. I've been on about 3 holidays with my fiance since meeting him last year so it's not like I haven't spent any time with him and am rushing into something after one meeting.

 

Guys, he is a good man....it's just that me not being able to find a job for us to be together is really frustrating and at times I feel like maybe if it's so difficult to be together we should just break up...but at the same time I don't want to break his heart and do to him what my ex did to me....

 

I have cool cousins and guy friends but obviously i have never dated them (yuck) but the way someone is to friends and family and the way someone is to a girlfriend or wife is similar, but definitely not the same. Honestly, if this guy is MR. Right, the relationship will survive through a few more cycles of visiting -- he comes on a visitors VISA to see you again, and you visit him. If its right, nothing will change if you wait -- it won't ruin things to wait. But if its not, you will learn that it isn't before you marry and not make a mistake.

 

Also, it troubles me that he "healed you" -- it means you monkeybranched from one guy to another and don't know how to be single an you are rebounding with him and overlooking things possibly - or he has white knight syndrome. So please - for both your sakes...wait. See someone to help you with your interviewing skills. take a lower position or internship just to get back in your field etc. If it takes you 6 months to land a job and he walks during that time -- the relationship was't the right thing.

 

but at the same time I don't want to break his heart and do to him what my ex did to me....

 

Honestly, that reeks of codependency - to feel responsible for the feelings of others over what's best for you. if you break up because you can't bridge the gap it is NOTHING like what your ex did - and quite frankly, you aren't doing anything TO him - its just the circumstances of wanting to marry someone you met while they were on vacation. you are NOT ready to marry anyone. you need to heal from your situation with your ex. you need to not be supported by daddy. Take an internship, go to networking events in your profession, volunteer for causes that might put you side by side with people in the industry and while you are doing that wait tables or do some flexible job. not for intent of marrying him, but getting your life back together.

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Thanks again for replies and taking time out to read my long paragraphs...really appreciate it.

 

No he is not a rebound but I can understand why people are thinking that way. When I said I met him whilst I was going through a break up I didn’t mean I met him the very next day and grabbed him because he was the first one to come along. Healing from break ups takes some time and there is no set time for anyone. I met my fiancé around 8/9 months after my break up and in between that time I had a few guys interested in me who I rejected because I was trying to find myself, to heal and be happy on my own. When I said my fiancé helped to heal me it meant that he helped me to see that not all men are jerks and decent men do exist, it made me hopeful for the future. I’m not co-dependent on him...it’s a long distance relationship anyway so it’s not like I’m constantly stuck to him like a leech to make myself happy. I have the right to move on in life so I did when he came along.

 

Yes I am going to start networking and go for workshops to improve my interview skills. And FYI I have applied for basic jobs at Tesco etc. but what I probably did wrong was leaving my legal qualifications on my CV which is the main reason for my rejection as per the feedback I get after the interviews - it goes something along the lines of “we found you to be overqualified for this role...we have found someone more suited for this role but don’t worry we’ve kept your details on our system for any future opportunities” ...

 

This makes me think maybe I would be better off getting rid of my legal qualifications and be dishonest as honesty isn’t getting me anywhere?!

 

Anyway, most people on here have said I need to spend more time with my fiancé so I’ve decided to go stay in Pakistan for a couple of months. I will get to know him more that way plus it’s easier to get a legal job in pakistan so at least I’ll be earning and can gain some legal exposure. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and he told me about a different immigration route by which if I stay in pakistan for a couple of months I can get entry clearance for my fiancé and come back to the UK with him. Sounds good.

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