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Not wanting to wake up

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I've been suicidal for much of my life. At first it was oriented around shyness and inability to connect with others. Then as I tried to seek out others to no good, I spent all my time seeking this "Grail" of a good society around me which I only thought existed for others and recently told myself it was just some illusion from watching popular culture propaganda.


Well for a few years now, even though it's gotten better with getting the psych to agree to put me back on prozac, I've laid in bed in the morning thinking about how I stand in life and deciding it's not good.


I imagine myself ten years from now, when I'll be 40 looking back on my life the same way and thinking what a loser I will have become, how I never "grew up" and how everything was a flail to not sink rather than a building. The foundation shifts so much that I have to tear down what I have and redo it all the time never getting off the first story.


I blame propaganda telling me that there were people out there with friend circles who just danced off each other. But now that I think of it. I didn't want that. I wanted a more global grandous circle like Einstein's genius club or Tolkein's writing club. But all I've got is my e-girl to keep me company.


What I've got now is a messy room, not much time in the day to get everything done very quickly, and a girlfriend e-girl who wants nothing but to marry me after she's seen what's been going on in my life for the last 2 years.


I'm gonna have to get it together and get her over here for a visit, but that's just not going to be good enough, even if it does work. I know I want better faster in order to look back on my life in a few years and actually approve of myself in a way that I won't quit the game.


Am I proud? Or am I honestly seeing my behind development and wanting to catch up with myself in an honest way?


This behindness has been the grounds for all my suicidal thinking.

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It does look like you need to get into fast action, but remember never haste.

From what you said it seems that you feel uncomfortable around most other people, and it's absolutely fine. It's a fact that when people are anti-social they are intellectually on a higher level. From your words it already shows you've reached that conclusion, and admitting shows you remain humble.

There's nothing wrong with seeking out people that will 'resonate' in the way that you do, it means that you're honest with yourself and patient by waiting to meet such people. Do not give up, there's only a small percent of people who reflect on their lives so deeply, but we were given those lives not to end them ourselves. It is a big test, and you can always look at yourself from another perspective, keep making good choices!

You can do this, remain positive, humble, empathising and patient--to socialise you'll often need to pardon certain things that others say and sometimes you'll need to let them know if something is wrong.

Mainly remaining honest, to yourself and people(/girl) that you're talking to, recognising she/they may not know certain truths you do. But relationships are about mutual inner-growth, and it's a big step worth taking. You can tell them if they're being wrong or offending you instead of being funny, for example, and why. I wish you all the luck! Keep in mind the solutions, not the problems, everything also happens for a reason, to make us stronger. We are superstrong and can survive anything, oh and meditation also helps, to get to know one's self and become a master of your thoughts, it really helped me and I hope this was at least a little help to you too!! All the best!! If you can break through this you'll see how important you are and the potential you hold within you!!

And please stay patient with the 'global' Establishment (they wish they could get to us so don't let them!) -things are slowly changing, but a lot of bad people are being put in prison as we speak! You might want to give "In Pursuit of Truth" a watch on YouTube, he makes a lot of updates and makes links between UK, USA and other countries, the 'global' agenda!!! Great Awakening :)

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You've been suicidal much of your life yet you're still here. That means you have strength in you yet young Jedi*

I imagine myself ten years from now, when I'll be 40 looking back on my life the same way and thinking what a loser I will have become....

That is quite a negative narrative you've got going on there and is a dragon you'll need to battle and overcome...This will take work and time as your brain has formed that habit over years.


How the hell could any of us really know where'll we be in 10 years... But if you tell yourself that narrative above^^ then so it will be. That is why you must take on that dragon, every day, and slay him*


Like Tals* mentions above, take patience and start to put in baby steps every day, every week, every month to work towards a place of contentment. Do some volunteer work on this forum. There are plenty of people in pain and needing support...

I wanted a more global grandous circle like Einstein's genius club or Tolkein's writing club

Ah knowledge. It's both a blessing and a burden...


I'm sure you could seek out groups of that ilk...If not, maybe you could start one*


Being 'Red Pilled' is hard and can be quite isolating and takes a while to get used to... But as you go on that inner journey and start to just be happy and content by yourself, peace will come*


Throw out your TV.


Soldier on Soldier*



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Seven years ago, I posted this parable to my facebook page privately because I had come across it and it was helping me come to terms with a hard time. You may have heard it before, but anyway, it randomly came up as a "remember this?" notification from facebook for me this morning. I still like the story but it didn't necessarily apply to anything in my life at the moment. Maybe it was for you?


"A long, long time ago, there was a kind old man who lived on the plains outside the Great Wall of China. The gentle old man had only two passions in his life: collecting rare breeds of horses, and his son, whom he loved more than anything else.


The old man and his son would ride their horses every day. They would travel great distances to trade horses, meet new people, and enjoy the good fortune that life had bestowed upon them.


One morning, a servant left the stable door open and one of the old man's favorite stallions escaped. When the neighbors heard the news of the stallion's escape, they came to comfort the old man. They told him they were sorry he had had such bad luck.


But strangely enough, the gentle old man was not upset. He explained to his neighbors that losing the horse wasn't necessarily bad luck. There was no way to predict that the horse would escape, it just happened, and now there was nothing that could be done about it. "There is no reason to be upset," said the old man. The neighbors soon realized that there was nothing they could do to help get the horse back, and that they shouldn't feel sad for the old man's misfortune.


One week later, the stallion came back, and he brought with him a mare. This was not just any mare, but a rare and valuable white mare. When the neighbors heard of the old man's good luck, they quickly came to congratulate him. But again, the old man was not excited. As he had explained before, it was not necessarily good luck that had brought him this new and beautiful white horse. It just happened, and there was no reason to get excited over it. Still a bit puzzled, the neighbors left as quickly as they had come.


A short time later, while his son was riding the white horse, she slipped and fell. She landed on the son's leg, and broke his leg, so that he would always walk with a limp. Again, the neighbors came to the old man's house to give their sympathy for the bad luck that had befallen his son. One of the neighbors suggested that the old man sell the mare before anymore bad luck could happen, and others said that he should take his revenge and kill the mare. However, the old man did neither. He explained to the neighbors that they should not feel sorrow for his son, nor anger towards the mare. It was purely an accident that could not be predicted, and there was nothing he or they could do to change it. At this point, the neighbors thought the old man was crazy and decided to leave him alone.


Two years later an enemy invaded the country, and all of the old man's neighbors were drafted to defend the country against the attack. Because the old man's son was lame, he did not have to join in the fighting. The war was very bad, and most of the old man's neighbors were killed, but his son was spared because he had been hurt by the white horse two years earlier.


Very often, when an event takes place that everybody thinks is good luck, the end results are disastrous. In the same way, an unlucky event can bring about happiness. Therefore, you should not lose your will to continue if an unlucky event happens, nor should you be too overjoyed or feel too self-satisfied because of a lucky event, or because something that you desire comes very easily to you."


You don't know the rest of the story and can't always predict it based on past information. You have no idea what things will look like in 10 years. All of these things you think you missed out on, that make you feel "behind" - maybe it's better to experience some of those things later on and you wouldn't have been ready for them earlier, or they may even have led to ruin if they were earlier. Everyone has their own path, and there isn't any set way things are supposed to go. Some people who seem ahead to you may be behind in other ways anyway.

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