jmibnorthern Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I've been suicidal for much of my life. At first it was oriented around shyness and inability to connect with others. Then as I tried to seek out others to no good, I spent all my time seeking this "Grail" of a good society around me which I only thought existed for others and recently told myself it was just some illusion from watching popular culture propaganda. Well for a few years now, even though it's gotten better with getting the psych to agree to put me back on prozac, I've laid in bed in the morning thinking about how I stand in life and deciding it's not good. I imagine myself ten years from now, when I'll be 40 looking back on my life the same way and thinking what a loser I will have become, how I never "grew up" and how everything was a flail to not sink rather than a building. The foundation shifts so much that I have to tear down what I have and redo it all the time never getting off the first story. I blame propaganda telling me that there were people out there with friend circles who just danced off each other. But now that I think of it. I didn't want that. I wanted a more global grandous circle like Einstein's genius club or Tolkein's writing club. But all I've got is my e-girl to keep me company. What I've got now is a messy room, not much time in the day to get everything done very quickly, and a girlfriend e-girl who wants nothing but to marry me after she's seen what's been going on in my life for the last 2 years. I'm gonna have to get it together and get her over here for a visit, but that's just not going to be good enough, even if it does work. I know I want better faster in order to look back on my life in a few years and actually approve of myself in a way that I won't quit the game. Am I proud? Or am I honestly seeing my behind development and wanting to catch up with myself in an honest way? This behindness has been the grounds for all my suicidal thinking. Link to comment
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