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Girlfriend related our sex to rape


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Hi everyone,

 

Problem:

My girlfriend was raped 10 years ago and she recently related one of our sex sessions to the feeling she felt when she got raped.

 

Events the night of:

 

The other day, we had a fun Friday night out. We agreed once we go back home we would have sex.

 

By the end of the night, she was tired and had a migraine.

 

She crashed on the couch and I saw she was tired so i asked her if she would like to continue to sleep. She said "no, i just want to relax". I let her relax and after seeing she was falling asleep i asked her to go to bed. Her saying she wasnt going to sleep yet was a hint she didnt want to deny me sex for the night.

 

She insisted she wasnt falling asleep after i told her to go to bed multiple times. Eventually, i moved her from the couch to the bed.

 

I was still horny and started testing the waters, asked why she isnt kissing me, so she started to kiss me. She also took her clothes off. At this point, i knew she was tired but i also felt like she was interested still in having sex regardless of her tiredness.

 

A few minutes into it i couldnt get hard because i could tell she wasnt into it. She asked me whats wrong and I told her i didnt feel like shes trying and suggested we go sleep. She said no and we tried again. We then had sex.

 

During/after sex, I assumed she was going to be upset the next day because she was tired and 'made' her have sex.

 

The sex was probably the worst sex i've had with my girlfriend.

 

Negative comment:

 

The next day, she told me she was upset and that the sex we had made her feel how she felt 10 years ago when she got raped. She said that i didnt consider her being tired / migraine and also was only concerned about my own 'release'. That I made her feel like how she felt when she got raped. I told her this was not true and i asked her multiple times if she wanted to just sleep. I also mentioned how she kissed me and even put in effort to get me hard.

 

She said she only did it to avoid a 'fight' because apparently if we didnt have sex that night, I would be upset. SO in the end, i was setup for a fight anyway because we DID have sex and she didn't want to.

 

Question:

 

I was really upset at this comment. I understand rape is a serious thing, but how could she relate our sex to that event? The worst event that's ever happened in her life? How could she say this to her loving bf?

 

We ended up getting into a fight and i made it clear that her comment was uncalled for. With the comment she made I asked we take a break. This really hurt me and was immature and negative.

 

I understand she was expressing her feelings but it could have been communicated more effectively with "i didnt like that you forced sex yesterday even after seeing i was tired". "You should have let me sleep"... etc

 

Am i in the wrong here?

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Jeez if I had a dollar for every time I persisted and got my wife in the mood if she started off tired...

 

Did she at any point tell you no? Or to stop?

 

Sounds to me like she still has some hangups over her past rape and maybe needs a counselor or therapist whatever you call it.

 

I would probably be upset too if I were accused of rape.... Is it a deal breaker... No probably not. Talk it out. Tell her to be clear if she wants you to stop simply say so, trying to get some usually starts with one person or the other initiating it... That hardly equates to rape. If she thinks it does then she needs to make a clear boundary with you so that you know what she's ok with and what she's not.

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It's an analogy albeit extreme. You both need to understand firm "no"s and realize that not every horny moment need to be acted on. She could use some help with her past and you could use some help learning what "not in the mood" means. What's wrong with your hand?

 

But she does have a point:

She said that i didnt consider her being tired / migraine and also was only concerned about my own 'release'.
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Well --sorry its not rape. You agreed to sex. Once you saw when you were both home she was tired and you were okay with not having sex and even suggested that you call it a night/go to bed.

Then she took her clothes off . You can't get hard so you suggest you both go to sleep, but then she says no to sleep and continues.

 

This is like the opposite of rape - you suggesting to not have sex and to just sleep and her words and actions say go ahead even though she is tired.

 

I really think next time, even if your girlfriend keeps saying to continue having sex, don't do it if you are tired. I guess its better for her to feel rejected that you didn't have sex then to accuse you of having rapey sex with her. Honestly, if she wants to take a break let her. But make sure she is not telling the town you raped her because you absolutely didn't.

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This post is gross. OP, you wrote that you KNEW she wasn’t into it, yet you persisted.

 

Maybe not rape, but definitely not good. Especially given her prior trauma.

 

You saw she wasn’t into it, so drop it. Enough said. You were skeezy and pushy here. Gross.

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Also - describing sex as something you can be denied?? Like she owes it to you?

 

No. It is a consensual, mutually pleasing act between adults. No. Your childish insistence is clearly why she reluctantly went ahead with it, because your attitude is one where sex is owed.

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She insisted she wasnt falling asleep after i told her to go to bed multiple times. Eventually, i moved her from the couch to the bed.

 

I was still horny and started testing the waters, asked why she isnt kissing me, so she started to kiss me. She also took her clothes off. At this point, i knew she was tired but i also felt like she was interested still in having sex regardless of her tiredness.

 

A few minutes into it i couldnt get hard because i could tell she wasnt into it. She asked me whats wrong and I told her i didnt feel like shes trying and suggested we go sleep. She said no and we tried again. We then had sex.

 

During/after sex, I assumed she was going to be upset the next day because she was tired and 'made' her have sex.

 

 

I’m upset so I’m posting again.

 

TOLD her to go to bed? She can’t figure that out on her own?

 

“I knew she was tired”... great buddy. Way to keep going forward.

 

“I could tell she wasn’t into it” ... “I didn’t feel like she’s trying”

 

Well that’s like strike 4 so far.

 

BUT THE CHERRY ON TOP:

“During/after sex, I assumed she was going to be upset the next day because she was tired and 'made' her have sex.”

 

YOU [emoji122] KNEW [emoji122] BETTER

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Well, she didn't say you raped her but she did say that she felt like she did the night she was raped.

 

I see two problems here:

1. It was clear to you that she was too tired to be in the moment with you. Instead of telling her you would like to wait until the morning to make love to her when she wasn't in pain from her migrain, you kept at it with her.

2. Your girlfriend should be in therapy to help her to come to terms with what happened to her. She has a real problem with saying no when she isn't in the mood which she needs to overcome or she is going to find herself feeling the way she did again in the future and that is not fair to you or any other guy she gets with.

 

For your own sake, when she's not enthusiastically all over you like white on rice, I'd not take her indifferent participation as a green light. Instead you say "no." somehow I think when you do not continue on with her she will take the 'no not tonight' as a huge rejection and you'll get ragged on anyway.... best to take that (if you stay with her) rather than a possible charge of rape or her feelings of rape when its not your intention.

 

FWIW: I have told my husband of 43 years and he has told me, many, many times to "go to bed" when we have been basically passing out on the couch. I never once took it as him mistreating me or he mistreating him. When the bed is more comfortable (especially when one is having a headache) then its been welcome to get the push to go.

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Well, she didn't say you raped her but she did say that she felt like she did the night she was raped.

 

I see two problems here:

1. It was clear to you that she was too tired to be in the moment with you. Instead of telling her you would like to wait until the morning to make love to her when she wasn't in pain from her migrain, you kept at it with her.

2. Your girlfriend should be in therapy to help her to come to terms with what happened to her. She has a real problem with saying no when she isn't in the mood which she needs to overcome or she is going to find herself feeling the way she did again in the future and that is not fair to you or any other guy she gets with.

 

For your own sake, when she's not enthusiastically all over you like white on rice, I'd not take her indifferent participation as a green light. Instead you say "no." somehow I think when you do not continue on with her she will take the 'no not tonight' as a huge rejection and you'll get ragged on anyway.... best to take that (if you stay with her) rather than a possible charge of rape or her feelings of rape when its not your intention.

 

FWIW: I have told my husband of 43 years and he has told me, many, many times to "go to bed" when we have been basically passing out on the couch. I never once took it as him mistreating me or he mistreating him. When the bed is more comfortable (especially when one is having a headache) then its been welcome to get the push to go.

 

That’s fair on the go to bed comment - I’m inferring from the tone of the post that it was condescending instead of loving or supportive, but I may be wrong.

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That’s fair on the go to bed comment - I’m inferring from the tone of the post that it was condescending instead of loving or supportive, but I may be wrong.

 

Heck... I could be too for all we know. Hopefully Op comes back to comments on his replies. :)

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That’s fair on the go to bed comment - I’m inferring from the tone of the post that it was condescending instead of loving or supportive, but I may be wrong.

 

MLD, I am 100% with ya about everything you wrote.

 

Just got a really bad vibe from his post, the tone, the self-entitled attitude, all of it.

 

Op, your reason for pushing was because you were "horny"? GMAFB, please.

 

Your gf was tired, she didn't want it, wasn't into it, go jerk off in the bathroom or something.

 

No it was not rape, but you exercised some very poor judgment imo, based in part on your "horniness," and a total lack of respect and disregard for what she wanted (or didn't want) - I think you need to apologize.

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You're far, far too pushy and selfish for your own good.

 

I think you may have missed these in the OP:

I let her relax and after seeing she was falling asleep i asked her to go to bed.

She insisted she wasnt falling asleep after i told her to go to bed multiple times.

She also took her clothes off.

I told her i didnt feel like shes trying and suggested we go sleep. She said no and we tried again. We then had sex.

 

According to him the sex was bad so maybe that's why she's reacting like this but rape? Way blown out of proportion if you ask me.

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I think you may have missed these in the OP:

 

 

 

 

 

According to him the sex was bad so maybe that's why she's reacting like this but rape? Way blown out of proportion if you ask me.

 

Nah, there’s a lot I think you missed though. Go back and read what I quoted.

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The mechanism behind your actions OP, is the notion that women owe men sex, whether you're aware of it or not. Now that you are, you can work on it. Rule of thumb is "take every maybe as a no". You felt she didn't want to, yet you proceeded; why?

 

Your gf also needs therapy because as mentioned above, she has a difficulty of saying "no", even if she wants to. The same mechanism is working in the background.

 

Women don't owe men sex even if they're married. Technically, this is not rape, but it sure has many similarities to it. I'm sorry you're both going through this.

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Nah, there’s a lot I think you missed though. Go back and read what I quoted.

 

Welcome to rape culture where even though she got naked and refused when he said to stop trying somehow it's still the guy's fault.

I was not even replying to your comment but you insist with your nonsense.

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Rape culture is alive and kicking and this situation shows both sides of it. A man who, even when he saw that his partner wasn't into it, continued, and a woman who, even though she didn't really want to continue didn't refuse it, in fear they might get into a fight. The root is the same, patriarchy.

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The thing is people don’t need to get their sexy on when the other person feels sick.

 

Right?

 

I read all of your quotes, Antique, but it still does not jive with me. He could have either just let her be or stay focused on comforting her (non sexually) and realizing that she felt sick.

It doesn't matter if she didn't want to go to bed or if she didn't want to come up to bed, or whatever.

 

She's a grown woman, let her be or ask her is you can do anything for her in terms of helping with the headache.

 

But Op, was horny before they even got home, he had his intentions and sure wasn't giving up on them.

 

Even when they got into bed, he should have comforted her and told her to just sleep. He could get her an aspirin if needed but other than that, leave her be.

Not sexually, not expecting...purely just taking care of her.

 

I think she was relating how she felt about the sex with him and being raped, in terms of feeling forced or pushed in that direction. Which she was.

He knew she had a headache...that should have been END OF. No sex, no thoughts of it, just let her be and let her sleep or relax on her own.

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Yuppero.

 

.......:

Rape culture is alive and kicking and this situation shows both sides of it. A man who, even when he saw that his partner wasn't into it, continued, and a woman who, even though she didn't really want to continue didn't refuse it, in fear they might get into a fight. The root is the same, patriarchy.
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Rape culture is alive and kicking and this situation shows both sides of it. A man who, even when he saw that his partner wasn't into it, continued, and a woman who, even though she didn't really want to continue didn't refuse it, in fear they might get into a fight. The root is the same, patriarchy.

 

I disagree 100% -- its about BOUNDARIES. Not "the patriarchy."

Its making your yes yes and your no no.

If someone is tired, and the other person says "you are tired, why not go to bed instead of sex?"

Then the person says "No, let's have it". HUH? Its not "the patriarchy" - its you....

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I disagree 100% -- its about BOUNDARIES. Not "the patriarchy."

Its making your yes yes and your no no.

If someone is tired, and the other person says "you are tired, why not go to bed instead of sex?"

Then the person says "No, let's have it". HUH? Its not "the patriarchy" - its you....

 

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

 

I would be horrified by my own behavior if my bf expressed disinterest and I pursued sex anyway.

 

We need to respect the voices of the people we love, not dismiss them . This is of primary importance.

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"A father and son have a car accident and are both badly hurt. They are both taken to separate hospitals. When the boy is taken in for an operation, the surgeon (doctor) says 'I can not do the surgery because this is my son'. How is this possible?"

 

 

 

Don't give me a well thought answer, but question yourself as to why you may have found yourself confused by this riddle even if it was for seconds.

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