Detoxer Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 We were together 5 months. It was the most passionate relationship I've ever had, but also the most toxic. She is an extraordinary beautiful girl, which I think mattered too much to me; I put up with a lot of things that I otherwise woudn't have. But it also helped me fall for her hard. We began bickering about 3 months in to the relationship. It's like nothing I'd ever experienced that early on. She constantly had complaints about things and criticisms of me; she was never satisfied. She is very hot headed. I was constantly on edge once this began. We both drank quite a bit. The drinking made the fights boil out of control, with screaming and whatnot. Last week, she got so mad that she shoved me as hard as she could. Unfortunately, I made the biggest mistake of my life and pushed her back, and she fell down. I never thought I'd push a girl down, and I feel awful about it. But she also shouldn't have gotten physical with me. Alcohol played a big role in that whole disaster. I barely remember it happening. (I've since admitted I have an alcohol problem and have gotten help). This is the fifth time she's broken up with me. Maybe it's the sixth, who knows. This time it's for real, and it's getting realer for me every passing day that I don't hear from her. It's been a week now. After every previous breakup, she'd start texting me within a day, and eventually tell me she missed me and to come over. This time, she told me she was very sad and would miss me. Since then, she mostly hasn't responded to my messages, which have been few and far between. When she did respond yesterday, she made it clear that she was done. She was angry and cruel - she told me she was dating other guys already, and called me names when I was merely apologizing for my role in things and expressing that I didn't want to be enemies with her. I've committed to not contacting her again, but it's been hard. I have thought about and journaled all the reasons she is wrong for me, but my heart keeps yearning for her, and my brain keeps coming up with ideas for texts. Why do I yearn for someone who I know is a bad match for me? Link to comment
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