hurtful and confusing ghosting / fading situation

[bluecastle]

Imo, given that you've been dating 4 months rather than just a few weeks, I think it's reasonable to ask for an honest answer of what's going on rather than just disappearing / cutting contact. I'd be 90% sure that this relationship is on the way out but tbh, I'd just want an explanation for my own peace of mind and closure moving forwards.

 

The other 10% chance I would say could be a genuine reason other than 'losing interest' (e.g. an illness / family bereavement that she's maybe not felt comfortable bringing up given that the 2 of you have just been 'casually dating', but might come out during an honest heart to heart)

 

This.

 

I also think, regardless of where this goes, this will put you on a better path moving forward. Yeah, we can all sit here and diss her and call her insensitive, but I think at four months you'd prefer to be with someone who you can communicate with a bit more directly and authentically. That's a personal skill as much as it's about compatibility, and I get the feeling from this that you've gone a long time with her without really expressing feelings.

[katrina1980]

Ian, no one suggested that he just disappear or suddenly cut contact; ghosting is the cowardly way out especially after four months even if it was casual, which it sounds like it was. A simple text "enjoyed our time, but it's not working for me, take care" would suffice.

 

If it bothers her and she feels the loss, she knows where to find him. As has been said a zillion times, we teach people how to treat us.

 

Also, I don't agree that he should ask for an explanation -- she already gave him an explanation for why she cancelled the third date (with no reschedule like the other two cancellations) -- she "forgot" she had made other plans.

 

I mean seriously, she forgot she made other plans? I'm no Einstein but common sense seriously suggests saying something like that is like asking to be dumped, it's one of the lamest excuses there is.

 

As a woman, when interested in a man, there is no way on god's green earth I would ever cancel two in a row, let alone three in a row, using the excuse "I forgot I made other plans." Nor do I believe any other woman who was interested would either.

 

I think I said earlier that had this been an exclusive long term relationship then yes of course he should communicate with her in an attempt to determine what's going on.

 

But four months in a casual situation? Nah, just walk. Wish her well and say goodbye, not worth it, the writing is on the wall, and no amount of "talking" is gonna change that.

 

Either she is just not interested, or your every day run of the mill "flake" or a combination of both.

 

I agree with blue that effective communication and being authentic is a skill, but for the love of *, have some self-respect, develop some boundaries and exercise some discretion with respect to who you choose to communicate and be authentic with.

 

Anyway, jmo, fwiw.

[figureitout23]

Imo, given that you've been dating 4 months rather than just a few weeks, I think it's reasonable to ask for an honest answer of what's going on rather than just disappearing / cutting contact. I'd be 90% sure that this relationship is on the way out but tbh, I'd just want an explanation for my own peace of mind and closure moving forwards.

 

The other 10% chance I would say could be a genuine reason other than 'losing interest' (e.g. an illness / family bereavement that she's maybe not felt comfortable bringing up given that the 2 of you have just been 'casually dating', but might come out during an honest heart to heart)

 

This.

 

I also think, regardless of where this goes, this will put you on a better path moving forward. Yeah, we can all sit here and diss her and call her insensitive, but I think at four months you'd prefer to be with someone who you can communicate with a bit more directly and authentically. That's a personal skill as much as it's about compatibility, and I get the feeling from this that you've gone a long time with her without really expressing feelings.

 

Agree with both of these and not to pull the sex card but I feel like if this was a woman she’d be told to relax.

 

Talk to her. After 4 months you should be able to talk to her.

 

I hope you keep us updated.

 

I still believe it’s 50/50 that she’s being insincere. I mean unless signs were there all along but to just suddenly 180? I think people deserve the benefit of doubt.

 

If this was 4 dates or even 4 weeks, yeah I’d say you’re still in ghosting territory, but anyone who’s multidating and still weighing options with other men at 4 months was never serious to begin with... what i mean is I think like these others said if you simply walk away or end it via text (kinda gross after 4 months especially if you two have been intimate ) you are going to carry that, it’ll be a pack of jaded added to your baggage, but if you communicate and she tells you straight up yes I want to move on you’ll get that peace of mind or she could say no don’t be silly, this is going on that is going on

 

For the love of God pick up the phone and talk to her. I don’t know why there’s a race to be first to ‘end’ things, you still hurt... may as well get your answer first...

[katrina1980]

Agree with both of these and not to pull the sex card but I feel like if this was a woman she’d be told to relax.

 

Talk to her. After 4 months you should be able to talk to her.

 

 

I really gotta disagree that had this been a woman she would be told to relax.

 

I mean a man cancelling three in a row, with no reschedule, the third cancel because he forgot he made other plans?

 

She'd be told to run for the hills -- block and delete! Reading these forums, I have no doubt about that whatsoever.

 

Anyway, I got to thinking more about this and whether or not he should talk to her given it's been four months.

 

Again jmo, but wouldn't the amount of time they've spent together during that four months have a bearing on this?

 

How many dates have they actually had in that four months' time, we know she cancelled three, so how many before that? Once a week, once every two weeks, once a month? Not unheard of for some couples.

 

I know of a couple who got married after four months! Another couple who had like three dates during that four month period.

 

So, I am not ruling out that he should talk to her, assuming they've spent a decent amount of time together during those four months, developed a mutual connection and trust.

 

But on the other hand, if they've only had a handful of dates during that four month period, and trust had not been established, I maintain he should simply cut losses and move on as explained in my previous post.

[Sportster2005]

Four days, four months, four years. When they lose interest and blow you off, it's time to move on. She's clearly signalling she's done. And she can't even find her spine to tell him properly. No need to take it personal or wonder why. Knowing why never changes the outcome. Head high, walk away, demonstrate strength and resilience. Onward and upward.

[catfeeder]

Four days, four months, four years. When they lose interest and blow you off, it's time to move on. She's clearly signalling she's done. And she can't even find her spine to tell him properly. No need to take it personal or wonder why. Knowing why never changes the outcome. Head high, walk away, demonstrate strength and resilience. Onward and upward.

 

I agree. There doesn't need to be a specific 'reason' that someone isn't a good match for you. It can just be a lack of inspiration to keep dating. So casual dating of 4 months doesn't require any pursuit of 'closure' when you can just move your focus forward onto the next person you want to meet.

[Cinder]

I haven't read 4 pages worth of things here, but I'd say just be less available.

 

Stop initiating texts. Use texting for setting up dates, and that's it. Let her be the one to chase.

 

It's game playing, but it works. I think you said you're new at dating...so this is a learning experience for you on how women date. :-P Yes, she's losing interest with you...but you can get it back if you understand how.

 

Watch some 3% man videos on Youtube....or really any videos about this. lol. It's an eye opening experience. You have to filter out the BS, but there's a lot of good information in there.

 

That being said - we all put on our best mask in the beginning of the honeymoon phase. After 3 or 4 months it starts slipping, and we become our true selves. Maybe she's seeing things in you that she does not like.