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Following on from my previous post, things have got worse for me. My ex ended things with me about a week ago. Said there was no spark anymore. I went a full 5 days no contact, removed him off social media and was feeling stronger than the first day.

 

He then decides to comment on this, and call me immature for removing him. Upset by these comments, I add him back on there.

 

He then texts me saying ‘I kinda wanna see you, but still don’t know I feel’ . This to me is hurtful, as I was processing a break up and now I’m just confused. I said ‘kinda isn’t yes or no, and I’m not being involved with such complication’. He says ‘ok’.

 

The next day he asks what I’m doing at 6pm, and I had just got home from drinking a little. He asks should he come to my place to talk etc and I stupidly say ok. We then end up sleeping together, not talking about anything we should have, and now I’ve not heard a thing from him in 2 days.

 

I regret this so, so much. Have I just been used? I don’t know how somebody who apparently cared about me ever could do this to me. I am really struggling with anxiety and depression right now. And I even came off anti depressants when I met him, so this is just gutting for me .

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I am confused if he is waiting for me to text him. Part of the reason our relationship ended, according to him, was him making more effort. I do disagree with this, other than maybe at the beginning.

 

Should I contact him or just completely move on and not even get closure again? He has been stalking my Instagram daily still.

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I dont know if used is the right term as you willingly went along, it's important not to victimise yourself in this BUT would i sleep with him again? NO. All i see this on/off business doing is confusing and hurting you both.

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THat is impossible for any of us to say i think. Possible but we'd just be guessing. If he gets back in touch i'd only agree to meet up when you are sober and be clear its to chat. In a public place such as a cafe perhaps. Is that what you want?

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Chloe, from your previous posts it seems it doesn't sound like this relationship was on solid ground to begin with. A man who is committed and cares for you (regardless of how you feel about him) would never look up other women or put the blame on you for not trying hard enough in the beginning. For all the bad things that can go wrong and all the not so good people out there, I will stand by love, real love, and let you know that when there is love felt from one person to the next these things don't happen. I didn't know this before or was too blind to see but I know that now, more than ever, in my later years.

 

I'm sorry but I'm going to be the one to tell you that he's not interested in you and he does not love you. No one who loves you would treat you this way (back then or now). Take care of yourself and follow your treatment plan for depression. Don't fall off it for anyone. It's not worth it. There is much more to life than this.

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Thanks for your honest reply. I do know this deep down myself, but my mind keeps taking me back to the beginning when he was good to me. And I’m now thinking how did we get here? It hurts my soul and is breaking me down. But if he wanted me, I guess I wouldn’t be here asking for help and these questions :(

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I feel like I do and don’t. I only say do I think because I hate being alone, and I keep thinking of the better days at the beginning where he was good and we got on so well. Now I’m alone and heartbroken and regret sleeping with him. I feel like an idiot.

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From your last thread it sounds like the time where he was "good" to you, and where you two were "good," has been the exception, not the rule. Which really sucks, and I'm sorry. But if you can see that clearly—that the gap between your "idea" of him and the "actual" him is enormous—you can find the strength and stability for yourself that you're still hoping he might provide.

 

There's no reason to be ashamed of the other night. I suppose there might be a few humans walking the earth who haven't had that kind of sex, but they are few and far between. It happens. Go easy on yourself. But, like ninjabib said, I'd encourage you not to reach for questions about whether or not you were "used." You're confused, he's confused, you two had sex. No victims, just humans.

 

What you want from him is not inside him to give. That's not your fault, not his, but just is. It's very sad. Being sad is okay. Trying to cure that sadness with the source of it—well, that's where things become more sad. You learned that the other night—that's all it was, not being used. Move forward with that lesson and have faith you're on a better path.

 

Hugs.

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I think if someone wants to be with you they will make it clear they do. Maybe he's 50/50 or confused or whatever but that doesnt help you feel any better does it? YOu need to look after yourself here first and foremost now it's over.

 

There is nothing wrong with being single and it's actually important that you learn to be ok with being alone as it will stop you getting sucked into situations with poor partners. ISn't there anything you have been dying to do? Now you are single this is the time to do it! Make new friends, learn a musical instruemnt, take up a hobby etc etc you get the point. Being alone is not a bad thing in itself OP.

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I feel like I do and don’t. I only say do I think because I hate being alone, and I keep thinking of the better days at the beginning where he was good and we got on so well. Now I’m alone and heartbroken and regret sleeping with him. I feel like an idiot.

 

I think everyone everywhere needs to ask themselves why the phrase in bold invokes such fear and causes us to do so many stupid things, me included. Why do you hate being alone OP? What is it about being alone that's so terrible? What's the worst thing that could happen if you end up "alone"?

 

A lot of times we have this perception of "alone" that isn't accurate. I know many single ladies that are perfectly happy to be that way and stay that way... and many that are miserable. We don't always get to decide when we meet someone but we can decide who we want to be in life and what kind of relationship we want. Best to look for solutions to feeling more comfortable being alone than to cling to a relationship with someone that doesn't have the same feelings for us as we have for them.

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Something that I think is a struggle for everyone, is the idea of letting go of things that causes our bodies to secrete hormones. Don't beat yourself up too much about it though. It really isn't your fault that humans have a primal instinct of wanting something that yields unexpected "rewards". It's about thinking about what you want now. If what you want is someone to be with, it doesn't mean it has to be him. Work towards finding another solution to this problem, I know it's easier said than done, but thinking about it and admitting it is the first step.

 

On the note of sleeping with him obviously is something that the norm believes is a big no-no, but who decides what the norm is? You shouldn't feel like an idiot, all you need to think is, although it was something that you wanted because it was a primal instinct, and you regretted it, work your way towards the conclusion that you'll never want to do it again.

 

Something that I honestly believe in is that, first accept the person that you are before accepting others. You need to be able to give yourself enough love before even thinking about sharing it with someone else.

 

Good Luck and all the best!

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Please firmly cut contact and don't sleep with him again. I don't say this because it's "wrong" to have sex with an ex. I say this because clearly the decision to do so has wrecked you emotionally and resulted in feelings of shame and desperation.

 

He is only thinking about himself. Do not get strung along under the guise of confusion. He made a decision and has not made any moves to take it back, which it seems is a good thing, based on his current lack of consideration towards you and your healing. He will likely try to pop in for sex again while he adjusts to his new single status. Don't give him the satisfaction.

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Why do you hate to be alone?

 

Don't you like yourself?

 

Just adding this in :) I hate being alone, too. I know many others that do as well. For me, being alone/loneliness is also a fear, not just a dislike, as I don't enjoy it at all. I can handle spending some time by myself, such as bike rides by the river for a while. However, my energy will always drain over time and I'll eventually become depressive until I see someone I care about - then it will feel like a good recharge. I like myself, but will never prefer to be alone. I think it's a classic trait of being an extrovert, though I'm sure there are many other reasonings outside of that.

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I think that you should not have added him back, as you can see it has hurt your recovery. Also, do not have any communication, unless he wants to talk reconciliation. No more hang outs or sex.

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Just adding this in :) I hate being alone, too. I know many others that do as well. For me, being alone/loneliness is also a fear, not just a dislike, as I don't enjoy it at all. I can handle spending some time by myself, such as bike rides by the river for a while. However, my energy will always drain over time and I'll eventually become depressive until I see someone I care about - then it will feel like a good recharge. I like myself, but will never prefer to be alone. I think it's a classic trait of being an extrovert, though I'm sure there are many other reasonings outside of that.

 

"Hating" being alone indicates a discomfort of being in one's own skin... the inability of a person to essentially self soothe and enjoy their own company. Extroverts need people but the extroverts I know also enjoy their alone time. I am a social introvert and need connection as well but I thrive on my time to myself, even with a boyfriend it's essential for me to have that time alone.

 

I agree with the other poster that said it is in human nature for us to struggle with letting go... I get this way when I let go of an idea never mind of a relationship. I think the more we can get comfortable with being uncomfortable the more we open ourselves up to better ideas / relationships / jobs / friends / situations in life.

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As an update, he has been trying to see me today. I declined and said maybe tomorrow. He seems to be trying to work things out. But I am not prepared to put myself through this again. Thank you so much for all the responses. It has opened my eyes, and showed me if I’m strong I can be alone. And that it is okay!

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