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Confused heart


LOSTGIRLV
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Hello, Im 23 and have been with my partner 2 and a half years. He is 21. However, approximatly nearly 3 weeks ago he randomly woke up in the morning and told me he didnt want to be with me anymore and that he didnt love me anymore. Obviously this took me by complete suprise and knocked the wind out of me because previous to that we had been so inlove. We didnt speak for a couple of days as he said he needed space, i didnt contact him out of respect, as much as it hurt to keep away. He then gets in contact via text and has been in contact everyday since, telling me he didnt mean it, he loves me more than anything and it was because he felt suffocated and that im too much? i apparently stress him out and dont let him live his life?! i never knew he felt like this because up until then he had never expressed this to me, our relationship seemed perfect and i have never forced him to be with me. Since he contacted, numoreous times i have asked him to meet up with me because i think we need to speak about our situation face to face and each and everytime he has an excuse that 'hes busy' BUT when i pull away, he texts and tells me he misses and loves me so much. I want to believe him so badly but his actions say different. I really do love him and im so confused, he wont talk to me about what is going on so i am stuck in limbo. I dont understand how someone can wake up one day and not feel the same as the night before and for so much to change so quickly. My insecurities are saying its because hes seeing someone else although when ive asked, he tells me that its honestly not the case. Maybe TMI but the other night whilst in a flirty conversation i asked him to come over for sex but he turned me down because he was 'busy'. Hes continuing to subtly flirt and contact me but doesnt want to go any further? I just feel like a complete idiot. Our relationship was never like this so what has changed? Its hurting me so much to not know and i cant help but feel like its my fault.

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Yes there could be someone else in his life but it's not necessarily that. He's young and you've been together a long time for someone that young and he could be hitting a point where he's wondering 'is this it?' There could be a big part of him that wants to explore beyond your relationship and he can't if he's with you. And if it's something like that, it won't have happened overnight - this will have built for a long time until it just got too much. He might still really have feelings for you but also could feel completely trapped by them, putting him in conflict with himself and you're caught in it.

 

Some guys really struggle to settle down and, in all honesty, I'd say 21 is too young to do that but, 2 and a half years into a relationship, it might feel to him like that is happening or is the next step. Whether there is someone else or not, fear of missing out is going to kick in. And it could happen in both directions, hence his unpredictability - if he's with you, what else is he missing? And if he's not with you, what's he missing out on with you?

 

If it's something along those lines, he's going to have to make some hard choices soon and he might come to the conclusion that he needs to explore more and live out other paths.

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I completly respect that to be honest with you, we've actually had this conversation a few times because ive said to him he should be experiencing more and he has always convinced me otherwise because "hes older in his mind", What do you think i should do?

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If he's lukewarm and not following up on his cryptic messages or, worse, hot and cold, you already have your answer. This person is not committed to you and it doesn't matter how you slice the pie. It's over. You shouldn't have to ever second guess or feel like you're living in limbo. What we often forget as individuals is that we have a choice. When we're going through a tough time we think that this is all there is and we succumb to it or begin to believe that there is nothing we can do.

 

There are a lot of things you cannot change but there is one thing you can: take care of yourself and start believing that you deserve better. Move yourself out of this position and take responsibility for your own unhappiness.

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He is completly lukewarm. I ignored him for not even a day and he literally blew my phone up asking me what i was doing and is this really how im acting? Its extrremly confusing. At the same time of not wanting to see me, he messages at night asking if i need anything before he gets home? but wont commit to meeting? Do i just commit to ignoring?

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Instead of thinking of his hot/cold behavior as "confusing" think of it as "clarity." This is who he is right now, all he can offer. It sucks. It hurts. But it is not ambiguous, you know? He is being very consistent, in ways that should make it "clear" that he can't give you what you need to feel secure.

 

It's ignoring that idea that is confusing more than the actual behavior.

 

As others have said, he's young. He's battling a zillion thoughts and feelings right now that he can't articulate. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change all that, and it may be years before he has the sort of clarity about things you want right now. Years.

 

I would tell him—and I know how hard this is—that you've done some thinking and have realized you can't stay in touch anymore, that you need to give yourself some time to think and feel. He will very likely ignore this and continue doing what he's doing. That's not because he's a selfish monster, but it's also not as simple as him loving you. It's his confusion. Confusion is contagious. Think of taking some time to yourself as a way to avoid the contagion so you don't get more infected than you already are.

 

I wish I had rosier advice. But I've been him, as have a lot of people. People don't reconnect through hot/cold loops but just get further apart, drained.

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It's okay to hope. It's human. He has hope too.

 

The important thing—and the hard thing—is what we do to cope with and indulge that hope. The hot/cold texts? That's, well, hopeless. Doesn't do either of you any favors because it keeps you in this place and very quickly becomes the place. The more you do that the more you tarnish the good stuff between you too.

 

I'm not sure if this will resonate, but a personal story: I hit a version of the skids he's in many years ago in a relationship, when I was around his age. I ended it, which was so hard—for me, and especially for her. Came out of nowhere. Even while ending it I knew I wanted another chance, but I also knew there was some itch I needed to scratch that I couldn't scratch inside the relationship. It wasn't something to articulate. It wasn't another woman. It was just...something.

 

This was before the days of texting and social media. We just went...silent. It sucked. It hurt. But after a few months I reached back out to her, with a clearer head and heart. She'd processed things a bit, had a clearer head and heart too. We were calm, not anxious. We got back together—not forever, but another nice chapter that we're both grateful to have had.

 

Had texting etc. existed back then? I probably would have been doing exactly what he's doing and there's no way we'd have had that chapter—to say nothing of the one that followed, a hard breakup that led, eventually, to a lifelong friendship. (I'm 39, for reference.) But without the technology to indulge hope with that kind of destructive and immature instinct the instinct was dormant, and the good between us didn't get tarnished by drama.

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Not his first love no, but first serious/ intense relationship yes.

 

 

- right. He's not ready to fall in love in yet - he feels like he has to sow his wild oats. This happens often with young men and women.

 

All you can do is find a replacement, another man. In time, you'll get over this man and be right as rain again.

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As to what you do now... if I were in your position, I'd tell him that I love him and that the door is still open. However, you're finding that this on/off contact is too painful to deal with, and you'd rather not hear from him again unless it's to state, unequivocally, that he wants to rekindle the relationship.

 

Then block him, to stop all this communication which is really messing with you right now. If he wants you back, he'll find a way to get in touch.

 

Other than that, carry on with your own life, your own interests and your own friends and put him behind you.

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As to what you do now... if I were in your position, I'd tell him that I love him and that the door is still open. However, you're finding that this on/off contact is too painful to deal with, and you'd rather not hear from him again unless it's to state, unequivocally, that he wants to rekindle the relationship.

 

I'm with this, except I'd use the time to consider how willing I really am to reinvest in someone who can wake up and drop me on a dime. That's a pretty high stress way to live, and I doubt I'd be up for it.

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I think your suspicion that he has met someone else might be correct, OP.

 

He isn't sure where that might go, but he knows he can't reasonably continue a relationship with you in any "official" capacity if he exploring another option. However, he doesn't want you to go anywhere in case it doesn't work out with her.

 

I agree he is young and probably far from being ready to settle down, which is ultimately the underlying problem. If there is another girl on his radar, she was only a catalyst in bringing to the surface other issues which he hadn't previously voiced to you.

 

Be honest with him that his continued contact and refusal to see you is too confusing and that you would prefer he not be in touch unless he wants to commit to the relationship. But, as catfeeder rightly points out, you need to spend some time thinking very carefully about whether or not you would be able to continue with him knowing how suddenly he walked away. This isn't a guy who is invested or on the same page as you.

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