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Forward or Red Flag Creepy


thornz
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So chatted to a guy on POF briefly a while ago before I came off it because I was finding dating a chore. We had a lot of shared interests and he lives locally. It's been roughly 4 months since then and I went back on there.

 

He messaged me straight away 3 days ago, expressing surprise that I was still on there. I explained I logged off and then came back. He said he was disappointed he didn't get to meet me and would like to do so. We exchanged a few messages, he asked if I had plans this weekend which I did. He asked if he could add me on FB, I said no. Today He said he would prefer to meet than chat on there, was I busy today? I said I had just got home was going to eat and chill but I agree we should meet. Gave him my number and told him to text me next week (it's Sunday) to arrange something. He replies to say fancy a chat? I respond what now? Eager aren't you? Two minutes later he's ringing me. I don't answer because I am going to eat and chill like I just told him. He then messages me to say ring ring :D

 

Thoughts

 

I know what I'm thinking but I'm tired and grumpy so wanted some second opinions before I decide if to block him or tell him to get a grip and ring me Tuesday when I'm not so exhausted. My thoughts are that he is a bunny boiler or the type who has no respect for boundaries and tries to just steamroll you into doing what he wants but maybe I'm being dramatic 🤔

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I am not sure why you typed a rude message to him - if you wanted to criticize his approach maybe at least do that by phone so you don't come across as so snarky/passive.

 

I do think he's acting in an overwhelming way and it sounds like back then you didn't meet him mostly because you weren't interested enough - meeting someone for coffee often becomes not as much of a chore if someone piques your interest enough where you think it might be fun just to meet-as in "why not". It's kind of how my husband and I reconnected.

 

I think it's great that he was eager to meet in person -shows he has real intentions of dating in real life. I would stop typing snarky messages to him and just be straight up "I am available to chat on ___ and at that time let's make a plan"

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This is exactly why I'm very hesitant to give away my number so easily on these dating apps.

I guard my phone number as much as I guard my social security card number.

Not all, but some of the men on dating apps can get to be a bit of a nuisance if you're not moving at the fast pace of meeting as they want.

That's why if there is a guy I'm interested in , & he begans asking for my number, I'll give him a phone burner number first.

Just a second line number downloaded from Google Play Store.

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When I met men through online dating sites I wanted to talk by phone ASAP and took the person's number and called him. I saw that as a good sign that he wasn't just looking for a chat buddy. If our phone call went ok we made plans to meet within the week for coffee. I also googled as needed and was very good at screening out inappropriate men or men who were lying about basic stuff. If he didn't want to meet ASAP or talk by phone ASAP I assumed he was married or just looking for a chat buddy. I met over 100 men in person and very few behaved inappropriately. Two were unstable and one other was unstable and a pathological liar. A few were too touchy/feely/forward on the first meet.

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When I met men through online dating sites I wanted to talk by phone ASAP and took the person's number and called him. I saw that as a good sign that he wasn't just looking for a chat buddy. If our phone call went ok we made plans to meet within the week for coffee. I also googled as needed and was very good at screening out inappropriate men or men who were lying about basic stuff. If he didn't want to meet ASAP or talk by phone ASAP I assumed he was married or just looking for a chat buddy. I met over 100 men in person and very few behaved inappropriately. Two were unstable and one other was unstable and a pathological liar. A few were too touchy/feely/forward on the first meet.

 

I wasn't interested the first time round because when I asked how long he was single he told me 3 weeks and I was not interested in being a rebound. It has been 4 months now and this time he made a point to tell me they were only dating 6 months so in that context 3 weeks doesn't seem like such a short period to start dating again. I was very interested but this kind of thing puts me off.

 

I think it's great if a guy wants to meet within a week and is straight forward enough to say so. If I tell you twice in the course of our short conversation I am busy this weekend but give you my number and tell you to get in touch next week so we can arrange to meet but you instead ring me within five minutes that feels very pushy. I told him I was going to eat and chill. This kind of behaviour just feels like hard work. What is so desperate that he needs to ring me now and not next week aka tomorrow like I said?

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This is exactly why I'm very hesitant to give away my number so easily on these dating apps.

I guard my phone number as much as I guard my social security card number.

Not all, but some of the men on dating apps can get to be a bit of a nuisance if you're not moving at the fast pace of meeting as they want.

That's why if there is a guy I'm interested in , & he begans asking for my number, I'll give him a phone burner number first.

Just a second line number downloaded from Google Play Store.

 

For me it's usually a case of they don't move at a fast enough pace for me lol. I'm quite happy to give out my number as I can just block the weirdos (of which there are lots lol). I just feel like he would be hard work to keep in check with me having to constantly reinforce my boundaries as he tries to overstep.

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Hey, I'm with you. That behavior would scare me off too. Some people are go, go, go, and want constant communication/reassurance on dating websites. I consider it a red flag and pass generally.

 

I don't mind go go go, so long as it's respectful of each others boundaries and personal space. I am typically happy to give out my number within 5/6 screening messages and talk on the phone within a day or two of that. I hate texting all the time but if you ask if you can call me, I don't agree but you call me anyway, what is that all about? 🤔

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Yes as I wrote I agreed too that he was over the top. I just wouldn't have replied as you did because he is a stranger and being snarky isn't called for. I might give him one more chance and totally understand why you now feel uncomfortable.

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It’s not snarky to say “eager are you?” - it’s factually correct. She said it out of a place of discomfort, giving a hint to him that he crossed her boundaries. I think it’s more than ok to say something when one is uncomfortable.

 

I found the words she chose to a stranger to be sarcastic and uncalled for. We can disagree! Certainly she could have written "I'm uncomfortable with you continuing to text when I've explained I am [busy]. Thank you for respecting my wishes." She's not "saying" anything when uncomfortable -she's typing words to a stranger. If she'd blurted it out over the phone different story -when people are uncomfortable sure that can happen.

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I found the words she chose to a stranger to be sarcastic and uncalled for. We can disagree! Certainly she could have written "I'm uncomfortable with you continuing to text when I've explained I am [busy]. Thank you for respecting my wishes." She's not "saying" anything when uncomfortable -she's typing words to a stranger. If she'd blurted it out over the phone different story -when people are uncomfortable sure that can happen.

 

I don't feel it was snarky and it definitely wasn't sarcastic. It was blunt and matter of fact and in fitting with all our correspondence prior and my personality in general. I don't put on heirs and graces for strangers, I don't beat around the bush or be overly sensitive, I just be myself from the beginning. Anything else is disingenuous. I think if he thought I was being snarky he wouldn't have rung. Who wants to speak to someone snarky? Then again who wants to speak to someone who has made it clear they are not available to talk right now? 🤔

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I don't feel it was snarky and it definitely wasn't sarcastic. It was blunt and matter of fact and in fitting with all our correspondence prior and my personality in general. I don't put on heirs and graces for strangers, I don't beat around the bush or be overly sensitive, I just be myself from the beginning. Anything else is disingenuous. I think if he thought I was being snarky he wouldn't have rung. Who wants to speak to someone snarky? Then again who wants to speak to someone who has made it clear they are not available to talk right now? 🤔

 

I was concerned for your safety especially since he is pushy/potentially unstable. No need to put on "airs" (heirs are the people who will get your money later on lol) and graces of course -never suggested that! I am not a fan of letting it all hang out with strangers especially form dating sites.

 

I don't think politeness and directness are disingenuous. I think criticizing a stranger from a dating site especially in typed words is way too risky. You're lucky he didn't take offense. I've been in the situation where strangers from dating sites have taken offense even though I didn't mean to offend and harassed me. No fun.

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I also already told him "I am uncomfortable with you continuing to text when I have explained I am busy" in my own direct way which was "Here's my number, text me next week" lol

 

I will get him to call me next week and see how I feel about meeting him but certainly not holding out much hope that he won't turn out to be a pushy weirdo. Chatting to someone else who seems a lot more respectful so will see if he is available too.

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I also already told him "I am uncomfortable with you continuing to text when I have explained I am busy" in my own direct way which was "Here's my number, text me next week" lol

 

I will get him to call me next week and see how I feel about meeting him but certainly not holding out much hope that he won't turn out to be a pushy weirdo. Chatting to someone else who seems a lot more respectful so will see if he is available too.

 

I would not meet him if I were you -you already are biased against him so it's a waste of time. I think your first response about "text me next week" was perfectly fine and direct!

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My gut is telling me he is distrusting because of being chested on and is eager to see if I have a bf I'm hiding etc by trying to nosy on my fb and ring me unannounced (sort of) I'm not interested in dealing with that baggage. Will see how he behaves but definitely on guard with this one.

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My gut is telling me he is distrusting because of being chested on and is eager to see if I have a bf I'm hiding etc by trying to nosy on my fb and ring me unannounced (sort of) I'm not interested in dealing with that baggage. Will see how he behaves but definitely on guard with this one.

 

I think you're overthinking what a stranger might be thinking and feeling. When I screened people out it was for things like this -too much calling/emailing (I didn't text back then or have a cell) - too pushy. I nexted men like that right away. I didn't try to play therapist as it took away from time invested in meeting men who might be right and it was just a negative pursuit I didn't need. If it's interesting for you to analyze sure go for it!

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I was concerned for your safety especially since he is pushy/potentially unstable. No need to put on "airs" (heirs are the people who will get your money later on lol) and graces of course -never suggested that! I am not a fan of letting it all hang out with strangers especially form dating sites.

 

I don't think politeness and directness are disingenuous. I think criticizing a stranger from a dating site especially in typed words is way too risky. You're lucky he didn't take offense. I've been in the situation where strangers from dating sites have taken offense even though I didn't mean to offend and harassed me. No fun.

 

Yes I have had strangers on dating sites and in real life and even on a date take offence or dislike either my personality or sense of humour and that is a good thing imo. Weeds out those who we are not compatible with or who need a sensitive touch (absolutely not for me). I have strangers on dating sites harass me even if I dont acknowledge their original message. They get blocked. Dealing with people who don't like you or are offended by you, who you don't like or are offended by is part and parcel of online dating. If offending people and potentially getting a bit of slack for it mean I don't waste time talking to those I'm not a good match with then that's a risk I'm happy to take. I'm not an overly diplomatic person and can be quite coarse so not much point pretending otherwise lol

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I think you're overthinking what a stranger might be thinking and feeling. When I screened people out it was for things like this -too much calling/emailing (I didn't text back then or have a cell) - too pushy. I nexted men like that right away. I didn't try to play therapist as it took away from time invested in meeting men who might be right and it was just a negative pursuit I didn't need. If it's interesting for you to analyze sure go for it!

 

I do get a bit of a buzz out of trying to figure people out I will admit. I don't try play therapist or excuse their behaviour though. If I'm proved right then good riddance, if not then let's see how it goes 😁

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