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Breaking up with an emotionally unavailable woman


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Hi everyone


I got involved with an emotionally unavailable woman. I posted on here about a month ago asking for everyone’s advice on what I should do. I did listen to everything everyone had to say. I broke up with her twice now, but she kept coming back saying she would change but hasn’t.

It has been just false promises and breadcrumbs and I’ve finally had enough. Part of me wants to tell her to sort herself out, and part of me wants to just ignore her.

What I’d like to ask you all is this. Do I send her the following message, or do I just block her out of my life and go no contact?



All I’ve ever been to you is Mr nice guy. Well here’s the part of me that’s going to tell you to wake the up! You go on about how miserable you are, how indifferent you are when things go wrong. How cold faced you are, how depressed you feel. How boring your life is, how you have no friends where you live. You never do anything. You never make any plans. You don’t make any effort to change things. It’s a ing sob story B! You’re in a place, I get it! You’ve dragged me down with you, never talking about anything positive. It’s all doom and gloom. I have tried to help. I’ve offered you time, companionship, friendship, commitment, trust, openness, a relationship, love, intimacy and you’ve rejected it all. And you still keep coming back wanting something from me. What the do you want B?! There is no way in this world anyone can do anything to make you happy, it’s impossible because you don’t want it. You seem content to sit there on your own, wallowing in your own self pity over a bloke who did you wrong. Until you get over all that from your past, deal with all that pain, find yourself again and then learn to love yourself again, you’re lost to anyone including yourself. You haven’t moved on from your previous relationship. It is so ing obvious, and ing sad!

Now you may think I’m an arsehole for saying all of this, but I don’t care what you think of me anymore. I’m fed up of wasting my emotional energy on you for nothing. Maybe this is the kick up the arse you need to sort your out.

People come into your life for a reason, and I’m here to teach you lessons about yourself.

I know that there is an amazing, beautiful woman inside of you, locked away behind abuse, trauma and heartbreak. Struggling to get out and get the love and intimacy she deserves and is crying out for.

But I see no emotion in you whatsoever. You are cold. You are completely uninterested in anyone else. You are selfish and self centred. You do not show any feelings to anyone.

Wake the up and do something about it!

You’ve dragged me down into a bad place. You’ve used me to boost your ego and your very low level of self esteem. It’ll take me time to get over you. That’s my fault for getting involved in the first place with you. I’ve been here before, and fell for it all over again.

That’s my problem to work on, and believe me I’m going to work on it!

No one is going to rescue you. No knight in shining armour is going to appear and make it all right for you. They’re all going to see you the way I finally have. You’re wasting your time dating as the same pattern will repeat itself.

You are broken, ed up, damaged goods.

Go and get some therapy as you need it.

Yes, I am angry, but not with you. I’m angry with myself for trying to fix you when you don’t even seem to want to fix yourself.

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I'm sure you discussed a lot of what is in that message to her already. Think of it as a purge for you having typed it, and then don't send it. Don't invest anymore of your emotional energy into her. You've learned a valuable lesson and it'll help you choose a more romantic partner more wisely in the future. Take care.

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Write it out on a piece of paper and save and read it when you feel like it. Do this for one week and then burn it and get on with your life without her in it. Block and delete her so that she can't hoover you back for more of the same. Do not try to "help" her. She needs to work through her issues herself or with the help of a professional counselor.


Move on from her in all ways.

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You can write that stuff down as much as you need to, for you. But don't send. To send it is just to stay on the very path you're lamenting in those words, being dragged down, by her, to a place you don't want to be, being a version of yourself that is not true or admirable. It will feel good, for a microsecond. Then it will feel very, very bad, for far longer.


As angry as you are with her—totally understandable—you're just as angry with yourself. The subtext of that message is: girl, fix your damn self so I feel better and not like a fool for liking you!


You're essentially validating her for who she is, the power she has over you, which you've already done enough through breakups that don't hold, the snacking on breadcrumbs, rewarding her with your emotional energy.


You want to take that away and take your power back? Do it. Become a ghost to her, let her disappear into the atmosphere. Howl at the moon, scribble on paper, vent here if needed—all that is healthier than a vengeful text that opens the door to the very cycle you want out of.


It sucks, I know. The files in my computer containing such messages are numerous. That I have never in my life sent one to a woman is a small source or pride and, I think, a mark of stability. Not sending is where the strength is, hard as it is to believe right now. But the thing you want to feel right now? It begins in silence, not in a shout.

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This may sound like some overly-dramatic movie sound bite or something, but why not meet with her in person and say your piece?


It's good to express thoughts and feelings, will help w your healing process, as long as it's done in a respectful manner, no name calling or belittling. Calm, rationally, but assertively.


Keeping these feelings inside, bottled up, only causes them to fester within, which serves no good purpose imo.


Who knows, it may give her something to think about, assuming it's true and she may even have more respect for you for having the balls to say it.


But say it in person, not over text, that's the cowardly way out and she may view you as weak, angry and bitter, and dismiss your words altogether.


But in person? Now that takes strength and confidence, and truly conveys the message you don't give a rat's rear end what the hell she thinks.


Say your piece, wish her well, leave and be done w it.


When I was much younger, I played all sorts of games, shyt tests and the like.


There was actually one man who had the courage to call me out, and I gained such a respect for him, as he was 100% spot on re everything he said.


I even suggested we continue dating, now that I am aware of all the bs I created, but HE wanted no part of that -- he was done.


I still think about him sometimes.


I dunno, just something else to consider I guess.

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Personally, I would not send it. I think it's a good idea that you wrote it. Print it out and hold on to it. At least you were able to get your feeling and thoughts out. This girl is not ready to have any kind of meaningful relationship. She is broken and she needs to fix herself, either by working through her issues herself or with the help of a therapist. You've told her that many times, I imagine. I would go NC. You don't need to become entangled in this messed up situation. You tried so hard; it didn't work. Please accept that and move on, as hard as that may be.

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I mean you could send it, I just think at 44 your time would be much better spent facing your own potential codependent tendencies.


She didnt hold a gun to your head, relationship are optional, try to remember that. Healthy people dont enter relationships to 'save' their partners.


ETA - wait this was a 2 month relationship? The way this post was written I thought this was a decades long on again off again relationship...

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I would not send it


Too much focus on what you are doing to deserve another communication style from her and too much ripping her down.


If anything, if she does want to talk about things -- don't focus on things that she can do to change "be more available, stop complaining" because she will just try to change those things... but things that cannot be changed "we are just too different.I am looking for long term and I have decied we are not a match. " And leave it be.


if you have taken her back or are talking regularly, i would not block her - i would actually end it for good. If you had not talked to her in 2 weeks and was clear that it was over - then that's fine, you can block her.

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