How to deal with this

[boltnrun]

If you "like him lots" why did you act bad tempered toward him?

[floralprints]

No, everything from the the beginning was indicative of wanting something serious. He didn’t tell me he did not want serious in the beginning. All his actions showed the otherwise.

[MissCanuck]

You didn't know him long enough to really assess if he wanted something serious, OP.

 

2 months is nothing. You need much more time to truly evaluate what someone's intentions are. The first couple months are almost always thrilling and fun, but it's when the honeymoon dust settles that you really see what your union is made of. You can't assume what you see in the first few weeks is going to be the permanent tone of the relationship. And, people can and do change their minds sometimes as they get to know someone. He changed his mind, for several reasons.

 

I actually think all of this says more about you than him. You seem to be quite desperate to hang on, which suggests something deeper is going on with you. You're emotionally spinning in circles trying to figure out how to make him come back, and you still don't know the guy all that well. Where is your dignity, girl? Has there been a lot of rejection in your past with other guys, or?

[PuffyParakee]

Girl bye, you asked that question after two dates, in other words after meeting him twice. Chatting on the dating site doesn’t count as dating time!

 

If you haven’t wrapped your head around that quite yet, that’s fine, but don’t twist the story.

Actually, a 4 HOUR LONG introduction, 2 dates afterwards, further planning on his end for a third date.

He seemed enthusiastic prior to moving to NY city, which is why I eventually asked that question.

I was asking him if he wanted just sex or further dating. I know now the way I worded it got lost in translation & was misinterpreted.

 

Anyway, I do not want to derail OPs thread. That's insensitive considering what she's going through, but why are so snappy & rude & towards me.

I already feel sh-tty about the situation.

I'm a respectful & nice person both online & IRL.

"Gurl Bye." & "Don't twist the story."

Who do you think you are? My virtual mom? You don't tell me what I can't or not do in such a dismissive manner.

I'm not articulate with putting my words on paper but were you there with me throughout the experience for you to say "I'm twisting the story."?

[ThatwasThen]

He told me the break up story of his: girl wanted to get married, he wasn't ready yet though promised her he would. She left and met someone and got married (within the span of 6 months?) and now regrets and comes back to him. He said those phone calls that night were from the ex's new partner because he knew the ex is not coming back to him?

 

I don't know how true is this but conclusion is the same for me...

 

Just get on with your life and work on yourself so that you're not wasting men's time by being a high maintenance project that some codependent guy has to try and fix while failing at it.

 

Why are you so angry and emotional? Did you have a bad childhood that has left you resentful or did you have a too good childhood wherein your parents gave you everything, always allowed you your own way so now, as an adult, you become angry and petulant when you don't get your own way.

 

This was a two month dating situation and you are obsessed about it. Get therapy to help you to understand that you can't always get what you want. Have you never been told "No?" You would do well to learn how to accept rejection with a little more grace and maturity.

[Batya33]

No, everything from the the beginning was indicative of wanting something serious. He didn’t tell me he did not want serious in the beginning. All his actions showed the otherwise.

 

The only indication of wanting something serious is to state that to you and/or ask you out on dates regularly. Those are the only relevant actions IMO if someone wants to seriously date you. The person asks you out on a date, typically one that is planned in advance especially if the person has serious intentions.

[ThatwasThen]

I think it's sad that that ^^^ has to be told to someone who is an adult.

 

Op: You would do well to read "He's Just Not That Into You" and then watch the movie as well so that you have some dating savvy before you put yourself out there again.

[floralprints]

The only indication of wanting something serious is to state that to you and/or ask you out on dates regularly. Those are the only relevant actions IMO if someone wants to seriously date you. The person asks you out on a date, typically one that is planned in advance especially if the person has serious intentions.

 

he asked me on dates regularly, few times a week, planned well in advance and all that

he also texted every morning, called every night ..

[floralprints]

I think it's sad that that ^^^ has to be told to someone who is an adult.

 

Op: You would do well to read "He's Just Not That Into You" and then watch the movie as well so that you have some dating savvy before you put yourself out there again.

 

He was clearly super into me then and he admitted so even now.

[floralprints]

You didn't know him long enough to really assess if he wanted something serious, OP.

 

2 months is nothing. You need much more time to truly evaluate what someone's intentions are. The first couple months are almost always thrilling and fun, but it's when the honeymoon dust settles that you really see what your union is made of. You can't assume what you see in the first few weeks is going to be the permanent tone of the relationship. And, people can and do change their minds sometimes as they get to know someone. He changed his mind, for several reasons.

 

I actually think all of this says more about you than him. You seem to be quite desperate to hang on, which suggests something deeper is going on with you. You're emotionally spinning in circles trying to figure out how to make him come back, and you still don't know the guy all that well. Where is your dignity, girl? Has there been a lot of rejection in your past with other guys, or?

 

Your comment is deeply appreciated.

 

I seem to really struggle to accept his "super into me behaviour", genuine care and attention transforming into indifference and distance now

 

I think I have a massive fear of being abandoned, and I feel I am now being abandoned (when a guy loses his affection for me). This is causing a pit in the stomach sensation for me, and makes me feel nauseous. This also leads to lots of self-blame (that my behaviours led to this, that if I didn't get angry or clingy he would have seen how great I was and liked me more and more instead) and also spinning in circles (talking to myself that he was just not ready, he was not over his ex) to alleviate these difficult feelings, that had I done nothing wrong he would still have not called me gf at all after several more months of dating.

[Batya33]

But he told you early on he did not want a serious relationship with you. So where do you get the "super into me" part?

[MissCanuck]

I seem to really struggle to accept his "super into me behaviour", genuine care and attention transforming into indifference and distance now.

 

I think there are a couple possibilities, probably a bit of both of the following:

 

A) He was on the rebound and trying to plug the hole left by his ex. A lot rebounders go into a new relationship full-steam ahead because they're sad and miss their ex, so they will dive right in to make the loneliness go away. Until, of course, they really get that their new relationship isn't going to help them heal. His ex calling him made him realize he still wants her.

 

and

 

B) Your angry and moody temper. What I am struggling to understand is this - if he was as super into you as you're now saying, what exactly were you getting upset about? What was triggering you? If you were getting angry because you sensed he was pulling away or not on the same page, then I can't grasp how you feel he was super into you.

[ThatwasThen]

He was clearly super into me then and he admitted so even now.

 

This was/is only based on lust and sexual attraction. Once he got to know you past the sex, lust, infatuation, he was not interested in anything committed or serious with you. You having such a hard time accepting that you were not the girl that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with is troubling.

 

I ask again, why are you so OBSESSED with a man that you only saw within a two month period? I suspect it is because you are not usd to being rejected and so you are having a hard time accepting that someone wouldn't want you.

 

I think answering your questions and us GUESSING AT THE ANSWERS is just fueling your 'need to be accepted' so you are now just justifying how much he wanted you instead of accepting that he did not, healing from the disappointment and then putting yourself out there again once you learn to be less fearing of abandonment.... did your father or mother abandon you as a child? The questions you would do well to delve into is why do you have such fear of abandonment (amongst others) rather then all these questions about someone you barely knew. Two months is nothing.

[floralprints]

I think there are a couple possibilities, probably a bit of both of the following:

 

A) He was on the rebound and trying to plug the hole left by his ex. A lot rebounders go into a new relationship full-steam ahead because they're sad and miss their ex, so they will dive right in to make the loneliness go away. Until, of course, they really get that their new relationship isn't going to help them heal. His ex calling him made him realize he still wants her.

 

and

 

B) Your angry and moody temper. What I am struggling to understand is this - if he was as super into you as you're now saying, what exactly were you getting upset about? What was triggering you? If you were getting angry because you sensed he was pulling away or not on the same page, then I can't grasp how you feel he was super into you.

 

 

B) he was super into me. My angry behaviours stem from:

 

1a) unreasonable instances when I acted like I was upset but because I just wanted him to show care (thereby to reaffirm and reassure me of his affection). An example would be he always called me at night before bed. One evening I texted him and said I would sleep now (which was earlier than usual) and he just texted ok goodnight rather than called. Then I started saying don’t ever call me your baby again I’m not your baby etc.

 

1b) one Saturday we watched movie and brunch but then he told me he would have to work in the afternoon instead of spending time with me. Which was fine. But during the movie he didn’t really enjoy it and kept glancing at his Apple Watch for messages. I added one and one and thought he was seeing another girl in the afternoon and got upset and angry. He convinced me he wasn’t and when he was back home to work he texted and told me so. We texted more and I said sorry I was like that and maybe we weren’t right for each other. He didn’t reply instantly then I deleted his number.

 

3) he tried to push for unprotected sex and did when I was tipsy, I got pretty upset and angry the next day and he apologised and said he would get checked (didn’t in the end)

 

4) the breaking point - after episodes of all the above, we got well again and we celebrated birthday together. Things seemed to be fine and there was a tiny instance when I thought I saw a female texting him which he quickly convinced me otherwise and things were great that night. The next day we were sweet texting which eventually led me to ask so am I your girlfriend? To which he replied he didn’t wanna rush into another relationship but he promised not to go after other girls. I spoke to a few friends who all said he was just playing me. And so I let myself reacted (this, adding the unprotected sex, made me feel used). He apologised the next days but I was still upset. Then he gave me space. Few days after, a mutual friend told me he was with his ex and they would get married, they were a good loving couple (however this friend last saw him last summer according to the guy). We talked on the phone and he convinced me they broke up half a year ago and asked if I wanted to meet that night. I did. He sounded confused. The ex called twice (he didn’t pick up). Ytd he told me it was actually the ex’s new partner who was calling.

After that night things completely changed and the next day he finally made it clear he was not sure when he would be ready for serious and that he didn’t wanna hurt me.

 

 

He told me ytd (Sunday) he was not looking for serious from the beginning. He said he really liked me from the beginning but realised I wasn’t right. But he also said even if I was right he would not be ready. I couldn’t stop my self blaming. can we undo this. Things were really well a few weeks ago. I wish I didn’t throw temper and just be sweet and treat him nicely. Then he might have loved me and moved on from the ex and be with me. Pls helpz

[boltnrun]

People have tried to help you but you don't seem to accept anything other than someone somehow giving you step by step instructions on how to get him to love you.

 

But we can't, because you can't force someone to want to be with you.

 

And besides, why would you want to??

[ThatwasThen]

He told me ytd (Sunday) he was not looking for serious from the beginning. He said he really liked me from the beginning but realised I wasn’t right.

Like I told you. In the beginning it was based on sex, lust and infatuation. As he got to know you, he discovered that you two weren't a match.

You are insecure and high maintenance. Forget him and work on your confidence and your inability to self-sooth when you feel you aren't getting the high maintenance attention you demanded of him.

 

How has your romantic life been prior to meeting him? Have you had a history of short term relationships?

[floralprints]

Like I told you. In the beginning it was based on sex, lust and infatuation. As he got to know you, he discovered that you two weren't a match.

You are insecure and high maintenance. Forget him and work on your confidence and your inability to self-sooth when you feel you aren't getting the high maintenance attention you demanded of him.

 

How has your romantic life been prior to meeting him? Have you had a history of short term relationships?

 

If I was not insecure and high maintenance, would things have been different?

The main issue is that he is not over the ex?

Or if he met someone perfect and nice six months after his break up, he would have been able to move on and commit regardless?

[MissCanuck]

If I was not insecure and high maintenance, would things have been different?

The main issue is that he is not over the ex?

Or if he met someone perfect and nice six months after his break up, he would have been able to move on and commit regardless?

 

You keep asking the same questions over and over, OP. What is it you want us to say that we haven't already said? We are not him; we cannot tell you exactly what he is thinking or exactly what would have happened between you two.

 

So, I'll repeat once more what most of us here have already said:

 

*He wasn't over his ex. That much is clear. He told you he wasn't ready. Listen to him, for heaven's sake.

 

*You are way too emotionally high-maintenance and insecure. Pressuring you for unprotected sex was wrong, I'm with you there. That was awful. However, the other "episodes" you describe are stories you created in your mind and then punished him for. No man is going to stick around long for that.

 

Both of these are the reasons why he doesn't want to keep dating you. Sorry, but you need to stop going around in circles. No, it's can't be undone.

 

You would be better-served addressing your own insecure and immature behavior. This will destroy future relationships, and my guess is that it has also made it difficult for you to maintain long-term relationships up to now as well. What you have written here reminds me very much of an ex of mine, who struggled with terrible anxiety, insecurity and jealousy. He needed near-constant reassurance and was always assuming I was talking to other guys or seeing someone behind his back. None of that was true. What I didn't know right away was that my ex also suffered from a diagnosed mental health issue. I am not a doctor, obviously, but I would encourage you to reflect on whether this deep fear of rejection and over-reaction to perceived rejection and abandonment is a theme in your life. I am going to wager that this is not an isolated issue with just this one guy?

[floralprints]

It’s not an isolated issue.. I need help I know I am finding it.

 

He still wants to hang out... why?

[boltnrun]

It’s not an isolated issue.. I need help I know I am finding it.

 

He still wants to hang out... why?

 

We do not know what he's thinking or why he does what he does!

 

Why do YOU want to continue to hang out with someone who just told you he doesn't want anything serious?

[Wiseman2]

It's easy to hang out, if you allow it. Why not focus on what you want?

He still wants to hang out...why?

[floralprints]

We do not know what he's thinking or why he does what he does!

 

Why do YOU want to continue to hang out with someone who just told you he doesn't want anything serious?

 

Because I like him.

Also the times he treated me well was wonderful, I want that. I want to be treated that way and I can’t find it in another guy..

[catfeeder]

If I was not insecure and high maintenance, would things have been different?

The main issue is that he is not over the ex?

Or if he met someone perfect and nice six months after his break up, he would have been able to move on and commit regardless?

 

We're not crystal ball readers. It's up to each of us to look out for ourselves, which means having some private rules about who we're willing to date. If we're willing to involve ourselves with someone who hasn't taken the time to stabilize as a single after a breakup, then we are positioning ourselves as someone's potential rebound.

 

Everyone who's rebounding from a breakup believes that they are ready to start dating again--that doesn't make it true. It could take weeks, months or even a year into a new relationship when it occurs to them that NOW they are healed and whole, but they really should have taken more time to be single. So the new partner gets the speech about what a terrific person they are, but now, "I need to be on my own to find myself."

 

It also makes no sense to start dating anyone without first establishing WHY you are dating. If you're relationship material, and you're dating to find the right partner for a commitment, put that on the table at first meet, and ask whether this person views themselves the same way. If the answer is, "I don't know," or "Let's just see where things go," it makes no sense to latch on in the hope of converting him into commitment material. Instead, you can say, "I really like you, and I can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I'm walking away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever find yourself interested in dating to pursue a committed relationship, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up, and we can date to learn whether we'd make good partners for one another. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

You can say the same thing to this guy today instead of hovering around in fear. This can preserve any future potential for the two of you to meet on higher ground someday, after the guy is over his ex and done effing around. If that never happens, then you'll have your pride in tact and will already be well on your way to finding the right partner for yourself.

 

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though you have the maturity or the composure to do this. You're spinning in a desperate hover 'around' this guy no matter what he says or does. That's not likely to end well, but it's also not the end of the world. Some of us can't learn through advice, we need to make our own mistakes in order to learn from them. Some of us don't even learn through experience.

 

Good luck, and head high.

[floralprints]

 

Instead, you can say, "I really like you, and I can picture the two of us dating in the future. That's why I'm walking away while we both think highly of one another. If you ever find yourself interested in dating to pursue a committed relationship, you can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up, and we can date to learn whether we'd make good partners for one another. Otherwise, I wish you the best."

 

You can say the same thing to this guy today instead of hovering around in fear. This can preserve any future potential for the two of you to meet on higher ground someday, after the guy is over his ex and done effing around. If that never happens, then you'll have your pride in tact and will already be well on your way to finding the right partner for yourself.

 

If I say the above, I should then cut contact and move on, instead of continuing to hang out with him, correct?

[figureitout23]

If I say the above, I should then cut contact and move on, instead of continuing to hang out with him, correct?

 

Correct...

 

Floral, what’s in your head right now?