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7 months later, I still love him


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I’m not sure why addiction and codependence is being painted as beautiful...

 

I won’t give my opinion of psychics except to say it sounds like she set you back, now you are under the impression that you aren’t together because of some obscure reason outside of either of your controls, reality just isn’t that dramatic or complex...

 

I moved from the north to the south of England with my boyfriend when he got a new job. I was reluctant to move far from my family, especially as my dad was terminally ill, but I wanted to build my relationship. We decided not to live together initially, and so I lived on my own and worked from home, while my boyfriend lived with 5 housemates and worked from an office. My dad passed away in March 2018. My boyfriend's life blossomed down here, whereas as mine was more stunted. I was grieving and hadn't made many friends, struggling to deal with anxiety. My boyfriend spent more and more time with his housemates who enjoyed drinking and partying, and who increasingly left me out of events (I'm a bit of an introvert and don't drink so that was a bit of a deal breaker!) I felt like they became his priority over me, and felt he was unable to support me emotionally through my difficulties; always on his phone while he was with me. We grew further and further apart until, in November 2018, decided to split. Now, back in my flat over Christmas, I feel extremely lonely. I miss his company and have such a strong urge to text him. Towards the end of the relationship, I felt extremely taken for granted and pushed aside, so being in his company was seldom rewarding. How can I break free from these ties and stop suffering? I have occasionally text him in the hopes of being friends (I do not want him back but we spoke of remaining friends), but I realise that a friendship isn't a good idea, and won't be able to be maintained.

 

 

 

All I can say is I’m sorry...instead of the painful bandaid rip you’re doing the slow unpeel. Nothing wrong with that, but the hope in the form of romanticizing a relationship that is over is to me putting a new bandaid over the one that was close to being peeled off...

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I’m not sure why addiction and codependence is being painted as beautiful...

 

I won’t give my opinion of psychics except to say it sounds like she set you back, now you are under the impression that you aren’t together because of some obscure reason outside of either of your controls, reality just isn’t that dramatic or complex...

 

 

 

 

 

All I can say is I’m sorry...instead of the painful bandaid rip you’re doing the slow unpeel. Nothing wrong with that, but the hope in the form of romanticizing a relationship that is over is to me putting a new bandaid over the one that was close to being peeled off...

 

Hi Figureitout,

 

Can you expand upon your point about addiction and codependence? I definitely don't think it's beautiful. It's painful and I wish my pattern mimicked my ex-partners, i.e. complete detachment. I'm realising it needs to, if I am ever to move on.

The Medium I saw did set me back in some ways, mainly because she painted him as a pained individual who is not willing to acknowledge or look at his pain, who is around people who are a bad influence, very jealous and unhappy people and he is easily influenced. The co-dependent in me earned to help him, take him out of this situation and show him that he is loved unconditionally. However, the reality is that no one can do this for him, no one can help someone who doesn't want to be helped, or love someone who can't receive that love. However, she also emphasised the fact we are in completely different places - mentally, emotionally, and are incompatible as a result, which is ultimately why we aren't together.

 

Your bandaid analogy is spot on. I am romanticising a relationship and a person that were not meant for me, and that were unhealthy for me. It's easy when you're on the other side of it, when you no longer have access to that thing to imagine it was so much better than it was. Truth it, a couple of months before we broke up, I was saying to my mum that I would need to get my stuff together and leave because I couldn't remain in this situation, it was having a hugely detrimental impact on my mental health. Possibly, what I am finding most difficult to get over or grieve is the romanticised version of what I hoped would happen in the relationship, rather than what actually happened. My hopes for the relationship rather than what transpired. It's a process that ebbs and flows. Some days I don't think of him until the evening and realise I've had a full, happy day without him being on my mind. Other days, he consumes my every waking (and some sleeping) thought and I feel like I will never overcome this. xx

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Jenn - im sorry that youre going through this. I can relate to so much of what youre saying. I havent posted here lately but I was pretty active when I went through my breakup, 16 months ago. I still come here daily and ready because sadly I am still not over it. I guess the fact that I dont read and write obsessively is a sign of healing but it sure doesn't feel like it. There was never this magic moment when I said "im finally done with this and can go and live my life!" I suppose that's the "time heals all wounds" aspect of it. Its just not what I hoped for.

 

I spent a lot of time in psychotherapy, prayed, read countless books on heartbreak, codependency, family of origin issues, presence, radical self acceptance, and anything I could get my hands on to relieve the pain. When it first happened, I cried every day for 4 months. Probably at last 3-5 times a day. For someone that hadn't really cried more than 5 times over the previous two decades, that was pretty significant. Yet here I am, only marginally better.

 

Where Ive landed (at the moment) mirrors what Katrina has said. I think that all of the actions I took, all of the analysis, thinking, and ruminating were just ways of avoiding the enormous amount of unfelt pain that I learned to repress over the years. For some reason I thought I could intellectualize my way around the pain. That just can't happen. It can make you feel quite insane, actually. If you've understood WHY you do the things you do and are attracted to certain archetypes yet you still feel deeply unsettled, what good does it do? I truly believe that you have to be brave enough to sit with the pain, free of thought, and allow it to bubble to the surface. You have to feel it. Every last painful bit of it. If you dont, you welcome all sorts of anxiety, depression, addiction, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I think that we sometimes confuse ourselves by assuming that we are such highly intelligent creatures and must therefore be able to circumvent painful experiences with knowledge. I now lean more towards the idea that we are only smart enough to find ways to avoid pain because it hurts. But really we are simple. Just feel the hurt with nothing else attached. When that is done, try to understand why we did what we did and do not repeat the same mistakes again.

 

For me, meditating 10-20 minutes a day has been enormously helpful. It's not magic but it's led me to my current opinion on lingering emotional pain. I recommend the Waking Up app as its a bit more intellectual about the purpose and correct way to meditate. Im also starting to look into Somatic Experience therapy. Ive always heard of it and dismissed it as "new age" but theory aligns with where I am. I dont have any review of it as Ive just recently looked into it. I'll certainly write back if I find any use in it.

 

To summarize, its going to suck for a while. The time to understand why this has hurt you so deeply can come after you feel better. I think that having insight is useful when youre in a better emotional state. If you can, set aside some small blocks of time to just feel what you feel, painful as it may be. Face it head on. Do not become addicted to the pain or the analysis of the pain. And keep posting. There is so much wisdom in this forum and just reading and writing is therapeutic. Hang in there. You'll begin to feel better!

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So In your response to me you use the word codependent so I don’t think you need much expounding on that, your addiction is him. Like I said on my earlier response this just doesn’t rise to the occasion of what you’re attempting ( with help) to make it.

 

Bolt touches on it exactly:

 

What's missing in your life currently that makes looking backwards nostalgically so appealing?

 

Usually we fixate on the past because our present is lacking and our future looks uncertain or even frightening.

 

You were that girl, the one who gave up everything for the guy she was dating, now that it’s over you essentially have to start all over again. Scary and daunting, staying stuck and ruminating over him which is out of your control is much much easier than taking the steps to start all over.

 

To kinda piggy back off of what blue said early in your post, I don’t think it’s dismissive to call a spade a spade...when asked what you miss/love about him this was your answer:

 

No, I haven't had any contact with him since January. He sent a text on the anniversary of my dad's death saying 'thinking of your family today' (very impersonal) to which I replied thank you, and that was it. Otherwise, been NC.

What do I love about him? That's a tricky one. I think it was more to do with the comfort and companionship we shared. I was comfortable with him, we had some laughs and I miss his cuddles. I know...not a solid basis for a relationship by any means!

 

You inability to let go sounds much more like an inability to start over. Your inability to let go sounds much more like your own adandomnet/ attachment issues. This has very very very little to do with his inability to face hardships other than as you said shows your incompatibility which maybe you two were you latched onto one another hard but again that says more about attachment than the importance of the relationship and the love shared...

 

I hope that explains more.

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Jenn - im sorry that youre going through this. I can relate to so much of what youre saying. I havent posted here lately but I was pretty active when I went through my breakup, 16 months ago. I still come here daily and ready because sadly I am still not over it. I guess the fact that I dont read and write obsessively is a sign of healing but it sure doesn't feel like it. There was never this magic moment when I said "im finally done with this and can go and live my life!" I suppose that's the "time heals all wounds" aspect of it. Its just not what I hoped for.

 

I spent a lot of time in psychotherapy, prayed, read countless books on heartbreak, codependency, family of origin issues, presence, radical self acceptance, and anything I could get my hands on to relieve the pain. When it first happened, I cried every day for 4 months. Probably at last 3-5 times a day. For someone that hadn't really cried more than 5 times over the previous two decades, that was pretty significant. Yet here I am, only marginally better.

 

Where Ive landed (at the moment) mirrors what Katrina has said. I think that all of the actions I took, all of the analysis, thinking, and ruminating were just ways of avoiding the enormous amount of unfelt pain that I learned to repress over the years. For some reason I thought I could intellectualize my way around the pain. That just can't happen. It can make you feel quite insane, actually. If you've understood WHY you do the things you do and are attracted to certain archetypes yet you still feel deeply unsettled, what good does it do? I truly believe that you have to be brave enough to sit with the pain, free of thought, and allow it to bubble to the surface. You have to feel it. Every last painful bit of it. If you dont, you welcome all sorts of anxiety, depression, addiction, and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I think that we sometimes confuse ourselves by assuming that we are such highly intelligent creatures and must therefore be able to circumvent painful experiences with knowledge. I now lean more towards the idea that we are only smart enough to find ways to avoid pain because it hurts. But really we are simple. Just feel the hurt with nothing else attached. When that is done, try to understand why we did what we did and do not repeat the same mistakes again.

 

For me, meditating 10-20 minutes a day has been enormously helpful. It's not magic but it's led me to my current opinion on lingering emotional pain. I recommend the Waking Up app as its a bit more intellectual about the purpose and correct way to meditate. Im also starting to look into Somatic Experience therapy. Ive always heard of it and dismissed it as "new age" but theory aligns with where I am. I dont have any review of it as Ive just recently looked into it. I'll certainly write back if I find any use in it.

 

To summarize, its going to suck for a while. The time to understand why this has hurt you so deeply can come after you feel better. I think that having insight is useful when youre in a better emotional state. If you can, set aside some small blocks of time to just feel what you feel, painful as it may be. Face it head on. Do not become addicted to the pain or the analysis of the pain. And keep posting. There is so much wisdom in this forum and just reading and writing is therapeutic. Hang in there. You'll begin to feel better!

 

 

Hi Teddy,

Thank you so much for your insights. I’m sorry you too are struggling and I think that elusive moment of ‘I’m over it and can move on now’ doesn’t really arrive instantaneously, it’s more of a gradual process that ebbs and flows. I was very active on this site at the beginning of my breakup, less so now, but my recent activity has indicated to me that I’m a sticking point at the moment, which is bound to happy from time to time.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been hit so hard by a breakup as this one. With my university boyfriend of 5 years, I was over within days. I had reached a point where I felt I was done with the relationship, it very naturally reached the end of the line. With my current one, it felt like there were a lot of questions left unanswered and much of the recovery has been me trying to bring closure to those areas. Inevitably, I have tried to intellectualise my way out of heartbreak and, like you, read every self help book going, to no avail. If anything, I am just burdened with more questions. Perhaps feeling rather than thinking, is the way to approach this.

I think it boils down to this: ‘Just feel the hurt with nothing else attached. When that is done, try to understand why we did what we did and do not repeat the same mistakes again.’ Perhaps I have repressed pain to such an extent that it rears its ugly head in all kind of formats, including relationships. I will try sitting with it for a period of 10-20 mins a day as you do, and see what comes up. Please do share your experience with somatic therapy, I’d love to know how you get on with it.

It’s good to have a plan, and good to feel I can erase my Amazon basket of all those potential purchases, each one added with a hopeful ‘maybe this one will hold the answers’. Instead, I’ll start incorporating some meditation into my day and make a point of feeling whatever I am presented with, instead of overthinking it or pushing it away. Thank you

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What's missing in your life currently that makes looking backwards nostalgically so appealing?

 

Usually we fixate on the past because our present is lacking and our future looks uncertain or even frightening.

 

I think it's mostly because I am recovering from surgery so have spent a few weeks being mostly immobile and on my own. I am hoping this will change this week as I get back into the world and see people, but it's been a time when I've spent a lot of time resting and on my own, with little interaction with anyone. The future is always going to look uncertain, but with my move back to Scotland in 2 months, I am excited xx

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You inability to let go sounds much more like an inability to start over. Your inability to let go sounds much more like your own adandomnet/ attachment issues. This has very very very little to do with his inability to face hardships other than as you said shows your incompatibility which maybe you two were you latched onto one another hard but again that says more about attachment than the importance of the relationship and the love shared...

 

I hope that explains more.

 

Thanks figureitout. I found the above particularly helpful. It is about me. He showed non-committal signs from the offset. It was my inability to see them, and my projection of what I hoped from the relationship that was the issue. My inability to walk away when he mistreated me, not the fact he mistreated me. I think I need to take the onus and focus away from him and back onto myself. Not to over analyse, but to appreciate why my relationship radar is off, and fully process the past pain that is causing this.

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Thanks figureitout. I found the above particularly helpful. It is about me. He showed non-committal signs from the offset. It was my inability to see them, and my projection of what I hoped from the relationship that was the issue. My inability to walk away when he mistreated me, not the fact he mistreated me. I think I need to take the onus and focus away from him and back onto myself. Not to over analyse, but to appreciate why my relationship radar is off, and fully process the past pain that is causing this.

 

Yeah, I’m not saying doing a recap and thinking deeply about what went wrong in a relationship isn’t helpful it deffinetely is, I’d say it’s probably one of the best things one can do for themselves to learn and move forward.

 

I don’t know that that’s the best thing for you to be doing right now. You’re moving back to Scotland and starting a new chapter in your life, that’s exciting!!! Maybe try to redirect your focus there a bit.

 

I have said on this board after my divorce it took a solid 2 months before I could even see straight, I was in a depressed haze and my focus was completely on my ex, once the haze passed, I was blessed to have family and friends who helped me move through all the phases of mourning the end of my marriage, and it took a solid year so O agree when people say 7 months isn’t long.

 

But there’s a giant detail being missed to me, it’s normal to take a while to recover completely, but an ex being your sole focus is not....

 

To me, there is a stark difference between

 

Hey guys I’m 7 months post break up, I’m moving forward, I’m spending time with friends, I’m working out and I picked up a new hobby, today I passed by a restaurant me and my ex went to all the time and it really hurt because it triggered memories.

 

And

 

I am stuck ruminating and focusing on my ex, Im still hopeful we will reconcile, I don’t have much going on in my life right now to redirect the energy so that’s where it’s being directed.

 

(Both are general examples, neither referencing you.)

 

Both situations express someone in recovery but one is recovering in a productive way and the other is floundering which gives a much higher chance that in another 7 months the flounderer is still stuck.

 

I hope I’m making sense, I’m doing a bit of soap box standing right now because while we all heal in our own ways and there is no right way to recover, there does need to be, to me, an acknowledgment when someone is treading water. There are quite a few individuals on this specific board who are treading water but aren’t told anything because it’s considerwd inconsiderate.

 

I want to be told I’m treading water, redirect my car so I can continue to drive down the road to recovery. Recovery takes time and is normal and healthy, an ex being your sole focus, somethings off and it’s healhty to acknowledge that too!

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Yeah, I’m not saying doing a recap and thinking deeply about what went wrong in a relationship isn’t helpful it deffinetely is, I’d say it’s probably one of the best things one can do for themselves to learn and move forward.

 

I don’t know that that’s the best thing for you to be doing right now. You’re moving back to Scotland and starting a new chapter in your life, that’s exciting!!! Maybe try to redirect your focus there a bit.

 

I have said on this board after my divorce it took a solid 2 months before I could even see straight, I was in a depressed haze and my focus was completely on my ex, once the haze passed, I was blessed to have family and friends who helped me move through all the phases of mourning the end of my marriage, and it took a solid year so O agree when people say 7 months isn’t long.

 

But there’s a giant detail being missed to me, it’s normal to take a while to recover completely, but an ex being your sole focus is not....

 

To me, there is a stark difference between

 

Hey guys I’m 7 months post break up, I’m moving forward, I’m spending time with friends, I’m working out and I picked up a new hobby, today I passed by a restaurant me and my ex went to all the time and it really hurt because it triggered memories.

 

And

 

I am stuck ruminating and focusing on my ex, Im still hopeful we will reconcile, I don’t have much going on in my life right now to redirect the energy so that’s where it’s being directed.

 

(Both are general examples, neither referencing you.)

 

Both situations express someone in recovery but one is recovering in a productive way and the other is floundering which gives a much higher chance that in another 7 months the flounderer is still stuck.

 

I hope I’m making sense, I’m doing a bit of soap box standing right now because while we all heal in our own ways and there is no right way to recover, there does need to be, to me, an acknowledgment when someone is treading water. There are quite a few individuals on this specific board who are treading water but aren’t told anything because it’s considerwd inconsiderate.

 

I want to be told I’m treading water, redirect my car so I can continue to drive down the road to recovery. Recovery takes time and is normal and healthy, an ex being your sole focus, somethings off and it’s healhty to acknowledge that too!

 

I agree completely. As mentioned previously, I am recovering from knee surgery (a long-awaited procedure I've been putting off for some time, and the best surgeons are in London, hence thought I'd tackle it before I head back up North) and, as a result, have been immobile and less able to socialise and see friends - the people who have been my crutch during this whole process. I also work from home so the last 3 weeks have been spent 98% on my own, with the occasional checkup. I believe strongly that my current situation is keeping me in rumination territory, as I am alone with my thoughts as opposed to being out in the world and spending time with friends who keep me busy, which I will hopefully be able to do more of towards the end of this week. I'm hoping I will be able to redirect my attention to things that I enjoy: fitness, improving my diet, seeing friends, joining classes, but these things have been all but impossible these last few weeks so I've been stuck in rumination. Hopefully not for much longer though!

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I agree completely. As mentioned previously, I am recovering from knee surgery (a long-awaited procedure I've been putting off for some time, and the best surgeons are in London, hence thought I'd tackle it before I head back up North) and, as a result, have been immobile and less able to socialise and see friends - the people who have been my crutch during this whole process. I also work from home so the last 3 weeks have been spent 98% on my own, with the occasional checkup. I believe strongly that my current situation is keeping me in rumination territory, as I am alone with my thoughts as opposed to being out in the world and spending time with friends who keep me busy, which I will hopefully be able to do more of towards the end of this week. I'm hoping I will be able to redirect my attention to things that I enjoy: fitness, improving my diet, seeing friends, joining classes, but these things have been all but impossible these last few weeks so I've been stuck in rumination. Hopefully not for much longer though!

 

Awesome! I wish you luck on your journey.

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