My husband's best friend not the best quality?

[Cherylyn]

Batya33, I wasn't giving labels. I was just giving examples of how I thought of people in categories when I was younger. In my previous ignorant mind, I thought that educated people were extra special due to their achievements and thumbed my nose at those who hailed from a humble lot.

 

I never said ALL educated or uneducated people were the same. I said my distinction was skewed. I eventually discovered that just because a person has an education, it doesn't automatically give them high quality character and it's the same for a blue collar worker as well. It's just that I had previously placed educated people on a pedestal when I shouldn't have and I looked upon blue collar workers with disdain and as lazy.

 

Then the true test came in my life when I thought I could entrust certain educated people in my sphere. To the contrary, it was blue collar workers who actually came to my rescue instead. Go figure. I'm not saying all people are in certain camps. I'm saying that my previous preconceived notions of people based upon their backgrounds were warped and unfair.

 

My wake up call came when I needed certain people in my life and they certainly showed their true colors then.

[Batya33]

Batya33, I wasn't giving labels. I was just giving examples of how I thought of people in categories when I was younger. In my previous ignorant mind, I thought that educated people were extra special due to their achievements and thumbed my nose at those who hailed from a humble lot.

 

I never said ALL educated or uneducated people were the same. I said my distinction was skewed. I eventually discovered that just because a person has an education, it doesn't automatically give them high quality character and it's the same for a blue collar worker as well. It's just that I had previously placed educated people on a pedestal when I shouldn't have and I looked upon blue collar workers with disdain and as lazy.

 

Then the true test came in my life when I thought I could entrust certain educated people in my sphere. To the contrary, it was blue collar workers who actually came to my rescue instead. Go figure. I'm not saying all people are in certain camps. I'm saying that my previous preconceived notions of people based upon their backgrounds were warped and unfair.

 

My wake up call came when I needed certain people in my life and they certainly showed their true colors then.

 

Yes, I now understand it was your own specific labeling. But when you explained it it seemed skewed as far as only educated people showing arrogance and as you now clarified you didn't mean only educated. But your previous post gave that impression to me.I'm so glad you developed that insight! I also used to put the "double harvard" guys on a pedestal. I was wrong as you were in the past. I get exactly what you are saying and sharing.

[Savannian27]

I appreciate all the responses.

[Savannian27]

Sounds like John is forever indebted to Bobby for defending him against bullies ever since their school days. There is nothing wrong with that as long as John doesn't feel obliged at the sacrifice of his marriage.

 

If John spends too much time with Bobby, I can see how disgruntled you must feel because I went through something similar.

 

A single friend of my husband's would call him up telling him about extra tickets to an ice hockey game, asked to meet him for meals frequently, called, texted, blew up his phone, etc. I'm not saying married spouses can't have friends but there needs to be boundaries somewhere if a person has a friend-hog. Balance is key. Also, if there are spouses, spouses should be enough for them generally. Friendships shouldn't infringe upon marriage time and energy.

 

It's really your husband's choice regarding whether or not he wishes to retain his friendship with Bobby or not. He's a big boy and needs to make his own decisions based upon how much time, desire, interest and energy he has for his long time friend.

 

As long as their get togethers are reasonable and not a financial hardship on your married finances, I don't see what the problem is. Are you jealous because they're friends and you feel pushed aside or left out? I was once you because my husband's time with his friend was over the top too much. I influenced my husband to at least scale back not to mention it became expensive socially. A baby was on the way, I needed my husband's focus, time, energy and we couldn't afford it as opposed to the single guy's disposable income.

 

Bobby's background is irrelevant. Perhaps John has compassion for his financial plight and disadvantaged circumstances. Also, not everyone reciprocates due to finances or they simply don't possess any social graces and conscientiousness to do so. Many friendships don't keep score and it's unconditional.

 

I know where you're coming from though. My younger brother's so-called friend takes advantage of his generosity and kindness. This friend and his wife milk it for all its worth by constantly asking my brother to help them move, help their clients move, always calls my brother to do heavy, all day physical labor such as major landscaping and grunt work; all for a slice of pizza. As a big sister, I felt infuriated. I told my brother to learn how to say, "NO" because people use others when they always say "YES." My brother has his limits and eventually the friend's requests ceased. However, this friendship was only based upon using my brother which is sick. Fortunately, my brother is very busy with his job and the gravy train eventually stopped.

 

I think as long as your husband's time with his friend is reasonable, he should keep his friend, Bobby since they go way back such as their school days. I'm married and my best friend from 4th grade was my maid-of-honor. Fortunately, we reside locally. Our sons are the same age. To this day we get together for all day outings at least once a month. I wouldn't want my husband to forbid me from retaining my dear childhood friendship.

 

(As an aside, there are two husbands in my family tree who are extremely jealous of their wive's friendships. They manipulate and control those friendships to the point of going all the way. These husbands physically harass female friends or say something extremely disrespectful, inappropriate and rude in order to push female friends out of the picture. They've since succeeded but the problem is, this causes extreme alienation, estrangement, family members taking sides and major rifts.)

 

As long as Bobby doesn't take advantage monetarily and occupy too much of your husband's time, energy and brain space, it should be ok to have him as your husband's friend.

 

The part that bothers me is your husband comparing you to his ex. You need to have a long, in depth (non-distracted) conversation about this because his comment was uncalled for. Either receive a sincere apology for that awful comment or ensure that he won't talk down to you like that in the future. I wouldn't forget about a comment like that either. Don't stew in silence over that.

 

 

Jealousy is not my style, so I don't engage in it. I feel for your younger brother and I know exactly what that can feel like - that was my brother too actually, but they've lost touch. I don't think John should sever the relationship, it's more like keep him, but give room to make more newer friends.

 

My husband was not the one to compare me to his ex - Bobby did. My talk with John was already pretty clear on that, and he didn't like it either when Bobby did it. That's why when I say "we" that means John and myself - we don't bring her up, she's not mentioned in any conversations between us, but Bobby does. I agree with you on the idea of not stewing in silence over that, next time it happens he'll hear about it.

 

Thank you for your input, I really enjoyed reading your posts ;-)

[abitbroken]

Jealousy is not my style, so I don't engage in it. I feel for your younger brother and I know exactly what that can feel like - that was my brother too actually, but they've lost touch. I don't think John should sever the relationship, it's more like keep him, but give room to make more newer friends.

 

My husband was not the one to compare me to his ex - Bobby did. My talk with John was already pretty clear on that, and he didn't like it either when Bobby did it. That's why when I say "we" that means John and myself - we don't bring her up, she's not mentioned in any conversations between us, but Bobby does. I agree with you on the idea of not stewing in silence over that, next time it happens he'll hear about it.

 

Thank you for your input, I really enjoyed reading your posts ;-)

 

If John has your back, I think that if Bobby says something about the ex, unless you are in a big group of other friends or family, just let it roll off your back where it would have truly been embarrassing. Say to yourself "that's just Bobby". If John was agreeing with him or trashing either you or the ex, then i would worry about it. I think that you need to allow your husband to make other friends when he wants to.

[Cherylyn]

Batya33, Thank you. When I was younger, I thought that education created class and refinement in a person. That was my ignorance. Throughout my lifetime, I've found out the hard way that it doesn't matter whether a person had a formal education or not when it comes to character.

 

At the end of the day, nothing else matters in this life except conscientious character. It makes or breaks all friendships and relationships.

[Cherylyn]

Savannian27, Thank you for your kind words. I appreciated it.

 

Thank you regarding my brother. He's learning to decline and not allow others to take advantage of his naivete courtesy of my mother and me advising or "coaching" him.

 

I'm glad you had a talk with John regarding Bobby's ex comparison comment which was uncalled for btw.

 

And, I understand where you're coming from. My husband has a few friends but they're all very busy as are we. They're working, in relationships or married, have kids, busy households to maintain and the like just like most people. Therefore, no one monopolizes my husband's time so I never feel as if I have to "share" him with anyone which makes me happy as his wife.

 

As long as your husband's friend exercises discretion and your husband enforces healthy boundaries with him, hopefully it will be ok to continue his friendship with him.

[Batya33]

Batya33, Thank you. When I was younger, I thought that education created class and refinement in a person. That was my ignorance. Throughout my lifetime, I've found out the hard way that it doesn't matter whether a person had a formal education or not when it comes to character.

 

At the end of the day, nothing else matters in this life except conscientious character. It makes or breaks all friendships and relationships.

 

Yes. Higher education mattered a great deal to me in choosing a mate -someone who valued higher education at least as much as I did plus had accomplished at least a college degree. Where I did all of my dating it was actually harder to meet people who hadn't at least achieved a college degree so it wasn't an issue.

 

But level of education doesn't affect how I choose my friends, acquaintances etc. Separately, character and integrity and ethics are essential to me as well. I realize there's not always an overlap.

[Cherylyn]

Bata33, Higher education matters to me, too. The 4 of us including my 2 sons all have higher education and because of it, we enjoy our comfortable lifestyle. Our social circles are the same as well.

 

I too separate character and it matters in all relationships and friendships.

[Batya33]

Bata33, Higher education matters to me, too. The 4 of us including my 2 sons all have higher education and because of it, we enjoy our comfortable lifestyle. Our social circles are the same as well.

 

I too separate character and it matters in all relationships and friendships.

 

Yes! I know of people with higher education who choose very low paying jobs/professions so unfortunately that doesn't always correlate either. I feel the same as you do about character!