What should I do after seemingly being dumped(?)

[katrina1980]

@saluk, spot on.

 

>>Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us...

 

OP, going forward, never "assume" anything when it comes to dating or anything else for that matter. Pay attention to his actions, and stop projecting your feelings on to him.

 

It was very clear, to me at least, from your very first post, guy was a total flake, and not interested in a relationship with you. Doesn't mean a hill of beans that you share a common bond, such as being caretakers, what matters is his actions towards you, and when a man rarely texts, disappears for days or weeks, texts you late at night requesting you "stop by" (translation: let's have sex!), pay attention to that and respond accordingly.

 

Which for most women with even a modicum of self-esteem (including myself) would mean walking away and looking for a man who was interested in what I was interested in --> consistently spending time together on actual in-person dates, and developing a RL.

[PuffyParakee]

"Mainly because I connected with him on a deeper level, we shared a common bond because we're both caretakers, so I just assumed there was something a bit more between us especially being that we've been talking for 6 months.

I'm not tempted to txt him but sometimes, I am. It's been a month. The longest I ever went without speaking to eachother was a month.

Do I just leave this alone?"

 

The guy was definitely a flake who was only after sex. Let him go and move on. You are not going to find what you are looking for though by texting for months and months and seeing each other once or twice. It just wont work. Nobody who is stable with themselves is going to be able to tell you if they see you as a friend or something more after 6 months of texting and 3 dates. Dating, especially early on, is a million little tiny steps forward. Online contact, while nice, can give the impression that you have made those steps when you have not. It's odd how easy it is to carry on silly jokes and things over text with a lot of space in between and feel like you are developing a connection, when most of the time all it can do is maintain whatever level of connection you already had. Both parties can act as if they are further on the timeline than they actually are. Eventually reality will come up and someone will realize there is no foundation.

 

I think you BOTH realized this. When he realized there was no foundation, he switched modes and was like, well maybe we can just have sex. When you realized it, you panic-ed and were like "wait, what is our relationship status?" Both responses are understandable, if slightly unflattering

 

Finding out goals and compatibility level is really important, You should be doing this, in person, at the same time as you are judging attraction level. If you focus too much on one aspect (in your case it seems like you were mostly focused on the initial attraction plus having someone to talk to every once in a while), the other parts will get out of balance. In a relationship that's developing, by the time you ask "are we friends or something more?" it shouldn't really be a question that begs an answer. You will both already know, it is just nice to acknowledge.

Thanx for your response. I personally despise texting, don't really like talking on the phone either, however I love face to face contact with people in general.

It just seems our means of communication was mainly via texting because he has mentioned many times he's always on the road, so texting is easier.

Once, I made the effort to call him, no awkward pauses but he sounded distracted & he ended the call abruptly stating that he was working & would TEXT me back. I hung up kind of frustrated because at that point, it seems like the man was busier than a the president of the United States.

When he did finally text back hours later apologizing, I've had it..that's when I felt backed into the corner to text him the now infamous heinous question!

Because I cant communicate with you via phone because you're always busy, you're out of town, so God knows when I'll see you. I do agree that I should not have asked that question via text.

And I also agree that texting may feel one way to one person, but a completely different way to someone else. I now understand that.

[katrina1980]

OP, ^^ just more flakiness, geez!

 

Please learn when a man is interested in you, and developing a RL with you, there is no such thing as "too busy."

 

>>Because I cant communicate with you via phone because you're always busy, you're out of town, so God knows when I'll see you.

 

Oh goody lordy, did you actually text him this?

 

If so, now I see what others were talking about! Please learn how to (1) manage expectations, and (2) manage your anxiety!

 

I still don't believe the outcome would have changed, but it's generally not smart to confront a man like that, especially in these precarious early stages; if that was truly how you felt, just say goodbye and walk away.

[saluk]

Thanx for your response. I personally despise texting, don't really like talking on the phone either, however I love face to face contact with people in general.

It just seems our means of communication was mainly via texting because he has mentioned many times he's always on the road, so texting is easier.

Once, I made the effort to call him, no awkward pauses but he sounded distracted & he ended the call abruptly stating that he was working & would TEXT me back. I hung up kind of frustrated because at that point, it seems like the man was busier than a the president of the United States.

When he did finally text back hours later apologizing, I've had it..that's when I felt backed into the corner to text him the now infamous heinous question!

Because I cant communicate with you via phone because you're always busy, you're out of town, so God knows when I'll see you. I do agree that I should not have asked that question via text.

And I also agree that texting may feel one way to one person, but a completely different way to someone else. I now understand that.

 

Right! Like, it's not that your question was bad. It's that you were at the end of your rope because deep down you knew things where not in sync. If someone is not available the way you need them to be, no need to continue. But the elongated time period makes it harder on you because you increased your expectations.

 

For next time, maybe try to come up with a plan to follow. Everyone has a different style. For instance, you will see someone once a week with minimal contact during the week. You will give it 4 weeks and then if you still like each other, and they have passed your other bars see if they would agree to be exclusive. Before then, you can date others so that you don't get too attached to someone just because they are there. And somewhere in there ascertain important dealbreakers like if they are hoping for a serious relationship or just casually dating etc. If someone can't go along with your plan - so busy you can only see them once a month for instance - then the timing isn't going to be right and you don't date them. If you find out they are not really looking for a serious relationship, you don't date them. If they aren't ready to be exclusive when you are, don't date them. etc.

 

All of that was just an example - everyone has their own dating style and what they are looking for. And yeah - if you are a little too busy for your own *ideal* dating style, maybe that's a good time to take a break from dating.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not sure what you were hoping for in this connection with a guy six years your junior. He gave up on you a long time ago when you were going through your bouts of depression and familial issues (post #1) and didn't respond to him appropriately. I also hope you've got your depression somewhat under control and are seeing someone for this or are being treated (I'm more concerned about this than what happens with this guy). Please take care of yourself.

 

In the end I think he saw you more as a hook up only. I'm sorry to say that. It doesn't get more basic or fwb than that and you blew your chances at the start. If you connected on a deeper level, that ship sailed. I don't think it's a good idea to meet someone in person months down the line after initially 'meeting' online. That meet up should have happened that same week or neither of you should have initiated any conversations if you weren't local/within meeting distance at the time. This is of course still only my opinion of online dating. Try to be realistic about meeting anyone and don't postpone meeting anyone for too long. If you're not serious about dating anyone, just don't date, period.

 

Please let this person go and take care of your depression.

[katrina1980]

Sry. Long read. I say this because my situation is a bit complexed.

I'm 34, man is about 6 yrs younger.

I matched with a great man on Tinder 6 months ago, we met a few months later after matching. Our first physical introduction was great, he told me how pleasantly surprised he was after seeing me, however, I must admit..I had so much things going on in my life that I just could not lend myself to be completly available to date him at the time.

 

Which, being a man who was not looking for a relationship, made you appear all that more intriguing to him at the time.

 

He always maintained his interest in me even initiating many texts to me even if they were sporadic.

So, we finally officially went out on a date a few months later, then a second on back in April.

 

This right here^ reinforces the fact he was not looking for a RL. Had he been interested in you and seeking a relationship with you (1) his texting would not have been sporadic (days or weeks went by according to a later post) and (2) your dates would not have been months apart.

 

Anyway, nuff said from me, again hopefully lesson learned for next time.

[Rose Mosse]

I just read your post #20. Thanks for the update. Keep your chin up. You will be fine! Take care of yourself.

[PuffyParakee]

I'm not sure what you were hoping for in this connection with a guy six years your junior. He gave up on you a long time ago when you were going through your bouts of depression and familial issues (post #1) and didn't respond to him appropriately. I also hope you've got your depression somewhat under control and are seeing someone for this or are being treated (I'm more concerned about this than what happens with this guy). Please take care of yourself.

 

In the end I think he saw you more as a hook up only. I'm sorry to say that. It doesn't get more basic or fwb than that and you blew your chances at the start. If you connected on a deeper level, that ship sailed. I don't think it's a good idea to meet someone in person months down the line after initially 'meeting' online. That meet up should have happened that same week or neither of you should have initiated any conversations if you weren't local/within meeting distance at the time. This is of course still only my opinion of online dating. Try to be realistic about meeting anyone and don't postpone meeting anyone for too long. If you're not serious about dating anyone, just don't date, period.

 

Please let this person go and take care of your depression.

I really appreciate that & I do plan on seeing a therapist in the near future.

I will let him go. Thanx for the great advice. I'm not going to jeopardize my mental health for man who's obviously not even thinking about me.

Good riddance to him, & all though I'm still a bit heartbroken ,I'm relieved he began showing his true colors now instead of later.

I see it as him doing me a favour in that regard. Again, thanx for your concern.

[katrina1980]

puffy, jmo but you didn't blow anything. It takes two and your interaction, no matter how sporadic and elusive it was, served a purpose for both of you at the time.

 

But it was not sustainable because I don't believe either of you were available or even desirous of having a real relationship.

 

I know he wasn't for obvious reasons, but I don't believe you were either otherwise the situation would not have been acceptable to you for as long as it was.

 

Him disappearing for weeks (months?) at a time, your dates being months apart. Straight from the beginning, this was the dynamic.

 

I am sorry, but no woman seeking a relationship would have stuck around for that.

 

Again, jmo and things to consider moving forward.

[Annia]

Kat no one is saying you shouldn’t ask what someone’s dating goals are

 

Look at her words

 

She didn’t ask his dating goals she asked what she was to him.

 

Two completely different things

 

You keep using these sweeping generalizations and the phrase ‘brave’ there is nothing brave about allowing your anxiety to manifest itself into texting such a question after two dates, again she did not ask his dating goals (what are you looking for) she asked what she was to him.

 

Two. Different. Questions

 

What are your dating goals?

 

Do you want to date me?

 

Different. One is general then other is personalized.

 

Also those types of question should never be asked by text. I think he was a flake from the get go and wasn't interested in a relationship so your question didn't change anything anyway.

[PuffyParakee]

Also those types of question should never be asked by text. I think he was a flake from the get go and wasn't interested in a relationship so your question didn't change anything anyway.

Yeah. I agree that should have never been asked by text.

It's amazing the different type of advice I get from different people.

I asked my friends what should do & should I text him?

They told me to take my chance because what do I have to lose.

They also said that this guy may turn out to be "the one".

Lol. I'm leaning towards NOT texting him because you never have to remind a man that you exist, however, texting is one huge recipe for miscommunication, & he's probably wondering if he should text me also. Probably, I mean I'm not gonna delude myself, he's probably not even thinking about me.

Either way, I'm not gonna text him, because like you mentioned..his past behaviours has been flaky.

He'll more than likely respond if I was to txt him, but then he'll turn cold again & more than likely not make any sold arrangements to see me.

Definitely a NO.

[bluecastle]

I'd agree with your friends, actually, but only in theory. Meaning: if you had a more realistic understanding of all this stuff going in, during, and perhaps at present. If you saw him, right now, for all he's ever been: a dude from an app who you've met twice and are kinda curious about, rather than someone you've been emotionally invested in for 6 months—and, in your mind, dating the whole time.

 

No judgement about all that; we're living in strange times. But I think that's the biggest lesson here, to make these strange times less strange by understanding them: that the differences between "dating," "meeting someone twice from a dating app," and "texting someone from a dating app" are not subtle or shades of the same thing. If the first is Earth, the second is Mars, the third Pluto (recently declassified as even being a planet).

 

For everything that has been said about this guy—his flakiness, his loin-centric intentions and aspirations—I actually think he's had a pretty realistic view about how all this works. Like you, he's a bit lonesome and too-thirsty in his own way—his pokes and orbiting being an extension of that—but even if he was someone telling his friends over drinks that he was "ready for a relationship and swiping with only relationships in mind" it would have been asking a lot to hope he'd be able to firmly and soothingly define something that had yet to exist.

[Wiseman2]

He's not interested. You're already on tinder so just keep messaging and meeting men. Learn to communicate better and not play games or be coy with rhetorical questions etc.. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Use actions and demeanor to express who you are, talk is cheap.

I got no response.

then...you guessed nothing.

That was about a month ago.

I never got a response

[PuffyParakee]

He's not interested. You're already on tinder so just keep messaging and meeting men. Learn to communicate better and not play games or be coy with rhetorical questions etc.. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Use actions and demeanor to express who you are, talk is cheap.

Thanks so much for the advice. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

As dissapointing as I am that it did not work out, I still think he was a great sweet guy.

I just think there was alot of miscommunication.

Plus, he's in N.Y. city temporarily; A melting pot of beautiful women & he's younger than me.

So, I can't blame him for weighing out his options & just wanting to have fun.

I now know that if a guy just likes to text, I'm going to be more adamant on communicating in person or over the phone, be less passive,and to preferably date someone who's my age.

[figureitout23]

Actually, a 4 HOUR LONG introduction, 2 dates afterwards, further planning on his end for a third date.

He seemed enthusiastic prior to moving to NY city, which is why I eventually asked that question.

I was asking him if he wanted just sex or further dating. I know now the way I worded it got lost in translation & was misinterpreted.

 

Anyway, I do not want to derail OPs thread. That's insensitive considering what she's going through, but why are so snappy & rude & towards me.

I already feel sh-tty about the situation.

I'm a respectful & nice person both online & IRL.

"Gurl Bye." & "Don't twist the story."

Who do you think you are? My virtual mom? You don't tell me what I can't or not do in such a dismissive manner.

I'm not articulate with putting my words on paper but were you there with me throughout the experience for you to say "I'm twisting the story."?

 

I will respond to you on your own thread. I apologize if I came off dismissive or rude, but you are indeed twisting the story you originally told, I don't think you're doing so to be deceitful, I think youre doing so because you're still convincing yourself this was more than it was.

 

I think it was a combination of things. In my thread, I knew a guy for about 6 mths and asked that "Are we friends or something a little bit more?" Question and was told that it was way too soon to ask that question,

 

^^this is sugar coating what happened^^ By saying you 'knew' him for 6 months it comes off like you two were connecting and dating all that time, but you weren't, you were intermittent text buddies, it doesn't matter if your first date was 12 hours, it still counts as a first date/meet.

 

I'm glad you reached this point:

 

Thanks so much for the advice. I've learned my lesson the hard way.

As dissapointing as I am that it did not work out, I still think he was a great sweet guy.

I just think there was alot of miscommunication.

Plus, he's in N.Y. city temporarily; A melting pot of beautiful women & he's younger than me.

So, I can't blame him for weighing out his options & just wanting to have fun.

I now know that if a guy just likes to text, I'm going to be more adamant on communicating in person or over the phone, be less passive,and to preferably date someone who's my age.

 

Its not about being adamant to talk on the phone but being adamant to actually date, texting and phone calls are not relationship makers, enhancers sure but you need to be in person to ensure its real.

 

Age has very little to do with it in my opinion, you have some baggage to sift through, I wouldnt even call your dating style passive, it was more fear based.

 

Im not judging you, Ive been where you are, many have, the hardest thing for me to do was to take ownership for what i was doing to stand in my own way.