Ghosted after 3 years?

[Emma1111]

Has this ever happened to anyone?

[Emma1111]

so basically he suffers with depression and has a very stressful job. He’s always seem insecure by saying things like people are looking a me and he feels like he’s losing his looks etc.

He goes through phases of being depressed and initially seems to get closer so me then just goes completely cold.

Last week he was telling me that he wasn’t feeling good about work and that he worries that he isn’t enough for me and that my life is fine without him, but then said that’s not what he’s saying he’s doing he was just making a point. He then started saying that as his dad walked out on him as a child makes him really scared to get close to people. I wondered if my probing had made him feel vulnerable.

Any way there next day we spent together which I thought was a nice day. Since he left my house I haven’t heard from him. I’ve tried to contact him a couple of times but he hasn’t responded.

I’m interested to hear what other people think?

[SherrySher]

You've been dating for 3 years?

 

How old are you both?

 

Is it usual to go without talking for a few days?

[Emma1111]

I’m 33 and he’s 37 (immature id say) still goes out drinking with this mates.

Yeah he has these episodes that can last anything from a couple of days and the longest was 3 weeks.

I’m an anxious person anyway but being in this situation makes it so much worse

[SherrySher]

Did you try messaging him? Has he ever talked about suicide?

[SherrySher]

Oh, sorry, re-read...you have tried contacting him. Did you try going over to his house? Maybe try contacting his work to see if he's made it to work?

 

It wouldn't be unusual to do that if you've been his girlfriend for 3 years and you can't get a hold of him and you've not broken up.

[bluecastle]

Yeah he has these episodes that can last anything from a couple of days and the longest was 3 weeks.

 

So this is just something he does? If so, I wouldn't call it being "ghosted after three years," but being in a three year relationship with someone who occasionally implodes and checks completely out without warning.

 

He sounds pretty troubled and, as you said, immature. Are you sure you want to stay with him even if/when he un-ghosts?

[figureitout23]

A bigger question to me is why are you dating someone who clearly is in no position to be dating.

 

It’s a relationship, you aren’t his savior... doesnt all this get old?

 

He will be back. But no none of it is normal, he should be seeking help for his depression not dating you and making you deal with his crap, although quiet as kept you seem well aware of them and stay...

[SGH]

Don't you want to a fulfilling relationship with someone who sticks around consistently?

 

Depression or not, it is not okay for him to disappear at random. It makes me question if the two of you are even exclusive. Sometimes (sadly) people use mental illness as an excuse for poor behavior. I would let him stay gone and find someone who treated me like they actually cared, if I was you.

[Emma1111]

@sherrysher yes he has spoken about having suicidal thoughts in the past which is why when he used to do this I used to really worry.

Now as time as gone on and he keeps doing it I don’t know what to do.

I know if I were talking to my friend I’d say look after you and don’t let someone bring you down but it’s hard when you care for someone so much.

Thank you for all your responses!!

[ThatwasThen]

Why don't you just go to his home and see if he's okay and if he is, kiss his arse goodbye for good. What an unhealthy way to spend three years where you never know when he's going to go off like a wounded elephant to the burying ground.

 

Seriously though, you've been dating for three years so you must know where he lives. Why don't you go and knock on his door and see if he's okay... if he is, well you have a decision to make if whether or not you want to make it four years with someone who is suffering mentally and isn't getting professional help (or on the right meds) to get him out of it.

 

Love yourself enough to step off this merry go round with him and don't let him make you feel bad for doing what is right for you and your own emotional/mental health.

[Emma1111]

I know he’s alive and going to work so he must be ok. I think I just need to find the strength from somewhere.

Thank you x

[SherrySher]

The inner strength should be you not allowing someone to treat you this way anymore.

 

He might be suffering from depression but that does not give him the right to use it as an excuse to ignore you, or not have the courtesy to reply to you.

 

If he's not feeling well, he doesn't need to have a long talk or even see you that day, but he could be decent enough to reply to you.

 

It comes down to being respectful to you.

[Hollyj]

I do not understand why you would date someone like this. You should have done the first time he disappeared.

[figureitout23]

@sherrysher yes he has spoken about having suicidal thoughts in the past which is why when he used to do this I used to really worry.

Now as time as gone on and he keeps doing it I don’t know what to do.

I know if I were talking to my friend I’d say look after you and don’t let someone bring you down but it’s hard when you care for someone so much.

Thank you for all your responses!!

 

Is it though? Like lets really think about this....

 

Imagine you are in a boat, you cant swim, and hes in the ocean drowning, he cant swim, theres a life preserver right next to him in arms reach, but yo choose to jump out of the boat to save him, sacrificing you both...

 

Thats the equivalent to what you've been doing for the last 3 years. You cant save him, but you can save yourself, but thats going to require you taking some ownership to your own potential codependence.

[Emma1111]

You’re right... never thought of it like that. It’s a good thought to have when I have a wobble and try and reach out to him 💪. I often think it takes two minutes to say I can’t be around anyone right now but he doesn’t even bother to do that!

[Cherylyn]

If he ghosted you, it's his choice. When people behave this way towards me, I let them be. I certainly cannot force them to renew contact with me. They'll either come around eventually or don't want you in their life anymore. Either way, respect the ghoster's wishes. Back off, give him all the time and space he desires. In the meantime, focus on your own life. If he never wishes to resume contact with you ever again, there is your answer. He doesn't want contact. Give him what he wants while you concentrate on moving forward with your life.

[Wiseman2]

Were you dating or just friends? It sounds like at best there was some sort of on/off relationship, but that he's been quite clear that he is not ready willing or able to have a relationship. It's not ghosting since he's been telling you he doesn't want a relationship for a while now. Give him space. Do not chase or try to fix or change him.

Last week he was telling me that he wasn’t feeling good about work and that he worries that he isn’t enough for me and that my life is fine without him, but then said that’s not what he’s saying he’s doing he was just making a point. Since he left my house I haven’t heard from him. I’ve tried to contact him a couple of times but he hasn’t responded.