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Jealousy and immense self hatred over not being the "class clown"


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Hey!

 

I'm 23 and I was always a quiet kid. Ever since kindergarten (according to my mother) I used to sit alone and only get along with 1-2 people, wouldn't really participate in group games, etc. My grandparents taught me to read and write before 1st grade so I was focused on books while most other kids were focused on playing and having fun. My parents also have always had a very cynical view on most people installed from very early on (as in "don't trust people, people don't care about you, people are not your friends", etc.). My parents forced me to study and would lock me in my room for 3 hours per day. I eventually developed my own interests but since my parents were so focused on school and grades, they never really cared about my social life or other things I was into. My mother used to hit me with a shoe every time I had a bad grade, and she recently admitted she would sometimes hit me when I was a toddler just because.

 

Years went by until high school, where I was heavily bullied for my appearance (weak jaw + stick out ears) by strangers and a few groups of other students. I got suicidal and went into a therapist who did more harm than good by diagnosing me with paranoia and getting surprised when my parents witnessed the bullying and confirmed it. This therapist also diagnosed my mother as being bipolar and my father as having anger issues. They both refused help. The thing that got me through was finding a group of friends I keep to this day, and having people from the opposite sex (girls) showing signs of clear attraction, although I never followed up on them sexually because I was way too insecure.

 

Got into university, but I was still too insecure from high school that I closed myself off from everyone, and 6 months after dropped out. Got into another university, same thing happened. Then I got into college on my hometown and decided to make an effort to actually find a group of people. Didn't turn out so well. I started hanging out around a group of classmates, but then out of a sudden this guy broke out of his shell with a very obnoxious, constant, humor. He has actually admitted to me he sees himself as a comedian, so he mocks everything and everyone to make other people laugh. In effect, he is the class clown, but he's good at it (by which I mean he makes people laugh). He will interject other people's conversation in an high-pitched, rushed voice, to get a joke in. So I tried to force myself to do that too, and it would come out horribly. It's not that I can't make people laugh, from time to time, it's just that I'm not able to do it that consistently, and I prefer having a passionate conversation on things that interest me. I got into pro-bono CBT therapy at my college around this time.

 

The thing is, this guy was getting a lot more positive attention from everyone in our class than I ever had. There were two girls in this group I talked about earlier that agreed with me he was extremely obnoxious,but then would act amazingly around him, and push me around saying things like "Hey can you ask X what he's waiting for to sit down with us?". When I told them I really didn't feel comfortable being around him, they let me go, cut off all contact, and stuck with him. That whole group did that. Slowly, the same thing happened to the entire class. A group of 4-5 people I never found approachable and quite rude were totally open to him and his jokes and played around with him as well. More recently, another group of 3 girls I considered myself close to (they used to play with me in class, invite me out for coffee, we'd laugh together, and didn't seem to much attention to this other guy) turned completely to him as well. They are now constantly making eye contact with him during class and laughing at every single one of his jokes. I feel absolutely alone inside that class. Again.

 

It's been years of being constantly mistreated and cast aside and I hate myself a lot for not being able to form connections as easily as everyone around me appears to do it, and I don't know what I'm doing wrong or if I can even correct it.

 

CBT therapy has been failing. Sometimes I feel amazing after leaving it, but every prediction my therapist has made so far ends up crashing with reality. which makes me hate myself all the more. "That girl may laugh more when she's with him, but she actually cares more about you". Wrong. "Eventually people will get tired of his type of humor and cast him aside". Wrong. "Yea there are people in your class that like him, but there are also groups that would prefer hanging out with you and don't really care about him". Got proven wrong yesterday. "People only see him as a comedian and don't really care about him as a person" - this is it, this is the one prediction left to be broken. And it's extremely weak because, well, people still want to be around him, they like him, they seek him out. With a girl on the group I talked about earlier, who I considered myself close to back then, he now goes alone to her house to have lunch/a snack and vice-versa, and they have coffee together, alone. She has had a boyfriend for 5 years and it's debatable whether or not they have anything sexual going on (she's still with her boyfriend, invites this guy for dinners with her boyfriend, etc.), but regardless of if they are dating or not, she clearly seeks and enjoys his company. I don't feel sought out or cared for. So who cares if these people only seek him out and show him affection because he makes them laugh? It's better than what I have. And the minute this guy gets into a relationship with any of these people, this prediction is wrong, and it's the fundamental prediction all my therapy has been based on for the past 6 months. I don't know how I would react to that. My therapist has made me see my value on my interests and hobbies and take pride on that (none of these other people have interests apart from school), but I feel so alone and unsupported I simply can't. I'd trade all my interests and hobbies to have the ability to meet people and having them seeking my company.

 

Anyway that's the story. Every time I go to class and see everyone pay so much attention to him and none to me, I'm reminded I'm all alone. Again. This is a huge trigger. In the past week it triggered me to cut open my right hand on my steering wheel by punch it repeatedly, yesterday I broke a mirror in my bedroom by punching it. My mother found me in tears wrapped around my hand in the floor and I told her everything. She has offered help. I'm feeling a very deep sense of self-doubt and self-hatred and a social failure. I'm now considering enlisting addition professional help, maybe a trauma therapist. I don't know, who would be the best professional to deal with this? Also, I can't help but feel like I'm the one who's wrong, and that I need help developing my social skills as well, instead of just dealing with my feelings through therapy. Is there any option that would help me with this as well? Any thoughts? Thank you!

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Ask your mother to take you to a physician for a checkup and a full workup to determine if any medically treatable underlying issues exist. At that time get a referral to another therapist if all you do is dispute everything this pro bono CBT therapist is trying to help you with.

 

By the way the sine qua non of CBT is pointing out and challenging these cognitive distortions and negative self talk. If there are untreated neurochemical problems talking doesn't help much.

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CBT is pointing out and challenging these cognitive distortions and negative self talk. If there are untreated neurochemical problems talking doesn't help much.

 

Yea but those challenges keep failing when compared to reality. This is the thing I never understood about CBT and therapy in general. Some (most!) of it seems like you are simply denying reality and pretending it doesn't happen. Well, it is happening. Like I said, every single prediction and challenge made to my perspective eventually turned out to be wrong, and my perspective turned out to be right. In reality. Which is all that matters. And CBT isn't helping me deal with that at all.

 

Regardless, I take your advice on a medical checkup seriously and will consider that. Thank you.

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OK, well, first of all, I am so sorry that all this has happened to you and that your parents were not supportive of you having a social life. And above all that your mother actually used to hit you just because you didn't get a high grade at school! Hitting children is NOT OK, in particular when the reason is not even the child being naughty or misbehaving. I know it really sucks and it's unfair, but unfortunately you can't change the past. You can only change the future. I would like to also just say that if you want to make progress, I don't think it's necessarily useful to blame your parents, blame the therapist and the guy in your class at college. At the end of the day, you are now an adult and it's you that's controlling your life. If you want things to change then it's going to have to be YOU that actually puts the hard work in and has to make those changes. The therapist can help you by using CBT techniques (which to my understanding challenge your negative thought patterns), but they can't go with you to class and make you the most popular kid on the block.

 

I think what the therapist is actually doing is trying to challenge your thoughts and attitudes about yourself by making positive statements. It did really come through in your post that you are very insecure and you have low self-esteem and you can't see a silver lining in those dark clouds. Like, when the therapist has made positive comments, you don't think they're true and you are not seeing the world from a positive perspective. E.g. "People will still like you too, even if they like that funny classmate". You think that nothing the therapist is saying is true and I think unfortunately that's where the problem lies. I think for people to like us, we don't have to have some certain type of personality or certain looks. Not everyone is super funny and makes everyone laugh all the time. You don't have to be like that guy or to be someone you're not, but you have to LIKE yourself and be confident that you are worthy and your are enough as you are.

 

I don't think that the girls in your class are necessarily really infatuated with that guy or anything, I'm sure not everyone can be adored by everyone. But what I think it is, is that he's confident and he gives off positive vibes. People like people that are positive and comfortable in their own skin and this guy clearly is. I think the key really is to be yourself and not try too hard. Also comparing yourself to other people all the time is a really bad idea. We are all so different and you simply can't be someone else. I'm overweight so I could compare myself to girls that are very slim and look like models, but what would be the point? I find it difficult to lose weight, so I will never be skinny, I'll just be average at best. Sometimes we just have to accept ourselves as we are and realise that we are fine just as we are. They do say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". So most people who are not mean or terrible can have at least some people like them. Not everybody gets along with everybody but to think that nobody can like you and you can't have friends is really selling yourself short.

 

I think you need to continue with your therapy and really try to take on board what the therapist is saying. They are probably saying those things for a reason. You need to keep working hard to build your self-esteem and believe in yourself. Also keep in mind that the people in your class are not the only people that exist. You could also try to make friends in all sorts of other ways. Meetup groups, social groups, hobby classes, events, online, etc. I think you're trying too hard to be accepted by these particular people but these people are not your only friendship options. If you treat people well and you're nice, then if you don't gel it probably just means they're not meant to be your friends. I've done a few courses before and out of all of them I've made one best friend and that's it. So you really need to keep your options open and try to make friends in other ways too. Don't limit yourself because the people in your class are only a very small amount of people. There are still millions of other people out there for you to meet.

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Why are you intensely watching some guy who is actively going out of his way to interact with people and expect the same outcome for you?

His class clown act isn’t what gets him coffee dates or meets with others. It’s because he asks them to catch up.

 

You can act the class clown all you want but until you ask people to catch up it won’t happen?

 

I’m sorry but you can no longer as an adult blame your grandparents for encouraging you to read or your upbringing.

As an adult , you might realise that you didn’t have much teaching with regards to social skills. But as an adult , you can practise and self learn.

 

Your therapist can only try to provide insight.

But you have to put in the effort on a day to day basis to get results.

What are you actively doing about it?

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Why are you intensely watching some guy who is actively going out of his way to interact with people and expect the same outcome for you?

His class clown act isn’t what gets him coffee dates or meets with others. It’s because he asks them to catch up.

 

You can act the class clown all you want but until you ask people to catch up it won’t happen?

 

I’m sorry but you can no longer as an adult blame your grandparents for encouraging you to read or your upbringing.

As an adult , you might realise that you didn’t have much teaching with regards to social skills. But as an adult , you can practise and self learn.

 

Your therapist can only try to provide insight.

But you have to put in the effort on a day to day basis to get results.

What are you actively doing about it?

 

Because every time I interact with people they don't react to me as well as they react to him

 

When this all started I was hanging around these two girls often. But still when he was around they would leave me ALONE, literally alone, to go talk to him. Despite the fact that he made no effort at all to invite them out for stuff and would only go to classes and make jokes. THEY were the one catching up, not him.

 

I was the one inviting them out and hanging out with them constantly. And still being left behind. Constantly. And being told stuff like "Hey can you ask X what he is waiting for to sit down with us?" Without them ever inviting me to sit down myself

 

I'm sorry but this actively pissed me off. I am trying. I just can't do it. And if I try to be the extroverted clown it falls flat and people get annoyed with me, they don't find me funny at all

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Because every time I interact with people they don't react to me as well as they react to him

 

When this all started I was hanging around these two girls often. But still when he was around they would leave me ALONE, literally alone, to go talk to him. Despite the fact that he made no effort at all to invite them out for stuff and would only go to classes and make jokes. THEY were the one catching up, not him.

 

I was the one inviting them out and hanging out with them constantly. And still being left behind. Constantly. And being told stuff like "Hey can you ask X what he is waiting for to sit down with us?" Without them ever inviting me to sit down myself

 

I'm sorry but this actively pissed me off. I am trying. I just can't do it. And if I try to be the extroverted clown it falls flat and people get annoyed with me, they don't find me funny at all

 

I get it, it would be annoying, but you can't really do anything about the fact that you're not a "class clown" and that you are a more reserved and introverted. You can't just wave a magic wand and change your whole personality! I think that you need to know when to cut your losses. The thing is that not everyone likes us. I'm a really outgoing, friendly and social person and I have lots of friends. But I've still had people that didn't like me or fobbed me off when I tried to hang out with them. All you can really do is try to be a nice guy and be friendly to people. Try to make conversation and ask people things about themselves and seem interested in what you're saying. If people like someone else more than you then that probably just means that you don't have a true connection with those people. If you see that people are leaving you behind, just let them. This guy is not the problem here, I think the issue is that those girls are not your true friends. True friends don't just ditch you. You need to stop ruminating why they like him more than you and what you can do to change. You don't have to change, you just have to forget about those girls and start trying to make new friends.

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Because every time I interact with people they don't react to me as well as they react to him

 

When this all started I was hanging around these two girls often. But still when he was around they would leave me ALONE, literally alone, to go talk to him. Despite the fact that he made no effort at all to invite them out for stuff and would only go to classes and make jokes. THEY were the one catching up, not him.

 

I was the one inviting them out and hanging out with them constantly. And still being left behind. Constantly. And being told stuff like "Hey can you ask X what he is waiting for to sit down with us?" Without them ever inviting me to sit down myself

 

I'm sorry but this actively pissed me off. I am trying. I just can't do it. And if I try to be the extroverted clown it falls flat and people get annoyed with me, they don't find me funny at all

 

Why are you trying to be someone you aren’t?

What is it about this guy that you find so interesting? And why berate others for feeling the same way? As in the girls that find him interesting?

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Why are you trying to be someone you aren’t?

What is it about this guy that you find so interesting? And why berate others for feeling the same way? As in the girls that find him interesting?

 

Nothing about him is interesting. He has no hobbies or interests. He's just constantly firing out jokes. Also he studies a lot of useless things (to me) like make-up techniques, only so that it will give him more jokes to make around girls

 

And why do you say I'm berating the girls? I feel self-hatred for not being able to connect with people as well as he does. Most of my hatred is directed INWARDS, to myself. The only problem I have with the girls is that they pay so much more attention and affection to him while they are often rude and inconsiderate to me.

 

This doesn't mean I berate them. Again. It makes me berate MYSELF mostly, and it makes me feel inferior and unworthy

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Nothing about him is interesting. He has no hobbies or interests. He's just constantly firing out jokes. Also he studies a lot of useless things (to me) like make-up techniques, only so that it will give him more jokes to make around girls

 

And why do you say I'm berating the girls? I feel self-hatred for not being able to connect with people as well as he does. Most of my hatred is directed INWARDS, to myself. The only problem I have with the girls is that they pay so much more attention and affection to him while they are often rude and inconsiderate to me.

 

This doesn't mean I berate them. Again. It makes me berate MYSELF mostly, and it makes me feel inferior and unworthy

 

Well, that is definitely the issue, you don't like yourself so how do you expect other people to like you? If these girls are rude and inconsiderate to you, that means they were never your real friends in the first place. Friends don't just dump you when someone new comes along. This guy should not be your concern. There will always be people around us who are funny, good-looking, successful, etc. We can't let that intimidate us and we need to carve out our own life. Let him have those girls and you can find other friends. Are you actually taking any advice you're getting here on board and if so then how are you planning to work on changing things? Just ruminating on this guy and those girls is not going to change anything. It'll just keep making you feel miserable.

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Hey, I think I get it somewhat. I think you should go see a doctor like someone suggested, but I went through something similar growing up with a twin. It started when we were really little and the neighborhood kid preferred her and they eventually actively excluded me and picked on me. We're fraternal and very different. Babysitters, everyone would fawn all over her. She was just cuter, and smiley, and I tried to laugh like her but no dice. I played alone a lot and cried, my parents thought we were all hanging out together.

 

Later in high school things got worse because she hated me, and we were forced to do everything together because my parents didn't want to have to drive us to separate sports. College, they made us share a car so I was forced to go to the one she picked despite wanting to go to a different school. She would scream at me in front of other people about how much she hated me. And she was more confident, cuter, more mature, so people who we had both been friends with cut me out and I was alone again. And adults started asking what was wrong with me, just to make it more fun! I hid from everyone as best I could.

 

Anyway college was better because we didn't have the same classes. I actually won academic awards and I'm a good artist; two things she can't do. Having the space to be different people did wonders for me. Friends found me, after I stopped trying to follow people around to try to get invited places. Figured I was hopeless and accepted being alone, and then I was just myself, and somehow I had friends. I can't explain it and I really applaud you for actively inviting people out for coffee and trying to befriend them, because I still am bad at that at almost 40 and they have to come to me. But they do, and I'm very happy with my social life and happy with myself. My twin and I are even close now, which I attribute to strengths I have that I was able to develop while being away from her. And she lives in another state, doesn't hurt :).

 

My advice is to let him be him, and you be you. There'll be people that prefer you. Book smart usually leads to a good job, which is attractive. Can you get out and find some groups or activities outside of school where he isn't there? Get a part time job? Sorry you went through abuse as a kid :(. I had a bit of that to deal with too. It gets better; you just need to get through it. Don't worry about psychotherapist predictions about that clown. They should be working on how you feel about yourself and challenging your negative self doubts instead. I hope it gets better!

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Well, that is definitely the issue, you don't like yourself so how do you expect other people to like you? If these girls are rude and inconsiderate to you, that means they were never your real friends in the first place. Friends don't just dump you when someone new comes along. This guy should not be your concern. There will always be people around us who are funny, good-looking, successful, etc. We can't let that intimidate us and we need to carve out our own life. Let him have those girls and you can find other friends. Are you actually taking any advice you're getting here on board and if so then how are you planning to work on changing things? Just ruminating on this guy and those girls is not going to change anything. It'll just keep making you feel miserable.

 

Thank you, you have been helping a lot :)

 

I think I should make something clear. This guy isn't always funny. I actually think quite the opposite, and he does as well. He thinks 60% of his jokes fall flat, and it's true. The thing is, everyone knows him as the "clown guy". It's not the jokes themselves that are funny, it's his whole persona. Since he's very upbeat, say-what's-on-your-mind, clearly thinking of himself as a comedian, speaking a rushed, high-pitched voice when telling a joke, etc., he's seen as a comedian. Sometimes his jokes land, yea, but other times people just shrug or make a comment just to get in on the fun, even if the joke itself wasn't that funny. Other times people will laugh simply because the joke was so ridiculous and nonsensical that it's stupid.

 

Here's an example. We went into another city (me, him, this group of girls, and a few other guys). A restaurant owner spotted us as tourists and approached us with "Hey, do you guys come from city X?". This guy loudly went "AHAHAH friend you tried" and walked away. And he thought that was so hilarious he repeated that story to the group of girls 3 times, and they all loved it. Meanwhile me and another guy approached the restaurant owner, actually talked to him, and he gave us a discount and free dessert. This is what I mean. It's not that he's funny, it's that his whole persona is "I'm a comedian", and that's what I think others consider funny about him. Sometimes he nails it, sometimes he doesn't, but since that's his character, people apparently find him funny regardless.

 

Now, I need a female opinion on this if you don't mind :) like I said in the original post, my therapist insists people don't actually like this guy as a person. They (especially the girls) are only basically "using" him because he makes them laugh. So when that girl goes out with him for coffee, she doesn't go out with him because she's attracted to him, she goes out because she wants to forget her problems, and being around a comedian helps her relax and laugh a little. According to my therapist (though I can't prove this, obviously), the minute he tried to turn things serious and reveal his feelings for one of these girls, they would be taken aback. Her argument is that they do consider him a friend and kind of care about him, but they see him as a dancing monkey. They love to be around him and laugh and have fun, but they would never consider forming a deep connection with him.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Thanks!

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Thank you, you have been helping a lot :)

 

I think I should make something clear. This guy isn't always funny. I actually think quite the opposite, and he does as well. He thinks 60% of his jokes fall flat, and it's true. The thing is, everyone knows him as the "clown guy". It's not the jokes themselves that are funny, it's his whole persona. Since he's very upbeat, say-what's-on-your-mind, clearly thinking of himself as a comedian, speaking a rushed, high-pitched voice when telling a joke, etc., he's seen as a comedian. Sometimes his jokes land, yea, but other times people just shrug or make a comment just to get in on the fun, even if the joke itself wasn't that funny. Other times people will laugh simply because the joke was so ridiculous and nonsensical that it's stupid.

 

Here's an example. We went into another city (me, him, this group of girls, and a few other guys). A restaurant owner spotted us as tourists and approached us with "Hey, do you guys come from city X?". This guy loudly went "AHAHAH friend you tried" and walked away. And he thought that was so hilarious he repeated that story to the group of girls 3 times, and they all loved it. Meanwhile me and another guy approached the restaurant owner, actually talked to him, and he gave us a discount and free dessert. This is what I mean. It's not that he's funny, it's that his whole persona is "I'm a comedian", and that's what I think others consider funny about him. Sometimes he nails it, sometimes he doesn't, but since that's his character, people apparently find him funny regardless.

 

Now, I need a female opinion on this if you don't mind :) like I said in the original post, my therapist insists people don't actually like this guy as a person. They (especially the girls) are only basically "using" him because he makes them laugh. So when that girl goes out with him for coffee, she doesn't go out with him because she's attracted to him, she goes out because she wants to forget her problems, and being around a comedian helps her relax and laugh a little. According to my therapist (though I can't prove this, obviously), the minute he tried to turn things serious and reveal his feelings for one of these girls, they would be taken aback. Her argument is that they do consider him a friend and kind of care about him, but they see him as a dancing monkey. They love to be around him and laugh and have fun, but they would never consider forming a deep connection with him.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Thanks!

 

So this "comedian" guy is really just an aggressive jerk and contrary to what you think - he didn't and doesn't connect with people. You just gave a perfect example of failure to connect. Ironically, you and some other guy actually did connect with this person....and got rewarded for it. Open your eyes buddy. Your real problem is your perception of what connection looks like, aka loud, aggressive, obnoxious - you are wrong. That's not connection.

 

Anyway, this guy is pretty toxic and yes, some people like that, but honestly, those aren't the kind of people you want to hang out with because they aren't going to be very nice people either.

 

You'll feel connected with people when you stop hating yourself, stop trying to be someone else, aka loud obnoxious ahole, have the courage to be genuine, talk with people and more importantly listen to what others say, really hear them. Develop your own hobbies, interests and through that you'll meet others who are more like you and you'll connect and feel like you belong. Your friendships will be more genuine and lasting instead of this shallow pretend existence. As you can see, it's not satisfying. For others to like you, you have to like yourself and be comfortable with yourself. That means drop the myth that only extroverts and assorted ahole's pretending to be extroverts are fun or interesting. They aren't.

 

Oh and your therapist is spot on.

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Be yourself instead of trying to be him. You'll be a lot better at it. Develop your own game and don't worry about him. Focus on you.

I'm sorry but this actively pissed me off. I am trying. I just can't do it. And if I try to be the extroverted clown it falls flat and people get annoyed with me, they don't find me funny at all

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Why are you putting so much focus on him? Why can't you try to make friends outside of class? Have you checked out school clubs, or other clubs outside of school that would be of interest? Have you tried Meet Ups or volunteering.

 

I just don't understand why you are making your entire world about this class. When I was in school, my friends were outside the college. Stop limiting yourself.

 

The guy sounds like a jerk.

 

As Billie said, you are an adult, so stop blaming your parents.

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Now, I need a female opinion on this if you don't mind :) like I said in the original post, my therapist insists people don't actually like this guy as a person. They (especially the girls) are only basically "using" him because he makes them laugh. So when that girl goes out with him for coffee, she doesn't go out with him because she's attracted to him, she goes out because she wants to forget her problems, and being around a comedian helps her relax and laugh a little. According to my therapist (though I can't prove this, obviously), the minute he tried to turn things serious and reveal his feelings for one of these girls, they would be taken aback. Her argument is that they do consider him a friend and kind of care about him, but they see him as a dancing monkey. They love to be around him and laugh and have fun, but they would never consider forming a deep connection with him.

 

What are your thoughts on this? Thanks!

 

Either you have misinterpreted your therapist or you need a new one.

 

Choices in friendship always come from a selfish place. That’s normal.

No one ever says I’m friends with or hang out with x because I make him/her happy etc

Instead they say I’m friends with x because he/she has a great sense of humour or makes for great conversation or whatever , but the reason is always what they gain from the friendship not what they give.

 

So, in one way your therapist is correct that these girls hang out with him for something they gain but that does not mean they don’t like him. Nor does it mean they want to date him.

 

Why are you hanging out with him though? Because you aren’t gaining anything from him.

And likewise why are you hanging out with these girls? Doesn’t sound like you gain anything from them either?

 

True friendships form when two people mutually gain something from each other.

 

You choose your friends but you can’t make people choose you.

It happens naturally by being yourself and not trying to imitate someone you perceive to be “popular”

 

But you can increase your chances of finding friendships by socialising in circles of like minded people via a sport , hobby or interest.

 

So instead of trying to force friendships with these people , start looking elsewhere.

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You need to stop focusing on other people and start focusing on loving yourself. Easier said then done, I know. I do find it odd for your therapist to give you these "predictions" as it clearly is just making you focus even more on others.

 

You had a very hard childhood and it's ok to blame that, because it actually is the cause of most of what your going through. Instead of sticking to blame though, learn from it. Dig deep and tell the younger you what he needed to hear when your parents weren't there to support you. Your mother hit you when you got a bad grade? Tell the younger you that getting a bad grade is ok, your mom didn't know better and handled it horribly, it is not linked to your worth. Now you know a bad grade means nothing, comfort the younger you, give him the love he didn't receive.

 

You are an interesting person and you will find people who will appreciate you for what you are, but you need to start appreciating yourself first. Write a list of your positive qualities. It's gonna be harder than you think. It can include anything, from intelligence to the way you treat animals; being handy, your interests, even the cool way you style your hair and so on. Imagine seeing them in another person. Wouldn't you want to hangout with them? Sure you would. Take care of yourself, keep your apartment clean and tidy, treat yourself, pamper yourself. Most importantly, ask your therapist how you can learn to love yourself, they'll definitely have more tips and great guidance.

 

It doesn't matter if that "class clown" is fake and will eventually f* up his life or not. You're spending your energy on something meaningless when you can focus it on how awesome you are.

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Either you have misinterpreted your therapist or you need a new one.

 

Choices in friendship always come from a selfish place. That’s normal.

No one ever says I’m friends with or hang out with x because I make him/her happy etc

Instead they say I’m friends with x because he/she has a great sense of humour or makes for great conversation or whatever , but the reason is always what they gain from the friendship not what they give.

 

So, in one way your therapist is correct that these girls hang out with him for something they gain but that does not mean they don’t like him. Nor does it mean they want to date him.

 

 

I don't agree with you 100%, I think her input is valuable. What she's asking is if these people really see him as a friend, or rather as a comedian.

 

The minute he stops being funny, will they still hang around? Or are they only hanging around him because he is a clown, a comedian, and that's all he is? So if he ever tries to have a serious conversation, they back off? Doesn't seem that off-limits to me, I think it makes a lot of sense.

 

There is a question to be made on whether or not this is good therapy. It seems very argumentative and not very clinically helpful, but it still makes sense.

 

I also don't agree with your opinion on friendships. Let's say you are my classmate. I like you and hang out with you only because you let me cheat and you teach me and I have good grades because of you. According to you, this is just another plain old friendship. I don't agree. The minute you don't get me good grades, you are out of my life. What kind of friendship is that? There's an element of care in friendships, it's not just "Oh I like this person because they have this facet that does this for me".

 

If you ask me about my close friends, I couldn't tell you what I gain for them in 1 sentence. They are supportive, they have interests, they ask for help but they help me too, they are cool to have around. I don't know. So much. But I literally can't think of any one of my close friendships and say "Oh this is what I'm gaining from the person".

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