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I live with my ex-girlfriend and want to win her back. How can I do this?


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Hi guys, before I get into the dilemma I am facing, I'll provide a bit of info about myself:

I am 21 years old, my ex-girlfriend is 20 years old. We began dating about 4.5 years ago when she was 15 and have up until recently been fairly happy together since, or that's what I thought. We currently live together and will continue doing so for the next 3 months due to a rental lease we share.


So the breakup went as follows: She came to me in the morning as I was waking up and said that she thought we should break up, that she felt she had changed and what she wants in life has changed. She said she had felt this way for some time and did not make this decision lightly. For me, however, it felt as if she had completely changed overnight. She told me that there was nothing she would change with the relationship and that I had done nothing wrong, it's just she couldn't provide me with what I wanted (a loving relationship) as she "loves me but isn't in love with me anymore". The worst part of this breakup is that not just a few days earlier, I had bought her an engagement ring, which I guess shows the different ways we must have felt in the end, despite her being the one always talking about marriage earlier.


I desperately want her back with me as she has made me happier than anybody else in this world, I understand that it is still early on in the breakup and I am going to hurt for some time still and maybe not see things clearly, but I do feel positive that I want to be with her.


I am trying to maintain no contact with her as much as is possible, but as we live together there is only so much I can do to avoid contact. We have had a couple of casual conversations lately and today I even briefly joked with her and she goofed around with a facial mask smiling as we both knew it looked hilarious. But, I understand that I also need to try to avoid these conversations for a few more weeks so that at the least I can heal and try to show her the changes I am making and more importantly, that I am a happy and capable of moving on without faking it.


Despite her saying I did nothing wrong and it felt like the cliche "It's not you, it's me.", I do think on the areas of our relationship where I was lax. For example, I could be fairly lazy with housework, often just chilling on the couch watching TV. I have since begun making a genuine effort, cleaning dishes (both mine and hers), doing laundry (my own), vacuuming and mopping up, bins, etc. As I know that she is much happier with a cleaner house and I want to show that I am dedicated to making better changes in myself that would benefit us both. I have also been hitting the gym and dieting to lose weight, largely for myself and my own confidence, but also to hopefully catch her eye (she recently told me that I "look good", which I see as hopefully a positive sign)


The problem is that I'm not certain on how to go about breaking no contact after I feel more confident in myself and my feelings. I'm currently thinking of asking her to help me pick out new pillows for my couch, as she likes interior design and looking at things like that, theres also a coffee shop she likes very close to the store and I was thinking that I could ask her to have a coffee and chat after the shopping. Would this be a good way to attempt to reinitiate trust and attraction between us? She really is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I would give anything to have her back, but ultimately, I want her to be happy in life - with or without me - because I truly love her and only want what's best for her.


So any advice, opinions or insights on my situation would be extremely appreciated!

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Sorry this has happened. The bigger problem here, OP, is that she was just 15 when you started dating.


She wants to stretch her wings now, and has likely outgrown the relationship. You didn't see it coming, but my guess is that you had both become complacent and you may have missed the subtler signs that she was checking out. Teen relationships rarely survive the transition into adulthood these days, simply because we change so much in that period of our lives and are freer now to grab the opportunities the world has in front of us.


Going shopping or having coffee isn't going to fix it, my friend. I know it's a tough pill to swallow but there is little you can do about this. Unless she cited specific reasons as to why she was unhappy with you, I can almost guarantee she's simply changed a lot herself and wants to see what else might be out there.


I would see if you can maybe stay with a friend for a few nights just to clear your head. Perhaps she could do the same. Heck, see if you might have a compassionate buddy or family member wiling to put you up until the lease is up. Living together is going to become very difficult. Take as much distance from each other as you can, since No Contact isn't possible at this time. You two might be able to reconnect one day, but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon, to be honest. She is too young and inexperienced with life to be ready to settle down in the near future.

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She has mentioned that she wants us to remain in each other's lives and that she sees me as someone she will always have in her life. I do understand that we were both young when we started dating and that she feels like she needs to be more independent and learn to be herself. But I am also hoping that if it is truly nothing to do with me, then there is the possibility of us reconciling in the future, even if it takes time. We both still enjoy many of the same things and share a lot of interests, goals, dreams, etc. So I am hoping that maybe with some time on her own to discover herself, she will decide that maybe she had something special and worth having long-term.


I am doing my best to treat this experience as a chance to grow and discover myself too as I was also young when we began our relationship, to become more emotionally mature and independent. But I also know myself well enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with her if she will give me the chance.

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You have a good head on your shoulders, OP. It will serve you well no matter what the future holds between you and her.


I would concentrate on yourself as much as possible now. Don't try to think up ways to win her back at this point. Focus on what you can do to move forward.

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Do you think sitting down and respectfully asking her what she feels has changed within herself and what has changed with what she wants out of life could be a good idea? I just really wish I understood the concrete reasons that she felt the need to break things off. I don't want to come off as needy or clingy and I definitely don't want to potentially jeopardize any possibility of reconciliation by asking her things like that too early or making her think that I'm just looking to change in order to fit her new ideals. I know that it's in my own best interests to ensure that I don't compromise who I am in order to salvage the relationship, but I just have so many questions that have no clear cut answer and it's killing me not knowing what feels so different that she fell out of love with me.

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Do you think sitting down and respectfully asking her what she feels has changed within herself and what has changed with what she wants out of life could be a good idea?


Eh, not really. If it were something precise, you would probably already know what she was unhappy with.


She likely can't even specify it herself, honestly. It's not always something that has a logical explanation behind it, and I say that having been through it myself in my younger years. My then-boyfriend was a good guy, but I grew to see him more as a friend than a romantic partner. After 5 years together I had outgrown the relationship and was curious about other guys. I was in no way ready to commit to a lifetime with him and I knew I had to end it. He had hinted that he wanted to get married and, honestly, the thought of it made me realize I didn't want to spend my life with him.


He too tried to change to fit what he thought I wanted, but that's not usually how this works. Relationships can indeed run their course without having a concrete turning point or serious problems. It is generally a slow process of drifting apart and not seeing a future anymore. And sadly, it is not always felt by both parties, and the dumpee winds up feeling shell-shocked. But in the end, it wouldn't be wise to try to convince her to stay if it's not what she wants.

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I guess that's true, I really do want her to do what is going to make her happiest. My hope is that after some time on her own, discovering herself and seeing what life can be like on her own, that she may decide that she misses me and wants to try things again. I won't hold myself back or cling to hope indefinitely waiting for her to change her mind, but it truly is my deepest hope that she does come to miss me and want me back. It's just incredibly hard knowing that the person I hold most dear doesn't feel the same as I do right now and that it's quite possible that she never will again.

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OP you seem like you have a old head on young shoulders which is a good thing.


You have been given good advice. I don't think there is anything you can do it seems the 2 of you have just grown apart. No one is at fault or too blame here it's just part of the process of growing up sadly.


I would not spend any time trying to get her back or win her over and certainly do not try and mould yourself into something you think she wants. I did that once when I was a lot younger and it just killed any attraction she felt to me. Remain true to yourself and do not define yourself by what you think someone wants you to become.


Personally I would recommend not staying friends for the short term at least. It's all very well her saying you should remain friends for the rest of your lives while she's off having fun and you are struggling with the breakup. As it's your first real relationship ending it's hard to describe the pain you will feel if she meets someone else fairly soon and see pics etc. Down the line when you are truly over it only then would I consider being friends and even then there is no obligation too.


I'd look at like this now : I'm really young,.I've got my while life ahead of me, I can go out and make many new friends and meet new people, take up new hobbies etc etc. In relationships we let external friends and interests slide in a.natural way but now you can refocus your energy in other things. Focus on you, not your ex.


It sucks right now but months down the line you will be just fine honestly. Take care.

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Sorry this is happening. Where will you move after the 3 mos? Why was this engagement ring recently bought but no proposal? You can try to make it more bearable for yourself and her for the next three mos but it sounds like she's been deliberating this for quite some time.


Of course "no contact" is silly when still living together and it's not a technique to "get your ex back" as the those scam sites proclaim. So forget that and talk about logistics, moving, severing finances, etc.. No do not continue treating her like a maid and expect her to decorate your new place. Did she meet someone recently?

We currently live together and will continue doing so for the next 3 months due to a rental lease we share. she "loves me but isn't in love with me anymore". I had bought her an engagement ring
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I bought her the engagement ring and had intended to propose within a month. I'm mostly using no contact - or minimal contact to help myself heal and also provide her the space she wants. I would never treat her as a maid, there were many things I did for her regularly - such as driving as she has yet to get a license, or cooking our meals. As far as I know, she hasn't met somebody new, though I feel it would be a bad decision to ask her.


If we really are going to part ways for good - and I am desperately hoping something changes to bring her back to me - then I will likely move back home to focus on attending university next year.

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I think that, some time in the future, when you have moved out and she has “found herself” you could possibly reconcile things, but I. D.o.n.t see this happening so soon, nor do I think it’s a good idea to do it so soon because I feel as if it could just set you up for another heartbreak. Best thing to do is give it time, which is easier said than done, I know. I can definitely see it working out in the future, but right now is probably not the best time.

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My thoughts:


Think that you are 100% broken up, and she will NEVER come back to you.

Hit the gym harder...clean up your act, work on your life, volunteer some...and most importantly...DATE.

Let her see that you are moving on.


Her attraction level for you is 0.


Somewhere though...deep down...she might still love you...but you've basically driven her away with complacency. This is your lesson learned, and be thankful you learned it so early in life :-)


Be fun. Be cool. DONT ask her out ever...treat her like a low priority, and maybe she'll come around. That's just how things work.

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