Complainers

[Batya33]

Not at all. Don't you know any non-stop talkers?

 

I do and I am fairly tolerant because in those cases I like so much about the person.

I can be chatty and I am chatty when nervous and.... I am very interested in what others have to say, love hearing others' stories, etc - recently a new friend told me that one reason she likes our lunches is because I'm a good listener who asks good follow up questions (I don't like to pry but i do like to hear "more" so I'm careful with what I ask). So if I'm feeling nervous and find myself talking too fast/too much I physically stop myself or make myself ask a question that completely puts the ball in the other person's court. Then stop talking. Honestly it's not easy all the time because there's that temptation to talk when nervous which can feel needy too. People who are shy/reserved seem to be drawn out when around me - I will do more of the talking at first but then ask the person a related question and wait to see if he/she will answer.

 

So what I would do with her is show with your body language that you are fading out -take space - don't make good eye contact. If on the phone it's fine to say "oh sorry have to go now!". Look -if she's truly not interested in what you have to say what kind of friend is that?

[SarahLancaster]

She's actually a good friend with many great qualities. Those of us who are her friends have learned that you just have to interrupt her long speeches and steer the conversations in a different direction. She doesn't seem to get upset about that.

 

Compulsive talkers aren't good about recognizing body language clues of their listeners.

[Hollyj]

People whose coping style is being passive-aggressive are masters of frustration, procrastination and no-win situations. When someone offers help, a suggestion or a solution it's the perfect opportunity for them to do their favorite things. Reject and frustrate. They feel "in control" by doing this. This is why taking the bait and entertaining their rhetorical questions or chronic complaints is a poor investment of time and energy. Complete indifference is the best way to handle them.

 

Very intestestung and on the spot! She had shared an incident with a friend, and her response to the situation. I told her it was very passive be aggressive.

[Hollyj]

Not at all. Don't you know any non-stop talkers?

 

Yes. But, I have to remove myself, if possible. It makes me crazy.

[Hollyj]

I think that what I have learned from all of the wonderful input, is that I will redirect the convo. If she mentions something about the redirection, I am doing to be honest. This is the only way it can go forward.

[Hollyj]

People whose coping style is being passive-aggressive are masters of frustration, procrastination and no-win situations. When someone offers help, a suggestion or a solution it's the perfect opportunity for them to do their favorite things. Reject and frustrate. They feel "in control" by doing this. This is why taking the bait and entertaining their rhetorical questions or chronic complaints is a poor investment of time and energy. Complete indifference is the best way to handle them.

 

The "passive aggressive" comment made me think of some other things.

 

She has asked for advice on quite a few occasions. It could be finance, travel, food, whatever. Many times she would take the advice, and then contact me later to tell me how it did not work out for her, and she was going to stick with what she already had. I got to a point, where I just told her I could not advise her, as I didn't know how to refer her. Why ask someone for advice if you are going to shoot it down, every damn time. Rude! If I had asked her if the advice had worked out, I would expect an honest answer, and not be offended. As, I had asked for opinion. I do not see the benefit of contacting someone to tell them how bad their advice was. The other day, she asked for a recommendation of a Japanese market-it was weak moment and I forgot my rule with her-and recommended a popular market in the city. So what did she do, she comes back with a complaint on the meat she bought (quality). Wasn't as good, as another place we had shopped. That was it for me. I told her exactly what I thought about it, and that it was a pattern. She apologized profusely, and could't say enough positive things about the damn market. She then blamed her mother for her critical behavior. This is a grown azz woman. I told her that she cannot blame her mother for her actions. I even asked her why she asked me for advice, and she said it was because she values it very much. When I ask friends for advice and it doesn't pan out, I never back and tell them it was a bad recommendation. What would be the purpose.

 

Now you got me going. The second thing. I would occasionally suggest music venues. She would come back with, "Are you really in love with that choice? How about if I look into things for the same night." Rude! I would not have suggested it if I didn't think it could be fun. I had had it. I told her what I thought about it, and asked her how she would feel if I did that when she made suggestions. She agreed it was wrong and not nice, and said she would love to go to the concert.

 

Now, I am becoming the big complainer!

[Batya33]

I agree. I am totally fine with someone asking for a suggestion and not taking it but have the common courtesy not to tell me why it was a bad idea.

 

Sorry this is so frustrating, Holly!

[Hollyj]

I agree. I am totally fine with someone asking for a suggestion and not taking it but have the common courtesy not to tell me why it was a bad idea.

 

Sorry this is so frustrating, Holly!

 

Thanks, Bat.

[Jibralta]

She has asked for advice on quite a few occasions. It could be finance, travel, food, whatever. Many times she would take the advice, and then contact me later to tell me how it did not work out for her, and she was going to stick with what she already had.

 

This puts the issue in a new light. I can see why her complaining is so annoying and difficult to tune out!

[Hollyj]

This puts the issue in a new light. I can see why her complaining is so annoying and difficult to tune out!

 

The combo has brought things to a head.

[catfeeder]

I'd turn the table, so to speak. Next time she asks for a suggestion, I'd say, "Naaah, my suggestions never work out for you, and since you've made a point of always telling me so, I'm pretty frustrated and done. How about if you research your own sources on the Internet, try them out, and if you come across anything fabulous, you can recommend it to me?"

[Hollyj]

I'd turn the table, so to speak. Next time she asks for a suggestion, I'd say, "Naaah, my suggestions never work out for you, and since you've made a point of always telling me so, I'm pretty frustrated and done. How about if you research your own sources on the Internet, try them out, and if you come across anything fabulous, you can recommend it to me?"

 

I like that! LOL! Actually, I did make a snide remark at dinner the other night. We did have a talk about all of this. I told her very clearly how I felt and that it was not cool. She apologized. But, believe me, I am not feeling very generous with offering any more advice. I know that she is going to want help drawing up an itinerary on an upcoming trip. She can do what I do: her own research!

[Cherylyn]

Thanks catfeeder.

[Cherylyn]

I think it's conservative and safe for you to redirect the convo with your friend. Yes, honesty is good. Just remember whom you're dealing with, adjust and navigate. Everyone has various personalities, intelligence or lack thereof. Some people possess emotional intelligence otherwise known as EQ. Some mature people will respect and follow your lead and can handle your requests whereas others explode. I hope it is not the latter. You know your friend best. Hope it works out for you Hollyj.