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Me (f/23) and my boyfriend (m/23) are currently long distance for the summer due to him getting a job in another country. We have been dating for around 10 months but have known each other longer. Everything has been totally fine and normal until the other night when he messaged me this:

 

BF: Are you awake I am feeling a little under the weather?

ME: What's wrong?

BF: I'm worried about our relationship.

ME: Why? I thought everything was okay, did something change?

BF: I don't know. probably nothing, I don't know what I want right now.

 

After this conversation, he went to bed and I told him I would give him space to figure out what he wanted. He didn't speak me to for a day or so and then messaged me apologizing, saying he doesn't want to break up and he wants to be with me. He is afraid to go back to school etc. I told him I understood but I did not want to speak about this over text, only a phone call so we had clear communication. He responded that he would call in the evening. The evening rolls around (we only have an hour time difference) and I message him asking what time he would be free to call, three hours pass he isn't responding. Could be busy yes so I sent another message just saying "I understand you are probably busy so could we set a time that works for the both of us?" His response was that he was sorry and that he would call tomorrow because he isn't feeling good and that we will be okay.

 

I am just a little tired from this all and the lack of communication from his part. Especially since we are long distance and I just want to have clear communication and not ignoring my messages and leaving me in the dark. I honestly fear he won't call today and I have never had trust issues in our relationship. I am not sure how to continue from here, would my best option to keep giving him space and wait for him to contact me? Because I do not want to push him away.

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Sorry to hear this. It's nothing you did. LDRs are hard. He may have met someone. He'll have to manage his situation as part of growing. Don't be his shoulder to cry on. Instead go no contact for a while. Consider dating locally.

 

BF: Are you awake I am feeling a little under the weather?

ME: What's wrong?

BF: I'm worried about our relationship.

ME: Why? I thought everything was okay, did something change?

BF: I don't know. probably nothing, I don't know what I want right now.

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Distance or not, it does seem like he is having some doubts about staying in the relationship. Could be he met someone, doesn't mean he is cheating, just that someone caught his attention and has left him questioning things. Could be that being apart has left him questioning things as well. Some people can be fine on their own for a bit, others just aren't cut out like that.

 

Unfortunately, all you can do right now is believe him that you two will be fine and that he'll call when he can. That said, if he continues to avoid the conversation and act weird.....you will have some hard decisions to make about this relationship.

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Im with DancingFool on this.

 

4 months LD isn't that bad, but now the only thing you can do is wait. It's good that you're open and secure in your relationship. When you finally talk, don't clam up, continue to be open and understanding. Try to keep your mind occupied while you're waiting! All the best and keep us posted!

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He did mention he was feeling lonely. I very much doubt he met someone as he is coming home in four months due to this only being for the summer as we are both returning to school. He did mention later on he didn't know what came over him but the fact he didn't contact me when he said he would as left me feeling a little uneasy.

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It's not a great sign, if I'm being honest.

 

You say things were fine and this came out of the blue. That suggests to me that either it's been weighing on him longer than he let on, or something happened that triggered him and led him to raise the issue with you. As DancingFool specualted, I too would be wondering if someone has caught his eye and it's leading him to feel confused. It might not be anyone who he intends to see regularly, but he might be worried about an attraction developing, for example. Sometimes people in LDR struggle with this even if they never act on it.

 

How long has he been gone? Was communication good up until now?

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He did mention he was feeling lonely. I very much doubt he met someone as he is coming home in four months due to this only being for the summer as we are both returning to school. He did mention later on he didn't know what came over him but the fact he didn't contact me when he said he would as left me feeling a little uneasy.

 

I think you and him have a bit of a personality difference. For you, 4 months is no big deal and it wouldn't be for many people. However, it's important to understand that others can be quite different from you and how you operate. Listen carefully to what he is telling you - that he is feeling lonely, down, etc. It could well be that he just had a moment of depression and that's all it is. Understandably, this left you feeling unsettled since you want to talk about it and he seems to be avoiding it for now. Maybe he is feeling better, maybe he feels foolish for his moment of confusion. Try to understand things from a different emotional perspective besides your own. You come across as very strong and stable, but your bf might not be quite that strong. Either way, until you talk, not much you can do. Just when you do talk, be sure that you listen carefully to what he is telling you and if he tells you it was all just a bout of whatever, believe him. It happens, especially when you are alone in a foreign country and starting to miss your friends and life back home.

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You were smart to ask for a phone conversation instead of discussing important issues over text. It was very uncaring of him to leave you hanging about such an important discussion. It could be that he realized he isn't missing you as he should. It could be that he has met someone, even if it's illogical because he's only there temporarily.

 

People who love you and are struggling with other issues should be seeking your support, not running away from you. I doubt other issues are driving him away from you.

 

Don't let him be the one who calls the shots. You can listen to him if he eventually calls, but if he doesn't feel 100 percent confidence in being with you, why stay? If he doesn't behave in a way that a partner in an exclusive relationship should be behaving, decide you have standards that he doesn't meet. People want a partner who is confident, has a spine, and isn't a doormat. Make sure he knows you need to be treated as the special person you are or you'll be saying, "This isn't working for me. I wish you the best." Take care.

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He could be just having a wobble. People have wobbles sometimes. The distance and separation could have him thinking thoughts he wouldn't normally have, or has prompted him to reevaluate things and he has nobody to just be there with him and ground him in those moments. Yes, all the things the other posters say could be right but it could just be a momentary wobble. A blip of uncertainty and insecurity. He might have more in that long distance period but might be all good when you are reunited and it doesn't mean he has met anyone else or something like that.

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I think you and him have a bit of a personality difference. For you, 4 months is no big deal and it wouldn't be for many people. However, it's important to understand that others can be quite different from you and how you operate. Listen carefully to what he is telling you - that he is feeling lonely, down, etc. It could well be that he just had a moment of depression and that's all it is. Understandably, this left you feeling unsettled since you want to talk about it and he seems to be avoiding it for now. Maybe he is feeling better, maybe he feels foolish for his moment of confusion. Try to understand things from a different emotional perspective besides your own. You come across as very strong and stable, but your bf might not be quite that strong. Either way, until you talk, not much you can do. Just when you do talk, be sure that you listen carefully to what he is telling you and if he tells you it was all just a bout of whatever, believe him. It happens, especially when you are alone in a foreign country and starting to miss your friends and life back home.

 

I echo this and perhaps he is feeling left out and insecure about the relationship as a result of his being away... OP is here surrounded by friends and family and probably going out and socializing etc... would be hard to take if you were feeling lonely and disconnected... not that you should stop going out and having fun OP just something to be aware of from his side of things.

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  • 1 month later...

MissCanuck i agree with the part where you said ("You say things were fine and this came out of the blue. That suggests to me that either it's been weighing on him longer than he let on, or something happened that triggered him and led him to raise the issue with you.") i think that part about it weighing on him for a long time might be somewhat true,I too was in a long distance relationship and i was in the exact position he is in and my reason for feeling such was not cause of another girl or cause i lost the love i had for her or anything like that ,it was cause of other reasons that had nothing to do with her but cause of the things i was going through that i had to go through alone and she couldnt help me with and i knew that and i couldnt keep up the act that i was okay and everything was okay when i clearly wasnt .

 

So i think there is more going on here ,I think the best way is to talk to him to find out whats really going on and there might be things that are going on that are affecting him in a big way ,bigger than you can image and in a way might be too many things on his plate and he might just need time to himself to figure somethings out.I suggest being open to whatever he has to say and to try to understand where he is coming from .

 

After all we are at that age where we still figuring ourselves out and what to make of everything and figuring out whats best for us .

Hope it helps and im curious to know how things go

I would appreciate it if you write back :smug:

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