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Is this a hopeless situation. I need help


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It's nearly 11pm, I'm staying up because I have a few things I want to get done before work tomorrow. Well that was the plan anyway, go in on Tuesday after the bank holiday all refreshed and ready for the week.

 

Instead here I am, writing this, because my mind is racing, I can’t concentrate on anything but this. It bubbles up all the time and takes over all thought processes, especially in the evenings, when I’m usually most productive.

 

His name is Finn, he joined my current company just over a year ago now, when he joined he was fairly chatty, what I would call a typical ‘lad’, not super intelligent. Just noisy and disrupting really.

 

Yet, he had this energy, it became apparent so quickly. He would burst out with random phrases, walk around with this huge presence. He was confident and almost cocky. Yet, he also seemed interested in me. He would lean in to see what I was working on, take an interest in my life, tell me jokes.

 

He did this with everyone and I watched the entire workplace warm towards him. This energy, this vibrance. Yet underneath it all, he was young and somewhat naive. He didn’t really enjoy the job, this was obvious after just a few months.

 

Months went by and I felt more and more drawn to him. Attractive…yes, actually really attractive, why can’t I stop staring? He went to the gym a lot, counted his protein intake, always commented on other women…how attracted he was to them. His testosterone level must have been off the scale. I wondered if he thought I was attractive too? Did he look at me in the same way I looked at him? I found myself asking these questions more and more frequently. We grew closer and I tried to mimic his energy. We went running together, joined the same gym, discussed the next challenge. He was all I could think about.

 

Yet…I was engaged, due to get married in just a couple of months, what was I doing?

 

He was in a long term relationship.

 

Both of us were not available. Yet both of us were unhappy. Finn tried to end his relationship. He announced to his girlfriend it was over. I announced to my fiancé that I didn’t want to get married. This crazy energy poured through my veins. I felt like this excited schoolgirl, we could run away together, be free and wild. This man that fills me with so much energy. Yet he’s so vain, young and so obsessed with every female, why do I even like him? It goes against everything.

 

He didn’t walk away from his relationship, it hurt him too much. He went back to her within days of ending it. I couldn’t walk away from my fiancé, it ripped me apart. What was I doing? We’d been together for nearly 7 years, everything was great with us. What is wrong with me and why do I feel so sick. I can’t eat anything, my stomach feels like it has dried up? Finn leaves my current company.

 

Yet I get married, go through with the wedding. It’s beautiful, a perfect day. I try to push Finn from my thoughts. The honeymoon is amazing, hmm, I haven't been on social media for ages, maybe I should post a picture of myself online. Maybe he will see it?

 

I think back to the evening of the wedding, Finn was there. I’d been married just hours but my heart raced when he walked into the wedding venue.

 

It’s now a couple of months since the wedding. After seeking advice from a close friend, I decided to be honest with Finn. I told him how I felt, maybe if I let it out I could finally move on, it’s like a poison taking over my mind.

Silence.

He didn’t talk to me for 2 days. I resisted the urge to chase. I left him be. Those 2 days felt like 2 weeks.

 

He finally spoke to me, told me I was a fool to get married, admitted he had feelings for me too and that I was his ‘weakness’. What does that mean? I’m his mistake waiting to happen?

 

We agree to be adults and go on with our lives. Stay friends but not to act on our urges.

 

I feel empty everyday. Guilt eats away at me, why can’t I see how lucky I am? My husband loves me. Yet here I sit, my husband in bed, I’m unable to sleep and I’m now underweight. Food is not enjoyable anymore, a lot of things aren’t.

 

I’ve carried on with the running and the gym, throwing myself into it harder than ever, secretly hoping I’ll see his car pull up in the car park. He posted photos today, of him and his girlfriend, smiling and happy. It’s been just over a month since the dreaded conversation.

 

I keep crying when I drive home from work, it's the only time I get completely on my own…apart from now of course.

 

Can someone please help. I know I’m an awful person, I’m not looking for sympathy. I just want to forget him, go back to how things were and appreciate what I have.

 

This is ruining my life.

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jessie I think you should seek an annulment. Your marriage is technically a fraud, so you'd qualify. And your husband deserves a woman who feels about him the way you feel about Finn.

 

Re Finn, I don't know. I mean I know how you feel, but it's hard to know how he truly feels since he hasn't posted and we're only hearing it second hand.

 

But in any event, your marriage is a sham, and totally unfair to your husband and you as well.

 

You are not an awful person, you made a mistake, learn from it.

 

I'm sorry.

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We agree to be adults and go on with our lives.
Be a real adult and get your marriage annulled.

 

An undying crush could be argued immature or foolish, but on its own is harmless. Getting married to someone who trusts you in both your physical and emotional fidelity while harboring said crush and even having such conversations with them is, frankly, cruel.

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Do you really think annulment is the only way to deal with this? I still love my husband

I feel empty everyday. Guilt eats away at me, why can’t I see how lucky I am? My husband loves me. Yet here I sit, my husband in bed, I’m unable to sleep and I’m now underweight. Food is not enjoyable anymore, a lot of things aren’t.
Well, "love" is certainly one word to describe that.

 

Be a decent person.

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When I read something like this I come to a pretty simple conclusion—namely that you never genuinely wanted to marry your husband, and that those feelings, those doubts, probably existed long before Finn entered your life.

 

Maybe you stayed in the relationship because you thought that's what you were "supposed" to do, because he was a "good guy" and it's "bad" to leave good guys, or maybe because you've never been on your own and that thought petrified you more than excited you, or maybe...

 

Well, you know your history, your head and heart and loins. But to allow a little crush like this to get so deep under your skin—well, it just requires a very specific quality of youth, immaturity, lack of experience, and a deep, long-suppressed thirst. Basically stuff most people work through long before getting married, or even in a long-term relationship.

 

So, what to do now?

 

I'd say end the marriage, like others. It's new, you're already miserable, and you're treating your husband pretty miserably already. Finn's a dead-end—young guy, some swagger, knows it, works it—but he represents something of importance to you. It may take a good while to figure out what it is—even if it's just being able to scratch an itch you later laugh at your need to scratch—but those aren't questions you can explore inside a marriage.

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I totally disagree that you never wanted to marry your husband and instead suspect that you were quite happy with him until you let down boundaries and allowed "Finn" to dazzle you with his science.

 

Girl... don't tell your husband, don't be that cruel and get yourself into counseling to find out why you are effing up your entire life the way you are doing.

 

First get yourself to your family doctor and tell him about your anxiety. Perhaps a mild anti-anxiety med will settle you down enough to e able eat (snap out of it) *gives Moonstruck whack* and perhaps actually get you doing something to get you moving on working on your lack of love of self and educate you on personal boundaries and how they keep any one of us safe from situations like this.

 

Therapy will help you to forget Finn once you understand whats going on within you and why you let down romantic relationship boundaries and allowed yourself to become vulnerable to a man that was not your partner... a flirt and a (sounds like) player at that.

 

Being together for 7 years wherein "everything was great?" Yes... snap the eff out of it and leave thoughts of Finn in the dustbin where they belong. Put your thoughts and focus back on the man you married and where everything was great.

Edited by ThatwasThen
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The grass is not greener on the other side. Work on your marriage. Your husband loves you which is priceless. Finn doesn't offer you anything yet your husband is giving you HIS life which speaks for itself. Consider Finn history. Remain respectful and know your boundaries with him.

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Re Moonstruck analogy -- Loretta ended up marring her "Finn." :)

 

Not suggesting that will happen here, in fact agree with blue re him having swagger and knowing how to work it w the ladies, but shyt like this does happen.

 

Jessie if you truly believe you love your husband for the right reasons, and don't want to end the marriage then get yourself into counseling for your anxiety and to figure out why you allowed this to happen on this deep a level.

 

Short of ending the marriage, I don't see how you have much choice.

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