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Outgrowing a friend


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My friend and I met exactly two years ago and we have been very close ever since. A big problem is that I was in the "partying stage" of my life when I met her (around 22 years old) and she has always had that life so we clicked and had a lot of fun together the past 2 years, but also a lot of toxic behaviours.

 

Lately I have been feeling depressed or in some sort of shift where I don't enjoy certain things I use to, like partying. I don't know if I don't enjoy these things because of depression or if I am truly outgrowing these things. I think it is a bit of both, as I look back at some of the things I did/situations I was in and wonder WHY I wanted to be in those situations. My perspective on many things are changing and I feel like I want to be someone who is classier and not a party girl who glorifies that scene as I did.

 

When I hangout with this friend, we still talk and get along, but I don't feel content. I feel unhappy afterwards usually and I just don't get the same fulfillment out of our friendship. I am noticing little things she does that annoy me, like the way she talks to people sometimes or how pushy she is. I use to think highly of her, as when we met, I was hoping to meet a friend I could have all the experiences of youth you're "supposed" to have since I missed out in high school and college due to social anxiety.

 

Recently, my friend has gotten her life together and is much more serious about her life and her future. We do not go out/party as much and I try to avoid it when she asks me to go out. She has definitely gotten much better and we are no where near where we were in our friendships 1-2 years ago in terms of being bad influences on each other. Which is why I decided to move in with her as we were both looking for apartments. I have lived alone for 2 years in a small apartment and have been craving a bigger space, and she is in a similar situation.

 

For some reason, I decided this would be a good idea: I have been checking out places for months in hopes of finding something bigger and being able to be in the same rent budget as I am now. So with the lease we signed, we would be sharing a two bedroom apartment and paying around what we are now for a much bigger place. I must have been in a really good mood/excited for any kind of change when I signed the lease, but the more I think about it, I don't think it is a good idea. This is especially because I wouldn't want it to ruin what friendship we might have left. Part of me thinks it is a good idea and to embrace a change, but there is also no reason to leave my current apartment, so if it doesn't work out, I will be regretting it. We BOTH are on this lease and she is already moved in and I am moving in in July. After seeing the place again, I realized it isn't as nice as I thought it was either. If I back out now, she would be furious with me and I would be f****** her over.

 

I absolutely should have thought about it more before agreeing. I just felt really excited and wanted any kind of change in life. I am having major cold feet and I don't think I can back out now without there being consequences. I don't know how it might affect our already dying friendship...any advice is appreciated!

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The lease was signed so you can't back out now unless you wish to be financially broke. If this is strictly a platonic friendship, remain an honorable gentleman, know your boundaries, be a good, respectful roommate and consider this a harsh lesson learned. You can still be mature and grow up while she is your roommate. If your partying days are over, respect how you feel and soldier on with a respectable life.

 

Hindsight is always 20 / 20. You can't constantly beat yourself up about this. Your friendship doesn't have to die. You can still remain cordial and kind. Enforce healthy boundaries with her and others and you will be fine. Be mature, grow up and do the right thing. Co-habitate harmoniously and peacefully. A year goes by fast. You can hang onto the friendship. Just know your bounds and limits. Be a class act and you will be alright.

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Would she be okay if you found her a suitable housemate to replace you? Obviously you'd need to look at the legal aspects of it. Personally, I wouldn't like someone breaking their word unless they had a justifiable reason for it.

 

What are all the positive aspects of moving in with her? Sometimes a reminder of the positives quells cold feet.

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It sounds like you might be second guessing yourself because that is your routine... If you suffer from anxiety, it is often hard to make concrete decisions on things that are as big as moving in with someone. You may have felt like signing the lease was in impulse decision, and it probably was. But, it was a decision you made and you now must honor it.

 

If your friend is maturing, maybe this won't be such a bad thing. Perhaps living with her will give you perspective on how you want to mature. Learn from this situation and allow yourself to grow. Don't rush into throwing away your friendship; let nature do its thing!

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There are always two sides to a decision like this. I think what you are experiencing is normal, having come from being excited about the move, to now considering any possible down sides.

Does it mean not move in with her? I can't tell

But you have signed the lease and you are going in with your eyes open.

Personally, I chose my first roommate due to the fact that we weren't close friends and we didn't socialize together.

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I absolutely should have thought about it more before agreeing. I just felt really excited and wanted any kind of change in life. I am having major cold feet and I don't think I can back out now without there being consequences. I don't know how it might affect our already dying friendship...any advice is appreciated!

 

It's not unusual to be nervous about a big change like this. But how can you be an adult if you don't honor your commitments, deal with consequences, and make the best out of the situations you get yourself into? Life skills, girl. Life skills.

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