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No that's fair enough.

 

I should have been stronger and been the one to end this a long time ago. Was engaged to this girl. The highs were beyond my wildest dreams. Not had many girlfriends and she would always criticise that and say that was because of me. I should've been more mature and not unintentionally added to the toxicity. But sometimes when you're in the eye of the storm you can't always see a way out.

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I try not to see it as a weakness. But just someone I loved and still do.

 

I'll just stay on the throttle a bit longer here.

 

"Just" seeing this as someone you loved and still do is weakness, because it's outsourcing self-reflection and accountability to the cosmos. Admitting that a weakness in you that you don't fully understand draws you into this kind of dynamic is strength, because it's having the stones to open up the hood, admit the engine isn't running property, and go to work to learn why it's stalling out.

 

I'm not trying to negate the reality of your "love" here, but I am challenging you to expand your definition of love—and even, perhaps, to see that the love you're describing here is fueled by a lot of darkness: self-loathing, fear, feelings of worthlessness—on her side and on yours. We all have those spices in our emotional cabinet—some more than others—but we don't need them to give the stew its flavor.

 

As for those wild highs? Try to have some perspective on them. Just as I am the world tallest man to an infant, it does not take much to feel high when the baseline is being trashed, emotionally and physically. That's the trick, you see? You get calibrated quickly in these sorts of things to think some base level stuff (someone being kind, someone having great sex with you) is profound when it's really just point of entry stuff. It's like dating someone who is illiterate and then being "wildly high" when they learn to read a road sign.

 

I'm not judging—believe me. That would be some pot-kettle hypocrisy. I haven't been as deep down this path as you are, but I've tasted it. I know what I'm drawn to out there—a wild, hard, fast, challenging ride, in all realms of life—and here and there I've gotten twisted around looking for it in the wrong places and with the wrong people. What I have learned is not to romanticize it in order to stay in it. Once you can sniff out a certain kind of cray-cray that triggers the cray-cray in you, it stops feeling "wild" and just feels straight up boring. And when you get there, I promise you, you'll find yourself on much wilder rides because the train stays on the tracks and keeps going somewhere new, surprising you without the fear that it might go off a cliff.

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Just a quick message to say thanks for the recent replies.

 

Particularly like the last comment.

 

The therapy is going well. Helps we to understand somewhat as to why I still care for her. Cause I can't work it out on my own. Therapist says it's still early days and not to try and rush the recovery.

 

I've blocked her but a lot of people to me are saying she's probably gonna try and contact me somehow. Despite her I think (can't be sure) being with this uni mate of hers now. Poor sod!! I guess these kinda girls always have someone else lined up. Which isn't really normal I guess!

 

Thanks

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No that's fair enough.

 

I should have been stronger and been the one to end this a long time ago. Was engaged to this girl. The highs were beyond my wildest dreams. Not had many girlfriends and she would always criticise that and say that was because of me. I should've been more mature and not unintentionally added to the toxicity. But sometimes when you're in the eye of the storm you can't always see a way out.

 

Just a quick message to say thanks for the recent replies.

 

Particularly like the last comment.

 

The therapy is going well. Helps we to understand somewhat as to why I still care for her. Cause I can't work it out on my own. Therapist says it's still early days and not to try and rush the recovery.

 

I've blocked her but a lot of people to me are saying she's probably gonna try and contact me somehow. Despite her I think (can't be sure) being with this uni mate of hers now. Poor sod!! I guess these kinda girls always have someone else lined up. Which isn't really normal I guess!

 

Thanks

 

Marty you’re responding as if you are digesting everything but it’s not quite going down , like youre right there but you haven’t let that last little bit go.

 

I mentioned your ego needing some stroking, the reason I clued in on that is you are taking every opportunity to label her ‘crazy’ which hey your prerogative but in the grand scheme of things the huge blaring fact youre conveniently avoiding is you chose her, you chose her, you chose her and you continue to choose her, you have to disengaged. The opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference, it truly does not appear you are there yet which you admit. I’m glad you’re working with a therapist and if he’s good which it sounds like he is he will help you unpack all this, she’s going to be who she is, that’s truly no longer your concern, what drew you to her is the task you need to solve. Her issues are hers, your issue is yours, you can’t fix her you can’t even make her feel bad she is going to do what she’s going to do, but you can fix you.

 

I wish you luck, one day at a time, try to avoid focusing on her , even bashing her, negative energy is still wasted energy.

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