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Hi all,

 

So a couple weeks ago my ex basically just got her uni friend (a guy) to pick her up and not seen her since. She lost her licence to drink driving.

 

It was a very toxic/coercive control relationship from her. Insulting me, what I wore, saying I have no friends, my family hate me. Would split with me briefly and one time tell me she slept with someone and how he ed her real good. That hurt so bad. She's an alcoholic but doesn't think she is, has depression and bad anxiety. Craves attention from guys. Needs so much love due to not a great childhood. Would threaten to kill herself. Always rung and text asking where I was what I was doing, who I was with etc. You get the picture. Hit me many times.

 

4-5 weeks ago we were coming home. She starts beating me in the head. I stopped and asked her at least 5 times to get out the car. She wouldn't. I gave her a gentle nudge and she fell to ground. In the panic/stress/worry of what had just happened I drove on and my back wheel went over her left knee.

 

Of course I felt awful. But she's made me out to be some sort of woman beater. Has threatened and blackmailed me with the police about it. And recently has reported it. I was taken to police station which was scary as never been in trouble before. This was nearly two weeks ago now.

 

Not heard anymore. I'm hoping and keeping my fingers crossed I won't. And maybe cause she realises I've got plenty of stuff, with evidence on her.

 

Does anyone have any comforting words. Life been a bit crap lately! Having therapy for this whole ordeal which is helping.

 

Stupidly still miss her loads but apparently that's normal. Were engaged last year. Want to contact her, but I'd hazard a guess that's what she's probably wanting to happen?

 

Thanks,

 

Matt

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Do. Not. Ever. Contact. Her. Again.

 

She is a psycho.

 

Keep doing you, and without any real evidence you should be okay. You haven't been arrested, your therapist has heard your story, and you have evidence of her being the abusive one. Just try to live your life the best you can. If you ever hear from her again, immediately get a restraining order.

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Thank you for your reply LikeWater. It's appreciated. I look back and question if there was anything I could've done differently for it to not end in such a crap way. She'd blame me for why she got angry. Say I'm selfish and only think about myself. Say I wasn't enough or man enough for her. Never really understood these kind of remarks.

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P.S She has pics and a few texts that state this happened. I'm not hiding anything. I went down to the police on my own accord showing I had nothing to hide. I have pics of what she's done to me. Incredibly abusive messages on my phone from her.

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She isn't the problem. The problem you need to deal with is why you would put up with someone mistreating you so terribly. You can't possibly love someone who treats you like this. You're more addicted to her than anything else.

 

Work on getting a sense of self worth and don't allow anyone to browbeat you. You don't need that.

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If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you cannot deal with those who are mentally ill. Stay away and get rid of those who are nothing but a drag, high drama and non-peace loving. All bad apples must go. Be with those who will treat you with utmost respect. Everyone else is garbage!

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Please try and focus on the reality of this situation. Any time you miss her, think fondly on a memory, or any positive you try and extract from a hellhole, use that evidence to your own mental benefit. Remind yourself always that she's the one who would tear you down, beat you, and that she ws the exact recipe on how to ruin your life. Keep going to therapy, it'll help more and more as you go over it all.

 

And please, don't ever let a relationship get anywhere near this point again.

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You're definitely not weird. The weird thing about all of us, when we onced loved someone, is how easy it is to put blinders on towards the bad, and the distorted, out of proportion remembrance of the good parts.

 

Have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome? If not, read up on it.

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If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that you cannot deal with those who are mentally ill. Stay away and get rid of those who are nothing but a drag, high drama and non-peace loving. All bad apples must go. Be with those who will treat you with utmost respect. Everyone else is garbage!

 

Mentally ill is too broad a stroke. The OP himself might have a mental illness. Please don't confuse mentally ill with specific mental issues that are dangerous and destructive.

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In the panic/stress/worry of what had just happened I drove on and my back wheel went over her left knee.

 

 

Dude! If the wheel of your car drove over her knee, that is an extremely serious situation, her knee, ligaments surrounding would have been totally crushed and shattered, did you take her to hospital or call an ambulance?

 

Also, I realize it was an accident but you can expect her to file a civil lawsuit for hospital, doctor, physical therapy expenses as well as pain and suffering (punitive damages) which tend to be quite high.

 

Your insurance should pay but your premiums will skyrocket. So good luck w that.

 

Other than that, agree w others, this is a very toxic relationship, in which you are both to blame imo.

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I drove on and my back wheel went over her left knee.

I'm really interested in this part. If the wheel went over her knee, it would be completely crushed and she'd have a devastating injury which could take months and months to heal and she'll probably have many issues with that knee for years to come. Did you at least call for an ambulance?

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Dude! If the wheel of your car drove over her knee, that is an extremely serious situation, her knee, ligaments surrounding would have been totally crushed and shattered, did you take her to hospital or call an ambulance?

 

Also, I realize it was an accident but you can expect her to file a civil lawsuit for hospital, doctor, physical therapy expenses as well as pain and suffering (punitive damages) which tend to be quite high.

 

Your insurance should pay but your premiums will skyrocket. So good luck w that.

 

Other than that, agree w others, this is a very toxic relationship, in which you are both to blame imo.

 

I'm really interested in this part. If the wheel went over her knee, it would be completely crushed and she'd have a devastating injury which could take months and months to heal and she'll probably have many issues with that knee for years to come. Did you at least call for an ambulance?

 

Agree with this, I actually read it as ankle and had to go back because I can’t imagine how one would accidentally run over someone’s knee, I hope you come back to clarify.

 

Either way I’m not participating in bashing her, not with the limited info given. At most I’ll say this was a mutually destructive situation and thank goodness it’s over.

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I mean... punching someone in the head while they're operating a 2500+ lbs. vehicle is pretty bad in terms of both abuse and sheer self-preservation. I happen to be someone who, while not justifying it, doesn't believe every act of violence just falls out of the sky, but it'd be impressive if you could draw some even vague causation there.

 

Still, there is a whole lot of "how?" going on. She's refusing to get out of the car but has her seatbelt off and car door open for you to shove her out? She falls out in a way half her legs are lying flat under the car? You flat our run over her knees and it's just a topic of passive aggressive jabbing for her? There's a good reason a good number of folks are caught up on this specific detail. I could maybe envision her leaning in from out the door and slapping / punching the **** out of you, and you panicking and stepping on the pedal for her to stumble and get caught beneath, but that's not the impression I got from your account of things.

 

I don't know. Giving you the most benefit I possibly can, it's just as much for the potential incrimination inflicting injury while defending yourself as it is for the damage a partner could inflict on you that you should cut the cord the moment abuse presents itself. But rarely, if ever, have I seen a healthy individual just catching themselves in a relationship where they're getting punched in the head by their partner while driving. That's not to victim blame, but whether it's for a mutually toxic dynamic or your own mental / emotional complications leaving you vulnerable, I'd strongly encourage some professional help for yourself.

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Thank you for your reply LikeWater. It's appreciated. I look back and question if there was anything I could've done differently for it to not end in such a crap way. She'd blame me for why she got angry. Say I'm selfish and only think about myself. Say I wasn't enough or man enough for her. Never really understood these kind of remarks.

 

There's nothing you could've done differently except from getting away from this much sooner. Crazy is crazy and reveals itself crazy no matter what you do.

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Agree with this, I actually read it as ankle and had to go back because I can’t imagine how one would accidentally run over someone’s knee, I hope you come back to clarify.

 

Either way I’m not participating in bashing her, not with the limited info given. At most I’ll say this was a mutually destructive situation and thank goodness it’s over.

 

I now read the knee part better... I also don't understand, so she was inside the car hitting you in the head while you drove and wouldn't get out, but then she finally got out and you gave her a nudge (how? With the car?) and she fell down and then you wan over her knee? Autch!

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Hi all,

 

Went to hospital. Nothing was broken. She was just told to rest. Which she found difficult so it's probably taking longer to heal than usual as she was walking on it fairly soon after. Was just the one leg. I was concerned for my safety. She could've picked up a pen on the dash and stabbed me with it. Not justifying anything. Just trying to get across my worry. Suffered a huge amount of abuse from her over the past year and a half.

 

Just checked facebook and she's just sent me a friend request!!!! What's that mean??

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This alone is enough to end this for good and completely delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps. Cut loose, let go, move forward. Do not jump into problems and messes like this. She needs rehab not a bf. Continue therapy and sort all this out, explore why this type of mess and damaged goods appealed to you in the first place. Date women, not projects you think you can fix or rescue.

She lost her licence to drink driving. She's an alcoholic but doesn't think she is, has depression and bad anxiety.
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Hi all,

 

Went to hospital. Nothing was broken. She was just told to rest. Which she found difficult so it's probably taking longer to heal than usual as she was walking on it fairly soon after. Was just the one leg. I was concerned for my safety. She could've picked up a pen on the dash and stabbed me with it. Not justifying anything. Just trying to get across my worry. Suffered a huge amount of abuse from her over the past year and a half.

 

Just checked facebook and she's just sent me a friend request!!!! What's that mean??

 

She wants to be able to continue to abuse you.

 

It's not easy for abusers to find someone who will accept or participate in their abuse. She doesn't want to have to search for someone so she circles back to you.

 

Sorry, it's not because she just loves you so gosh darned much.

 

And warning: if you choose to go back, expect the charges to stick next time.

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Hi everyone,

 

Appreciate all comments in reply to my post on here. Yes some not easy to read but they all make complete sense.

 

She then took away friend request. But now she has unblocked me and posted a pic of a guy she is staying with at his parents with him snuggling his dog in bed. Think someone is playing games. I don't rise to this stuff though. I've blocked her. I would imagine if you were completely over someone you wouldn't behave like this. Quite childish.

 

Thanks again everyone.

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I don't rise to this stuff though.

 

You are rising to this stuff though. You're rising to it by posting about it here, trying to get others to analyze a friend request, a friend request taken back, a pivot from blocked to unblocked, a snuggly post. You're giving power to noise, to nonsense.

 

The story that you don't rise to this stuff is a comforting one. It makes her the "crazy" one and you the sane one. And, yeah, at least from what you've written I'd say that if I attached each of you to my trusted Craydar she'd set off the bigger blips.

 

But some part of you is drawn to this—something that existed before she came along and that she knows how to exploit on an intuitive level. Without that dynamic this is a relationship that lasts a month or so, that comes to a hard end the first time she hits you, rather than extending into years and engagement and ending—hopefully—with nearly running her over with your car.

 

You're in therapy—great. Stay that course, hard. Find that thing inside of you, get intimate with it so others can't exploit it in a way that feels like intimacy. Get intimate with it so you demystify it, so you not only stop rising to this stuff moving forward but you see it all as stuff to just walk away from, head up, shoulders back, no emotional energy expended in trying to find the symphony in the noise.

 

I hope that doesn't sound harsh. I've gotten tangled up in some thorny situations myself romantically—dynamics that forced me to get surgical on my psyche and patch up the places where certain people can get under my skin. It's a tough journey, always ongoing, but a rewarding one.

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No not harsh at all.

 

I have no idea why 'admittedly' I'm still drawn into what is probably a hold she has over me. I'll be the very first to admit that. I try not to see it as a weakness. But just someone I loved and still do. I know to fix myself I need to keep being strong and not give in and contact her. I'm not gonna lie it is bloody hard but in the long run the best thing for me. I'm just hoping and praying I don't cave in and text/call her. Csuse that is probably what she wants. But I won't give it to her.

 

Thanks

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Hi everyone,

 

Appreciate all comments in reply to my post on here. Yes some not easy to read but they all make complete sense.

 

She then took away friend request. But now she has unblocked me and posted a pic of a guy she is staying with at his parents with him snuggling his dog in bed. Think someone is playing games. I don't rise to this stuff though. I've blocked her. I would imagine if you were completely over someone you wouldn't behave like this. Quite childish.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Agree with blue, you are definitely rising to the occasion. That precisely why I responded the way I did, this isn’t one sided, as much as you want it to be so your ego can get some stroking until she comes back and you can jump back on the roller coaster... you have got to get out of this and get some therapy...

 

My ex would beat the crap out of me. kicks in the face. punches, you name it he did it but I’d be a dirty liar if I sat here and said it was all him, our interactions were toxic and I may not have been throwing punches, but I was sparing with him, most toxic relationships dont have one person just losing their mind and acting crazy. Emotional healthy people wouldn’t stay long enough for all that to happen, that’s the reality... broken seeks broken, broken latches onto broken, broken gets on a message board questioning a friend request and calling it games as they get their mit and bat ready to join the game...

 

Time to take ownership and work towards disengaging.

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