EASE Posted May 23, 2019 Share Posted May 23, 2019 Hi, to help understand the context... 4 years ago; I met this girl and we dated for roughly 8 months and I sired a son with her; we did not last; a lot of factors -our families and their opinions on religion; I was young finding myself-typical 20 something behavior and lifestyle. Pretty toxic relationship: -on again off again - focused on flaws In the end no one is to blame. But breaking things off left me in a major depression-losing contact with her and my unborn son (at that time not thinking;I'd be able to meet or see him) After a year of excessive drinking, hating everyone - I realized: I was blaming everyone for what happened except the person truely responsible: me So after tremendous effort and emotional pain, moving one step forward and two back- I started working on my flaws- the ones she identified and the ones I found I did not like in myself and worked on them. I also worked on things that were a problem in our relationship: -finances; I am not an extremely rich man;but i do earn more than most my age that I know of - finances is now the least of my troubles if I can state it like that. -emotional strength to be supportive and be calm in all situations. -my listening and communication skills to hear what someone says or needs and express my own feelings and thoughts. Though I accomplished alot; I am continuously improving myself -an eternal endeavour I am afraid. I did not go looking for love; but last year I met up with a girl I knew from a previous relationship(we were dating siblings- she the brother and I the sister) and it just grew from there. But recently the mother of my son and I started speaking again on social media (my girlfriend is aware of this and that i have a son)about how our son is, what he is up to, if he needs anything, etc... (And I am going to see my son on my next holiday) I asked her once if i could ask her something And she replied something like: Do you want to know if I have a boyfriend? And once: That I was always a really good person When I told her I was sorry about who I was then and that she is a great mom for carrying on through it all, and that i would change certain things if I had the power to;but I will always love my son She is getting married soon I am really happy; that she is happy and someone accepts her and our son But I am torn: there is a part of me that wants her back; because I want to have a family with my son and his mother- is it that I truely want to have them or is it an ego thing? Where I want to prove that I became what she never thought I could be. And I also have strong feelings for my current girlfriend albeit I am more reserved and careful with letting people in - I feel something broke inside me that didn't quite heal right; I can see us ending up married and she is a wonderful person; part of me thinks she is way better than I ever truely deserve and I don't want to ever fail her- i am scared because I don't know what to do so my whole monologue comes down to: -do I have these reservations because I want to punish myself for the person I was in the past and the failures I had and the woman and child I failed? -How and should I let the feelings for my ex go? Why do I have them? Does she feel anything for me or has she moved on completely? -How can I come to terms with the fact that there is a woman who loves me for being who I am and accepts me with all my flaws and past decisions Any answers, input or advice would be appreciated Thanks Link to comment
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