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Hi, to help understand the context...


4 years ago; I met this girl and we dated for roughly 8 months and I sired a son with her; we did not last; a lot of factors -our families and their opinions on religion; I was young finding myself-typical 20 something behavior and lifestyle.

Pretty toxic relationship:

-on again off again

- focused on flaws

In the end no one is to blame.

But breaking things off left me in a major depression-losing contact with her and my unborn son (at that time not thinking;I'd be able to meet or see him)


After a year of excessive drinking, hating everyone - I realized: I was blaming everyone for what happened except the person truely responsible: me

So after tremendous effort and emotional pain, moving one step forward and two back- I started working on my flaws- the ones she identified and the ones I found I did not like in myself and worked on them.

I also worked on things that were a problem in our relationship:

-finances; I am not an extremely rich man;but i do earn more than most my age that I know of - finances is now the least of my troubles if I can state it like that.

-emotional strength to be supportive and be calm in all situations.

-my listening and communication skills to hear what someone says or needs and express my own feelings and thoughts.


Though I accomplished alot; I am continuously improving myself -an eternal endeavour I am afraid.

I did not go looking for love; but last year I met up with a girl I knew from a previous relationship(we were dating siblings- she the brother and I the sister) and it just grew from there.


But recently the mother of my son and I started speaking again on social media (my girlfriend is aware of this and that i have a son)about how our son is, what he is up to, if he needs anything, etc...


(And I am going to see my son on my next holiday)


I asked her once if i could ask her something

And she replied something like: Do you want to know if I have a boyfriend?

And once:

That I was always a really good person

When I told her I was sorry about who I was then and that she is a great mom for carrying on through it all, and that i would change certain things if I had the power to;but I will always love my son


She is getting married soon

I am really happy; that she is happy and someone accepts her and our son


But I am torn: there is a part of me that wants her back; because I want to have a family with my son and his mother- is it that I truely want to have them or is it an ego thing? Where I want to prove that I became what she never thought I could be.


And I also have strong feelings for my current girlfriend albeit I am more reserved and careful with letting people in - I feel something broke inside me that didn't quite heal right; I can see us ending up married and she is a wonderful person; part of me thinks she is way better than I ever truely deserve and I don't want to ever fail her- i am scared because I don't know what to do


so my whole monologue comes down to:

-do I have these reservations because I want to punish myself for the person I was in the past and the failures I had and the woman and child I failed?


-How and should I let the feelings for my ex go? Why do I have them?

Does she feel anything for me or has she moved on completely?


-How can I come to terms with the fact that there is a woman who loves me for being who I am and accepts me with all my flaws and past decisions


Any answers, input or advice would be appreciated


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You need to set up formal child support and custody/visitation if you want to be in your son's life on a regular, consistent and meaningful basis. As far as your child's mother, let it go she's getting married. However you still need to step up and pay child support regularly and visit the child in a consistent manner taking responsibility for both of these things. Contacting the mother sending money now and then and visiting here and there does more harm than good.. Try now at least to be a good father.

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A child never gets over a biological parent not being around--not caring enough to regularly see them. Right this wrong right now. Get legal papers for paying child support and regular visitation schedules set up. Limit discussions with your ex to discussions solely about your child. No more talks about you two as a couple in the past. That ship has sailed. Train your brain to think of her as the mother of your child only, and don't hold out hope for more.


With time and keeping these boundaries, you will be able to emotionally move on. I'd suggest not being on social media with her and looking at her pictures, etc. Just keep it to phone calls about your arrangements with your son. Take care.

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But I am torn: there is a part of me that wants her back; because I want to have a family with my son and his mother- is it that I truely want to have them or is it an ego thing? Where I want to prove that I became what she never thought I could be.


It's probably a bit of both OP and I lean towards this being more about you wanting a good relationship with your son vs. getting back together with the mom. I think it's awesome that you are communicating, keep the lines of communication open with her. Avoid talking about your relationship regrets with her and focus on the needs of your son. Seek legal counsel to see what your options are, and ideally, see if custody and child support arrangements can be worked out amicably between the two of you.

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I think what you are feeling the most is regret. It is a very real feeling, that is founded on a bunch of very fake feelings. "If I had been better" "If things had worked out differently".


You came to a fork in the road and went to the right instead of the left. You wonder what may have been on that other path. But looking back you are going to miss how to make the path you are actually on better. Focus on your new futures - how to have a good relationship with your ex and your kid as his father, and how to have good relationships with women in the future (whether that is your current gf or someone else if that one doesn't work out).


You may not be getting the second chance you hoped for, but life has given you a kind of a second chance anyway. You didn't think you'd see your boy again. You didn't think you would heal from the pain of the breakup or find yourself dating someone who seems really special to you, despite some longing you may still have for the past.


See what you can do with the second chance that you didn't think you would have. Stop punishing yourself - you can't have "failed" if the story isn't over.

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