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I met the guy in late November. He was my new neighbor. By late February we got married. It was quick but at the time it felt like the right thing to do. He’s 40 and I am 31. We got married before I let him move in because he had to pay 50% of his way, that was my rule, my morals. When I decided I wanted to married him he had a job, not full time but he worked a few days here and there under the table since he’s on disability. He was working for the landlords around the property, kinda like a handy man. They stopped using him since he kept calling in sick (I think he was not really sick but being lazy). So, I wouldn’t let him move in yet because his disability alone won’t pay half the bills. We were already married before he got fired. I am someone who needs my space, my time alone. I’m very independent with a great job and he’s very codependent. He had a key to MY place and would come and go as he pleased, even when I had he doors dead bolted he’d still try to get in. I told him he needed to stop doing that, to give me my space and that he doesn’t live there yet. He’d throw a hissy fit then agree and next thing you know he was doing it again as if I never asked him to stop. Finally a few months went by and he said he got a full time job under the table doin roofing. I thought that was great! So I decided it was time for him to move in, even though I was concerned about my space issues. He was already going into my place all day when I wasn’t home so might as well get half the bills paid out of it. Sure enough a few days after the move in the roofing guy no longer needed his help. I had a feeling he knew it wasn’t full time but just wanted to move in. He can only pay half the rent with his disability. I started learning he’s not really disabled but he fudged to get it. I pay all utilities, food and supply’s. I calculated that I pay about $500 more a month than he does. All he does is sit around, watch TV and smoke weed all day. He does help around like cleaning a little and dishes, but that’s almost like having a house wife. I’m sure you’re thinking (well he’s your husband and you should support him). I don’t see the marriage like he does. I don’t see it as “us” and “we” like he does. When I get home from work (I work in construction) I never get a moment to myself even though I ask him for some space. Before he moved in he said he’d give me space when needed and he’d go next door and hang out with his old roommates, no problem. Two days ago when I finally had enough and said I needed space he started crying and throwing a pitty party like a kid and said he didn’t want to go next door because its “icky”. He cried and cried and it repulsed me. I was so turned off and it made me want to repel him more. I had no idea things would turn out like this. A few months ago I was happy and in-love. My mind and heart took a 360 and now I just want to be alone. I don’t want to break up or necessarily divorce but I wish I could rewind time to before he moved in and set more boundaries as far as him just walking in my place. I don’t see the apartment as “our” apparent, I see it as mine and everything in it. Should I ask him to move back next door? I’m worried that would kill the entire relationship. He’s not on my lease. Is this something that will pass or get worse? Is he taking advantage of me because he knows I make way more money than him? Is it because when he lived next door he lived with 2 other guys and it was a mess and my place is very nice? Someone please tell me what to do, because I feel like I’m losing my mind.

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Basically ,you married a stranger of course it’s a mistake. When you marry things are no longer just yours . If the apartment and everything in it is yours why should he even bother ?

 

For all that is sanity just divorce and carry on with the single life.

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If marriage isn’t an “us” to you, I have to ask: what is it?

 

I don’t know. I’m trying to figure that out. I thought I was someone who’d never get married. But for some reason it felt like the right thing to do, for emotional security and safety. I want to go back to having our own place, maybe even get an annulment. But I know I don’t want to break up completely.

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Basically ,you married a stranger of course it’s a mistake. When you marry things are no longer just yours . If the apartment and everything in it is yours why should he even bother ?

 

For all that is sanity just divorce and carry on with the single life.

 

I’d like to get an annulment but still be together, take a big step back but not end it 100% because I do deeply care for him and enjoy him but not like this. Not as a live in stay at home husband.

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You married someone you knew for 3 months. Yes, you made a mistake.

 

[emoji20] I agree. I would like to take a step back and go back to living apart and get an annulment. I want to go back to being boy friend and girl friend

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Sad thing is, if I tell him he’s got to move out he doesn’t have anywhere to really go. They already replaced him next door so doubt he could move back there. And if I move out there’s not way he could afford the place or find someone to share a 1 bedroom apartment with.

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you married someone you have known for 3 months without a real relationship, and you arent sure why there are issues?

umm...

 

I know why theirs issues and I know that was a big mistake getting married so soon. What could I do about it with out completely ending the relationship? I still see him as a boyfriend, not a husband. Probably because he behaves like a boy and not a man.

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I know why theirs issues and I know that was a big mistake getting married so soon. What could I do about it with out completely ending the relationship? I still see him as a boyfriend, not a husband. Probably because he behaves like a boy and not a man.

 

But in some ways it doesn't matter. He's legally your husband whether you see him as a boy or a man or a tadpole. Do you want a boyfriend who acts like a boy? (I didn't and yes marriage is different for us than it was when we were dating but that's also because before we were married we didn't have a child or officially live together -shortly after marriage, we lived together and became parents!).

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But in some ways it doesn't matter. He's legally your husband whether you see him as a boy or a man or a tadpole. Do you want a boyfriend who acts like a boy? (I didn't and yes marriage is different for us than it was when we were dating but that's also because before we were married we didn't have a child or officially live together -shortly after marriage, we lived together and became parents!).

 

How did you make the adjustment? We do not have a child, so that makes my decision a little less stressful because I don’t have to be worried about how it would effect a child. He uses the excuse that “this is how I was before we were married and you knew that” actually I didn’t because he was working when we got married and moved in. He says he’s happy sitting at home all day and he’s been doing it for 18 years since his disability started. I asked “doesn’t that make you feel lazy?” And things are different now that he’s a husband and not some single, stoner guy living with two other stoners who have no motivation. Maybe that’s why I don’t take the marriage seriously [emoji53]. I didn’t think of that before.

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What were you thinking? Yes you made a mistake and you married a big baby. Of course he's taking advantage of you. Your best option is annulment or divorce. I dont see a hope in hell of this lasting.

 

I guess I was wearing rose colored glasses, idk. I have no idea what I was thinking! [emoji31]. I wish I could rewind time to when we were living apart. Although even then he hardly gave me my space. I’d get off work or be cooking dinner then I’d hear him unlocking the door. Hated it. Do you think it’s possible to still be together after moving him out and getting an annulment?

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I guess I was wearing rose colored glasses, idk. I have no idea what I was thinking! [emoji31]. I wish I could rewind time to when we were living apart. Although even then he hardly gave me my space. I’d get off work or be cooking dinner then I’d hear him unlocking the door. Hated it. Do you think it’s possible to still be together after moving him out and getting an annulment?

Caring about someone is not a reason to stay together. What is the desperation about ?

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Caring about someone is not a reason to stay together. What is the desperation about ?

 

I guess I just miss the way things were in the very beginning. Before I gave him a key. When he was proud and working around the property. Seemed like different guy then. Then again when he got the roofing job and I was actually getting some time to myself when he was at work, that would actually make me miss him. It felt nice. But this anxiety I have doesn’t seem worth it. I’m also worried about how he’ll react to an annulment. He’s very very weak and sensitive. He’d be the kind to have a mental break down and hurt himself. Or maybe even try to hurt me. Who knows! Not me because I married him with out getting to know him.

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I may ruffle some feathers with this opinion and advice, but here goes, fwiw.

 

>>I don’t want to break up or necessarily divorce but I wish I could rewind time to before he moved in and set more boundaries as far as him just walking in my place.

 

You stated you still love him, he loves you, but you wish you could go back to just boyfriend/girlfriend, with each other you having your own place. That your RL worked beautifully that way!

 

So instead of divorcing and going back to bf/gf, why not simply discuss with your husband, redefining the terms of your marriage?

 

There is not a “one size fits all” re marriages, every couple defines it depending on what works for them, as a couple and individually.

 

In your case, you need a lot of space. Perhaps he does too, so a solution would be to live separately. Stay committed to your marriage but live separately. He can continue getting his sh** together, while you continue with your career, etc. Same thing you would be doing if you lived together, but in this case, you're living separately.

 

Many couples who prefer or require "space," do this believe it or not, it’s unconventional, but so what? There are married couples who actually conduct their marriages long distance too, there is no right or wrong, again it’s whatever works for “them.”

 

My ex bf and I lived together but had separate bedrooms! Our sex life was amazing pretty much till the end, that had nothing to do with it. And we often slept together too, but nevertheless, we each maintained our own separate space. It worked for us and we didn't give a flying fig what anyone else thought! lol

 

To negotiate this properly you may need a third party, like a marriage counselor. Discuss the options. Or maybe you can come to an agreement on your own, without the help of a third party.

 

Anyway, there is no law that states a married couple must live together in a conventional type marriage where they go home to each other every night to be happy and committed. And I don't see why you need to end the entire marriage when there are other options.

 

And you can always change your minds later down the road, and decide you do want to live together, if that's what you want.

 

Anyway that's my suggestion. Making the best of a very poor decision, and somehow making that decision work for both of you.

 

Best of luck!

Edited by katrina1980
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Lady, what the ****? Get the annulment. No, you don't salvage a relationship from there. It's done. It's one thing to get hitched after three or however few months. It's another to get married that soon only to despise him coming into your home (??????????). What's the point? Is he still an actual resident of the place next door? Is he supposed to be paying his rent there and 50% of your rent? You can try to kick him out, but whether he's on your lease or not, if he's been there 30 days, most states are going to consider him a legal resident, and should he have half the mind to Google his rights, he'll see he's entitled to a notice and eviction process. Regardless, whether he moves out peacefully tomorrow or drags it out, it's a process you should start sooner than later.

 

If you're making life decisions like this at 31, I'd strongly encourage you to pursue some therapy. You're otherwise only going to end up with guys like this, whose emotional maturity matches up to your own. There's so much "why" in your story to even go through.

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I don't quite understand why you would marry someone when your favorite part of being together was when you would miss him.

 

Forget going back to being bf/gf, I don't think you are compatible. Find someone who also likes time apart because this isn't going to be a compromise you are both happy with.

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You didn’t ruffle my feather at all! I really like that idea. I’d love to have separate bedrooms but 2 bedroom apartments are way out of our price range or else this probably wouldn’t be an issue. I just figured having him move out means no more married but i like that idea. I am not sure if he’s able to move back into his old place since they replaced him with a new roommate already, but maybe who knows I know that’s the only other place he could afford. I tried talking to him last night about how I’m not happy with the situation and he stared this crying feeling sorry for himself so I dropped the subject. He does that, throws a fit because he knows I’ll drop it or give in. I started telling him, him acting like that is being disrespectful towards me and not hearing my words or respecting what I have to say. I guess I just have to keep trying to have that conversation and maybe he’ll communicate back with me like an adult. Another option I’ve thought about is turning off the internet so he can’t sit around all day watching Hulu and Netflix. Maybe he’d get bored enough and actually try to get a job. Thank you for your suggestion.

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No don't turn off the internet, that sounds way to controlling. You're not his prison warden for heaven's sake, or worse his mother, you're his wife.

 

Just keep communicating and like I said, perhaps seek the help of a marriage counselor if the communications becomes too toxic, with him not being open to other options and crying feeling sorry for himself etc.

 

If that doesn't work, then yeah an annulment would be the best course of action.

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Lady, what the ****? Get the annulment. No, you don't salvage a relationship from there. It's done. It's one thing to get hitched after three or however few months. It's another to get married that soon only to despise him coming into your home (??????????). What's the point? Is he still an actual resident of the place next door? Is he supposed to be paying his rent there and 50% of your rent? You can try to kick him out, but whether he's on your lease or not, if he's been there 30 days, most states are going to consider him a legal resident, and should he have half the mind to Google his rights, he'll see he's entitled to a notice and eviction process. Regardless, whether he moves out peacefully tomorrow or drags it out, it's a process you should start sooner than later.

 

If you're making life decisions like this at 31, I'd strongly encourage you to pursue some therapy. You're otherwise only going to end up with guys like this, whose emotional maturity matches up to your own. There's so much "why" in your story to even go through.

 

I’d give him 30 days notice. And if he refuses to move then I will.

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