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I have been married to my husband for 14 years,2 kids 14 and 8 . he has always put his parents before me and our marriage. when my oldest was a baby we had to sit at his parents everynight weekends all day. since than he still needs to see his parents every weekend all day Saturday nothimg can be in the way of that. when. I try to talk to him about the issue he stops talking and walks off.

thing is I havent had a job in 13 years how do you start to leave when you have no job no where to go and no family to help ,i feel so trapped and I'm so tired of being so unhappy.

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It sounds like you've thought this through quite a bit. Considering leaving your spouse and the means to do so seems to have been on your mind for awhile. What types of jobs do you think you'd be interested in? It might be helpful to think about your priorities and what your limitations are (ie. what time for example do you need to be home by, part time vs full time). You might like to check in your local community about posted ads at churches, recreation centers, any local bulletins or look online for positions in your area. Think about any skills you may have. As a mother, you're probably very good at multi-tasking and making sure you're organized enough for your kids. Think of your skills and how you'd like to spend your working hours/what gives you joy or can pay the bills. Explore how you might want to go about this.

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It's common for those who are so dependent on another for basic survival to come to resent and loathe the one providing.

Start with your own end. You've placed yourself in this situation, you can also work your way out of it. Get on your own feet, provide a living for yourself and your kids. There's zero excuse not to. Get it out of your head that it's on him or anyone else to take care of you.

 

After you've done all that, then you are in an actual position to objectively decide if you want to stay together.

 

Fourteen years, you owe it at least that. Just my opinion.

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I think you are just bored!

When your youngest started school would have been the perfect time to get back into working.

Why didn’t you?

 

Since your husband goes to his parents on a Saturday, he can take the kids with him and you can get a Saturday job.

Problem solved. Retail, hospitality etc should be no problem to get a job on a Saturday. And you can tell them your weekday availability.

 

You are not a stay at home mom anymore. You are a mom that doesn’t work or have independence.

So go out and get it!

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It can be pretty hard to get a job when you're up against other candidates who've got current work experience, so while you're looking, why not consider volunteering at some places where you'd be able to gain some additional skills? It will help to improve your CV. If you can volunteer while your husband is with his parents then all the better!

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It can be pretty hard to get a job when you're up against other candidates who've got current work experience, so while you're looking, why not consider volunteering at some places where you'd be able to gain some additional skills? It will help to improve your CV. If you can volunteer while your husband is with his parents then all the better!

 

Yes but she needs to be realistic and start at entry level where no one has experience.

She will only be competing with school leavers and she can only expect the same wage.

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Yes, regardless of what decision you make, it's time to try to get some financial independence, even if at first at a lower paid job. Volunteering seems like a good idea to get the ball rolling and get some time outside home.

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What is so bad about your husband wanting to see his parents though? Is it not OK for him to visit family?

 

In fairness to the op it is too routine to the point where they can’t do anything else on saturdays because it’s written in stone that he will be with his parents. That’s not actually healthy for her, him or his parents.

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Well, he can go see his parents and leave her out of it. Coming from an issue like this myself it s annoying as hell. We don’t see my husband’s parents as much as we used to thank god because we live too far away . But my husband insists that when he sees his parents I see them too because it’s insulting to his parents if I don’t come and insulting to him . This is really the only argument my husband and I have in our marriage at this point . He insists his parents LOOOOOVE and want to see me. When really they don’t give a rat’s behind and neither do I. So annoying he chooses to live in this fantasy.

 

Really Inlaw family should not be stuffed down each other’s throats.

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Not seeing where she's forced to go, or that she can't send the kids (or at least the 8 year old) with him to lighten her load a bit. One day a week to incorporate grandparents into the family is far from terrible, and frankly a pretty dumbfounding choice of hills to die on when ultimately resulting in divorce. Far be it from me to tell someone they need to return from the edge if she's irreconcilably checked out, but I won't be the one telling her to jump absent any other context than dude going to his parents on Saturdays. If you want a divorce, see a lawyer. If you want to explore fixing your marriage, suggest marital counseling. You seem past the point of amateur advice forums either way, though.

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At the moment you have one household and the family is intact. Unless you can't stand one more day under the same roof, start preparing to enter the work world while married. What career can you be passionate about? If you need to go to college or take a course to receive a certificate, now is the time to pursue that. Put your focus onto that. Earning your own income is so important on so many levels, because circumstances could happen at any time where your husband's income could disappear, someone in the family could have major health issues and the extra income could come in handy, and of course if you divorce, you need your own money because child support isn't enough to live on.

 

After the career goal is achieved, if the same issues are bothering you in the marriage, ask him to attend couples counseling with you. An impartial, third party professional might be able to give you two homework and skills to help you both achieve a more satisfying partnership.

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I don't see why this is an issue. Family is important to me too and I could see if he wanted to see them during the week, but one day on the weekend? I think you're being too harsh.

 

You'd have a legit complaint if it was a female co worker or he was out drinking with his men friends and being stupid and reckless.

But he wants to see his parents on the weekend.

 

You are lucky to have someone who has taken care of you for 14 years and is good to you and your children.

There are many women out there who are hungry for a man like that.

 

If you all have to complain about is one day on the weekend with family then I think you're complaining for the sake of complaining.

 

And on top of it, you've not had to work in 13 years? Lucky you.

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I agree with Sherrysher and Jman - here's the deal. (I'm a mom of a 10 year old boy, I was home for 7.5 years, started looking for part time work a year and a half before I found the right job and fit for our schedules, been working about 24 hours/week for almost 3 years now) - I agree it's not ridiculous on his part. I agree also perhaps he can compromise so you don't need to be there every weekend. That is what my husband and I did when his parents were alive and we visited our hometown all summer, every summer, for 6 summers (when our child was an infant till age 6). Sometimes they came to us and I'd leave to have some me time and they were with my husband and their grandson who they adored. I loved my inlaws and desperately needed me time. So we compromised and my husband was very open to it.

 

Look - what's happening here I bet is your husband is going to play the "I work to provide for the family, the kids are in school so your workload with them is a lot less and the 14 year old can be left alone, etc so if I want to see my parents and have you there I'd like for you to just suck it up for that one time a week". Now, if you got part time or full time work then you'd have a lot more leverage to say that you need that weekend time to catch up on housework/errands/me time.

 

Getting back to work after that long of a gap is hard. It was hard for me also because I was in a new state and city where I'd never worked. So. When my son was around 3, I started focusing more on networking in my new city. By the time he was almost 6 and I was actively looking for work, I already had started networking. And I'd started doing volunteer work -not in my field but at a local public radio station - I also volunteered at the school but IMHO that kind of volunteer work isn't that valuable and doesn't look great on a resume. Once I started looking most of my interviews were through connections I had from my hometown and my new city. And I also was able to call people to ask for inside info on jobs I was looking at and to get specific interview tips/application tips from locals. Invaluable. Ironically I got my job from a random listserv I was on but the interview and application process went more smoothly because of my network.

 

Definitely get a job. Not an MLM is my strong opinion. A job with benefits if full time (with part time I understand that is harder) and yes volunteering is a great way to get your toes wet. I would not put your SAHM stuff on a resume but I'd explain the gap in a cover letter "I've been focusing on family responsibilities". I didn't need more education but if you do, do it. ASAP. My friend actually works full time as a parelegal, three kids ages 2, 4 and 14 and she is halfway through with law school (but her husband is a SAHD).

 

You will feel much better about yourself if you are out there working - yes, childcare is work but your workload is now less ,right? Good luck!!

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I also wanted to make 2 points on why this is probably so important to him:

 

1.) If he doesn't do much else but work all week long and wants a bit of time out without getting into trouble, going to see family is a nice outing.

 

2.) His parents aren't getting any younger and he's trying to appreciate as much time with them as he has left. (completely understandable at this age).

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I also wanted to make 2 points on why this is probably so important to him:

 

1.) If he doesn't do much else but work all week long and wants a bit of time out without getting into trouble, going to see family is a nice outing.

 

2.) His parents aren't getting any younger and he's trying to appreciate as much time with them as he has left. (completely understandable at this age).

 

Yes, this and totally.

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What does he do when the kids have an extracurricular activity on the weekend, or are they not allowed to participate on the weekeds?

Honestly the ship has sailed on speaking up about this. This is something you should have discussed before marriage. was he at his folks every weekend when you were dating? Did you tell him to go without you and you and the baby needed to rest/recover? Now that your kid is 14, why if you have been going along for this long is it at a breaking point and it wasn't then? He won't change.

 

So you change. you make plans and go do them and he can choose to participate or he can go to mom and dad's alone or with whatever kid wants to go. Maybe join them later on one of the days for dinner. or only spend part of the time for a start. Conversations do not work it seems - so just do.

 

I would also get a part time job while the kids are at school. Lots of schools even look for parents to do lunch duty and they pay them for it, or recess monitor. that's a start.

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Thing is not all in-laws love each other. My in-laws made it known from the very first day I was not part of the family and they didn’t appreciate me whatsoever . And overtime developed my no love lost for them. At first I was heartbroken and then I was just angry and I’ve remained that way .

 

So not everybody is hunky-dory about in laws.

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Agree, Seraphim. But it is reasonable to try and get along with family. After all, family is family.

 

It doesn't sound like OP's husband does much else. how much further can you restrict someone? I can understand if she doesn't want to go every single time, but once a week in my books isn't that big of a deal.

 

Far worse things a spouse could ask of you.

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Well, I don’t think of my in-law family as “ family”. They have done zero to include me . At times they were abusive and rude to me and my husband let’s it slide because all that is normal to him. Everyone of us is a second-class citizen to his sister and it is plainly obvious . And my child is their only grandchild the only grandchild they will ever have in this world and they don’t treat him any better . They don’t even talk to him beyond two sentences .

 

I would be fine with my husband seeing them I couldn’t give a rat’s ass. I just get mad he makes me see them . I am only civil to these people because they are my son’s family .

 

Maybe it is the same for this woman. Who knows.

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yes for many years I forecast myself to sit there and all it has done is make me resent his parents and his mother for sure . she controls everything in our lives including the kids. all it's done is push us further apart.it has to be some kind of mental illness wanting to sit with your parents all day and night on weekends when you have a wife you've done nothing but push away. all these people saying it isnt a big deal must never had to live it cause believe me youd feel very different.

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I don't think it's a mental illness, I just think he feels his family is more important than you. If it's bringing you two further apart and you've asked for more time for you and he on the weekends and he's said no due to it wanting to be about his parents, than quite clearly he is showing you what is priority to him.

 

Holly is right, all you can do now is get a job, wait until you are on your own two feet and let him know that this marriage is over with.

 

And any ladies reading this, this is why women have to take care of themselves to a certain degree in a relationship or in marriage. It's not the 1950's anymore.

Women need to make sure they have their own money so that they are not trapped and forced to accept appalling behavior.

If it means working part time, then so be it, but don't put yourself into a situation where have no leverage due to no money of your own.

 

Hopefully you won't ever need it and you'll have a happy marriage, but it's not always the case and it's good to have a backup should a husband decide that your feelings no longer matter.

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