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Cut them all off?


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Hi Guys,


I have been doing a lot of thinking and going through a lot in my personal life. I'm going back to my home country for a little holiday and none of my friends are making any effort for me - yet when they come out to me for holiday they expect me to take a week off work, drive them around, entertain them and who ever their with. But when I go back I have to meet everyone else on their timing. I understand that some are married, have children, don't drive etc but this time its really got to me. Like 6 of my different friends have requested really expensive gifts like dates(the really expensive kind), shish, cigs, sephora makeup...and they way they've asked me is so like 'oh do me a favour...' no please or shall I transfer money?

I don't know if its because I quit my job but they all know whats going on with me but they don't seem to care. All of them are expecting me to go to them once I land so I'm on holiday but I have to travel to each and everyone of them? I just don't think its fair. I've told them and they know like their long term friends.


I've just got to a point where I feel like I'm serving a purpose for them, like I'm on holiday, I will drive 2hours to their house for them to just talk about themselves and their life and probably just ask how I am just for the sake of it but revert back to their problems. I know I'm sensitive right now but its hard for me to find a friend to actually listen and focus on me for atleast 10 mins. If any of them text me at whatever time of day or night it is 'Call me I need you' I always call them no matter what country, I listen and pick them up.


Has anyone just stepped away from literally everyone? I don't want to loose these people as friends but right now they are not doing anything for me. I don't mean I expect gifts etc but if i need to talk they aren't available they don't even get back to me after when they say they will. I'm flying back home for 2 weeks and not 1 of them have said they'd come to my city to see me its all 'you come see me'. I also gave them 3 months full notice of my travel dates.


You know I wouldn't even care because I have my own family to visit my own life to get on with - but its this expectation of 'oh I'll just do whatever at whatever time' The last time I was on holiday my friend who has 2 babies and is going through a rough time with her husband asked me to go visit her. So I got on the train and travelled 4 hours to hers. Literally I was with her baby running errands with her while she was moaning and cooking for her husband. We ate nothing for lunch and when it came for dinner she was like 'oh I've got toast' - I thought ok it must be really bad like she wasn't present at all. So the next day I said I think you need family around you, like you have 2 kids under 2, no child care you get no break - husband is completely spoilt, like has an apple and pear waiting on the coffee table and the moment she steps into the house he's like 'cut this fruit for me'. LOL


SO I said, you need family around and a word with your hubby on how you need him to help you a little around the house i.e. pour his own cooked food out on a plate. When her husband came home he asked what we had done the whole day and she 'slate you' he then flipped at her started swearing getting aggressive and abusive, I had to take the kids it was the most uncomfortable awkward situation - i was too scared to even leave the room and get a glass of water awkward...we slept and next day she's like do you want to stay the week?


its like are you joking? Another one kept asking me to go out for a drink every other day because she was too busy to do anything else with me so its a '1quick drink' - she would get completely wasted stay up till 5am talking crap while I've gone to bed at 11 or 12 and then blame how all we do is drink together LOL


For those days I could of spent that time with my family or on me chilling out doing nothing having a break!


Is it to extreme to just take a break from all my friends? Like literally every single one of them. I have so many close friends but I feel so alone.

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" I don't want to loose these people as friends but right now they are not doing anything for me" This is contradictory.


Don't buy any gifts. Tell them it would be great to see them, and if they are in the area. If not, do not go to them and spend time with your family.


If you do not get anything out of the friendships then why are you continuing? You do realize that you are a part of the problem, as you have allowed this to go on too long.


You should also focus on making new friends in your current area.

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I guess I'm continuing out of loyalty of being friends for over a decade.


But, if you are not getting anything from this, then why would you be loyal? Friendships go two ways, and you have allowed them to treat you poorly. I have had friends that have lasted longer, but fazed out as they were not reciprocal. If you continue with this, you have no one else to blame but yourself.

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Do they reach out to you, or are you the only one who contacts?


Asking for all of that stuff. Are you mule? My friends NEVER ask me to bring things back. In fact, I do suggest things, they will tell me not to bother. I always do bring back food and sweets as I know they will enjoy. But, this is my choice. If someone asked me to bring back unnecessary stuff I would tell them that I do not have room. You need to learn to say no to folks.

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Hollyj thank you for replying to me firstly I appreciate having someone to talk to about this. They reach out but in a way to see if I'm free so they can offload whatever on to me. so it will be like a 'hi honey how r u? hows life?' and I'll obviously rely like 'yes all good how is everything with you?' then it will like flood in. I would feel guilty saying no which sounds soon stupid i know. I feel confused like I don't know what a normal friendship is anymore. Literally just now..a friend wanted me to go on a double date with her because the guy wouldn't be able to see her otherwise being loyal to his friend and she kind of said 'were going on a double date with these guys' she knows I'm not like that and she's very very promiscuous so I don't want to go - so I said nicely he's not my type I don't want to go on a date. She then started saying he has other friends to fix you up with whats your type? I replied back 'I'm not interested in going on a date with anyone right now' (literally just broke up with my boyf of 4 year 3 weeks ago) On tuesday I'm supposed to go round her house as she lives right near the airport to hang out before my flight and she's now said how she's flying (she's cabin crew) yet she sent me her schedule that shows she has 3 days off. So i replied 'no worries babe I'll take a taxi directly to the airport' she replied 'babe they really do work they really do work lol x'

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Ironi, you are being used as a sounding board. These are NOT friends.


I also think you should readdress the people you are allowing into your life. It does not sound like the right choices for you.


Time to make some new friends, that are not so self serving.

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These don't sound like friends. You should focus on meeting new people.


I live overseas and whenever I visit my home country, I have only 3 friends who make an effort to see me when I'm back home and I''m okay with that. Other people ask me to spend more money to fly to them and yeah we may have history but I know they'd never make the same effort for me (even though they have the money and the means) so I''m happy to keeping a long distance messaging only friendship for the time being.


Try to establish boundaries with your friends. You cant change people or expect your friends to suddenly change and be awesome friends. I know it's hard, and I know that feeling of wanting to connect with people from the past when you visit home, but it's much better to make new friends who genuinely care about you. Also, learn to say no to your friends. I used to be like you, letting people talk to me about their problems and always wanting me to help out. It was exhausting but once you set boundaries, people either stop and become more respectful of my time or they drop off.


I'd recommend trying to make new friends. It will take time but you're more likely to meet people similar to you that way.

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I agree you’re prioritizing longevity over solid friendships. Some people who go on to other life stages like marriage and family no longer prioritize friendships. I believe that’s truly idiotic and I can’t relate. But to each her own. But here’s what I do relate to. Pre child I had a very active nightlife. Dinners out, theater , parties , years of fun dance clubs. All done. I’m no good at night anymore. And I won’t talk on the phone at night unless it’s urgent. And because of childcare issues I’m limited by time and location far more often as to where I can meet and when. When we go to our home town if it’s a short trip often we tell people “we’re all meeting for dinner at this location hope you can make it. I don’t travel to see people on shorter trips unless it’s relatively close. I can’t. Or I don’t want to because I have my child typically to myself and it’s not fair to drag him around to meet my friends rather than show him a fun holiday. So please keep in mind that some people mean well they’re just choosing sleep over seeing you cause they’re exhausted. That’s why your friend multitasked. And yes bring your own food next time!

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You need new friends. Drop these so-called friends because real friends don't treat you the way they do.


Being alone doesn't mean lonely. You can feel lonely having wrong friends in your life. Drop them like hot potatoes.


Focus on your family when you're back home. Your friends use you, they're leeches, ask for expensive gifts, your time, your chauffeuring services, your labor, your help and they're nothing but energy vampires. You need to dump them!


They're not close friends. I have close friends and none of them treat me the way your friends do. We respect each other, don't make demands nor have expectations for each other and we're very considerate of each other, too. This is how real, respectful friends are suppose to treat each other. You need to be with friends who know how to enforce healthy boundaries with everyone.


Learn how to say, "NO." If they refuse to understand how you feel, then cease those friendships because they're not worth it.

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There's a lot of room on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is catering to people and 1 is burning a bridge. Shoot for balance and allow people to either step up to do their part, or allow them to fade into divergence. This involves no cutoffs, just nice sentiments but no offers to pretzel yourself for anybody.


You can let your old friends know when you'll be in town, and if anyone would like to join you in the town where you're staying let them offer to make those plans. Otherwise, it's THEIR missed opportunity, and maybe next time.


Mature friendships allow for divergence as people focus on differing priorities. The people who matter will either evolve into valuing you again enough to put in some effort. Otherwise, they can be relegated to social media friends unless and until they can step up to meet your prior generosity with some of their own. If not, then keep the friendship in spirit only, and keep moving forward to add new 'equal' friends to your life.


And skip the gifts. People who ask you for things can be met with either no response, or, you can tell them you'll be happy to pick that up for them if they'd like to send you the money to make the purchase. Anyone who doesn't follow through can keep their requests a fantasy.


Head high, and stop knocking yourself out. You'll thank yourself later.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I really like catfeeder's advice - find a balance. Let them slip into divergence. You don't need to cut them off, and you also don't need to pretzel yourself to comply - like an 8-hour round trip. If you're feeling bored and find that a trip is just what you could use, great! Maybe you can arrange to meet more than one of these friends at once - dinner, activity you'll all enjoy - then head home, and decide exactly how long you want to take the time for that travel. An hour one way? Less? Two hours? This is your vacation and you have the right to just relax and do nothing...and a lot of it. Also, if these friends want items from where you live, ask them to send the money and you'll be happy to pick these things up for them. No gifts and no taking chances they never get around to paying you back. As stated, sometimes friendships divide as we move to different paths and priorities, and they can be relegated to social media friends, and possibly next time you can find the time to touch base.


Play it by ear. You can work on the notion that you have plans in town with family and friends and you may not be able to make any special trips; you will certainly touch base and see if they can come see you. It's possible after after a week, you feel like you'd like to get out and about, and you might decide you'd like to travel to see them...maybe. See how it goes.

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