ironi Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 First time my mum went to india she was 19 and forced into an arrange marriage by my grandfathers sisters. She didn’t even know it was her wedding day. My grandad was back in the UK and was completely against the marriage but his family had hidden my grandmother’s and mothers passports. So my grandfather said just do the wedding when you come back to the UK I will get it annulled, just get back to the UK safely. So after 2days my grandfather flew to India with all guns blazing only to realise that in the 2days of marriage my mother actually liked my father and wanted to stay married. So my grandad completely against the marriage brought them home to the UK but keeping a close eye on the marriage. 6months went by and my mother fell pregnant madly in love, they went back to India for a holiday where she began seeing a different side of him, he started getting angry at her, hitting her and soon she realised he was withdrawing large amounts of money out of our family bank accounts and giving it to his mother. She came back to the UK to have me to his big disappointment I was a girl not a boy. After 2 months he left my mother and said he couldn’t raise me as I was such a disappointment and he wanted to make it work without me. So my mum sent me on holiday with my grandparents to travel abroad for 1 year. Within that year he had brought the most expensive crappy house that was falling apart saying they were going to do it up. After my year of travels were over my mother was on her way to the airport to pick me up. My father didn’t want to come. When she got home that day he had left and left a note that he couldn’t be with my mother and didn’t want me. Hes going back to India. That’s the end of that story. As long as I can remember I always thought my grandmother was my mum – never felt any connection with my mum. When my mother did up the house my dad left she took me in to live with her. That’s when it was pure hell. She would emotionally put me down everyday, swear at me, beat me up scare me everyday was a battle. Being 30 looking back at it she really needed professional help. I had no siblings or cousins so it was just me and her in this house pure torture. It got really bad at one point where she started leaving marks on my face and school noticed and my grandmother and aunty walked in the house at 10pm and just got me. I heard my grandfather saying your not dealing with this properly. Everyday my mum would say its all my fault my dad left, how I’m nothing just disgusting words you shouldn’t say to a child. I remember I stayed at my grandmothers for 2 days and my mum called crying asking me to come back home – I did and she laid down with me on the sofa and cuddled me which was so unusual and she then grabbed my throat and said ‘if you ever tell anyone again I will kill you’. Growing up my mother was complete pure evil. I hated her, I would wish she die she made me so insecure, scared, fearful of everything. At the age of 13 we moved in with my grandmother and life got a little better my mother was a workaholic so I only saw her in the mornings and dinner time so I never got to deal with her much. At the age of 18 she attacked me infront of my whole family over something really minor. My whole family were so shocked and upset by all of it and comforted me and tried to tell her she cant behave like this. The thing about my mum is she has a switch wheres shes so calm and then pure evil (gemini – no offence fellow gemini) 18years old she moved out for work 4 hours away, never saw her only on weekends. All my family moved abroad and I was left at uni in the UK all alone. I was never allowed out. My mum made out in her head I was a lady of the night, I was selling myself for money, I was taking drugs etc yet I didn’t go out I had no friends. My mother had moved me to over 13 different schools just because if she didn’t like something about it she’d just pull me out. Now my mother is successful, independent corporate career woman. She has made it. After I graduated uni I moved abroad. Didn’t speak to my mother we never ever had a relationship – if she picked up the phone I’d say hi. Financially she cut me off when I was 16 years old which was £20 a month. So it didn’t make a difference So flash forward to when I was 25 I went back to the UK to visit. My mother went off on a rant. How I’m in debt, how I spend loads of money, I’m going out every night not working etc. Which all of it is completely untrue. (you know we have that 1 family member whos really jealous of you and just tells lies – its one of my aunties shes jealous of me shes always been) So I listened to it completely drained. Went to bed and packed my stuff and spent the reminder of my holiday at my friends. When I turned 26 she came out for a holiday. She had also retired. So she must have been alone in my room for the whole day and gone through ALLLL of my belongings. So I came home from work and she said ‘all your perfume bottles are empty’ I said yes I keep them for decoration she said ‘all your clothes are like primark or boohoo’ I said yes I know – she went ‘you only have 1 gucci and 1 LV bag’ – yes I know. She then burst into tears and said I’m so sorry for thinking you were someone else and not believing you. I actually couldn’t believe it LOL she was apologising to me? The next day was my ladies meetup group I run for networking so I took her along to it. Majority of the women are 40+ so my mum fit right in. So all of them were saying just such lovely things about me which kill me each time like ‘ I wish she was my daughter’ ‘Shes so lovely’ Like these women are just so amazing to their children amazing women. To then I hear my mum go ‘Thank you, I’m so proud of (me) I did my best as a single mother’ At that moment I wanted to explode I actually couldn’t believe it she thought I am the way I am because of her? I am so proud of my self because I could of turned out so messed up. No one I know knows anything about my upbringing and they all think I had such a solid foundation because I chose to not let it get to me. Trust me I’m failing at so many aspects of my life because of my inner demons but I hid it really well!! I think my mother in her head is a mother of someone but its just not me. Like I think she sometimes longs for her daughter but even though I’m infront of her she still is longing – if that makes sense. After the holiday I actually spoke to a medium and she said that ‘its ok you will never understand your mother but she will be an amazing grandmother to your children and that’s all that will matter to you’ That gave me so much peace that I didn’t hate her so much. In the meantime she had been telling everyone how she misses me and I don’t call or text her. So I have any and everyone ‘call your mum she misses you’ making me out to be the bad guy. I did go to counselling before hand but that opened a huge can of worms that me just hate everything. At 28 I visited home and stayed my mother was a completely different person she was loving, she cooked for me, she wanted to go shopping with me etc. I couldn’t believe it. I look back and think how stupid I was to trust her. She always used to give me things but never help me. Like when I was 18 I paid for all my driving lessons and she said she’d help me buy my first car. She gave £100 and told me to buy something. Even though shes always had brand new cars out of the garage. I told her what would I do with £100 I don’t have a dad, brother, uncle, grandad or any family or cousins to help me. When my aunty found out who lives abroad she just gave me £1500. But my whole family where like what would she get with £100? And my mum was like she needs to learn and figure it out. Like she loves me to squirm. So 28 I go through all these emotions of like ‘do I forgive her? This is such a nice feeling of having a mother back I can tell her everything, I don’t want to leave her. So she told me quit you job let me give you £300,000 and you do whatever you want. Go travel the world, go start a business. But you don’t need to work because you are completely sorted for life all I've done is for you to be financially free and not go through the struggles I went through. I didn’t accept it I went back home and every week she would tell me to take the money how I deserved it. How I should live my life (confession- I had told her how ty my life was and how depressed I was) 29 comes and all my friends are telling me to take the money and trust my mother. Only 1 told me not too. So I told my mother ‘Ok in January 2019 I will quit my job and I’m going to travel a little and then start a business’ we discussed all the details. 10th January Im in the UK not discussed anything and she turns around to me and says ‘Theres no money I put it all in another property’ I knew it – I just knew it was too good to be true. I hadn’t quit my job. Anyway it was my 30th in feb so I had flown back to arrange it. Now I’m the person who has never ever celebrated their birthday, never celebrated anything – I spoke to someone this week and they said its because you feel like you don’t deserve it. To be honest that is how I constantly feel. So I thought forget it I’m going to throw the best 30th birthday party for myself ever. The whole week she was like ‘I’m not paying for it! Why do you need to celebrate your 30th? Your so stupid! Your not married, don’t have a career what are you celebrating? Its so pointless’ I booked a flight back after a week and came home. I feel so angry at myself I let her get to me. I didn’t celebrate my 30th I didn’t do anything. Everyone was so disappointed in me but I was so heartbroken. I felt like my biggest achievement of turning 30 was my mum other than that I don’t really have anything else. She of course made herself to be the victim and dint say or do anything to me. I am done with her though. So flash forward I’ve quit my job just because I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve got savings and my aunty said she’ll also help me with starting my own business up. But I’ve got to go back to the UK and my grandmother has just had an operation so I have to go home and visit of course. Funny its her birthday Should I celebrate it? Has anyone else got the same relationship with their mum? I’m scared I don’t want this relationship with my daughter or children. I want a happy life with lots of love. What has gotten you through the constant heartbreak and grief? Mostly do you stop crying? Link to comment
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