confibi Posted May 14, 2019 Share Posted May 14, 2019 As a preface: my girlfriend and I moved in together - in to the house she owned - after about a month of dating. It was only supposed to be temporary as I had just changed jobs and was looking to move closer to where she lived so we could spend more time together. I couldn't find anything so she offered for me to stay in her guest room for a month, with my stuff in her basement storage, and then I'd move out when I could find something close by. About a month later I managed to find a place but she told me that she loved having me there, the other roommates loved having me there (she has like 7 roommates as she rents out all the rooms for profit), and she asked me to stay. By then we were basically living in the same room and sleeping in the same bed anyways so I said yes; probably not the best idea. Over the course of the next 5 months we started to develop some issues with the relationship and it caused me to withdraw and neglect her. I was never overly mean to her - and certainly never abused her in anyway - but she would show me affection and I wouldn't return it in kind. We had 3 main issues that were causing this rift (one related to living there, another about the nature of our relationship, and a huge third one that is the crux of this whole thing and I'll get to in a minute). The initial two issues - in hindsight - were not the catalyst for the break up and are not an issue in terms of us getting back together. The third issue: A guy moved into the master bedroom - the most expensive room in the house - and at first he was cool with me and we all hung out fine. About a month after moving in, however, his demeanor towards me changed to pure hostility for absolutely no reason. He would either give me the cold shoulder or straight up be a total a$$. It finally got to the point where I brought it up to my g/f - the landlord - and asked what was going on. She told me that he had been going behind my back talking mad smack about me (how he doesn't even view me as a man and blah blah) and hitting on her. She turned him down - as she wasn't interested in him and was with me - and so he got resentful and was acting that way towards me. This went on for a few more weeks until the point where he was nearly physically violent with me over something I didn't even do. I finally told her that it was an untenable situation and that he had to move out (she only does month to month leases for roommates). She told me that I was being childish, that it didn't fit her 'threshold' for kicking him out, that he was handy around the house (he does work for her in return for cheaper rent) and that it was just a bit of the 'tude'. This, coupled with the other 2 issues, brought it to the point where I decided to move out to get out of the toxic environment. I ended up bringing all of my issues up to her in an argument after I had enough - all issues she doesn't even consider valid - and she responded with "we can agree to disagree or we can break up". I told her I didn't think our relationship could survive me moving out if the issues weren't addressed (mainly the 3rd issue with the guy as the other two have now been addressed to my satisfaction). She took that as me abruptly breaking up with her and kicked me out of the house the next day onto the street. While I was living in my car - and crashing at friends places - looking for a new place to move in we decided to give it another shot but she told me that I couldn't move back in or even stay in the guest room until the end of the month (the break up happened around the 15th). That caused another issues and harsh words were said between us both and bridges were burned. I ended up finding a new place and moving into it and was planning on trying again with her - as I knew that she still had feelings for me and I had feelings for her - but that all got railroaded when a mutual friend told me that she was dating the same very guy who moved into the house. As you can imagine this was devastating for me to find out. I confronted her - via chat - about it and she denied that she was seeing anyone at all and was surprised I'd even bring up his name. At the exact same time I was chatting with her, she contacted the mutual friend VERY upset that he had told me about it and insisted that it was friends with benefits only. He, of course, let me know this and I confronted her with that and said some really really harsh stuff that I wish I could take back. After a few days, we ended up talking again and decided that we cared too much about one another to throw away what we had and that both of us had issues and made mistakes. She promised me that what happened between her and that guy was over, that she never wanted anything remotely like a relationship with him, that my neglect ran her into the arms of another man, and that it will never happen again as I am the one who has her heart. I can deal with that. As much as it hurts she didn't technically cheat on me and I really did say some horrible horrible stuff to her (with a lot of "I never want to see you again I'm going to block you on everything how dare you debase yourself like this we're done forever"). I can imagine she was very upset and that guy was looking for the opportunity; it still makes me sick to my stomach that it happened and that it was with him. Here is the issue though: they're still friends and he still lives in the house. I ended up moving out - despite never really wanting to - and he is still living there which means that he gets to see her way more than I do. On top of that, how am I supposed to be OK with being over there while he is around? I believe her that there is nothing between them and that it was just friends with benefits and that it won't happen again while we're together. Still: would anyone be OK with their girlfriend living in the house with the guy she slept with - multiple times - while you were broken up for a matter of weeks? On top of that, he isn't going to change his attitude towards me or stop trying to break up our relationship. I initially asked her to confirm that it was done and she said "It is done and it will never happen again" and then that was that from her. I met up with her a few days ago, at the house, and she was super tired from work so we just cuddled for a few hours. I'm supposed to go there tomorrow where she tells me that she wants to sleep with me but how can I manage that when this guy is living upstairs and I will likely run into him? I messaged her today to ask her to throw out any condoms she had in the house and that I would buy new ones. When we broke up, we were out so any that she has at the house she bought for him. I also didn't want to see how many were left in the box because I don't know how many times they did it and lord knows I don't ever want to know. All she said was "sure!". I told her that it may seem silly but that I'm still really struggling with this issue (him and her) and her response was just "No worries. I understand". If I tell her that he is too much of an issue - given everything that has happened - I know she will give me the same b.s. about how it doesn't cross her threshold for kicking him out. I'm even afraid she'll tell me that they're friends (they are). Every single person I've spoken to about this - without fail - has told me that she is being unreasonable if she really cares about me and wants this relationship to work (she claims she does) or that it's a straight up deal breaker. Keep in mind: a bunch of people have moved in and out during the entirety of our relationship. There is nothing special about him being there other than he cooks for people (part of his job), helps her around the house (for reduced rent) and always has weed. He is also only on a month to month lease and it would be SUPER easy to replace the room he is in. Am I being unreasonable to think that this is going to continue being a problem in our relationship and if it's going to work out he has to go? I have a 6 month lease at my new place and we even spoke about me moving back in after the 6 months as it will be a much more reasonable time - in our relationship - for us to live together. How am I supposed to move in and live side by side with this constant reminder of what happened - all while he's being a royal D-bag to me trying to steal my girlfriend? On top of that: how do I personally come to grips with this? I saw a guy at the gas station the other day who looked a lot like him and i started shaking with hurt/anger. I haven't even seen him since all this happens and I have no idea how I am ever supposed to. She lives with him (and 6 other people), they're still friends, and yet there is no person on this planet that I despise more than him. I really truly hate his guts. How do we square that? I apologize for the length. I really do care about her - and want a relationship - and she really does care about me. She just doesn't always rationalize things the right way (and even admits it) and I don't understand how she can tell me she wants this relationship and yet expect me to have to deal with this? Link to comment
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