Jump to content

Haven't heard from her in almost a week, think I accidentally creeped her out...


Recommended Posts

So I started talking to this woman on the dating app Hinge, I've had success with this app in the past and I recommend it. Anyway, we talked for about a week on the app and then I asked if she was cool exchanging numbers so we could talk through text or phonecall. She was cool with that and said she was about to ask me the same question. She doesn't use data while at work so using the app to talk wasn't great.

 

So we start talking, about 3 weeks ago, and everything's going great, she's laughing at all my jokes, sending good morning texts, we have a good amount in common etc. all the good signs. It doesn't take me long before I ask if she wants to go out and she agrees right away. We made plans for last Friday but they were tentative because she was working a night shift the night before, so I had no problem postponing if she was too tired. That ended up happening so we planned the date for this past Sunday instead.

 

Everything was cool, but then I got a late text, around 2am Sunday morning saying that she just got home and had spent all evening in the ER with her grandma, as she just suffered a stroke (we both work in the same medical field by the way). So of course I have no problem postponing again as she mentioned that she had already called in sick to work the next day and was intending on spending that time with her family, she though she was the worst for having to postpone again.

 

This is the exact message I sent her in reply:

 

"Don't think you're the world's worst person, it's okay, hope your nana's alright, I know how serious strokes can be, done my fair share of code strokes and I've worked on the Stroke Rehab floor many times, at least it was only a mini stroke.

 

We can absolutely reschedule, don't sweat it, you've had a crazy day. You let me know when you wanna go out and I'll make it happen.

 

Hope you had a good sleep if you could get any at all, also here if you wanna vent or keep your mind off things a little bit, that's cool too."

 

Since then, I haven't heard a single thing from her. Now I suspect that it was because she saw that I viewed her Instagram profile (she would know I viewed it because I looked at her stories). I always check Instagram/Facebook before meeting someone to hopefully prevent catfishing/extortion which I've dealt with in the past. I even sent her a text explaining that I check social media before meeting and I use it solely for my own protection and invited her to do the same. Also mentioned that I tell my friends to do the same before meeting someone, both male and female friends. Maybe it's because my Instagram profile doesn't have any pictures except for my profile pic (I use it to follow a few people) and I'm not big into social media myself. As I said, I use it for protection but I can see how it would be hard to view mine and not be nervous because I don't post much at all.

 

I messaged her one last time on the Hinge app, because I knew she would get the message, not sure if she already blocked me on her phone. In the message I apologized if I said anything that bothered her or weirded her out by viewing her profile and again stated that I do it to protect myself. Then told her that I hoped she was having a good week and that her grandma was okay and said that I felt like an ass. I then finished it by telling her all the best and left it at that. That was on Tuesday of this week.

 

I know she's seen the message because she's been active on the app but she hasn't removed/blocked me, so I'm getting mixed signals. I'm not new to the online dating game but this one just confuses me. I have been talking to a bunch of other girls online since I started dating again about a month ago and have been out with one a few times already. It just sucks because I felt a real connection with this girl and I feel like if I had gotten the chance to actually take her out, this wouldn't even be an issue.

 

If you guys have any opinion on how I should proceed, any thoughts are appreciated. I don't know if trying to call her would just bother her even more or if I should just play the waiting game.

 

Sorry for the wall of text lol, wanted to get all the details down.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The extra lines about the stroke are absolutely unnecessary. Both condescending since you work in the same industry and honestly dismissive of what her grandma is going through (at least it was only...)

 

Also!

 

Isn’t it possible she doesn’t want to date right now?’ Her grandma HAD A STROKE.

Link to post
Share on other sites
The extra lines about the stroke are absolutely unnecessary. Both condescending since you work in the same industry and honestly dismissive of what her grandma is going through (at least it was only...)

 

Also!

 

Isn’t it possible she doesn’t want to date right now?’ Her grandma HAD A STROKE.

 

I agree in hindsight that it wasn't necessary to mention the extra lines about the stroke. Although she doesn't work in the stroke unit and I was only saying that at least it was only a mini stroke to help ease some stress because a mini stroke usually leads to a full recovery, unlike a full blown stroke.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I agree in hindsight that it wasn't necessary to mention the extra lines about the stroke. Although she doesn't work in the stroke unit and I was only saying that at least it was only a mini stroke to help ease some stress because a mini stroke usually leads to a full recovery, unlike a full blown stroke.

 

Or maybe she’s just annoyed by your mansplaining. I’m not a doctor or any medical professional... obviously a mini stroke is better than a full blown one...

Link to post
Share on other sites

It could just be that she has a lot going on right now and doesn't know really where he head is at. I think maybe give it another week or so and just message her asking her if everything is ok and that you hope her gran is okay and if she needs to talk she knows where you are.

 

You don't really know what she is thinking and it could quite simply be that she doesn't either because she has a great deal on her mind?

Link to post
Share on other sites

No need to speculate, you never met irl. You have simply been ghosted. I believe real connections happen in the reality, once you have met, before then these are just words on a screen.

 

Good for you for continuing to move on and date other people. I would suggest to leave this lady alone

Link to post
Share on other sites

A full three weeks went by before you approached the topic of meeting...too long.

 

Then we run into this frenzy of work and family crisis, and I don't know how involved she is, but she may be off the grid for dating for now.

 

Leave it be.

 

My only suggestion would be to solidify a date within the first week...don't leave this dangling for a full month.

 

No meet, no text.

 

I would probably refrain from announcing your background checks and stalking practices. It's better you put it all out there in all honesty how you operate, but the fact that you have this paranoid aura turns me off to wanting to pursue anything further with you. Judgement, criticism, probing, stalking, lurching...total turn-off...run away...run Forest, run!

 

Maybe she'll circle back around once the drama settles into some routine and she decides whether or not she wants to deal with a probing, untrusting, stalkery, creep-o.

 

Here's a hint: You don't always have to say out loud everything that you're thinking. If you feel the need to image search her or look up her social media, is this something that needs to be said? I find your announcement jealous, judgmental, critical, lack of trust and lack of judgement, and taking on a toddler who requires a high level of soothing, justifying, self-protection, and a big ball of work that I don't plan to take on...I raised my babies. I have aging parents, a job, and bills I have to contend with...I absolutely will not deal with the likes of you and your insecurities.

 

Maybe she'll circle back around when her life slows down. Maybe she has fully nexted you because you're creepy. Let sleeping dogs lie for the time being.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've had a somewhat similar situation happen. Was chatting with a guy that seemed very nice and we agreed to meet up. That didn't happen (random circumstances), but he kept texting me, and that was fine in the beginning, but became a little too much pretty soon. He texted me as if he knew me, and I felt uncomfortable with that. Perhaps, it has to do with expectations and the fact that he gave a lot of himself too soon to someone he doesn't even know. I decided to not meet up with him, when he asked me out again, I let him know.

 

It is possible that something in your dynamic changed her mind about you two meeting up.

 

It's also possible that she is more focused on her grandma now than dating guys, but you mentioned that she was active on the app, so that's probably not the case.

 

And one more note from me: your Instagram stalking is not as creepy (everybody does that) as you explaining it over and over again, as if you have something to hide. Add to that the lack of pictures on your Insta and it becomes real creepy real fast. I think it would turn me off. Maybe keep your Insta up to date, otherwise your "protecting" yourself looks predatory.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, I think what you said in the text was not creepy. I actually liked it and thought it was very sensitive. Granted I'm not in the medical industry so maybe it would be different if I was.

 

However...I have to agree with the above. That's a good point...you checking out others' IG accounts while having no pics up yourself (besides your profile pic) could be a turnoff. I also noticed that you repeated yourself about protecting yourself and it did jump out to me as odd.

 

Unless there's something else during your communications that are funky, that would be my guess as to why she ghosted you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry it turned out this way. In general if someone is just text/calling and keeps delaying meeting it's not a good sign. Another red flag is all the lateral moves (messages to texts to social media then back to apps, etc) and daily chitchat and jokes with no mention of meeting.

 

Weeks on end of texts and jokes does not compare to having a face to face meeting with a guy who is interested enough ask to them to meet in person.

 

Instead of just "talking to girls online" you need to ask them to meet within a few message exchanges. That will rule out some of the time-wasters and marginally interested ones. This way you don't invest energy in a phantom you've never met. Keep in mind at this stage people are messaging and meeting others.

 

Leave this other one be. Whether her excuses/reasons are true or not doesn't matter. She's not contacting you or responding to your contact.

we talked for about a week on the app and then I asked if she was cool exchanging numbers so we could talk through text or phonecall.

So we start talking, about 3 weeks ago, and everything's going great, she's laughing at all my jokes, sending good morning texts, we have a good amount in common etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just wanna clarify that we made plans to go out about a week after we started talking, not 3 weeks. Believe me, I prefer to go out sooner than later but not everyone is into that. If it drags like this one is, I'm cool with leaving it be but sometimes the other person is newer to online dating or just prefers to talk a little longer. If I like them and the conversation is good then I'm not gonna dismiss them right away.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Not everyone pays attention to who viewed their profile!

 

“I messaged her one last time on the Hinge app, because I knew she would get the message, not sure if she already blocked me on her phone”

 

When you progress from messaging on a dating app to an exchanged phone number, you don’t go back to messaging on the dating app. That’s an unwritten rule.

 

You work in the same medical field so why would you message her from a medical point of view undermining her knowledge rather than simply offering a condolence?

 

I wouldn’t reply to you if I was her.

You say you aren’t big on social media but you are.

You are a lurker.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe I'll just stick to Facebook for checking to see if people are who they say they are or maybe just drop that whole idea altogether because it's such a dubious prospect to want to be a little safer. I understand that I'm not big into social media myself and that causes the catch 22, I feel like I need to check on people but they can't check on me in the same manner. Not really sure what my alternative is other than not checking at all.

 

Was almost mugged a few years back because I didn't do any kind of research before meeting a girl. Ended up being 2 guys and a random girl when I showed up, who threatened to hurt me and damage my car if I didn't give them my wallet and everything valuable in my vehicle (obviously a mistake not meeting in a fully public place as well). After that, I met my girlfriend at the time and we were together up until a few months ago. Then, like I originally posted, started dating again about a month and a half ago. So the fact that this kind of stuff can happen in very rare cases causes me to worry a little more than I'd like too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It’s an unfair double standard to expect your potential dates to be searchable and viewable and you yourself not also be

 

I’m sorry you had a scary experience, and it’s ok to “Facebook stalk” before a date, but I don’t think that’s the root problem here anyway b

Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually don't think you did anything wrong, and even if you did, it was probably quite minor. I think maybe it did sound like you were downplaying it and undermining it by saying "at least it was only a mini stroke". When something traumatic happens, people want to feel validated. But your overall message was very nice. I think it's probably OK to stalk someone's social media, absolutely you wouldn't want to get catfished! I've been catfished a couple of times and it's definitely not fun. I do suggest though if you're going to social media stalk, to do it in secret. Just look at Facebook and Instagram photos, don't look at the stories. To be honest though I think you weren't really a priority for this girl to begin with because she kept cancelling on you. And now that something awful happened to her grandma, I think she's not really thinking about you at all because she's never even met you.

Edited by Tinydance
Link to post
Share on other sites

She just not in to you, i think. About you checking on their social media, it is something most of ppl doing, so you are okay with it. You just to be honest by telling them you did so 😂....

 

Good you move on and talk to others already but seems your heart still wondering about that girl. Well, just ask her right away. That is the easy way.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wanna thank everybody for posting their thoughts, the positive and the negative. I did send her one last message yesterday after work, had a slow day and was thinking about it quite a bit. She hasn't said anything yet and I don't expect to hear anything but I wanted to reach out anyway. Offered to meet her so we can actually talk in person but if she isn't interested, she isn't interested. Still can't shake the feeling that I screwed up a potentially great thing, c'est la vie, I guess.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your msg to her was long, tedious and belittling.

 

Next time don't say "at least it was ... When someone tells you someone love has a health problem. All you should have said was "that sounds awful, take care of yourself. Let's play things by ear" That's enough.

 

The message even afterwards with you saying how you guys can absolutely reschedule etc how she should rest and all that stuff is so unnecessary and a turn off. I get messages like that from guys and I don't like it. She's a stranger so keep it short and simple.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Your msg to her was long, tedious and belittling.

 

Next time don't say "at least it was ... When someone tells you someone love has a health problem. All you should have said was "that sounds awful, take care of yourself. Let's play things by ear" That's enough.

 

The message even afterwards with you saying how you guys can absolutely reschedule etc how she should rest and all that stuff is so unnecessary and a turn off. I get messages like that from guys and I don't like it. She's a stranger so keep it short and simple.

 

All of the messages we were sending back and forth were longer. We messaged 3-4 times a day because we were fairly busy, but to make up for that our messages were fairly lengthy.

 

I get that I screwed up how I worded my reply and came off as pretty insensitive, trust me. I'm letting her know I can reschedule because she asked me if we can reschedule and she apologized about not being able to go out on that day. I also mentioned the getting rest part because she messaged me at 3am to tell me that. I messaged when I woke up to say that I hoped she was able to get some rest after her busy and obviously emotional day.

 

Here's the exact message to get my point across:

 

"Ugghhhh, you must think I'm the worlds worst person..

 

My nana had a mini stroke this evening so I've been with my mom and nana all night in ER .. and my mom and I just left. I called into work tomorrow ..

 

But do you think there is any way to reschedule? I'm so so so sorry, I wasn't chatty today, with forgetting my phone and this happening it's just been super hectic."

 

Many times her messages were longer than mine, everybody talks in different ways, just because one person prefers short and sweet doesn't mean everyone does, at least not all the time. I gauge my talking based on what the person is comfortable with and that's how we were talking.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, here's the thing.

 

When a chick is into you, truly into you, in her eyes, you can do no wrong.

 

Everything you say and do will seem endearing to her; I once had a guy I was very into send me a text revealing his insecurity and needing a bit of reassurance, and while typically that would turn me off, because I was just so into him, I thought it was endearing!

 

His vulnerability caused me to like him more!!

 

So stop analyzing your message, it was fine!! It wasn't "too long" you didn't "screw your wording up" or anything else. Or even if you did, if she were into you, it would not have mattered.

 

Asking her to reschedule was fine too, and again had she been into you, she'd be jumping all over that!

 

So seriously just stop all this over-thinking over your text messages!

 

If she's not replying back then she's just not into you and never was, at least not in the way you thought she was.

Edited by katrina1980
Link to post
Share on other sites

I would not tell people you are checking their social media. If they have a public profile, they are fine with people looking at it.

I would have made the first date just a quick coffee or lunch or grabbing a bagel because then someone doesn't expect that its a big production or they have to be well rested or block out the whole evening. if she works in a hospital, there surely is a coffee shop or cafe. And if they don't like you, its just coffee or lunch. And they can go home and sleep right after - no biggie.

 

Anyhow i think its the luck of the draw - besides announcing the social media stalking, i would communicate with others to find someone who wants to meet and seems interesting to you. I think you should have stopped communication after she told you about her Grandma, and in 2 weeks after that, if you wanted to, just send her a short note hoping her grandma was okay -- no conversation in the meantime to further the dating.

 

At this point, its in her court to contact you. I would keep looking to meet someone else in the meantime or just in case she never texts back-----------------------------

Link to post
Share on other sites

Though I'd let you guys know what I sent her the other night, here it is:

 

"So I had a crazy slow night at work and had some time to go over the last bit of our conversation and think about where I screwed up. I just wanna say I'm sorry if I came across the wrong way when I mentioned "at least your grandma only had a mini stroke". It makes me sound like such an ***hole and I really didn't mean it that way. One reason I dislike texting sometimes and prefer talking on the phone, you can hear the person's inflection and personality and you can avoid misunderstandings.

 

I've honestly felt guilty most of the week as dumb as that sounds. I really enjoyed talking with you and you seem like an awesome person, honestly looked forward to going out with you and potentially getting to know you if we clicked. I wanted to text you about GoT a few times but I knew it wasn't the right thing to do.

 

I'm still down to go out at some point, not sure how hyped you are about John Wick 3 but I can't wait, I'd be down to grab some food and take you to see it, I'm buying. When and where is up to you, long as we're both free. Keanu's no Nic Cage, but he's also a known vampire, so they have that in common.

 

Trust me, I completely understand if you don't wanna go out though. Just wanted to let you know what I was thinking.

 

I know you're going through a lot right now with your grandma and I really do hope her recovery is going great. Would be nice if work hasn't been too insane for you as well."

 

I know it's long, but I wanted to let her know exactly what I was thinking. The jokes probably weren't necessary but I figured why not try to make her laugh. Figured I had nothing to lose either way. I actually feel pretty ****ty about this, I never stoop to this level, always just let things slide and don't care, but like I said, I was really into this girl. I've already taken this as a lesson. Won't be doing this again in the future.

Edited by SimplyScience10
Link to post
Share on other sites

WOW. You really sent that? Maybe i am wrong, but if i received something like that, I would run. I would not contact you again.

You knew her Grandma was in the hospital. You expressed your concern. The ball was in her court.

Like i said, if you really wanted to contact her again - i would wait several weeks and just say "i hope your grandma is doing well" and if she responds great if not- no biggie.

BUT THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. DO NOT DO THAT NOW>

All of this reiterating of what you already said before would make me wonder if you would not respect my boundaries or you are desperate.

I mean, after all, you have not even met her yet. You can't be 'really into her'. When you communicate just online or a phone call - that's research to find out if you can hold a conversation with them, etc. to find out how they are on a date. You are overly invested in a woman you have never met.

Its uncomfortable to know someone you haven't met is so invested in you going out with them -- scary really.

When someone is a healthy dater, they are open to communicating with others until they actually go on a date with someone. you should be trying to meet other women and if she comes back on the radar - great.

 

Please never send her another note. I wish that you were able to unsend it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
WOW. You really sent that? Maybe i am wrong, but if i received something like that, I would run. I would not contact you again.

You knew her Grandma was in the hospital. You expressed your concern. The ball was in her court.

Like i said, if you really wanted to contact her again - i would wait several weeks and just say "i hope your grandma is doing well" and if she responds great if not- no biggie.

BUT THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. DO NOT DO THAT NOW>

All of this reiterating of what you already said before would make me wonder if you would not respect my boundaries or you are desperate.

I mean, after all, you have not even met her yet. You can't be 'really into her'. When you communicate just online or a phone call - that's research to find out if you can hold a conversation with them, etc. to find out how they are on a date. You are overly invested in a woman you have never met.

Its uncomfortable to know someone you haven't met is so invested in you going out with them -- scary really.

When someone is a healthy dater, they are open to communicating with others until they actually go on a date with someone. you should be trying to meet other women and if she comes back on the radar - great.

 

Please never send her another note. I wish that you were able to unsend it.

 

I agree; I think your text was a bit overbearing, personally. Going in depth about the date was not needed and it was not the time to bring it up; it makes you sound a bit overeager. I also agree with abitbroken about how the message should have just been "hi hope your grandma is doing well."

Link to post
Share on other sites

Trust me I know it was and I won't be making that mistake again, once is enough for me. Never done this before in all my previous relationships and dating experiences but then again, this is probably the first time I've been ghosted, so it's my ego talking. Thanks for the responding guys.

Edited by SimplyScience10
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...