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First Vacation W/o Wife, Dad Getting Remarried, Sister Issues


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Hi all,

 

Long time poster on ENA. As a quick backstory, my wife and I were together for ten years (Married for 5 years). She moved out about 6 weeks and I decided to file for divorce about 3 weeks ago because I told her I wanted to work on things (She didn't and wanted a clean break/started talking to another guy.) Needless to say, it's been a rough six weeks. Some of the issues in my marriage stemmed from the hurt I felt when my parents got divorced three years ago after 32 years of marriage. My Mother is terminally ill and my Dad is marrying his mistress tomorrow. I took a lot of the responsibility associated w/ taking care of my Mom when my Dad despite living three hours away. I was always close with both parents. My Mom was especially upset since this is taking place on the same weekend as Mother's Day....

 

My Dad is getting married in a city that my wife and I frequently traveled to together to see her family and some of my family. This is my first time here without her. In fact, his wedding ceremony will be held in a hotel that my wife and I visited when we were looking at wedding venues 6-7 years ago. Talk about ironic and even worse for me. My sister, who is also getting divorced, is also in town for this. My sister, who I haven't written a lot about in here, is dealing with her divorce and is having a lot of psychological issues. She had a bad eating disorder and is just all over the map emotionally. I'm trying to be strong for her.

 

Needless to say, I'm not feeling great today. I was supposed to stay with my Dad and his fiancee tonight, but I hate his fiancee and decided just to stay an extra night at the hotel. My Dad wasn't happy about that. My Dad was a great dad to me; he was always there for me, but I just hate his fiancee. Her and I don't get along. She hated my wife as well.

 

Sometimes, I wonder how I hold it all together. Between (i) my divorce, which is pending because who knows what's going with it because they haven't been able to serve my wife yet/my wife hasn't retained an attorney, (ii) my Dad marrying the woman he cheated on my Mom w/, (iii) my sister going through a very rough patch, and (iv) this wedding occurring in a city that my wife and I spent a lot of time in. Man, this is going to be tough weekend, but I plan on being social and just getting out as much as possible. Luckily, there's a beach and pool nearby, but damn, this is going to be a tough weekend.

 

I know she came to this area for Easter. I wonder how it was for her. It's hard as hell for me.

 

Just looking for some words of encouragement here. I've been super active over the last six weeks. I've felt super strong. I just feel the wall of emotions hitting me tonight and I'm looking for some support. I had to fly here as well and felt anxious getting on the plane, despite traveling frequently for work.

Edited by thekid55
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Feeling for you big time, friend.

 

It takes a lot of courage—and a lot of strength—to post like this, and to just acknowledge that sometimes life really has a way of coming for you on all sides. Sometimes just acknowledging it—and having it heard—is what we need to keep stepping forward.

 

You're going to make it through the weekend, and you'll do so with grace. When the big thoughts and feelings come, let them. They're part of things right now, nothing to be ashamed of or to push away. Acknowgdlge them—and, hey, if that means excusing yourself for a moment, all good. And if it means Dad is a little disappointed that you need your own hotel room to keep your emotional equilibrium in check—also all good. He's a big boy, and whatever his faults as a husband to your mother, it means he raised a son who knows how to look out for himself.

 

Wish I had the magic button to soften the sharpest edges when they come, but, alas, no button exists so far as I know. Pools and beaches, though? They help.

 

Best of luck.

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First off I’m a follower of your story and I’m sorry you’re going through a hard weekend.

 

Second, how is she still not served? Didn’t she say she would be available on 4/26 which was like almost 2 weeks ago? Your lawyers sure do seem to be slow bucking this process. I’d be hella pissed if it were me. Just seems like unnessesary limbo, I hope that gets done soon.

 

Third, you pushed to reach this point.... hard, like full steam ahead you were brutal with your cut off game, which is your prerogative, once things slowed down it’s only natural all those natural emotions came bubbling up. Try to stay in the moment and even keeled, breathe, don’t do anything crazy or drastic, avoid drama, just be there for your dad, you’ll be ok.

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First off I’m a follower of your story and I’m sorry you’re going through a hard weekend.

 

Second, how is she still not served? Didn’t she say she would be available on 4/26 which was like almost 2 weeks ago? Your lawyers sure do seem to be slow bucking this process. I’d be hella pissed if it were me. Just seems like unnessesary limbo, I hope that gets done soon.

 

Third, you pushed to reach this point.... hard, like full steam ahead you were brutal with your cut off game, which is your prerogative, once things slowed down it’s only natural all those natural emotions came bubbling up. Try to stay in the moment and even keeled, breathe, don’t do anything crazy or drastic, avoid drama, just be there for your dad, you’ll be ok.

 

My attorney served the papers to her attorney. Her attorney stated he wasn't formally retained yet (this was last week). We followed up, but no response yet. Just a weird process. She's a teacher, so I think there's certain restrictions about servers going into the school? I gave the process server the license plate and everything.

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Wow good luck, I agree this will be a rough weekend for you. Do your best to be cordial and dont feel bad if you need to leave the event a little early, you need to take care of you.

 

When I got divorced we didnt use a lawyer as there was nothing to fight about, no kids, no house, we had our own possessions and I took my stuff and left. Once lawyers get involved, the cost can go thru the roof and everything just gets complicated. Anything you can do to keep it simple will help you get thru it easier.

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You're taking on too much. Start letting things roll off your back and try not to dabble in things that are none of your business. Your dad's relationship is really none of your business and neither is your sister's divorce. Your mum's health cannot be helped (I'm sorry to say that) so learning to accept the inevitable may bring you more peace and steadiness in this difficult time. Illness like that is never easy but that type of betrayal between your parents is not on you so drop it. You chose to go to your dad's wedding. You really didn't have to. I'm not suggesting that you're doing the wrong thing. I'm only reminding you that it was your choice to go. You don't sound like you've made peace with your dad and you certainly don't like his new wife so why you're going at all is something you have to answer to yourself privately.

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My heart goes out to you. I'd focus on the pride you feel in your resilience rather than talking yourself into feeling lousy. Sure, it's reasonable to acknowledge the hardships, but then decide what kind of spin you want to put on your ability to handle your time and focus.

 

In other words, talk yourself UP instead of down, and this will make the time pass faster and more easily. Picture yourself feeling proud of how well you muscled through this time rather than drilling yourself into a deeper hole of suffering the difficulty.

 

Whenever circumstances are beyond our control, it's always best to remind ourselves of our power to control our responses to them. We may not always feel great, but there's something to be said for using our own intelligence and narrative skills in our own favor rather than using them against ourselves to feel worse than necessary.

 

Head high, you can do this.

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My attorney served the papers to her attorney. Her attorney stated he wasn't formally retained yet (this was last week). We followed up, but no response yet. Just a weird process. She's a teacher, so I think there's certain restrictions about servers going into the school? I gave the process server the license plate and everything.

 

It's kind of ridiculous to serve a person at their place of employment anyway as far as I'm concerned. Talk about potential public humiliation. She doesn't have a home address?

 

Your lawyer could have sent them certified mail to her new home address and it wouldn't matter if she had a lawyer on retainer or not.

 

 

Good luck this weekend. Some pool time with a Margarita in hand is called for. Give yourself some time to cry if you need. You don't have to be strong every day.

Try to forget it all and just make it a weekend vacation about having fun.

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Today went a lot better than I thought it would! I woke up nice and early, met my sister in the lobby, kept her stuff in my room, and treated her to a nice breakfast. My sister said she barely recognized me because I've gotten into such great shape. (I received a lot of compliments throughout the day). Thankfully, she ate a full breakfast and we updated each other on our lives. She was telling me about the new guy she dating, some career updates, etc. I kept things light and jokey; I didn't bring up my wife at all. I talked about work, rehashed old family memories, etc. We were laughing the whole time. After breakfast, we got changed and went to the beach for a few hours. I reserved us a nice cabana and we spent a few hours on the beach together. We swam, hung out, told jokes, etc. Afterwards, we parted and got ready for the wedding.

 

The wedding itself was a little weird. My new stepmom didn't greet us at all. She seemed annoyed, but maybe she was nervous? Who knows. Only the kids (my sister and I plus my stepmom's kids) were invited. The stepmom's kids were very attentive to all of the details associated with the wedding (e.g., carrying stuff around). My sister and I just had to show up and stand there, which was great. We all took some pictures afterwards. My sister and I took some great photos together. She posted them to social media and one of her co-workers thought we were dating LOL awkward. The ceremony was short, it briefly rained, and then we all had a quick drink before dinner. The drinks definitely lighted everyone up; we started to connect more with the stepmom's kids, who are about 10 years younger. We had a nice dinner, cake, and my sister and I finished the night by grabbing one last drink and playing an arcade claw machine (We won a small prize and gave it to a kid, LOL)

 

My sister asked me about my wife several times throughout the day. My sister asked me if I was dating other people and whether I missed my wife. I told her that I'm meeting new people through different avenues (volunteer work, online dating just to chat.) In terms of 'missing her', I told her that things are what they are at this point. I saw her texting my wife at one point. My wife and my sister are close and hung out a few weeks ago. (My wife needed to get some of her things from my sister's house, so she went there and they had lunch. I asked my sister how my wife was and she said that she was doing well, but looked dead tired). At first, I opposed to them talking, but I don't really care anymore. I'm the man and anyone is lucky to be apart of my life.

 

My big takeaway from today: My sister and I had a great day together. Her and I haven't been close, but this experience has brought us together. I had her laughing all day long, I paid her way for all activities, and tried to keep a smile on her face. She seemed relieved and happy all day long. Everything happens for a reason---and maybe this is a way for us to reconnect and build a better relationship. I love my sister and we have such fun together. I'm looking forward to another fun day tomorrow.

 

My Dad seemed generously happy to marry this woman. I don't like her at all and think she's disgusting, but he's happy. I'm happy for my Dad despite my feelings about her personally.

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Great update, Kid. So glad to hear that you're bonding with your sister and that your Dad is happy. What has his wife done to make you hate her?

 

Hey Catfeed, thanks for the reply. My Dad introduced us (my sister, her husband, my wife) to her about 5 years ago while he was separated from our Mom. He chose to introduce her at our family beach house. (Terrible decision). At first, the conversation was very casual. Then, she started to talk about our Mom and we told her that we didn't want to talk about our Mom with her because it's none of her business. She was insistent upon talking about her. We all left the gathering and went home. A few months later, we saw her again and she brought up our Mom, again. This led to another huge argument and showed that she didn't respect our boundaries.

 

Since these encounter, we've seen her maybe three times over the last four years. She hasn't brought up our Mom again, but she showed she didn't respect our boundaries. She has made an effort to connect with us and has tried to get to know us, but we've put walls up. I really don't want to have a relationship with her.

 

Our Mom has MS and is terminally ill. She can't get around her well anymore and will likely need to live in 'Assisted Living' within the next year or so. Granted, I wasn't part of my parents' marriage, but it's just tough to watch your Mom decay, physically and emotionally, see your Dad take off with his mistress (and marry her despite his kids not liking her at all).

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Well, I'm about to fly home, but I wanted to post one last update.

 

Last night, my Dad and his new wife invited me to dinner. My sister flew home a few hours earlier, so it was only the three of us. I've always had an eerie feeling about these types of meetings because I feel cornered, but I gave it a shot anyway since the weekend was going well.

 

My Dad and sister have had a rocky relationship since his new wife entered the picture. He started to see her in 2010. Anyway, my Dad and sister were always very close, but things happened when his new wife entered the picture. He wanted to ask me about my sister and seek ways to rebuild the relationship with her. I gave him my honest opinion about the situation. I told him that my sister is very hurt, feels like she's been replaced, etc. My sister has deep psychological issues now, had an eating disorder, etc. I told him that she has to dictate the relationship with him at this point. He started talking about how badly my sister treats him, how she's mean, etc. I re-iterated that my sister is very hurt, is unstable right now, and he has to listen to her and appeal to her emotions. He wasn't having it.

 

Towards the end of the dinner, he said that his relationship with his new wife was the #1 priority in his life. That hit me hard. His actions have shown us that that's the case, but hearing him say it out-loud hurt. I thanked them for dinner and just walked out of the restaurant. I went for an hour-long walk alone. He called me several times and I agreed to meet up with him later in the night.

 

Later in the night, him and I met. I told him that I was hurt by his words (even though his actions have confirmed this words). I always felt like kids should become ahead of any girlfriend, but he kept using the excuse that 'we're adults now, we should live our own lives, blah blah blah'. I agree that we're all adults, but kids don't want to feel like they're in second place to mistress that he married.

 

In closing, I told him that I was angry with his behavior. When I was a child, I observed a lot of his passive behavior and adopted it for myself. This led to a lot of hurt and pain in my relationships because I didn't have proper boundaries. I told him this---and he apologized, saying that he wasn't man enough to see what he was doing. I've unlearned most of those behaviors, but it took me a long time to fix it.

 

Before we left, I told him that we all make decisions. The fact that he chose to marry this woman, despite our reservations and issues with her, would mean that he won't see us as often. We associate her with a lot of bad feelings/memories and seeing him is just something that we feel like we 'have to do'. It's no longer enjoyable. It hurts because we used to love seeing my Dad. He was a great Dad and we always had so much fun together. He was my one 'safe person' in life---and now I feel like I don't have that anymore. It sucks and I'm hurt by all of this. I can't wait to go home.

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