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One night stand before official


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Hi , my fiancé and I have been together for a year. We originally started talking online (Instagram) while he was overseas in Nepal. We talked and talked for a month and when he got back we went on a date and hit it off straight away.. we were together for 2 months when he told me that while he was away he had a one night stand (while we were talking) I was really hurt at first but forgave him and thought I had moved on.. I had also kissed a guy before we had met in person. We are getting married next month.. and I am reallly struggling with what he did :( we are really in love.. it’s just my mind is going crazy, is it possible to get over this? Am I overthinking it?

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Married pretty much within a year? For your entire relationship, you've been struggling with the fact he banged a lady before you and he had even met? There's nothing to "forgive him" for. Only red flag for me would be him feeling so compelled to tell you, though I don't know if it was by your request he provide it.

 

A whole lot of "why" here, namely why such a hurry to become a divorce statistic?

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So he had sex before you met each other and you shared a kiss before you met each other.

What’s the problem?

My guess is that you are getting married to someone you barely know and you have cold feet. And looking for a way out.

He did not wrong you at all.

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What everyone else is saying.

 

Like j.man, I'm curious how this even came up. Did he bring it up? Or were you asking him—pressing him, maybe—about whether he was seeing anyone during your Instagram chat phase?

 

Bottom line here: there is noting to "forgive." He was a single man who had a one night stand. Just like your jog to first base means nothing in terms of how you feel about him, his jog around the bases means nothing about how he feels for you. There's no betrayal here, just a little jab of jealousy and insecurity that, frankly, I'm amazed you're even capable of holding onto as long as you have.

 

But if you can't let it go, call off the wedding. Nobody deserves to be in the dog house from day one because of something he did before he knew you.

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Just like with OLD, whether you're just talking or have actually met, it's wise to assume the other person is free to date or have sex with anyone they want, just as you are, until it gets to the point that two people decide to become exclusive. And even though people are dating others, it's stupid to tell or ask about it, and it's none of the other person's business, and you can see why. It's not fun to know about even though it's perfectly ethical.

 

Even though he did nothing wrong, the fact that you're not 100 percent confident in him being a good partner, you should shelve the wedding plans. How often do you get together with him now? What are the reasons you've chosen him as a lifetime partner? Is he financially stable? Does he make you a priority? Does he lack dealbreakers? Does he possess all of your must-haves? Does he share your ethics and life goals? Have you seen how he reacts under stressful circumstances? Does he take care of you when you're sick? Does he come to your aid if your car breaks down?

 

Until you give your relationship more time to answer all of these questions, enjoy dating and have a wait and see attitude. A person will begin to show his real self past the honeymoon period. If he is an upstanding person and shows, over a long period of time that he is great relationship material and you still can't let something he didn't do wrong go, maybe you should seek therapy.

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I think you are craycray for not giving it more time. You can't count talking online as time spent dating. I truly think you should hold off on marrying this dude. Your gut is screaming at you....you better listen. If it doesn't feel right, then it's not.

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Yes it's possible to get over it... you need to own your part here. Your envy, jealousy and insecurity is your problem not his. My guess is that there are more problems underneath the surface of this one that are triggering these feelings for you... either problems with you or problems with the relationship.

 

You need to take some personal responsibility and deal with whatever these are and move forward if you want your marriage to work.

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If you don't like it, you don't like it. Period. You do not have to keep putting yourself in the position where you have to get comfortable with anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. I'd postpone the marriage date and find out more about each other. You are not comfortable with his past and that is entirely valid. Use your instincts and stop pushing these gut instincts into the ground. You're born with them for a reason and not listening to them is just foolish.

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We were basically online dating when it happened... we were talking intimately. I think I’m battling jealousy with his past relationships/encounters

 

and I think you shouldn't marry someone you hardly know and whom you can't put in the past something he did when you two hadn't even met. If you love him enough to want to marry him this quick, why did you kiss that other guy? If anything, the both of you weren't very faithful during your pre meeting "intimate talking."

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The problem with that type of demon is that there is no resolution, since the past can not be changed or undone. Pick your battles..and if you want issues at least pick some that can be changed/improved. Unless you need a reason to have an unchangeable thing hanging over his head?

We were basically online dating when it happened... we were talking intimately. I think I’m battling jealousy with his past relationships/encounters
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Yeah I'm a bit baffled by this on line "dating" thing.

 

I've asked this before on other threads but never got a proper answer.

 

How does this work exactly? Can you describe what your typical "on line date" entails?

 

Do you eat dinner together on line for example? Over Skype or something?

 

How about sharing a kiss, and other intimate acts?

 

Going for a walk together? Sharing an activity together?

 

I'm not being flip, promise, I am really curious.

 

Were you exclusively dating on line?

 

Did you discuss and agree, is that why you feel hurt and betrayed by his actions before you met in person?

 

Frankly I need more context and understanding of your on line dynamic so if you could answer these questions, it would be much appreciated.

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Nothing matters until you met. I think getting married within a year is really fast and that you should postpone the wedding to get to know eachother better. Date for real. Push the wedding back a full year. Two would be even better.

 

Online “dating” isn’t dating.

 

He was a stranger to you even if you two were sexting, and free to see others.

 

Online dating meaning you are matched online and then you meet. texting is not a relationship if you have not met.

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Online dating meaning you are matched online and then you meet. texting is not a relationship if you have not met.

 

Yup, and to add, OP dating is going out on actual dates. Spending real time together, dinner, movies, drinks, happy hours, events, shared activities, etc. In person.

 

What you were doing, talking/chatting, was "interacting" on line, huge difference.

 

People often mistake the two, which trips them up as when they view it as "dating" their expectations increase, and when the person you're 'interacting' with doesn't meet those expectations, feelings get hurt, resentment builds, confusion and doubts set in, just as is happening now with you.

 

You have a right to your feelings/jealousy, we all do, but it's wrong to impose those feelings on him as he did nothing "wrong" per se, you were not exclusively dating, heck you were not even dating, you were simply chatting/interacting on line.

 

My advice moving forward is when meeting someone on line, keep things in persprctive until you meet in person.

 

Chat/talk, have fun w each other, but lower your expectations and never view it as a "dating" situation.

 

You should both be meeting and dating others in real life (including sex if you want) and if/when you meet in person and the chemistry is there, then start dating.

 

But talking/chatting on line?? That is not "dating."

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But talking/chatting on line?? That is not "dating."

 

I dunno. It just seems to becoming more and more `normal'

It's the sign of the times, I suppose. I am assuming these people are spending hours face timing, etc.

 

(I had an ex who would travel for work and wanted us to watch a tv shows together, while skyping and I shut that idea down quickly)

 

But I wholeheartedly agree. It does not in an way replace a RL day to day relationship.

It's also probably no surprise that most of these fail when and if they ever cross over in the real world.

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