mcd7854 Posted May 8, 2019 Share Posted May 8, 2019 Hello everyone, I am in quite a horrible situation and would like some opinions. I am 23 (F) and my boyfriend is 28 (M). We met online at the beginning of last year. We started sending messages and with time became more and more interested in each other, it seemed like we could completely understand each other, something that due to our personalities doesn't happen very often (I'm an INFJ on Myers Briggs and he's INFP). As soon as we started talking, he told me he has Bipolar II. He said it had destroyed his previous relationships because he wasn't aware of it but that now he had sought help and was under the correct medication. I was a bit shocked by that and I was grateful that he made the effort to tell me something so personal so soon. We talked about it for a while, he answered my questions and other than his mood slightly changing from more active/positive/energetic to depressed every now and then it didn't seem like such a big issue. He also mentioned that due to the suicide of someone very close to him he had suffered Post Traumatic Strees. He explained that it had kind of blocked his emotions as a protection technique but that since it had happened so long ago, he had moved on. We kept talking and calling every day and six months after we met he came to my home country to visit. Everything was perfect. He was as nice as it seemed! We had the most wonderful time, I got to show him my life and so many different places and we got to see that the real as was just as we expected. It was when he visited that I realized I had fallen in love with him. He helped me get out of my square world ( I am organized, morally driven, and always aiming for self improvement, often too demanding of myself. He is relaxed, adrenaline driven) and he said I helped him want to be better and gave him structure. So, two months later, I made the effort to visit him (it's very expensive and far away). Everything seemed perfect again. His family was so nice and welcoming to me and he had organized this huge trip so that I could see some different parts of his country. We talked about the future and decided that it was more logical for me to move to his country since the employment there is better and I speak the language. It would just be easier. He came back to visit at Christmas and again, we had a lovely time. It only looked like it was getting better. It was then when we decided that I would apply for a temporary visa to move with him and see how things go. The visa got approved in March and I immediately started looking for plane tickets. He knew how hard it would be for me: I had to leave my dog there for now, quit my job, sell my car, leave family and everything I was familiar with; so he moved heaven and earth to be able to buy last minute plane tickets and go there just a week before we came together, to be with me, support me and try to make it easier. Now, we have been living together for over a month and it seems to keep getting worse and worse every time. We have constant arguments when we both hate conflict, which makes us sour and is taking a toll on our relationship. I always said before coming that it would be a really difficult situation and that I would need support more than ever. The first two weeks were ok but then the problems started. I haven't been able to find a job yet so I am sitting at home all day by myself while he goes to work, so excited for the moment he gets home to be with him, because that's what I moved here for after all. He started mentioning every day that he understood but that he needed alone time. That he felt suffocated and was stressed. He even said to me that he was looking forwards to moving on to night shift so that when he got home I would be asleep and he could finally be alone. That was obviously very hurtful to hear. At the time I thought he was being incredibly insensitive and that he wasn't valuing all that I had given up for him. We talked about it and I ended up agreeing that I would give him alone time but that he also had to make an effort. I am not someone who would normally stress about that, I need alone time myself, it is just the situation. My parents told me since I have been here that they are getting a divorce so that doesn't make me feel less pressure and stress either. I feel like the world is on me and that he doesn't really understand it. With this, his behavior towards me changed as well: no nice messages, no nice gestures no nothing. It all vanished into thin air. I am very affectionate (especially at the moment) and he knows that but yet every time we kiss / hug it is because I start it. He said if he got his alone time he would be more prone to be like that. So I gave it to him. Over the weekend, he jumped on the computer several times for hours and went out to see his dad (who is also his friend) on his own while I stayed at home. We have also being seeing his friends together and he saw them alone in a couple of occasions. I was expecting that since I had made an effort he would too. Still, no nice gestures nor words. I got upset and talked about it with him. I said it wasn't really fair, that just like he needed the alone time I needed him to be there for me. He kept talking about the Post Traumatic Stress and how his emotions are blocked and I said that maybe he could see a psychologist and it might help him feel better and not as awkward. Then he said that he didn't know if he wanted to and that maybe that is just the way he is and that he wishes I could love him for who he is. He agrees on the idea of going together but every time he says it is not going to work. Yesterday, he published a post seeking for help. He told me about it and when showed me the answers, saying he wasn't the only one to se it that way, that it was something very normal and that I am just too needy. I couldn't believe what I was reading, I asked him are you sure you mentioned all the factors and we're objective? He said he tried his best too. I looked it up and read it and I felt so disappointed. Maybe this was a mistake of mine for not respecting his privacy but I was starting to doubt myself and my sanity.. So I figured out I should do the same to see whether the answers imply the same. He said his post gave him the answers he needed to hear in spite of it being completely true or not and that it made him see what he could do for me affection wise. We had a really good day yesterday, he sent me a sweet message and I felt so uplifted from just that that I prepared a surprise for when he got home (candles + food + a poem). Everything was fine and then he told me about this post. We agreed we were going to try our hardest to not have arguments because that only brings us both down and that we would try to meet halfway. Just after that he says that then I should be ok with him spending Friday night and sleeping over at his friend's. I got upset because I have casual work this weekend on both Saturday and Sunday and I said I thought you might do it then so that at least we can spend a day together. He immediately realized and apologized. But that brought us to something different. Apparently now he wants to be able to spend the night at his friend's every second Friday to consume marijuana. Ever since we met I told him I hated cigarettes (he quit) and drugs. He didn't mention he used it until after I visited him last year. We had an argument about that and I said a definite NO to the smoking part. He said he didn't even think he would want to do it when I was here and that if he did it would be very rare (that gave me the impression of every few months). So we made that compromise. Now, I have to be willing for him to do it every fortnight just because "his views on the matter changed". We fought about it last night and after all, that seems to be the point of no return. I feel like spending the night apart every two weeks is too much. It doesn't mean he can't see his friends. I thought we could see them together sometimes and he could see them on his own some others. The only reason why he wants to do that is because every two weeks he gets a Friday off so he can consume marijuana without any risk of getting in trouble at work on Monday (they are implementing drug testing). I feel so disappointed and can't believe that after all this is the reason that would break us up. Is he right and I am asking for too much? Am I to needy? To me it just looks like I only give and don't really receive anything in exchange. I can answer your questions if you have any. Thanks in advance for your answers. Link to comment
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