I am in a new relationship and found out my boyfriend is bff's with his ex

[susy]

I am in a new relationship and just found out my boyfriend is best friends with his ex. They met 5 years ago and after dating for a few months my boyfriend decided she was not what he is looking for in a partner and they mutually agreed to remain as friends. He has expressed she is an important of his life and they have been there for each other through the good and bad and they constantly talk and hang out. So here is the thing…she still has feelings for him and has even asked him to get back together as a couple. However he does not reciprocate those feelings and sees her as a best friend. So I am curious to know what others think or would do in a situation like mine?? Thank you in advance for your feedback :)

[Hollyj]

I would not be cool with this.

 

As a 'friend,' he should have ended the friendship, as it is painful for her. He likes the attention he gets from this dynamic. This says something of his character.

 

I would let him go.

[Sportster2005]

I am in a new relationship and just found out my boyfriend is best friends with his ex. They met 5 years ago and after dating for a few months my boyfriend decided she was not what he is looking for in a partner and they mutually agreed to remain as friends. He has expressed she is an important of his life and they have been there for each other through the good and bad and they constantly talk and hang out. So here is the thing…she still has feelings for him and has even asked him to get back together as a couple. However he does not reciprocate those feelings and sees her as a best friend. So I am curious to know what others think or would do in a situation like mine?? Thank you in advance for your feedback :)

 

I would be out of there. I have been in a near similar situation, and I just said no. What other people think about it doesn't matter. It's a showstopper for me. I get the women and men friend thing, but there are boundaries.

[j.man]

What do you think and want to do?

 

For as piss poor I and many others may consider his boundaries, at the end of the day, he's laid it all out for you. You take it or leave it. I know what I'd do, and it wouldn't be to assume I can barrel into a new relationship and police a social dynamic someone has enjoyed for 5+ years before my blip of a presence.

 

Life's a lot better and easier when you realize trying to shove a round peg into a square hole and getting all kinds of petty in the process really isn't worth it. I'd tell him I appreciate his openness but that our senses of boundaries are about a hemisphere away from each other, and I'd wish him the best.

[bluecastle]

What do you think and want to do?

 

For as piss poor I and many others may consider his boundaries, at the end of the day, he's laid it all out for you. You take it or leave it. I know what I'd do, and it wouldn't be to assume I can barrel into a new relationship and police a social dynamic someone has enjoyed for 5+ years before my blip of a presence.

 

Life's a lot better and easier when you realize trying to shove a round peg into a square hole and getting all kinds of petty in the process really isn't worth it. I'd tell him I appreciate his openness but that our senses of boundaries are about a hemisphere away from each other, and I'd wish him the best.

 

This.

 

And I say that as someone with an ex-gf who I consider a bff, and who is up front about this when it comes to new romance. But in my situation? My ex lives happily with a man and a child 3,000 miles away and our relationship has been purely platonic—on both sides—for 15 years. Even that, I get, is not for everyone. But it's part of the package I come with.

 

I'll give him credit for being transparent about things, but I don't think he deserves a gold star for maintaining a "friendship" with someone who wants to be his girlfriend and then asking potential new girlfriends to be, like, totally on board with that. If you want to be that girlfriend—because that's exactly what he's looking for right now, rather than looking to assert clearer boundaries with his friend—continue onward, no judgement.

 

But life is short, emotional bandwidths are limited, and in your shoes I'd also be wishing him the best while moving forward to find someone for whom connection doesn't require this kind of tightrope walk.

[DancingFool]

For a friendship to be truly genuine and platonic, both people have to be on the same page about it. In this case, only one is, the other wants more. Agree with Holly that it doesn't speak well of his character to continue to maintain a "friendship" when he knows that she wants more. It's kind of cruel and selfish. The way he treats others.....it's how he'll treat you eventually as well. I wouldn't stick around. Not because I'd be worried that he'll cheat or leave me for her, but because I wouldn't think much of him as a person at large.

[abitbroken]

If someone went on a couple dates and realized it felt more like a brother/sister/friend vibe and after the third date they decided to be friends and find other people to date and there had been no sex/kissing, i would have no problem with them being friends - there was never a relationship there. But its the fact that she has feelings and they are besties. That would be a full stop for me. If when she confessed feelings, he didn't cut ties with her (no more besties) forever or until her feelings faded, then I could not be in a relationship with him. Its not about her, but him. He keeps her around for an ego stroke or to keep her on the backburner.

 

I would next him.

[lostandhurt]

I agree with everyone above.

 

At least you found out early. Basically what you have here is an ex gf that wants to get back with him and hangs out with and talks to your bf all the time. How is that good for any relationship?

 

This whole ex friendship thing from what I have read on this site has about an 3% success rate. I don't get it...

 

Lost

[Starlight925]

I agree with everyone above.

 

At least you found out early. Basically what you have here is an ex gf that wants to get back with him and hangs out with and talks to your bf all the time. How is that good for any relationship?

 

This whole ex friendship thing from what I have read on this site has about an 3% success rate. I don't get it...

 

Lost

 

Agree with everyone above. I went through this in my last relationship and no, this did not work out for all the reasons that everyone has stated.

 

There's a reason you came here to post; there's a reason you feel this isn't right. Because it isn't, on so many levels.

 

As everyone else has said, the reason this doesn't feel right is because this is not a platonic friendship, but one in which she still wants him, and he knows this, so he enjoys the triangulation it brings.

 

He's enjoying the discomfort of both of you: With you, he gets to feel the jealousy every time she texts him, and with her, he gets to feel her jealousy every time she contacts him, feeling him out, to see if things are still working out for the two of you.

 

A triangle is only ok on Sister Wives.

[katrina1980]

 

A triangle is only ok on Sister Wives.

 

I actually don't think it was ok for them either.

 

They only pretended it was.

 

And at times didn't even pretend it very well.. :)

[purplepaisley]

It would be difficult for me to know this BFF situation started with dating, but I could probably warm up to it if the relationship was purely platonic, and with that, I'm sure there would be a friendship forming with me and the girl as well. The fact that she still has feelings for him would be and end-game for me. He keeps her around knowing this, and it wouldn't surprise me if there's some serious flirting going on with both of them...you haven't witnessed any of this yet. Likewise, if I knew or caught a vibe that my (potential)BF was still attracted to or in love/crushing on his BFF who sees him as a buddy, I wouldn't want to stick around for that either.

 

I agree with j.man. You can't barely blip on the radar and expect changes in this 5+ year dynamic. You accept it as a package deal or walk. I can promise you, when this guy loses multiple potential mates because of this love struck puppy relationship, he'll make some changes on his own.

 

Vote with your feet. The situation isn't sitting well with you. You were probably hoping for some words of wisdom to talk you off the ledge, make you realize how irrational you're being, but you're not being irrational. I would not tolerate it. It's a package I cannot deal with. There will always be underlying mistrust, even jealousy.

[catfeeder]

I'd tell the guy that I really like him and can picture the two of us dating far into the future, and that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another--to preserve that potential. He gets to play friendzies with the ex for as long as he wants in order to finish his old business, and if he ever finds himself completely free and clear of any involvement with an ex, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Meanwhile, I wish him the best.

 

Read other posts on this forum to learn how dating someone who's still in contact with an ex turns out. All instances don't yurn out the same, but none of them turn out well.

 

Head high, and respect yourself.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Unfortunately you are the third wheel in this triangle. They are still a couple in an on/off drama and you are a pawn in this game they are playing. If she is his "best friend", what are you? A warm body for now?

 

Since it's new just cut your losses and date guys who are ready willing and able to date you exclusively..

I am in a new relationship and just found out my boyfriend is best friends with his ex. they constantly talk and hang out.