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Is it ok to be upset my boyfriend is hanging out with our female roommate?


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Am I just being too sensitive? We all just moved in together and mind you, it is our roommate's birthday today. My boyfriend said he was going to call me back after work, but he never did. Lately, its been bothering me that he never calls me after he gets off like he use to. He now just goes straight home and he and our female roommate get off at the same time. I get off later so I usually come home to them hanging out.

 

He forgot to call me back, didn't read any of my texts. He went straight home, gave her the wine for her birthday that we were going to give her together for her birthday, and they went surfing together. I came home early so we could maybe grab dinner together, but now I feel super left out and disregarded. I also have thats weird gross feeling in my stomach. Am I too sensitive?

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Thank you for your reply. I was living in an old beach house with 6 roommates and it was a coed house. I feel like I set boundaries and rules for myself and roomies to make sure he never felt jealous or insignificant to them. And if I did surf alone with just one of my guy roommates, I made sure to let him know. How can I talk to him about this without being accusatory

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I wouldn't jump to conclusions and act on emotions alone. Accusing him or suddenly becoming jealous will only push him away. How long have the two of you been dating? Are there other issues in your relationship? Why is he living with another woman?

 

I'm a big believer in male-female friendships, but they can be tricky at times if firm boundaries aren't in place.

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We've been dating for about 5 years. We finally moved in together, and we live in a 2 bedroom apartment with our roommate (female). I am a big believer of male-female friendships as well. I had male roommates, but I always put my boyfriend first. We have had a few problems with his drinking. So he has been sober and healthy now, and we do therapy monthly because of his drinking and he has ADHD.

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I'm going to assume that you trust your boyfriend and are happy with him—and that's why you guys took the step to move in, ostensibly with a friend you trust as well. Further assuming this is your first time living together, I'd take a deep breath and not jump to the most catastrophic conclusions or let jealousy be your guide.

 

There's always an adjustment period in moving in with someone, and with that comes some communication to smooth out the inevitable wrinkles that come with cohabitation. Him not replying to your texts as fast or calling you when he gets off, for instance—well, that could very well be because he now knows more or less exactly when he'll see you. And, well, it's hard to read texts when you're out on the water.

 

Curious: Is this the first instance since moving in where he hasn't called or texted you in a familiar pattern? Was that ever an issue before moving in?

 

And, as a fellow surfer, curious where y'all are catching these waves!

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Thank you for your reply. I was living in an old beach house with 6 roommates and it was a coed house. I feel like I set boundaries and rules for myself and roomies to make sure he never felt jealous or insignificant to them. And if I did surf alone with just one of my guy roommates, I made sure to let him know. How can I talk to him about this without being accusatory

 

I would just tell him that you want to feel like his priority and if it were the other way around that you have always considered his feelings, and you wish for that to be reciprocated. His actions will speak louder than words, but also if he doesn’t know this bothers you, he can’t change without knowing how you feel. Often people are oblivious to their actions and how it makes someone feel, without ill intent. Let him know without sounding jealous or like he’s doing something wrong just put it on the table. After that you can judge by what he does next where his priorities lie

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Am I just being too sensitive? We all just moved in together and mind you, it is our roommate's birthday today. My boyfriend said he was going to call me back after work, but he never did. Lately, its been bothering me that he never calls me after he gets off like he use to. He now just goes straight home and he and our female roommate get off at the same time. I get off later so I usually come home to them hanging out.

 

He forgot to call me back, didn't read any of my texts. He went straight home, gave her the wine for her birthday that we were going to give her together for her birthday, and they went surfing together. I came home early so we could maybe grab dinner together, but now I feel super left out and disregarded. I also have thats weird gross feeling in my stomach. Am I too sensitive?

 

Not necessarily, but I'd rather not jump to conclusions. I have a couple of question for you, besides work and your relationship, what other hobbies or interests are you pursuing? Are you always easy to reach?

 

(Depending on your answers,) you may potentially be too available. I'm trying to phrase it better but unsuccessfully so.

Edited by greendots
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Sorry, you did mention surfing as a hobby...

 

And if I did surf alone with just one of my guy roommates, I made sure to let him know.

Do you still surf with mates or on your own?

 

]So he has been sober and healthy now, and we do therapy monthly because of his drinking and he has ADHD

It's great that he is sober and healthy now! Also, just wondering, do you attend therapy with him?

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I still surf with friends, mostly girls. BUT when I do surf with guys, I let him know first and make sure he is ok with it, out of consideration. I don't want him to feel left out or neglected if he were trying to get ahold of me, and I was actually out surfing with another guy, regardless of the fact that I am 100% loyal and committed to him.

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Not necessarily, but I'd rather not jump to conclusions. I have a couple of question for you, besides work and your relationship, what other hobbies or interests are you pursuing? Are you always easy to reach?

 

(Depending on your answers,) you may potentially be too available. I'm trying to phrase it better but unsuccessfully so.

 

 

thank you for being honest. I don't mind the harshness. I do research, so I am often in the lab and can't pick up my phone or call him until later. My hobbies include seeing friends family, reading biking. When I am doing those things, I make it a habit to just keep him in the loop because I think its rude to pick up the phone when you're out to lunch with friends/family. I text him before I surf, and if I am going to bike somewhere

Edited by ANELA
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I'm going to assume that you trust your boyfriend and are happy with him—and that's why you guys took the step to move in, ostensibly with a friend you trust as well. Further assuming this is your first time living together, I'd take a deep breath and not jump to the most catastrophic conclusions or let jealousy be your guide.

 

There's always an adjustment period in moving in with someone, and with that comes some communication to smooth out the inevitable wrinkles that come with cohabitation. Him not replying to your texts as fast or calling you when he gets off, for instance—well, that could very well be because he now knows more or less exactly when he'll see you. And, well, it's hard to read texts when you're out on the water.

 

Curious: Is this the first instance since moving in where he hasn't called or texted you in a familiar pattern? Was that ever an issue before moving in?

 

And, as a fellow surfer, curious where y'all are catching these waves!

 

Thank you, your perspective helped me relax a little knowing this is just an adjustment period and we have to communicate these issues. In our relationship, we found we can avoid any worry and conflict by just checking in with each other and to keep each other in the loop, it makes it easier to trust each other. So either of us go out to surf we text/call, if we have plans with friends we let each other know. And typically, we've always called each other after work to figure out dinner plans for the night - if we want to have dinner together or not. But since moving in together, he has stopped.

 

And I can see why he would think he doesn't need to when we live together. It just makes me feel a little uncomfortable and left out when he doesn't text/call back per usual, and instead goes straight home and our female roommate just happens to be there. I love her, and she's really sweet. But as a girlfriend, I can't help but feel hurt by it. I called my boyfriend twice to see if I should pick up something for her birthday, or if maybe we should take her to dinner. I also texted....No responses. So I went home early and it turns out they left to go surfing together, and he had already given her our present. If we weren't roommates with her, this would be weird and a little inappropriate in my book of relationship values. Since we do live together, the circumstances are different, but they nevertheless still make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

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If they happen to feel chemistry for each other, it's up to them to place boundaries, both emotional and with their behavior. You've put yourself in quite a bind here. I know that rent is expensive, and that when you're young, you're often forced to share space. It probably would've been better for you to have shared with another couple.

 

Instead of bottling up your irritation, it's okay to voice when you're upset, as in: We bought her present as a couple, and I was upset you gave it to her by yourself.

 

If you want to bring your relationship out of a "Friends" episode, and into a more mature stage, I'd look long and hard for an affordable place for just you two when the lease is up.

 

The only thing you can do in the meantime is ask for things you want, call out any boundary crossing by either of them, and hope for the best.

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Can you and your bf get part time jobs and save up for your own place? This group living arrangement is bound to generate some misunderstandings and jealousies like this. This is not about her. It's about your bf's ongoing challenges with reliable responsible behavior. He seems like a 'where's the party!" type of guy.

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Way too much emphasis on calling and texting, particularly if you two are a live-in couple who should enjoy the assurance of being together pretty much every morning and evening.

 

It's odd to me that being unavailable to text or call back can't simply be assumed or inferred. I think it's fine if you feel so compelled to give a heads up, but I don't think it's something that needs to be expected. I'm sure you both know each other to be normal people with normal social and professional obligations, and that there are just going to be times one of you can't pick up the phone or simply don't notice a call or forget to call back. If I call my wife and she doesn't pick up or if she doesn't text back, there are about 100 different completely valid scenarios I'd assume before "She's not prioritizing me." I don't ask that she let me know whenever there's going to be a window I won't be able to be on the phone with her.

 

And frankly I find this whole "friendships with the opposite sex are dandy but we should check in about it every time we do it" dynamic incredibly strange. While in my ideal world all relationships would be cool about it, I understand enough aren't. So it's either something you do or something you don't. As long as both of you know this is in fact something you each do, it shouldn't be a consideration for either of you. It's either a friendship that respects all the same boundaries that are in place in a same-sex friendship or it's not. Honestly, I'd be quicker to assume the latter if my lady did make it a point to let me know whenever she went to lunch or a quick happy hour with a male colleague.

 

And I mean, yeah, I guess it'd have been cool if he waited until you were home to give her the bottle of wine, but at the end of the day... it's a bottle of wine. It's something you relatively thoughtlessly pluck off the shelf at a liquor store to bring to any party. Not at all knocking the gift, but I don't think it's the worst thing if he treated it as just that and handed it to her to enjoy at her discretion through her birthday. I'd elect for the third option of just getting over it, but if you really can't, I suppose ask him to hold off until you're around in the future. Not worth raising a stink over, IMO.

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Frankly I am getting a bit tired of the question "do you trust him"? "Do you trust her"?

 

As if trusting your partner means dismissing/overlooking behaviour that is insensitive and/or at the very least questionable.

 

I trust my bf w all my heart, feel quite secure in our relationship, but if he suddenly started behaving the way your bf is, my spiney senses would be triggered big time and I would address it w him calmly and rationally.

 

Male/female friendships are fine of course, but not when it means shutting your partner (in this case you) out, suddenly not returning calls or texts when he typically does, presenting a gift from the both of you to her privately, going off surfing together (with the wine?) leaving you behind, etc, etc ugh!!

 

To me this suggests there may be a mutual attraction between them, and if me, I would not ignore this possibility; I would address it in a non-accusatory way, and if there is in fact a mutual attraction, I would make arrangements to move out asap.

 

If not, then hopefully you will reach a mutual understanding re appropriate boundaries within the context of a committed relationship, and move forward from there.

Edited by katrina1980
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Frankly I am getting a bit tired of the question "do you trust him"? "Do you trust her"?

 

As if trusting your partner means dismissing/overlooking behaviour that is insensitive and/or at the very least questionable.

 

I trust my bf w all my heart, feel quite secure in our relationship, but if he suddenly started behaving the way your bf is, my spiney senses would be triggered big time and I would address it w him calmly and rationally.

 

Male/female friendships are fine of course, but not when it means shutting your partner (in this case you) out, suddenly not returning calls or texts when he typically does, presenting a gift from the both of you to her privately, going off surfing together (with the wine?) leaving you behind, etc, etc ugh!!

 

To me this suggests there may be a mutual attraction between them, and if me, I would not ignore this possibility; I would address it in a non-accusatory way, and if there is in fact a mutual attraction, I would make arrangements to move out asap.

 

If not, then hopefully you will reach a mutual understanding re appropriate boundaries within the context of a committed relationship, and move forward from there.

 

Hi Katrina,

 

Thank you for your response. My stomach drops thinking about this. I don't want to assume anything. I can see everyone's point. I also play devils advocate and rationalize with my own feelings. I just don't think its fair to be in a constant situation where I feel uncomfortable.

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If they happen to feel chemistry for each other, it's up to them to place boundaries, both emotional and with their behavior. You've put yourself in quite a bind here. I know that rent is expensive, and that when you're young, you're often forced to share space. It probably would've been better for you to have shared with another couple.

 

Instead of bottling up your irritation, it's okay to voice when you're upset, as in: We bought her present as a couple, and I was upset you gave it to her by yourself.

 

If you want to bring your relationship out of a "Friends" episode, and into a more mature stage, I'd look long and hard for an affordable place for just you two when the lease is up.

 

The only thing you can do in the meantime is ask for things you want, call out any boundary crossing by either of them, and hope for the best.

 

Thank you Audrina for your response. I am hoping for the best too. Just an update for everyone. I did voice my feelings last night, he apologize, was receptive said he didn't think much of it - which I believe him. So I guess we will see how time goes. A second update, I did feel a pang of jealousy when I saw that she had posted a video of him hanging up our surfboard racks shirtless, and in his board shorts ( I don't think he knew that she took the video). I feel like its not a big deal, but I also feel a little weirded out by my boyfriend being shirtless on her social media. Again, maybe I am getting too into it than I should, but of course now the small things are bothering me.

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Can you and your bf get part time jobs and save up for your own place? This group living arrangement is bound to generate some misunderstandings and jealousies like this. This is not about her. It's about your bf's ongoing challenges with reliable responsible behavior. He seems like a 'where's the party!" type of guy.

 

He definitely is high energy. I am hoping in time we can generate more money to live on our own. I like you phrase "reliable responsible behavior" .... I think that will be key on his end, and patience and trust on my end

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Frankly I am getting a bit tired of the question "do you trust him"? "Do you trust her"?
Frankly, so am I. Jeeze we have to have boundaries in place or its very hard to learn to trust someone who, like this Op's b/f was putting another woman before her. He, if nothing else, is being disrespectful and unmindful of his girlfriend. The wine was from BOTH of them, him going ahead and presenting it to her without his girlfriend present was really chitty if nothing else.

 

As if trusting your partner means dismissing/overlooking behaviour that is insensitive and/or at the very least questionable.
Blind trust is a fools errand not to mention its hard to trust someone who is acting untrustworthy.

 

He made his Significant Other feel like she was less "significant" then the roommate. This has a lot more to do with a lack of consideration and respect for the person he is suppose to love then it does on whether or not she trusts him.

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Way too much emphasis on calling and texting, particularly if you two are a live-in couple who should enjoy the assurance of being together pretty much every morning and evening.

 

It's odd to me that being unavailable to text or call back can't simply be assumed or inferred. I think it's fine if you feel so compelled to give a heads up, but I don't think it's something that needs to be expected. I'm sure you both know each other to be normal people with normal social and professional obligations, and that there are just going to be times one of you can't pick up the phone or simply don't notice a call or forget to call back. If I call my wife and she doesn't pick up or if she doesn't text back, there are about 100 different completely valid scenarios I'd assume before "She's not prioritizing me." I don't ask that she let me know whenever there's going to be a window I won't be able to be on the phone with her.

 

And frankly I find this whole "friendships with the opposite sex are dandy but we should check in about it every time we do it" dynamic incredibly strange. While in my ideal world all relationships would be cool about it, I understand enough aren't. So it's either something you do or something you don't. As long as both of you know this is in fact something you each do, it shouldn't be a consideration for either of you. It's either a friendship that respects all the same boundaries that are in place in a same-sex friendship or it's not. Honestly, I'd be quicker to assume the latter if my lady did make it a point to let me know whenever she went to lunch or a quick happy hour with a male colleague.

 

And I mean, yeah, I guess it'd have been cool if he waited until you were home to give her the bottle of wine, but at the end of the day... it's a bottle of wine. It's something you relatively thoughtlessly pluck off the shelf at a liquor store to bring to any party. Not at all knocking the gift, but I don't think it's the worst thing if he treated it as just that and handed it to her to enjoy at her discretion through her birthday. I'd elect for the third option of just getting over it, but if you really can't, I suppose ask him to hold off until you're around in the future. Not worth raising a stink over, IMO.

 

Hi J.man

 

Thank you for your honest response. I don't think we ever made it an official rule to check in with each other, we just did it out of consideration for each other - as is with other couples, and everyone is different. So for me, a red flag went up when it suddenly stopped.

 

And you're correct, if I can't get ahold of him I never assume that he isn't prioritizing me until I fully know so. But when I do try to get ahold of him to try to figure out plans for our roommate's birthday, and it so happens to turn out he has already made plans with just her (given her the gift and taken her surfing), then I 100% interpret it as I am not a priority at the moment, and he did not consider to include me. (whether it was intentional or accidental is a different argument). And I don't think its fair for me to not only feel disregarded, but to actually be left out of her birthday plans.

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Hi J.man

 

Thank you for your honest response. I don't think we ever made it an official rule to check in with each other, we just did it out of consideration for each other - as is with other couples, and everyone is different. So for me, a red flag went up when it suddenly stopped.

 

And you're correct, if I can't get ahold of him I never assume that he isn't prioritizing me until I fully know so. But when I do try to get ahold of him to try to figure out plans for our roommate's birthday, and it so happens to turn out he has already made plans with just her (given her the gift and taken her surfing), then I 100% interpret it as I am not a priority at the moment, and he did not consider to include me. (whether it was intentional or accidental is a different argument). And I don't think its fair for me to not only feel disregarded, but to actually be left out of her birthday plans.

I think most women would feel the same way. At the very least they would feel disappointed that their boyfriend turned out to be such an dufus as to not consider his S.O.

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Frankly, so am I. Jeeze we have to have boundaries in place or its very hard to learn to trust someone who, like this Op's b/f was putting another woman before her. He, if nothing else, is being disrespectful and unmindful of his girlfriend. The wine was from BOTH of them, him going ahead and presenting it to her without his girlfriend present was really chitty if nothing else.

 

Blind trust is a fools errand not to mention its hard to trust someone who is acting untrustworthy.

 

He made his Significant Other feel like she was less "significant" then the roommate. This has a lot more to do with a lack of consideration and respect for the person he is suppose to love then it does on whether or not she trusts him.

 

Thank you thatwasthen, I think I just needed help justifying my feeling because I often doubt myself or rationalize against myself to make sure I am fair with the other person

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Thank you thatwasthen, I think I just needed help justifying my feeling because I often doubt myself or rationalize against myself to make sure I am fair with the other person

 

I hope that you find a time have a conversation with him how what he did made you feel. Use your *I* words rather that *You* words to explain.

 

Hopefully, he'll experience a lightbulb moment and won't continue to be a "dufus." :D

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I hope that you find a time have a conversation with him how what he did made you feel. Use your *I* words rather that *You* words to explain.

 

Hopefully, he'll experience a lightbulb moment and won't continue to be a "dufus." :D

 

Thank you for the reminder!! :)

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