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My Ex GF keeps contacting me after we broke up and I'm trying to figure out whats going on in her head. I've tried to implement no contact but she keeps contacting me in various ways. If anyone has an insight into what she's trying to do please let me know!

 

(15 days ago)

- Had a rough weekend were both of us essentially agreed that its not working out due to communication issues (but I suspect that there was more at play here like lingering resentment issues).

- After we agreed upon that, we laid in bed and chatted about her and me and our relationship for 45ish minutes, and things started to heat up again, so she decided to leave.

- We gave each other a hug and she said that this will be the last time we see each other. She left.

 

(15 days ago, 3 hours later)

- She phoned me. I didn't answer. She texted me about adware issues on her computer. I didn't respond for a while and was pretty standoffish and neutral with my responses, which were pretty spaced out.

- She eventually phoned again hours later, which I answered, and we ended up talking about her and me and our relationship for another 45 minutes.

- I eventually let her go so I could go back to homework. I planned on no contact at this point.

 

(11 days ago) She phoned me during the evening while I was working out. She phoned seven times in three hours. I didn't answer at all.

 

(10 days ago) I texted her 'that I was busy and that I hope she's doing well. No other contact.

 

(8 days ago)

- She phoned me a few times during the day on Saturday. I didn't' answer.

- She texted me that she missed my cat. Later in the day I texted her something like my cat was starting to like her (my cat was standoffish to her while we were together until recently). Thats it.

- She phoned me three other times during the day, which I didn't answer.

- She later texted me that she was in the neighbourhood and wanted to come see my cat. She soon texted me again to say that she was outside my house and wanted to come in. I was actually in bed taking a nap and it woke me up, and I stated something like 'um, I guess, but I need to get ready to go out in 30 minutes" . She said "ok". Went downstairs in my house coat and there she was at the door. Let her in. I ran around and got ready while she played with my cat.

- There was some brief and light chit chat but then I told her that I needed to go. I gave her a hug, we said that it was nice to see each other, and she left.

 

(6 days ago)

- She texted me a picture of someones cat.

- Didn't respond.

 

(5 days ago)

- I texted her that "I think I need some space to help get over this break up".

- She said 'alrighty'.

- didn't answer.

- Two hours later she texted me that this was harder than she thought, especially for the 'final' time that we break up. She stated that she drove to my house so many times for a chance to see me through the window or outside. But she never did see me.

- She then texted me that 'she wishes the best for me', and that 'she might block my number so she wouldn't contact me', which doesn't really make sense.

-didn't answer.

 

(2 day ago)

- 12:00 at night she phoned me. I didn't answer.

- I was laying on the coach in the living room, and I sat up, and I saw a car parked out front. Looked through the door to get a closer looked. It was her. I stood there for a minute thinking about what to do. Phoned her to try to figure out whats going on. Straight to voicemail. Phoned again and the same thing.

- walked away and texted her 'I see you'.

- She texted 'i see you too'.

- I texted 'what are you up to?

- She texted 'I didn't want be at home so I was driving around'.

- I texted 'so you came to my house?'

- She texted 'I have friends in the area'.

- Didn't answer.

- She texted 'Don't worry though I'm leaving now'.

- Didn't answer.

- 15 minutes later she texted 'I miss you a lot'.

- I texted 'thanks for telling me. I respect your decision to want to break up'.

- She 'texted it was a mutual decision and its for the best'.

- Didn't answer.

- She texted 'I thought about coming to the door to give you a hug but I didn't know if you wanted that'.

- Didn't answer.

 

 

I feel that either she wants to work things out, or otherwise get back into my life, doesn't want to admit it, or otherwise initiate it, and is providing opportunities for me to do so, or is trying to 'feel out' what I think. Or perhaps she doesn't want to get back together and just misses me. Or perhaps she's conflicted. I don't really know what shes thinking because she keeps initiating these things but says things like 'its for the best'. And at the same time she's pretty introverted and isn't really the best at communicating.

 

Anybody have any insights? I'm more interested in her mindset or what she wants rather than preventing this. Thanks! :)

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Totally understand to get her out of my life I could just ignore her, or tell her to leave me alone again. I'd like to try to figure out what she wants or why shes doing this despite my very limited, neutral responses.

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Frankly, I think its rather disturbing that you have kept such a detailed 'journal' of this situation. You are broken up. Either end it outright by blocking her or answer her and ask her what she wants. By doing this the way you are doing it, she has all the power in this situation and she is keeping you mired to her... to the extent that you have started a thread about it. She's in your head... get her out of it by doing something other then what you have been doing.

 

Her motives are her own and if you are so interested in knowing what her motives are then ask her outright. If you don't care then block her and get on with your life without her in your head.

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lucid, maybe just straight up tell her you need your space and need to go no contact for your own healing. It's nothing personal, but something you both need to get over this. Then, if she contacts you and you don't answer, she won't be surprised. Answering is not helping her btw. But maybe give her a heads up first.

 

Also, pretty simple. She wants your attention. Don't give it to her unless you plan on getting back together, its pointless.

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Frankly, I think its rather disturbing that you have kept such a detailed 'journal' of this situation. You are broken up. Either end it outright by blocking her or answer her and ask her what she wants. By doing this the way you are doing it, she has all the power in this situation and she is keeping you mired to her... to the extent that you have started a thread about it. She's in your head... get her out of it by doing something other then what you have been doing.

 

Her motives are her own and if you are so interested in knowing what her motives are then ask her outright. If you don't care then block her and get on with your life without her in your head.

 

Thanks for the response!

 

This isn't a journal, just my memory lol. So she has all the power by her being the one always contacting me and me ignoring her for the most part? I feel that I have the power as its my lack of contact that keeps her coming back to me lol. I may have to resort to asking her whats up. But I doubt she would honestly tell me because of her particular style of communication. Part of the reason why I'm asking for the insight from third parties.

Edited by lucid1
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lucid, maybe just straight up tell her you need your space and need to go no contact for your own healing. It's nothing personal, but something you both need to get over this. Then, if she contacts you and you don't answer, she won't be surprised. Answering is not helping her btw. But maybe give her a heads up first.

 

Also, pretty simple. She wants your attention. Don't give it to her unless you plan on getting back together, its pointless.

 

Hey, thanks for the response! I've tried to do no contact for my own healing. My plan was going to touch base with her after 3 or 4 weeks to feel things out, and who knows, maybe we both put thought into each other and what happened that maybe we could reconcile. In the mean time I like to analyze the situation haha.

 

It does seem that she wants my attention. But WHY is the question? :p

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Thanks for the response!

 

So see has all the power by her being the one always contacting me and me ignoring her for the most part? I feel that I have the power as its my lack of contact that keeps her coming back to me lol. I may have to resort to asking her whats up. But I doubt she would honestly tell me because of her particular style of communication. Part of the reason why I'm asking for the insight from third parties.

 

She, as far as we know isnt' starting threads about you. She is in your head and that means she is still holding the power in this dynamic. We could guess why she is doing what she does until the cows come home and still none of us would be doing nothing more than guessing the same guesses of yours.

 

She misses you, its a common thing to do when someone who was once in your life is no longer there. It doesn't necessarily mean anything other than she misses you being in her life but "its still for the best" that you're not.

 

Why did you break up? Why is it for the best that you did?

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Hey, thanks for the response! I've tried to do no contact for my own healing. My plan was going to touch base with her after 3 or 4 weeks to feel things out, and who knows, maybe we both put thought into each other and what happened that maybe we could reconcile. In the mean time I like to analyze the situation haha.

 

It does seem that she wants my attention. But WHY is the question? :p

 

But have you TOLD her that you plan on not answering her attempts at contact and stuck with it??

Shes contacting you because she is use to having you there and now does not and its uncomfortable .

Also if you do think you might like to reconcile and there were issues with the relationship I would definitely give it more than 3 weeks. You need more time to stop focusing your thought on the other person and start getting introspective, then once you do that, then you still need to work out those things that you did that can be improved and trust they have done the same. If she keeps reaching out, she is not working on herself and you are just getting distracted.

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This is exactly it, you're both playing games. She knows are you playing the 'ignoring you!' game for a while but eventually you'll respond/react ( so she knows you still care and that she gets to you). And you know she'll keep contacting you so you can just ignore her making you think she's chasing you. Right now you are getting the slot machine reaction from her. She pulls the lever because eventually there's a hit. It's just a game.

I have the power as its my lack of contact that keeps her coming back to me
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I am experiencing something very similar right now and I relate to how you must be feeling. I think some replies you've received here are a bit thoughtless. It's easy to say someone's being silly or giving someone else power when you are not the one in the situation.

 

My ex got in touch today by email, under the guise of sharing an interesting article with me. She ended our relationship (for the second time) in October and I have not made any form of contact with her since November. The second split was as amicable as possible, we wrote letters and read them to each other. We felt strongly about each other, but she ultimately was too unsettled in her life and has moved back to her home country.

In the same time she has sent me 2 emails, added me on Linkedin, and the last contact was a text in February saying she was listening to a song and thinking of me, thanking me for the memories and hope I'm well. Both of our birthdays have come and gone since February with no contact, now this email today.

 

I don't mean to make this about me, I'm just sharing that as a point of comparison. This is 7 months after her ending it, and yet she is still contacting me despite receiving no reply from me since November. It's been difficult for me to move on because I do still feel for her. But I have been exercising no contact for my own emotional healing. I have the same question as you. WHY after 7 months is she still contacting me when she was the one who ended our relationship?

 

I think you have to maintain no contact for a lot longer than a few weeks, let it go to months. Be strict with yourself. Women, as men are often accused of, can also do this thing where they just want to know that they can 'have' you even if they don't want a relationship with you. It's also possible, as you say, that she is simply conflicted.

 

The main thing for you is, what do YOU want? If you want to be with her, does she know that? If you don't, does she know that? Let it be known. Then let her deal with it either way.

 

Men are often accused of being too cold and hard at one end of the spectrum, or too soft at the other. It's difficult to win. I think me and you lucid are just trying to be a good person who wants to use our capacity to love. Don't settle for less than the same from your partner.

Edited by Ricky3000
Grammar and punctuation
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No one's gonna comment on the fact that she's stalking him and it's creepy?!

 

Dude, she's creepy! I understand texting and such, she might miss you, she might want to check on you, she might need an ego stroke, she might want to make sure you haven't moved on, she might want to still be in control. But driving by your house and watching you? Had it been a guy doing it to one of your female friends what would you advise her to do?

 

And I don't care if she's an introvert and I do know how hard communication is, but stalking is beyond introvercy.

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