Jump to content
'

Recommended Posts

I could use some opinions about this situation. I’ve been seriously seeing this guy who’s almost 50 (I’m almost 40) for about 5 months. We’ve actually known each other for about 10 years, and had always flirted with each other, sometimes despite when we were with other people—but when we found out we were both single we started seeing each other right away, and boom! sparks just flew. We now live together, his daughter loves me, his mother adores me. Everything just meshed so well and effortlessly. Like all humans he’s got his flaws, and can be temperamental, but I knew this going in he’s a little complicated. I knew he has always been a super sexual man. Plus, He’s always done what he could to help me progress professionally and personally and continues to do this for me as a couple too.

 

He’s stated that I’m the perfect woman for him, and that all his other relationships have been mistakes. He said he’s fallen madly in love with me, I can see it in his eyes that it’s true. He’s talked many times about marrying me. He told his mother he found his one, he wants to be with me to the end. We both have the same interests, our sexual tastes are the same (a bit on the kinky side), and we’ve been very open about our desires in the bedroom and in life.

 

Heres the down part: Early in the relationship he gave me a pair of panties that he washed and werent mine—but there was a bunch of lingere we’ve played with that had some ex GF outfits in a big plastic bin—I assumed the best case scenario and that he was innocent, though he insisted they were mine (they did fit lol) Next, he let me use his computer, and I had to do some business related searches while we both were on the road. I stumbled onto some very questionable searches, which lead to the “hoe site” Backpage. I then dug around in his search history and found that he searches a ton of porn (which I’m 200% on board with, and I encourage him to use porn and share links with me), but then searched for hook up sites and logged in to an escort related site (login is required to view any postings). He’s left no reviews there and has been given no client feedback on it.

 

I let this slide after digging through emails and his texts and couldn’t find anything incriminating. This happened about 2 months into us dating per the search history. I also found He unsubscribed to every dating and hookup site he’d ever been on within a couple weeks of dating me.

 

But recently while he was on business I checked his computer when he returned, on a whim, while he was out of the room and he searched the city he visited + “escort” and looked at a few postings. Again, this was mixed in his porn watching habits. He also searched for “Asian massage,” which I’m pretty sure he went there per him

googling directions and the address to the facility was in his Waze. It looked nice from the store front (gm apps street view), like a massage chain, but this particular place had been busted for prostitution in the past, it could be found on Rubmaps, but all that was at an old location years prior, not the location he went to.

 

He also looked up a strip club by name via google, but did not go there per his gps or Waze records.

 

He texted and called me everyday while away, we did sexy FaceTime stuff, and I could see he was so into me and us. All good vibes.

 

When I saw the first escort search I went and got tested for STDs and I’m 100% clean, but I had been getting bad bladder infections since we’ve seen each other. He was always concerned about them and helped care for me when I was sick. But the second search sent me in a broken heart meltdown—that very morning I told him I tested positive for a bacterium (a fib), and my doc asked me to have a candid discussion with my man about his sexual history (Another fib). I’m not a liar, but I had to see how up front he would be. I was scared.

 

I asked him what his boundaries were in the relationship, and if he had been with anyone else between his ex and that very moment—he said clearly and with eye contact...” no.” I then told him I found the searches, but did not mention escorts yet, and he didn’t deny at all that he searched those key words. He admitted those searches were to find backpage. He never ultimately came forward about the escort searches however.

 

I then asked if there’s anything on the computer or his phone that he didn’t want me to see and he said no. He then seemed to be posturing like I was going to end the relationship. I asked again, why he searched, and he stated “I didn’t do anything wrong... and I’m really sorry that isn’t good enough for you.... I’m not going to be nit-picked over every little thing... how do we move forward? Do you want me to get tested because I will.”

 

He made other statements like... “I’m sorry you got scared... You fulfill me sexually... I’ve invited you into my home, my daughters life, my family... why would I do any of that?... you have access to my computer any time, I don’t have anything to hide.”

 

I asked about the panties... he says, “they’re not yours? Then I have no idea. They must be from that bin. They looked like they belonged to you.... if they were someone else’s, why would I wash them and give them to you? I’d have to be stupid. I’d throw them out if they were someone else’s.”

 

And so after a hug and kiss, he agreed to get tested, which he did immediately, and he’s 100% clean. Oh and he did clear his internet history but I’ve already seen and photographed the “evidence.”

 

Now I exist in this mind-boggling arena of doubt—did I discover his dark fantasy being with an escort? Or is he actually seeing hookers??

 

He knows a lot about them, and he even admits he knows what the acronyms on the menu mean. He joked about girls on the street claiming he can spot a hooker. We’ve role played in the bedroom, which seems to work super well for both of us lol.. so maybe this is a fantasy and nothing else?

 

BUT, I still feel this nagging sensation in my gut. No evidence of cheating has been found. He’s given me his phone password and he’s turned on gps on his phone so I can always see where he is. But I have yet to check his cell phone records. Escort numbers are pretty easy to reverse search.

 

We have a stellar time together, seldom fight, and our sex life is out of this planet. I wear the old man out! Lol! So it leaves me wondering if I’m worrying this much over nothing?!

 

I will note I have been conditioned for distrust, my ex-husband of many many years ago (I was 20) had a sex addiction, and was found to be doing illegal sexual activities behind my back and continued years after me, but I didnt know any of this elicit activity until very recently. He’s now serving a hefty prison sentence. So perhaps I have my own baggage to check.

 

Any input or advice would be helpful. I’m loosing sleep over this, and I refuse to treat him like a criminal unless he’s guilty, but I hate how I feel right now.

 

Thanks all! 👍🏻

Link to post
Share on other sites
He’s given me his phone password and he’s turned on gps on his phone so I can always see where he is. But I have yet to check his cell phone records. Escort numbers are pretty easy to reverse search.

 

This above*** what?? you have yet to go through phone records? seriously? You are his girlfriend, not a detective.

 

Unfortunately because you didn't deal with your own insecurities before committing to this relationship, now you must decide to accept that he is who he is and is probably getting together with escorts ... why else would there be searches for escorts? It cannot be unseen. It cannot be undone. I believe that your honeymoon period is over and this relationship will not survive the reality.

 

You are okay with his porn habits, etc. and that's cool. What is not cool is you snooping into his privacy, even if you have nothing to hide wouldn't you feel violated if he went through your computer like that?? the simple act is someone telling you I DO NOT TRUST YOU.

 

I am not trying to sound harsh, but I suggest that you invest in some personal therapy, so you can learn how to cope with those feelings of insecurity that drove you to "look for evidence".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If I had a need to do that kind of searching on someone I was only dating for 5 months, well kill me now!

 

Op: If you have been chronically cheated on in your past, you are defo with the wrong man now... Are you deep down attracted to the drama? Have you gotten therapy to help you to unpack some of the emotionally devastating baggage your ex left with you?

 

After five mere months you moved in with him? You may have known him for 10 years but you didn't know him in a romantic dynamic. How many long term relationships has he been in? What is his dating history, Has he a history of cheating?

 

I knew he has always been a super sexual man.
How did you know this if you've only been dating him for 5 months? In what capacity did you know him for 10 years?
Link to post
Share on other sites

5 months in, and you're already: living together, resorting to digging through his computer and navigator, lying to him to get him to tell you if he's having sex with other women, having to explain away other women's underwear, twisting yourself into mental knots hoping there is a logical explanation.

 

Does any of that sound normal or healthy to you, OP? This man is giving you darn good reason to be suspicious. When you feel compelled to be this worried, and employ some of the investigative tactics you've already used, you don't have the basis for a good relationship. If he is searching for prostitutes, and knows the lingo, then yes - he is likely visiting them too. Let's imagine for a moment that he isn't, though; do you really want the kind of relationship where you need to be fretting that this is even a possibility?

 

I'm sorry, but this man isn't who you hoped he was. I personally don't believe you're worrying over nothing, nor that you "wear the old man out." Clearly not, if he's even trying to search for other women to have sex with. I get that it hurts a lot, and you're having a hard time accepting this hidden side to him. But it appears you two rushed into this before really taking the time to get to know each other (as a couple) and you're learning that he is not the person you believed you knew. I wouldn't stay with someone who gives me such strong reasons not to trust him, and with whom I felt I needed to be looking over my shoulder like this. It will eat you alive.

Link to post
Share on other sites

This relationship is a disaster..I'm sorry but it is. It's already totally toxic and unhealthy.

 

I understand your need to be searching and he has given you reason. But you have to accept that he is into escorts, okay? That's really simple to see.

He has no doubt been with several and no doubt will be with more.

 

A typical man does not know the acronyms on the hooker websites unless he has been with one. I will say that for the majority of women out there, no one wants a man who messes around with hookers.

 

If he had been desperate and it was a one time thing, maybe that's forgivable...but a 50 year old who just likes to get his jollies off on dirty women? You're not going to fix that...ever.

 

You two are already lying to each other, playing mind games, being sneaky and shady in less than 5 months!

 

It's not going to work. You two are not compatible and this man is never going to grow up to be a decent husband for anyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you work together? How do you know him? What exactly are you looking for? Direct evidence of unprotected intercourse? You already know he's "a super sexual man" and whatever you have already uncovered from going through his devices and debating whose underwear is whose. You've even tried to accuse him of giving you an STD in order for him to admit to something.

 

What would you like to do with what you know so far? Stay together for the sex? Break up and move out of his house? It all depends on where you want this to lead.

 

5 months. We now live together. "I’ve invited you into my home"

our sex life is out of this planet.

He’s always done what he could to help me progress professionally and personally and continues to do this for me as a couple too.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all who chimed in—I really appreciate your blunt no BS responses. I will agree that this hasn’t turned into something healthy. What just blows my mind is that if I didn’t stumble upon the thing I did, I never would’ve snooped and I never would’ve seen what I saw, and never would’ve questioned his intentions for a minute because his actions and consistency has been excellent.

 

We did work together for a number of years, and he’s tried to date me for many years while working together and after. He came to me when he had relationship and life woes, and when his father passed he turned to me for support. I personally always had a thing for him, and when we came together it felt like we were doing the right thing “at long last”. Moving in with him was quite fast, nothing I would’ve ever considered in my prior experience, but it felt right.

 

We both had relationships that were long term... my longest was nearly 6 years and he had one that was nearly 5. And we’ve known about each other’s relationships throughout the course of our friendship. He’s always been very open about who he is, or so I thought, hence why I knew many intimate details about his life and his sexuality. So for us, by the time we started dating and then when he asked me to move in, it didn’t feel like the wrong thing to do, it was like we knew each other already... because frankly, we did.

 

It seems that everyone here believes he’s seen escorts, or has contacted them in the past—does anyone believe that it’s part of his kink? He’s very cerebral sexually, a mere image or an idea can stirr a tremendous amount of imagination in him. Also our careers are quite dangerous, on the edge kind of work, both of us are adrenaline seekers which is why we work in the are we do. I’d be curious if anyone here thought that on the edge thrill, “I could get a hooker if I wanted” would be enough to get him where he needs to go go get off, as opposed to the easy explanation “if he’s shopping, he’s buying.”

 

For what it’s worth I don’t like that I snooped—I would love to never have to snoop again! But I also have training in investigative work so this is a hard thing to not do when something is of suspect. And in regards to my previous marriage, I got loads of therapy... but I suppose

This situation was a trigger tbat still exists and I should put more effort into my self care.

 

I guess after all my rambling is, what do I do now? I feel like I’m trying to rationalize things. I feel I should just be up front and ask

Him if he’s ever been with an escort and ask him to explain why he searched.

 

If it’s the best base scenario, and he’s not buying, I’d be on board with all of it... what bothers me most is the lies, the omissions of truth. And I’m willing to be upfront with mine, I just don’t know if he will. And perhaps then I have my answer right there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How would ever be able to verify if it really were a kink? He might tell you it is, but if that were the case, you’d likely already know about it given how “super sexual” he apparently is.

 

I don’t believe it’s just a kink based in fantasy, though. The evidence strongly suggests it’s not. I think he has used prostitutes and continues to do so. The simplest explanation is often the truth, hard as it may be to come to terms with.

 

I would not be able to continue a relationship with someone who engages in this type of activity. Fantasy or not, it’s not a level of distress or the type of risk I accept

in my life. Only you can decide if the strain and worry and hurt is all worth it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes, you're trying very hard to rationalize things. And I think you're doing that because it's kind of thrilling to you, spikes that rush of adrenaline you crave. Trouble is you have to be honest with yourself, about your own edge, and it's very clear that in this relationship you are on the wrong side of that edge—and have been, I think, since the Panty Incident. You don't feel safe. You don't feel secure. You've become someone you don't want to be, not in romance: a snooper, a spy, an insecure woman twisted in a knot.

 

I get that there's some compelling heat being generated in all that, but look closely in the mirror: that's not blush, but burn scars developing.

 

Can I see a scenario in which the escort searching is a touch of kink, a little toe in the subversive waters to get the blood boiling? Sure. But I don't think that even matters, in this case, because (a) its got your blood going cold and (b) he has shown himself, open-minded sexual dynamo he is, to be cagey and shady and defensive when it comes to, well, the full spectrum of his sexuality.

 

I don't care if we're taking missionary with the lights off or hanging from leather straps with an audience—people who can't own their truth are boring, especially when they're adults. Do you really want to train him to be honest and open? Do you really want to engage in those training sessions if there is even a .00000001 percent probability that he's spending his non-training time with a hooker? Do you really want to spend another minute with someone who has turned you into a paranoid private eye?

 

I like an edge too, in all realms of my life. Believe me, I get it. But in romance it's about exploring an edge together, and to do that you have to build a safe place—slowly, carefully, and together. That's what's so radical about it, and ultimately so thrilling: a safe space where you feel the fullness of life, not a dangerous one in which you're sleuthing on a computer, getting STD checks, and wondering if that bladder infection came courtesy an escort.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If he's super sexual as you say and actively participates kinky sex with you and watches porn, how is it you can attempt to justify that looking at escort websites is only as far as it goes?

 

Wouldn't it be similar to eating cake anytime they want, but getting something out of just looking at the box of cake mix it came in?

 

Someone I worked with went through the same thing and much like you, didn't want to believe what in the end was true. She has life long STD to show for it. She was depressed, lost her job due to her taking time off because she had a hard time coming to terms with the truth.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I, too agree that often the most simplest explanation is the right one. If he's looking through websites for hookers, he's no doubt engaging in that kind of activity.

 

Will he admit to it? Do most men? I think if nothing they'd rather save face and not admit to such an act. I do think the majority don't go to hookers but there are a few who do and I doubt they would be readily to admit it to anyone.

 

If you know he's very sexual, why would this be a big surprise? That's the bad part of most people (maybe not all) but most who are highly sexual...regular sex and one partner won't be enough for them.

 

I know you think you will "wear him out" but I think the way his mind works, he will never be satisfied with one woman.

 

I also think the sooner you come to terms with that, the better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, you seem to encourage, fully embrace and apparently find it sexually stimulating that he is "on the edge" sexually. There doesn't seem to be a problem here because your "kink" is playing cat and mouse games with his sexual promiscuity/fantasies. He's the bad little boy and you "caught" him (even though you know how he is). Additionally none of this info is new since you have confided your sexual fantasies in each other for years.

does anyone believe that it’s part of his kink? He’s very cerebral sexually, a mere image or an idea can stirr a tremendous amount of imagination in him. Also our careers are quite dangerous, on the edge kind of work, both of us are adrenaline seekers which is why we work in the are we do. I’d be curious if anyone here thought that on the edge thrill, “I could get a hooker if I wanted” would be enough to get him where he needs to go go get off, as opposed to the easy explanation “if he’s shopping, he’s buying.”
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

So I’ve been giving this a very hard think. I am going to confront him about my findings as soon as we get done with some work related travel. I’m going to keep myself physically “safe” during this time. I really need the money and have to finish this trip.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts on how best to bring this issue up? I’m not an angry type, so my thoughts were to calmly ask him how long this has been going on for him.

 

My best friend is a psychologist and she feels he’s an addict... or just a complete moron... either way I have to address this.

 

If he admits guilt and wants to work on himself does anyone here feel that would be worth the effort? Part of me would be willing to work with him on his issues, another part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and find a guy who’s going to be more faithful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

 

If he admits guilt and wants to work on himself does anyone here feel that would be worth the effort? Part of me would be willing to work with him on his issues, another part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and find a guy who’s going to be more faithful.

You are only 5 months in you can't `work with him' on his addiction. Only he can resolve his addictions and hopefully with professional help.

Even at best this will be life long challenge and isn't overcome easily. Even the most dedicated would invest years of work to begin to change this.

 

His addiction is a symptom of something larger. There is no way to know what that is and acknowledging that he might have problem is only the start and not even a guarantee of success.

 

I say cut your losses now. That and listen to your friend.

Find yourself a healthy, available partner and believe you are deserving of one.

 

Came back to add that you need to really rethink why you chose the words `someone more faithful' . . as if that's even negotiable.

think about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

If he admits guilt and wants to work on himself does anyone here feel that would be worth the effort? Part of me would be willing to work with him on his issues, another part of me thinks I should just cut my losses and find a guy who’s going to be more faithful.

You have a history of being with someone that couldn't maintain monogamy. Do you enjoy the emotional tight rope these types of men keep you on? (not asked in malice).
Link to post
Share on other sites
You are only 5 months in you can't `work with him' on his addiction. Only he can resolve his addictions and hopefully with professional help.

Even at best this will be life long challenge and isn't overcome easily. Even the most dedicated would invest years of work to begin to change this.

 

His addiction is a symptom of something larger. There is no way to know what that is and acknowledging that he might have problem is only the start and not even a guarantee of success.

 

I say cut your losses now. That and listen to your friend.

Find yourself a healthy, available partner and believe you are deserving of one.

 

Came back to add that you need to really rethink why you chose the words `someone more faithful' . . as if that's even negotiable.

think about it.

 

100% agree. This is why he is a 50 something man that isn't happily married. This was a problem way long before you came onto the scene. I don't believe it's repairable to be quite honest.

I agree with your friend, it does sound like an addiction and with any addict he will hide it and lie and the more you tell him no, the more appealing it will look.

Addicts only stop when they want to. He doesn't want to. He is happy to see these escorts and go to massage parlours etc.

You can't change that about him now, it's too late in the game.

 

At 5 months in, I would say let it go. You will save yourself a lot of heartache down the road trying to force change to someone who does not want this change.

Worst case scenario, he tells you what he thinks you want to hear but hide his addiction better from you.

 

You don't want to live in threat like that constantly, no one would want to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 months later...

Hello everyone! Well I have an update since my last post. I wasn’t able to hold back and I eventually revealed to him what I found, which resulted in a huge fight. I didn’t expect anything less, but it nearly broke the relationship. In fact we did break up for about an hour.

 

What I did find before my big reveal was that he did see escorts (massage providers to be exact) but not for full service—it was for “bondassage” (kinky massages basically). I found old messages from years prior to me detailing the transaction and the nature of his visit to this provider. Furthermore, I found no gps evidence he had gone anywhere to see more providers while with me, and he’s not done any more searches for escorts. The reason for me telling him was I basically couldn’t keep the secret anymore and he was on some rant (some things directed at me, but it was mostly in relation to his floundering career) that I found insulting. I just couldn’t hold it in and had a huge amount of “f*ck this!!” In my system:

 

In short, I...

1) told him what I knew

2) had proof of his searches

3) and that I was angry he lied to me, specifically after I’ve flat out asked him about him ever seeing any kind of provider

 

Then set forth verbal arguments and I decided I was going to leave. I was part of the way packed happily ready to drive away and never speak to him again was when he asked me to stay. He agreed to see a therapist with me, he said he wants to work through this. I’ve never had a man hug me so tight after that fight, including through the night for days. He knew I was ok leaving him and apparently, there’s remorse there.

 

Fast forward, I’m still in this relationship—it’s gone the best it’s ever gone. He’s less critical of himself and me, and his daughter. He seems happier. We talk more openly about our sexual desires, even more than before which was pretty open, but he’s much more transparent. He barely looks at porn anymore (it’s far less habitual), and is putting more energy into his hobbies. He’s let me go through his phone, we’ve done it together at times, he doesn’t hide things. He calls me constantly while traveling, and has kept his gps on everywhere, reminding me if I ever need to reach him I can look where he is and call him.

 

We have therapy scheduled with a couples specialist, who has a strong background in the gottman method, and helps couples deal with trouble such as infidelity, addiction, etc.

 

I’m still aware, not putting my head in the sand, but I’m willing to see how this works out. He’s been my friend for 8 years, a lover for almost a year... If it fails, nobody can say I didn’t try to make it work. Nobody can say I wasn’t tolerant. If he messes up, I’ll likely notice now that I really know what to look for. I feel very confident in myself right now, I have my power back, and would have no issues walking away if he fails. I hope he doesn’t, but only time will tell.

Link to post
Share on other sites

was when he asked me to stay. He agreed to see a therapist with me, he said he wants to work through this.

 

I would have saw if he would have seen a therapist on his own instead of doing it with you to seek your approval. That would be the true test of if he REALLY is serious about being help. being his mother/warden will only last for so long.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just keep in mind that in order for him to maintain a happy and dedicated relationship with you, he must be done with the past.

 

He needs to make the choice of being happy with ONE woman. A lot of men who are ready for marriage, etc, are more than happy to do that, however with this man in particular he has displayed a bit of fall back while he's been with you.

 

It is something to keep on eye on and most definitely something you both need to talk about and be as open as possible.

 

If he's not ready to be a one woman man, that's okay..it's his decision, but he should not trick you either into making you believe he's done with all other women.

You need to ask him openly and honestly without any accusations.

But hopefully he has come to a place in his life now where a long term relationship with one woman means more than cheap thrills with nobodies.

 

It really is something you need to both discuss and hopefully be happy with the end decision.

 

I hope it works out for you. I know bad behaviors can be difficult to break, but not impossible.

Link to post
Share on other sites
That would be the true test of if he REALLY is serious about being help. being his mother/warden will only last for so long.

 

Absolutely. HE must decide to change his ways and not be forced or watched all the time. Only when he is happy to close chapters from the past and is content with just you, will it truly work.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Absolutely. I agree as well. It was very clear he had trouble dealing with his past, and it appears he’s had this as a crutch for a long time in previous relationships. I am being realistic that he may not be able to hang on to this new path, but that certainly doesn’t mean I have to stick around to deal with it. He did seem very genuine in making changes so that’s all I can hope for at this stage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...