Hollyj Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Iv'e been thinking a lot about going abroad for some time out. I have wanted to for some months now and I work from home so I can work anywhere. Maybe I will book a one way flight and just book a week at a hotel there for now and see how I feel in some days time. You need to deal with your problems, not run away. End the relationship and move out. Work on you and becoming healthy without an abusive partner. You also need to deal with why you had gotten yourself involved with drugs. Why were you self medicating? You continue to do things without dealing with your problems. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Of course you are going to get frustrated and fumble when your partner is stonewalling you during any kind of a discussion or argument. What you are failing to understand is that you are feeling and having a normal reaction to highly negative, manipulative behavior by your partner. In fact, he is deliberately, intentionally frustrating you because....he likes it. Makes him feel powerful. This isn't about you becoming more independent to keep this sick relationship going. You need to become independent for yourself by getting your own place, dumping this abuser and taking some serious time out to address what is happening inside of you that you are choosing terrible partners and overall, making self destructive choices for yourself. It's time for you to start healing yourself for real. You know this because you are here finally talking about it. You are stronger than you think. Link to comment
anonymous198 Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 I've made an assertive effort all week to go out and do things in the evening when he's coming home. I haven't been funny about it. I've been nice in person to him, hugged him and asked him how his days been etc etc. Tonight he has just asked me why I'm leaving him alone and spending time away from him, he said it feels fake. It might be a little but I actually realise it's not so bad being on my own and I thought I was putting in the effort to give him what he said so badly needs that he says is destroying our relationship. Nothing I do is right. I didn't fight. Just feel sunken and hollow. I just asked if he'd mind leaving me alone please. He kindly left the room. Link to comment
anonymous198 Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 Before that he plays Madonna new song called I Rise and said I might like it. I nearly cried cus if the words. Very fitting time. I managed to survive (B.S.) Freedom's what you choose to do with what's been done to you No one can hurt you now unless you want them to (Unless you want) No one can hurt you now unless you love 'em too (B.S.) Unless you love 'em too [Pre-Chorus] 'Cause I'm going through it Yeah, I know you see the tragic in it Just hold on to the little bit of magic in it (Magic in it) I can't break down now I can't take that (I can't take that) [Chorus] (I rise) I rise, I rise (Rise) I rise up above it, up above it (I rise) I rise, I rise (Rise) I rise up above it all Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 You have chosen not to acknowledge a word we've said. What makes abusive relationships so comfortable for you? Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 I've made an assertive effort all week to go out and do things in the evening when he's coming home. I haven't been funny about it. I've been nice in person to him, hugged him and asked him how his days been etc etc. Tonight he has just asked me why I'm leaving him alone and spending time away from him, he said it feels fake. It might be a little but I actually realise it's not so bad being on my own and I thought I was putting in the effort to give him what he said so badly needs that he says is destroying our relationship. Nothing I do is right. I didn't fight. Just feel sunken and hollow. I just asked if he'd mind leaving me alone please. He kindly left the room. Are you finally realizing that you can never win with this guy! You need to wake up! I still can't believe that you took this creep back after he refused to visit you in the hospital. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Codependence, btw, is an inability to recognize and leave a toxic relationship. Codependent people tend to twist themselves into a pretzel trying to please their abusive partner, fix the relationship, do anything it takes to hang on to the toxic person, including completely losing themselves and their personal identity. This isn't about you going out in the evenings to give him space that you think he wants. As you can see, whatever you do, his game is to make certain that no matter what you do, it's always doing to be wrong, aka to always always always always keep you confused and off balance. Breaking codependence and becoming independent means learning to live on your own, without any relationship and learning that you are a whole person all on your own. Link to comment
anonymous198 Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 You have chosen not to acknowledge a word we've said. What makes abusive relationships so comfortable for you? I am acknowledging what you're saying it's just that I always feel like I'm the one who's wrong. I feel like he's the one who's wrong until I bring it up then it all becomes me. Then I second guess myself. It is something I have to come to terms with. I have taken in what each person has said and I'll continue to read these posts over the coming weeks to help me realise things more. Link to comment
anonymous198 Posted May 3, 2019 Author Share Posted May 3, 2019 Codependence, btw, is an inability to recognize and leave a toxic relationship. Codependent people tend to twist themselves into a pretzel trying to please their abusive partner, fix the relationship, do anything it takes to hang on to the toxic person, including completely losing themselves and their personal identity. This isn't about you going out in the evenings to give him space that you think he wants. As you can see, whatever you do, his game is to make certain that no matter what you do, it's always doing to be wrong, aka to always always always always keep you confused and off balance. Breaking codependence and becoming independent means learning to live on your own, without any relationship and learning that you are a whole person all on your own. I am starting to see that. I just wanted to believe it was me and that I am messed up in the head. I thought... hey it must be as I'm not on antipsychotics, anti depressants and lorazepam and propranolol for anxiety. This is all just since last summer. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 I am starting to see that. I just wanted to believe it was me and that I am messed up in the head. I thought... hey it must be as I'm not on antipsychotics, anti depressants and lorazepam and propranolol for anxiety. This is all just since last summer. This just circles back on my earlier comment that you don't seem to have a very good grasp on what's black and what's white, which makes you a perfect prey for manipulative people like your current bf and probably your ex's too. When you don't have a very strong sense of self and a very strong sense of right and wrong, when you are prone to quickly blaming yourself and accepting blame, you'll get into a whole lot of trouble. By trouble, I mean you are prone to nasty people manipulating your perceptions, abusing you, influencing your thoughts, and so on. It's actually dangerous for you. This is something to work on with a good therapist, you can also buy some books like codependent no more. The more you educate yourself about the subject, the more it will help you see where you need to get stronger, when to refuse to accept blame, etc. Learn boundaries and how to hold others accountable for their bad behavior instead of blaming yourself. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted May 3, 2019 Share Posted May 3, 2019 Look into Coda.org. They are have free groups. Help yourself! Link to comment
anonymous198 Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 The I'd everyone for your help and advice. I spoke to him today and told him that I was leaving. I am now in a safe place. I feel a bit weird but I know everything will be ok. I really appreciate everyone's input. Link to comment
boltnrun Posted May 4, 2019 Share Posted May 4, 2019 The I'd everyone for your help and advice. I spoke to him today and told him that I was leaving. I am now in a safe place. I feel a bit weird but I know everything will be ok. I really appreciate everyone's input. Be prepared for him to start doing everything you wished he'd been doing all along. He will tell you he loves you and can't imagine life without you. He may buy you gifts or offer to take you somewhere wonderful. He will make beautiful promises. You will want to believe, you will SO BADLY want to believe. The pretty words will dazzle you. If you do go back there will be a brief "honeymoon period", then he will go right back to his abusive self, except he will escalate because you have made it clear you want nothing more than to be with him. And he will take advantage. Please don't give him the opportunity to do so. Block him or better yet, change your number. Have all his messages sent to the "trash" or "spam" folder and set the folders up to automatically delete each day so you aren't tempted to read when you "get curious". Have someone you can talk to when you start to "miss" him (and you will, I guarantee, emotions aren't logical). Please take care of yourself. He isn't going to. Link to comment
anonymous198 Posted May 4, 2019 Author Share Posted May 4, 2019 Thank you for your advice. Link to comment
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