Advice on becoming independant and being ok with not being around boyfriend...

[anonymous198]

I've come to realise that I have created a somewhat unhealthy relationship.

 

It still has potential to be something great but I need advice on ways I can become more independent.

 

I think I put too much pressure on him. I feel like we don't do much the good stuff and he says it's because I'm always putting pressure on.

 

He says putting pressure on pushes him back, which makes me put on more pressure to try and make things work.

 

So we end up in a cycle.

 

I'm working hard to try and be ok endnote anxious about just getting out there doing my own thing.

 

Earlier in our relationship he questioned everything I did so it make it very very difficult for me to keep seeing and talking to the people I was at the time.

 

Therefore I don't really have any contacts or friends locally (especially as I'm not from this city)

 

I also work from home which doesn't help.

 

I've started just leaving the house as he's due home to go to the supermarket on my own.

 

I have started going upstairs to read in the evening in bed instead of waiting for him to ask if we should go bed.

 

I used to feel everything was always on his terms, when he wants, as he wants, with who etc but maybe that was because of me. Maybe I allowed that to happen. I think now I need to take control and do things half on my terms.

 

Any tips and advice would be very helpful as I'm very keen to be proactive and try and make this relationship work.

[Hollyj]

You need to make friends and have interests outside the home. The relationship is unhealthy!

 

You are still focusing on the relationship and not on expanding your life. Take a class, join groups that offer hobbies, volunteer, go to a Meet up. Do anything!

[Wiseman2]

Move out of his parent,s house. As long as you are there, even paying your share for a room, you won't have much autonomy or a say in things.

[Billie28]

“Earlier in our relationship he questioned everything I did so it make it very very difficult for me to keep seeing and talking to the people I was at the time.

 

Therefore I don't really have any contacts or friends locally (especially as I'm not from this city)“

 

What do you mean by he questioned?

As in “How was your day? Who went to the dinner / night out?” Out of genuine interest?

Or was it “Who is Tom that went on the dinner? Is he single? “ In a jealous or controlling manner?

 

Do you believe he manipulated you into not seeing others?

Or did you give up on seeing others to prioritise him?

The latter would be very smothering once the honeymoon phase wears off.

 

It sounds more to me that you are always there and he gets little or no alone time or downtime in his own home.

 

Start socialising more with others and building connections , by joining an activity, hobby, sport , whatever interests you.

 

I personally can’t stand when I can’t come home and be home alone. That was always the way for me whether it was living with roommates or a partner.

The going to bed together thing would annoy me too.

[anonymous198]

“Earlier in our relationship he questioned everything I did so it make it very very difficult for me to keep seeing and talking to the people I was at the time.

 

Therefore I don't really have any contacts or friends locally (especially as I'm not from this city)“

 

What do you mean by he questioned?

As in “How was your day? Who went to the dinner / night out?” Out of genuine interest?

Or was it “Who is Tom that went on the dinner? Is he single? “ In a jealous or controlling manner?

 

Do you believe he manipulated you into not seeing others?

Or did you give up on seeing others to prioritise him?

The latter would be very smothering once the honeymoon phase wears off.

 

It sounds more to me that you are always there and he gets little or no alone time or downtime in his own home.

 

Start socialising more with others and building connections , by joining an activity, hobby, sport , whatever interests you.

 

I personally can’t stand when I can’t come home and be home alone. That was always the way for me whether it was living with roommates or a partner.

The going to bed together thing would annoy me too.

 

As in who is this and who is that, are they gay (we are gay), how do you know them, have you ever had sex?, do they do drugs, do they drink, do they smoke etc etc on and on (as he used to be with every single thing about me).

 

I thought he made me feel too uncomfortable about seeing anyone else because of the endless questions.

 

I ALSO wanted to prioritise him.

 

I believe you are right about him not getting alone or down time. I used to say it's because I was trying hard to make things work all the time. But I'm trying to branch out now and do things outside the house purposefully when before he comes home etc.

 

I'm limited a bit by things I can do as I'm on a big mission to save security money for any emergencies. But I'm Googling free things to do as we speak and logging them on a "Things to do" app only phone.

 

I think the hard part is coming to terms that just because he wants alone time doesn't mean there is a problem with us as a couple. I acknowledge I have been wrong in some respects and want to fix that.

[anonymous198]

Move out of his parent,s house. As long as you are there, even paying your share for a room, you won't have much autonomy or a say in things.

 

I don't think he would want to live in our own place due to insecurity about things at the moment. Leaving feels like the end to me. I did suggest we get our own place but he said he's happy where he is at the moment. He has some family commitments and saves money being here.

[Billie28]

I don't think he would want to live in our own place due to insecurity about things at the moment. Leaving feels like the end to me. I did suggest we get our own place but he said he's happy where he is at the moment. He has some family commitments and saves money being here.

 

He stays at home to save money for his hair transplant and because of family commitments.

All of that is his priority over you.

And yet he still expects you to prioritise him over everything else in your life?

 

Yes his alone downtime is important but so is yours! He would have got more alone time had you continued with your friends and connections.

 

I’m sensing incompatibility mostly!

Why are you happy to live at his family’s home?

Don’t you want your own?

[anonymous198]

He stays at home to save money for his hair transplant and because of family commitments.

All of that is his priority over you.

And yet he still expects you to prioritise him over everything else in your life?

 

Yes his alone downtime is important but so is yours! He would have got more alone time had you continued with your friends and connections.

 

I’m sensing incompatibility mostly!

Why are you happy to live at his family’s home?

Don’t you want your own?

 

I want to live with him because I like to go to bed with him each evening and generally share a space. I would prefer our own place but it doesn't seem to be an option at the moment. He has made it lear he doesn't intend to leave, but does need someone around to care for a family member.

 

I have always said in fights that he's always the priority in everything. All is when he wants, how he wants, with who etc. I always back down and do that. thinking back when dating he'd be 2 hours late to see me and next message me till after an hour and half being late, turned out he was watching a reality tv show on demand.

 

I started meeting him instead as I always keep to my time. He would then start changing the time and asking me to come later (often shortly before I was due).

 

I knew he had things he was going through but I just thought be patient and I could see he was trying to do better when I told him I wasn't happy about things.

[Annia]

So you intend to live with his family indefinitely? Why does it seems like you don't have a voice in this relationship and it's all on his terms?

 

And yes, you need to find friends or hobbies and activities, and if he doesn't like it and tries to keep you from it, it means he's not a mature healthy boyfriend, because someone who truly loves you wants to see you happy and having a life outside the relationship like hobbies and stuff. Someone who wants you to live just for them and on their terms is not a good partner and will only destroy you in time. And when they leave you you're left with no support network, no friends and no sources of purpose and enjoyment in your life. Also, it's good for a relationship when both people have interests and a social life.

[anonymous198]

So you intend to live with his family indefinitely? Why does it seems like you don't have a voice in this relationship and it's all on his terms?

 

And yes, you need to find friends or hobbies and activities, and if he doesn't like it and tries to keep you from it, it means he's not a mature healthy boyfriend, because someone who truly loves you wants to see you happy and having a life outside the relationship like hobbies and stuff. Someone who wants you to live just for them and on their terms is not a good partner and will only destroy you in time. And when they leave you you're left with no support network, no friends and no sources of purpose and enjoyment in your life. Also, it's good for a relationship when both people have interests and a social life.

 

 

He actually recommends I do my own things in life and have my own friends and hobbies etc.

 

I have felt as though I don't have much of a voice. We moved to China last year because he had a job there. I said how much I didn't like the idea but went anyway. I was sick the whole time there and was in hospital twice. My mental health dipped and I came back.

 

There was a hard time for him with a close relative sadly passing away and I was at the peak of instability at the time. I tried to keep it together, but I took an OD and ended up in hospital. He never came to see me and guilt tripped me when I got back. Once someone was finally able to charge my phone he kept asking how long I'd be. I told him when I was on way back and he said he was going bed and to not disturb him that he'll talk later. I lay in guest room looking at the time, feeling weak, lonely and sad and the hours went by and he didn't come to see me, so I went to see him. That's when I found out that it's not a good time to have ongoing mental health problems and that he never came to the hospital because I'm selfish and I should have been there for him. I did try to be so hard but it just kind of happened. I had had zopiclone night before and I think I woke and took more the next day then woke again and took a lot of everything. I leaned a very important lesson that sleeping medications don't work well with me.

 

I'm giving too much info here sorry for going on and on but I've been alone for a long time. I'm always made to believe I'm the one with all the problems and I'm trying to believe that maybe I am so I can change and make the relationship better. I have been a bit heavy going trying to make things work.

[katrina1980]

>>He says putting pressure on pushes him back, which makes me put on more pressure to try and make things work.

 

Can you clarify your reasoning behind this^^?

 

He tells you pressure turns him off so you put more pressure on?

 

It very much sounds like you're intentionally self-sabotaging! Why?

 

And do you not respect him? Not respect what he tells you, his needs?

 

It very much appears that way tbh, sorry.

 

You need to learn how to control your impulses and manage your anxiety.

 

For me, yoga helps calm me or a short run.

 

Or call a friend, something! Other than burdening him with what amounts to your own *.

 

You're gonna push him out for good, is this what you subconsciously want?

 

I wonder cause your behaviour (pushing for more when you know it doesn't "work" and turns him off) defies common sense imo.

[Hollyj]

As in who is this and who is that, are they gay (we are gay), how do you know them, have you ever had sex?, do they do drugs, do they drink, do they smoke etc etc on and on (as he used to be with every single thing about me).

 

I thought he made me feel too uncomfortable about seeing anyone else because of the endless questions.

 

I ALSO wanted to prioritise him.

 

I believe you are right about him not getting alone or down time. I used to say it's because I was trying hard to make things work all the time. But I'm trying to branch out now and do things outside the house purposefully when before he comes home etc.

 

I'm limited a bit by things I can do as I'm on a big mission to save security money for any emergencies. But I'm Googling free things to do as we speak and logging them on a "Things to do" app only phone.

 

I think the hard part is coming to terms that just because he wants alone time doesn't mean there is a problem with us as a couple. I acknowledge I have been wrong in some respects and want to fix that.

 

Don't you recognize that he is controlling, manipulative and insecure? Healthy relationships do not include isolation and mistrust. You have completely lost yourself. Why would you allow this?

 

Don't you work?

 

" He never came to see me and guilt tripped me when I got back" Wow! And you went back. "when dating he'd be 2 hours late to see me and next message me till after an hour and half being late, turned out he was watching a reality tv show on demand. " He shows NO respect or value.

This really a sick relationship.

 

Stop allowing this guy to walk all over you, move out of the parents house, and become an in dependent human being. Why would you do if he ended things today? You have set yourself up to be completely dependent on him. Why?

 

Thus is not what love looks like. He does not love or respect you, but you do not love or respect yourself.

 

End this! And, get some therapy. Immediately! Please do not date for a long time.

[DancingFool]

1) Get rid of this boyfriend, because he is controlling and has isolated and is otherwise no good for you. You and him have issues and those issues are creating a toxic relationship.

 

2) Move out, get your own place and live solo

 

3) Work on making friends, finding hobbies, etc.

 

4) Do not even consider dating anyone until your life feels and is fulfilling and you feel truly happy just living your own life

 

5) Get some counseling to figure out right from wrong when it comes to relationships. It actually sounds like you got involved with someone who is a selfish control freak, but you don't seem to grasp how bad this is and are blaming yourself for the problems rather than understanding that your choice in men is the real problem. For example, wanting to make holiday plans with your partner is normal, his reaction in telling you not to pressure him to make plans is not normal. I suspect that you are in a situation where you don't know black from white anymore and need some outside help and counseling to get sorted out.

[Hollyj]

" he never came to the hospital because I'm selfish and I should have been there for him." I am speechless. You do not realize that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

You are his emotional punching bag.

[anonymous198]

>>He says putting pressure on pushes him back, which makes me put on more pressure to try and make things work.

 

Can you clarify your reasoning behind this^^?

 

He tells you pressure turns him off so you put more pressure on?

 

It very much sounds like you're intentionally self-sabotaging! Why?

 

And do you not respect him? Not respect what he tells you, his needs?

 

It very much appears that way tbh, sorry.

 

You need to learn how to control your impulses and manage your anxiety.

 

For me, yoga helps calm me or a short run.

 

Or call a friend, something! Other than burdening him with what amounts to your own *.

 

You're gonna push him out for good, is this what you subconsciously want?

 

I wonder cause your behaviour (pushing for more when you know it doesn't "work" and turns him off) defies common sense imo.

 

 

Basically we only ever plan what he wants when he wants how he wants and generally it involves going to the supermarket together, watching program and films he wants and naps on weekend afternoons. I try to get him more involved in other things we can do together. I realised that wasn't working so I've tried hard to suggest lots of things that I know he enjoys. I have also asked him to suggest other things. Often I am making conversation but talking to a brick wall. Sometimes I'll speak about something that is extremely obvious that I want his input (like holiday destinations to look forward to) and he's just totally silent. I'll ask why he's not replying and he barks that if I have a question I should make it more obvious and ask directly "What do you think?" So I did and he replies "I don't really have any interest in anywhere. There's nowhere I want to go I don't know anywhere."

 

Sometimes I'll want a bit of time with him over a holiday like Easter for example and he'll last minute tell me we are going to a bbq! I said I'd like us to spend some alone time together as we hadn't really that much then. It caused a big fuss. I came round and said he's right its good to get out and meet people and that we would go. The next day he changes his mind.

 

He likes to detract from things I'm saying by rubbing his forehead and saying he has a headache, or not touch him cut he has a tummy ache etc.

 

He had two whatsapps due to issues with one of the phones, when he finally moved mostly to using just the one I was still messaging him on the old one. I was the last to know as he'd even told his mum not to bother messaging him on the other one as he doesn't use it anymore.

 

Someone close to me Warned me recently that he has always been very selfish, his family don't like to spend too much time because it's always his choice of restaurant, his choice of movie at the cinema, his terms etc and he gets very selfish and nasty when he doesn't get what he wants.

 

This week I have started to detach myself and let him be on his own without making it into a big deal... as I've realised it doesn't feel that big of a deal to me.

 

Other issues I've had is having to sleep with rain sounds and a cold fan on even all over winter when I'm shivering cold. Having to face the wall in bed and keep to my quarter side and not take up his space. Don't turn over and don't touch him in fear he'll wake and push me to the side or moan at me for waking him up.

 

I feel like I'm always on egg shells but he's said he feels the same way with me. I used to filter everything I said until this week.

 

I guess after all this the solution is pretty clear. But as many of you will appreciate it's not always that simple. I have been married before and I wasn't IN love with my ex. You might think it's weird but I am actually IN love with this guy and I can't imagine wanting to be with another person.

 

It's funny as someone else just commented here telling me I no longer know black and white and he always complains that I see things black and white as far as needs from relationships go etc.

[DancingFool]

The more you post the more it's becoming obvious that you are involved in an emotionally, psychologically abusive relationship and yes, he's done so much damage to your psyche that you are literally unable to identify what is YOUR reasonable need and what is his gaslighting, unreasonable, controlling, manipulative, abusive response. All abusers blame their victims for everything and make them feel guilty and even crazy for wanting basic, normal things out of a relationship.

[katrina1980]

Ok apparently there is lots more to this situation than what I originally thought.

 

Agree w others, get rid!

[Hollyj]

Interesting that you do not respond to the comments about the abusive nature of your relationship. You are repeating the same scenario as with your ex.

[anonymous198]

Just finally. I used to take drugs, smoke and drink a lot and not take exercise and have promiscuous sex etc. I feel like every time I ever opened up even a little to tell him about my past and the things that I have overcome it ALWAYS leads to a hundred in depth questions that are asked in a way to make him feel ty about me and make me feel the same way. Then he will go on to say that what I did was wrong, and how he would have dealt with this or that or the other. So I spent years making my ty past alright and make myself feel strong but then was completely stripped down again. I actually spoke about this to him last week and he said he didn't do anything and that no-one can make me feel that way but myself and if I feel that way then I never really got over anything and have a long way to go.

[Hollyj]

If you continue to through this on yourself, then you justify staying in this highly toxic relationship. You know that he does not love or respect you. When are you going to help yourself, become independent and stay away from abusers?

[Hollyj]

Just finally. I used to take drugs, smoke and drink a lot and not take exercise and have promiscuous sex etc. I feel like every time I ever opened up even a little to tell him about my past and the things that I have overcome it ALWAYS leads to a hundred in depth questions that are asked in a way to make him feel ty about me and make me feel the same way. Then he will go on to say that what I did was wrong, and how he would have dealt with this or that or the other. So I spent years making my ty past alright and make myself feel strong but then was completely stripped down again. I actually spoke about this to him last week and he said he didn't do anything and that no-one can make me feel that way but myself and if I feel that way then I never really got over anything and have a long way to go.

 

Yes. This is why you need to end this horrible relationship and work on yourself. YOU choose men who treat you like sh*t!

[bluecastle]

I guess after all this the solution is pretty clear. But as many of you will appreciate it's not always that simple. I have been married before and I wasn't IN love with my ex. You might think it's weird but I am actually IN love with this guy and I can't imagine wanting to be with another person.

 

With all due respect—and with nothing but compassion—I'm going to say that I don't think what you're describing is being in love.

 

I firmly agree with what DancingFool wrote above, which is that you are deep inside a deeply unhealthy relationship. I think you know this, which is the good thing, and I know that getting out is hard. But all I hear in your posts is essentially a caged animal trying to redefine the cage in a way that makes it something else. Alas, a cage is a cage is a cage.

 

I'm sure your boyfriend has some lovely qualities—and of course I know the comfort of sharing space with someone—but you are not being treated with any humanity and you do not feel, right now as you read this sentence, the way any human should feel. He's got you so twisted up and so beat down that whenever you strike a remotely "normal" chord it probably feels like magic—like you've cracked some code, unlocked a mystery, connected in the special way that you refer to as "in love."

 

But that's just what happens when you get stuck inside this kind of hall of mirrors. Put me in a desert for a month and a drop of water is the sweetest nectar on the planet. Doesn't mean I am not still starving and dehydrating, you know?

[anonymous198]

If you continue to through this on yourself, then you justify staying in this highly toxic relationship. You know that he does not love or respect you. When are you going to help yourself, become independent and stay away from abusers?

 

Although I say I'm to happy a lot to him I guess I feel like it's because of me. Whenever we fight he's generally always calm and collected and I find it hard to articulate myself and am a blabbing mess not knowing what I'm talking about and raise my voice and get frustrated. Then I guess it gives him more reason to show that it's all my fault. I feel like I'm wrong and I feel like I have to make more effort.

 

Last week I said relationships is lots of compromise. I am putting it as much effort as I can to make things work. He said being fake and affectionate the next day is just lies and fake and not real and things aren't so black and white. I said no but it's something.

 

I really appreciate everyones advice here. I haven't really had a proper chance to speak bout all this to anyone. I do actually have counselling every week and I'm going to focus on being more independent with her. I'll give my partner the space he wants and if things don't improve I'll slowly build my courage to leave.

[anonymous198]

Iv'e been thinking a lot about going abroad for some time out. I have wanted to for some months now and I work from home so I can work anywhere. Maybe I will book a one way flight and just book a week at a hotel there for now and see how I feel in some days time.

[Hollyj]

You need to tell your therapist everything. Your relationship is bad! It will not get better as you bf enjoys bullying and tearing you down. YOU are allowing this, and should it at once.