Need advice regarding this situation , Finding it hard not to think about him.

[PJM]

Hello Friends,

 

Briefly, I was in love less & sexless marriage for more than 5 yrs . I was very focused on building a career and finally settling very well in my present job. I was very attracted to man at work and our glance met and there was a connection , he felt it and I felt it. After that I let it go as I thought he is a good looking man might be having beautiful wife or girlfriend and left it like that. Then when I one day he came to be and said something does not look right with you , here is my number and you are free to call me any time.( He is a law enforcement officer and I am a provider and usually is with me when I am seeing patients I in this case (inmates )T hen he found me on face book messenger and started messaging me . Very simple as " Merry Christmas " & " Happy New Year and I ignored his card first and happened to reply to his messages as Thank you same to you and kept on blocking him for some time. He would message like be safe its going to bad weather today or drive carefully ... stuff like that , I increasingly got attracted to him obviously for lack of love and attention in my life and then his extra attention from this handsome person. Bottom line long story short , I opened up about my life to him. He seemed like the best friend and empowered me , and respected my professional and encouraged and gave me strength to get out of the bad situation I was in. When I told my ex husband about him he said you are free to date him , I really don't care , it won't hurt me . So we ended up filing for legal separation.

 

In mean time I was getting increasingly attracted towards this man who shared every thing about his life to me , How his marriage failed, how he always attracted wrong people in hid life etc...bottom line I came to know every thing about his life , we went to couple of dates and 3rd date became very intimate and it was the best experience I had in long time , he was also very attracted to me , shared that he was looking for a committed relationship and often would say we are an item ( this happened for 4 months) and we bothe were drawn to each other emotionally and physically and both felt a strong bone and connection and enjoyed each others company immensely , until I started digging more about his past ( wrong move on my part) and started talking to a colleague who was rumored his good platonic friend and asked about him. When I talked to her she seemed to have a crush on him and made me feel bad that I am dating him , the same thing she did to him and started telling him that I am digging for his information ( being married and would not look good and that it might hurt his reputation and will affect his career, bottom line he got really pissed that I was mixing relationship and work and is not ready to be a bf at this time. I also apologied for behavior and also said that I needed some space & time to work with my divorce and need time for healing and we left it like that. Since then texts have been very casual, there is still communication but more casual not intimate texting as before . My question is have I really blown any chances of having any thing with him?I really miss him ad his company. Even now when we pass each other there is lot of attraction and I know he is hurt too but currently we are on a time out on relationship status.Have I blown my chances with this guy?

[PJM]

FYI I would have filed for separation and divorce regardless of this person being in my life .

[LikeWater]

I don't know if you've completely blown your chance with him, you'll just have to see if he comes around. Why did you feel the need to dig into his past when, according to you, he was very open and honest about his life from the get-go?

[Rose Mosse]

Continue that respect in the workplace. Stop talking to that no good person at work who muddled things up and next time do not gossip about your own personal business(dating issues) with another coworker. Please be mindful of who you speak to. Not everyone is your friend. Most people are NOT your friends at work and keep your personal life away from office gossip. If you think you can gain more information by selling your own personal information(volunteering your own information to third parties at work), that's the wrong answer. Don't do it.

 

Are you and your husband separated? If you're not separated or either of you has moved out yet, it's a good idea to wait until either of you have left. I met my husband when he was separated from his ex-wife. I have no qualms dating in gray areas and have forged my opinions from experience as long as all parties are aware and very respectful of each other and the divorce process/what's required. It sounds like your marriage is mutually over so good for you - onwards and forwards. Please be reminded that you are not a shadow or a sliver or a wisp of air or an inanimate object while you are separated. Being separated does not mean living in purgatory or in limbo. The purpose of being separated is to separate yourself from your previous life and in your success, you will eventually progress to some kind of readiness more and more each day. It is NO one's judgment but your own when you are ready to date again and fully bring someone into your life. You are human, you have feelings, you have desires and you (like others) will probably have a lot of love to give so do NOT sabotage yourself or tell yourself you deserve any less during the period of separation. Mind yourself and others and always be clear about your intentions.

 

Depending on how you feel about yourself and your newfound independence, you can speak to him about your feelings. I don't see why not or what is the big deal about starting off on the right foot and being open with each other. You might want to be honest about any insecurities you have about him and be frank about any worries you have about relationships in the workplace or what your workplace policies are. Be honest with each other and stop playing games with each other.

[Annia]

Is he still married?

[PJM]

No he is not married . He is a single Dad .

[PJM]

Thank you very much for the advice Rose .Makes more sense. Will be mindful of keeping the work and personal life separated. There are many insecure people at work and this place is a big gossip hub, and of course every thing got blew out of proportion and pissed him off. Any ways its behind now. Learnt my lesson. Right now I am focusing on my spiritual healing. The only doubts I had about him is that he worked in that place for lots of years and I am pretty new. Heard a rumor that he had dated couple of people before and hurt them ...don't know how true that is either , he did confirm that he did date one nurse long time before, but this rumor was stuck in my head and started digging...( again wrong on my part) . I think any relationship begins with trust and I did not trust what he said instead went behind his back and that too talked to a very insecure person who blew it for both of us. I am also working on getting my own , yes my marriage is over , but I still have to work on getting my own place... any ways Its hard when a beautiful thing ends ... and hopefully Its not for ever. Hope fully we can start on right foot again and make it a wonderful again. Still have some hopes left. Thank you again for your time.

[DancingFool]

I think it only looks beautiful to you because you are starved for attention of any kind. If you look at it more objectively....this is a guy who'll get involved with a married woman. Not exactly a man with high values and morals. That goes for you too. I don't care how bad your marriage is, getting involved with someone else shouldn't be on the table. Get divorced, then date. Keep your life clean like that and you'll attract better quality people. Keep your personal life out of your workplace as well. You are learning the hard way, why getting involved at work is a bad idea.

 

Ultimately, I think your gut instinct that this guy is not quite the poor nice guy who just happens to make bad choices was spot on. When someone is bad mouthing their ex's, it's only a matter of time before you become the ex he is bad mouthing. I think that intuitively, you know this very well, thus this digging and lack of trust. You were right not to trust him and I think you overall dodged a bullet.

 

Do get your life in order, get your own place, get your divorce squared away. Be truly single and date once you are fully free. A good man will not get involved with a woman who isn't divorced properly and well out of that. In short, once you get your life in order, you'll start attracting better men who have their life in order as well. Listen to your gut too and trust it - it's working just fine for you.

[reinventmyself]

You have 4 threads about the same exact thing, going back to 4/14.

 

this seems to be an epidemic today . . .