Very fresh breakup, advice needed!

[mollysam]

I (20f) am talking to my ex later today, because we are attempting to be friends. He is the one that wanted to be friends and I want to be friends just to at least feel like he is still there. I am not mad at him and he is not mad at me, we ended things quite mutually, I am just so upset. We were long distance and that is why I initiated the breakup, because I could not handle not seeing him for long amounts of time. Though I initiated it, there were unsolvable issues on both our ends that would not allow our relationship to work. The breakup happened 2 days ago and it still hurts. I have been crying all the time, just because I am upset that he is not in my life anymore. But in the past 2 days, I have gotten a little better. What really sucks is that this is occurring right as college finals are starting, and it is throwing me off my game. I did not go into the breakup conversation with the intention to breakup, so I didn't even see it coming. I attempt to study for all these really important exams and I just find myself feeling choked up every time I think about him, which is very frequent. Is there any way to reduce this feeling of constant distraction and sadness?

 

Also, I am dreading the FaceTime call with him, because a) I know that it won't be the same vibe as before but I still have feelings for him, I just know that I cannot handle the situation b) it might possibly be the last time I will talk to him, so I already feel like I will cry. I have this huge exam later today and I had not let my relationship impact my studies until right now, the worst time possible. But my mind can't focus on anything else.

 

How can I prepare myself for the call today? My goal is to a) not think about this all day b) not cry while talking to him and c) generally keep my cool. I am scared that I will not be able to do those things, and that I would regret it. But I am the one that reached out to talk to him, I wish he was still mine.

[Keyman]

For a start, the friendship thing will only drag out the heartache and distraction. Remaining friends helps to take the edge off the breakup at the time of breaking up. It's like when you get an injection they say, 'this might sting a little'. This makes you feel a little more at ease when going through it. The problem with 'the remaining friends' statement is that it will cause you to hold onto hope that things will be easier this way. But, from experience, it never is. Friends can happen months down the track, but it rarely works straight out of the gates.

[Billie28]

Have you ever met him in person?

[mollysam]

Since it was long distance, I think the "friend" option is a nice title, but will rarely be used. I honestly just think it will make things easier for now, especially because there is no real bad blood between us. I don't think he would frequently contact me as a friend, I just really miss his company, even if its only through FaceTime. We had good conversation and I just feel like even if he's not my boyfriend, he is still a good person I would like to have in my life. I have met him in person, we've spent some days together but the reason I wanted to break up was because I wanted to see him more than I could, and I personally could not handle that. I feel like this breakup is my fault and that I brought this upon myself, but I don't know how to focus on the fact that this is truly better for ME.

 

Any advice on moving on? I'm also really scared about this closure call, I don't want to break down but I feel like I might. I want to be strong about this but I'm finding it hard. I don't have many friends that have gone through breakups, especially of this nature, so I really have no one with me to advise me on what to do in this time.

 

I know time heals all wounds, but I don't have the time to wallow. I have exams coming up and I need to focus and I don't know how to! If you have any advice for any of the multitude of problems, I'd greatly appreciate it

[Batya33]

Closure is what you give yourself. The Facetime call is probably a bad idea. You must - must - make a choice that until finals are over you will not indulge the temptation to think about him or get dragged down. Do whatever it takes. I have been there and this can affect your life -your job prospects, your self esteem since you seem to care a lot about your grades (as did I). He is not worth it -worth the risk of you not being on your game. Schedule a 5-10 minute pity party for yourself per day and you cannot control your feelings just your reactions -so if you feel yourself getting emotional have something ready to work out the energy (in the olden times in the 1980s and 1990s I made dance tapes for myself to work out the fear of finals, etc). Also do not talk about him incessantly with friends and ask them not to bring up that topic.

 

It's worth going on this disciplined regimen for your college career. You'll really regret it otherwise. You can do this.

[catfeeder]

I (20f) am talking to my ex later today, because we are attempting to be friends.

 

That's messy kid stuff. It's leftover from the days of sharing classes and social circles with the people we break up with. Skip that. It will stunt you from moving forward to find someone who's a good match.

[smackie9]

I know you want to quickly fill that void with a friendship to ease the pain, but you will be going backwards. May as well rip the band-aid off and go no contact. You will find your way without him quicker.

[Rose Mosse]

Given the time zone, the call might have already happened and you've finished writing your exam. Now's a good time to take a short breather and reflect on whether you really want to remain friends with someone while you still have feelings for each other.