elements91 Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 Ok, this is a long one. Hope you're ready. I started having sex right out the gate back in September with this girl that I knew for two years. There was always a spark between us, and over those two years we had gotten pretty close, but for whatever reason we never acknowledged that spark. Back in September we had sex out of nowhere and it was incredible. I took her virginity that night. For the next few months we couldn't stop having sex, it was dirty, freaky, we explored all our fetishes, I've never experienced anything like that in my life. Sometimes we would do it even four times in one day. We couldn't stop doing it. We would get turned on at the mere sight of each other. BUT...there was just one catch. After like the third time we had sex (like the second or third day after we first did it) she started doing this "disappearing" act, where she would go away, ignore me completely, leave me in the dark, come back like a day or two later and say "it's over, I don't want this, goodbye". She said more than that obviously, and some of the things she said was extremely hurtful (but never once did she personally attack me). And because this stuff coming out of nowhere really cut into me deep, I would try to calm her down and get her to tell me what's going on in her head, I would say things like "baby you know me, it's me, tell me", but she would always play the cryptic game with me, and she threatened to cut me off forever so many times. This was like a twice a week thing, I'm not even joking, and it ended up becoming emotional abuse. It was a cycle of abuse for me. But I'll be honest, after the first time we had sex I fell in love with her, and I've never been in love before. I've hd gfs before and I've had sex before, but after I had sex with her, everything just felt so right and so perfect. So because of this, I couldn't let her go and I would keep fighting for her to stay. She would stay, we would have sex again, and the cycle would repeat...over and over and over and over again. Every time she said she was gonna leave, she would change up her logic slightly to make it harder for me to keep her around. There were a few times where I was just like " it, just go", but a day or two would go by, and she would tell me how much she misses me and how much she wants my body again, etc. Sometimes these fights would escalate so bad that she would scream her lungs out and one time I even told her I was gonna "slap the out of her if she dosn't shut the f- up". Yes, it got THAT bad, and trust me I'm not a violent person and I would never do that, but I said it because I was just THAT hurt. Not you might be asking "why fight so hard with her just to keep her? If she says doesn't want this, then why try to make it work?". Well...when she was affectionate with me she would tell me things like she wants to have kids with me and raise a family, and do all these amazing things. Sometimes she would cry out of nowhere and tell me "You need to leave me, you need to let me go, I'm just gonna hurt you, and I never wanna hurt you, never you". I started to think that she was bi-polar or maybe she was borderline or something. That maybe she did really wanna be with me, but during her "swings" she would freak out and want to get away from me. Because I noticed that she would always "change" just when everything started feeling perfect again. We were romantic, affectionate, it was incredible. One time we had sex for 4 hours and she started crying in the middle and said "I never want this night to end". We tried being friends with benefits, didn't work. We tried being just friends didn't work. We just couldn't let each other go (even when I tried to leave she would pull me back too), and we both felt stuck and trapped. It was both a heaven and a nightmare, with extreme highs and extreme lows, liek a rollercoaster. Well back in February she randomly texted me in the morning and told me never to contact her again. She left after that and I thought she really was gone forever. The pain I was in was so intense. I drank myself into a frenzy, cursing myself that I let myself get so involved with this woman. She texts me back four days later saying she wants to talk. She told me that she had to tell me something. She said that she's more religious than I think. So I said ok and didn't really think much of it. Then she told me the stinger...she's Muslim. Yes, she's Muslim and I had no idea. But in that moment everything made sense to me. Basically, she told me that she had been hiding that from me all this time because she didn't want me to negatively judge her and think of her as a bad person (she knows I'm conservative and she's liberal). And she said she really likes me a lot, but she keeps feeling trapped and wanting to leave because she knows it will never work. She said her parents would never accept me, and she knows I would never convert anyway, so there's no point. So she said that's why she was torn the whole time and she's sorry for putting me through all that. She says she knows she hurt me so much but she couldn't make a decision because of her feelings for me. And also she was stressed out because she had sex before marriage, and every time she was with me she saw it as a sin, something bad that she shouldn't be doing. Not only that, but she told me that when she was with me she would also flirt with other guys on the side for fun and attention, but she promised me that she never had sex with any of them or kissed them, she's just lonely, and she feels like she's lost the person that she used to be, which was really religious. Aftar that we started having sex again, and...nothing changed. She kept doing her back and forth thing again and the same bull kept happening. Last week she told me that she's really done for real now, she said it's been going on for 7 months and that's too long of her life to waste. So we both have to move on. So out of desperation I said to her "Ok wait, can I say something? You never showed me this part of your life, the religious part. That's a big part of who you are, and while I know you wouldn't want me to ever convert for any reason other than for the religion itself, would you mind bringing me into that part of your life for a bit? Just so I can see? I can't make any promises because all of this is so new to me and so different from anything I know, but we've gotten so close and I want you to show me. Can we start there, and see where it goes, see what happens?". So she said ok, and for the next couple days we still had sex and she showed me things about Islam and I sat with her and we read the Quran together. And...something happened. I found myself being drawn to the religion. I'm not even kidding, I went into this thinking "no way this is gonna work, no way", I'm a close minded kind of guy lol, but I allowed myself to open my mind and focus on the religion and the things I was reading and the way I was being pulled into it really effected me, and it wasn't even a couple of days until I started seeing positive changes in my life. I told her I couldn't believe it, but I want to keep going with this. So for the past week I've been really getting into this religion with her, and we've both been SO MUCH HAPPIER. She's been extra affectionate with me, she told me "for the first time I'm truly happy with you", we've both been at peace, she actually sleeps with me in bed all night now, it feels like a really healthy relationship. I'm so happy and she's so happy, and I told her that this could be a real possiblity for us in the future. She told me she's never felt this close with anybody before, and she's so happy because she can be herself with me and I will accept her. Fast forward to yesterday and we had a really intense experience with the religion. She cried, I felt the intensity too, and we both had to leave the room and walk around for a bit. When we came back we made out, we held each other and we both said "this is right where I want to be, always". I'm not even joking, it was one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had in my life. But there was just one thing that bothered me. We haven't had sex in a week. So I told her today that we should just spend tome together tonight just me and her, no religion, just enjoy our time in bed with each other, because I feel drained after last night (which I did). And she said yes that's a good idea. So I was happy. Tonight comes around and she texts me telling me how amazing it was with me last night with the religion, how powerful it was, etc, and she wants that again. So I told her that we can do that tomorrow because I feel drained and I want to just relax with her and enjoy our time together. Also, I didn't feel ok having sex with her right before or right after we do religion because...that just feels weird. So I figured we can have an "off day" and do some of that dirty stuff again. I told her to come over she said she's gonna leave now, but then 30 minutes go by and I don't hear from her at all. So I texted her "where are you? I'm in bed already" and she starts giving me one word answers back, saying things like she's just tired, etc. So I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing, but she doesn't want to sleep in the same bed with me and that she's going to sleep. So then I texted her and told her that this is what pisses me off, when you completely change what you wanna do and don't give me a reason. So she told me it's because she wantd to do the Quran with me again. So I told her that we can do that, just come over here. Then she said "no it's too late now, I'm over it, and I don't feel it right now, the affection, the feelings, etc". So I told her that if it was that important to her why she didn't just tell me and she said "idk". So she told me she's going to sleep, we said good night, sweet dreams, and that was it. This worries me. It worries me a lot. I'm not upset that she didn't come over tonight, what I'm upset about is that I'm afraid that us making religion such a big part of our relationship has taken away our sexual spark. Yes, I know that she's Muslim and she's not supposed to have sex until marriage, but we've had sex so many times already (over 100 probably), and even at the best and worst of times we would always have sex because that was our "thing". Between us it was incredible. We would walk around naked together, we would cook naked together, we would do things that I would never do with another woman like shave each other's...areas. Now it feels like she doesn't even want it anymore, and it makes me sad. I still get turned on when I see her, and I don't know if she does anymore. It almost feels like we've made everything so pure and so innocent that she doesn't feel that sexy spark with me anymore. Am I happy that we're both happily romantically involved right now? Yes, of course, I would take this any day of the week over how we used to be, but I was hoping that we could have a healthy balance between the two, and while I understand that continuing sex with me IS a sin at this point, I'm just afraid that the religion part is gonna take over so much that she's not even gonna be sexually attracted to me anymore. We used to be so free with our bodies, now it's like all I can do is make out with her and hold her. She won't sleep naked with me anymore either even when we do sleep together. Does anybody have any advice? I know, LONG story, but I feel like all of this has been so worth it. I found a religion that I really feel invested in so much and that can make me a much better person, and I'm more happy with her than I ever was before, almost completey stress free and at peace, for the first time in 7 months. I just need the sex. I've been masturbating on my own because she's not putting out anymore, and I NEVER thought we would ever become like that because of how we used to be. I know how dirty she is, I know her sexually so well, but it's almost like she's found a "new sex" (metaphorically speaking) with our religion. She wants to do religion with me all the time now. And trust me I love the religion, but why can't we just have a healthy balance? I feel like I have my baby closer than ever before, but at the same time I feel like she's not here, if that makes sense. I even told her that I wanted a balance between the romance (I didn't mention sex) and the religion and she said she agrees. But after last night's powerful experience, she's so wrapped up in it that I'm afraid that the further we go, the more it's going to revolve only around religion. To sum all of this up, not having sex with her I can deal with, I understand why she wouldn't want to, I'll just masturbate on my own, but my worries come from the fact that she may lose that sexual attraction with me because of how pure and innocent we are getting with all of this, especially when it becomes months without having sex with me. I've never been a really religious person before, so this is all new to me. Should I be worried? Should I mention it or just leave it alone? I just feel like the religious connection that we have is taking over everything else, and my ultimate fear in all of this is that she's gonna lose the affection completely and I'm just gonna end up getting friend zoned at some point (imagine that after everything lol). After tonight it has me worried, especially when, because I said I didn't wanna do the religion, she told me she didn't feel the affection tonight. I REALLY don't want our romance and attraction to be based so heavily on our religion. I don't know, maybe I'm overthinking all of this, but I'm just worried. I don't feel fully comfortable right now. Link to comment
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