How do we go back to enjoying doing things together ?

[SMPanda]

Hi all . I feel a bit lost . I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 7 years and I love him to bits . He has always been lovely and kind and just wonderful. We used to do so many things together and have so much fun . In the last year or two however, we just don't seem to be spending much quality time together . He is working a lot and even tho we live together it's like we're in two different rooms most of the time . We do sometimes watch a film together or tv , mostly doing weekly shopping Or running errands together but that's about it . I have mentioned to him about going to cinema in a few days but he didn't seem interested, and kind of hinted that he will be tired after work. I am trying to find something that he likes for us to do together but I'm just not sure what. He doesn't like to go out much to clubs, pubs, galleries , museum , dinner etc which makes things tricky for me . He does like motorbikes and cars but I'm not sure what we can do around it that won't cost too much . Can someone help with some ideas please or just some advice on what to do . Thank you

[Rose Mosse]

Do you have a shared day off together (even if it is one day)? I'd also be inclined to ask if you have engaged with him regarding other aspects as well (going on in your separate lives). For example, if he has stresses at work or any family relationship issues outside of your relationship, how much do you know? Sometimes we stop engaging with our partners in long term relationships and forget to come back to each other because we both want different things at different times.

[melancholy123]

I married a car nut and over time I learned a lot about his weird little British cars and went with him to car shows, swap meets, and more junkyards than I can count! What if you try doing things that he likes, even if you dont know much about them? He may like that and it'd give you time together.

[Hollyj]

How about hiking, a walk or a picnic? Check out local events that are free.

[maew]

He does like motorbikes and cars but I'm not sure what we can do around it that won't cost too much

 

Go to a dealership and take some fancy schmancy new car for a test drive... usually no cost to that except having to schmooze the sales person! :)

 

That said, it sounds like you are both burnt out and exhausted... beyond just asking him to do things with you, have you communicated how you feel about the distance between the two of you? Tried to understand where he was coming from?

Until you navigate that and find out the root, doing things together would just be a short term fix and eventually you guys would end up back where you were.

[Hollyj]

Go to a dealership and take some fancy schmancy new car for a test drive... usually no cost to that except having to schmooze the sales person! :)

That said, it sounds like you are both burnt out and exhausted... beyond just asking him to do things with you, have you communicated how you feel about the distance between the two of you? Tried to understand where he was coming from?

Until you navigate that and find out the root, doing things together would just be a short term fix and eventually you guys would end up back where you were.

 

Coming from a sales background, I would not be thrilled with someone wasting my time. These folks need to make a living.

[SMPanda]

We have weekends together but sometimes he does overtime on Sundays. I try to come up with ideas but it just feels like he doesn't really want to try or he just goes with it and then kind of complains that he did it. I try to be open about everything and ask him when I sense something is wrong and he tells me or he would just tell me if he had a really crappy day at work and I try to help put because I hate seeing him down or stressed .

[SarahLancaster]

If you love him to bits, then you clearly think the relationship is worth saving.

 

What about planning a romantic getaway for a weekend at a nice hotel? Also, familiarity breeds contempt, as they say. Have you ever thought of taking a little trip with girlfriends just to get away? Maybe he'd appreciate you more.

[SMPanda]

I'm not so much into cars and bikes but I do like to learn . I enjoyed "helping" to take his friends car apart and we went to this place called Ace Cafe and I loved it . It's just that he doesn't really come up with things that he wants to do and I feel like I'm trying and trying and kind of pushing him away . I'm always open to do things that he wants to do as well but I just don't know what he wants . Whenever I ask anything he says " you chose " or " it's up to you " " I don't mind" etc

[Hollyj]

Why don't you have serious talk with him?

[reinventmyself]

How about you talk to him and come up with a plan together?

Share with him what you just told us and tell him you would like to feel more connected in spite of your busy scheduled . .and maybe the two of you can come up with some thing fun to do together.

I wouldn't know how to say no to that. Unless I've already checked out of the relationship.

[SMPanda]

I do . We have both put so much time, lovd and effort into this relationship. But i don't know if it's me, if I'm becoming boring . For the past year I have been a bit out of sorts , found out I have depression and trying to work through it and I don't want to be holding him down or anything . I've tried to book things a few times and I had to cancel or he wasn't really interested .

 

The idea of a girls trip sounds good. Maybe we're living in each other's pockets .

[SMPanda]

I will try to do that. I just don't know how to start the conversation , I don't want to make him feel like I'm blaming him of anything or make him feel bad .

[Hollyj]

You tell him what you told us. If you cannot have a simple convo with someone after 7 years, then you are with the wrong person.

 

Sounds like there are some big communication issues. Remember, you are half of this relationship and you are not happy.

[SMPanda]

How about hiking, a walk or a picnic? Check out local events that are free.

 

I like that kind of stuff to be fair , I've looked for fun fairs , gigs, comedy shows and stuff like that .

[SMPanda]

That's true . I will have to talk to him and sort it out . I'm just worried I will push him away but I guess if that's happen you're probably right about the wrong person . I would hate for it to happen because I love him so damn much

[Wiseman2]

Shake things up. Go out more by yourself with friends. Stop all the mundane "running errands together" stuff. You are in a rut. How long have you lived together? Clubs, pubs and museums is very boring and obviously of no interest to him. Instead join some clubs, groups and sports of your own. Get in shape, update your hair, clothes etc. Do more for yourself. Act like when you were first dating.

 

After 7 years you must remember what dating was like before you started living together and got into the playing house rut, no? Revitalize that. Does he like the outdoors? Don't just hang out like fixtures in the house. Stir up the tedium.

He is working a lot and even tho we live together it's like we're in two different rooms most of the time. mostly doing weekly shopping Or running errands together but that's about it. He does like motorbikes and cars but I'm not sure what we can do around it that won't cost too much.

[catfeeder]

He sounds bored, uninspired and possibly depressed. You can't tap-dance him out of that. I like Wiseman's advice to start investing in your own life solo, and either he'll eventually take some notice of that and consider stepping up to the plate, or not.

[LootieTootie]

Usually when someone is working excessively, it may be a sign of avoidance. Not that he is avoiding you but maybe avoiding confrontation or addressing something that may be lingering in the back of the room. I know I used to worked excessively and it was to avoid confronting my own misery of being lonely (I was living on my own and had no social life).

 

I would have a serious talk with him and like others have mentioned, you do you. Look in to what inspires you, what your passions/hobbies are, partake in girl night out, go bowling/golfing with friends/family, retail-therapy with girlfriends, etc.

 

It may just help him remember this old you he fell for.

[baileyf14]

Hi there! Relationships can be very difficult sometimes, especially when you have been together for so long. The best thing to do in a relationship is to be open and honest with each other. Talk to him about the way you are feeling and get his opinion on what he would like to do. I hope everything gets better!