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May have bitten off more than I can chew


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I find myself in an awful situation, and I want to stop it getting to a point where someone is going to get hurt, yet loathed to let both guys go.

 

After quite a lengthy hiatus from dating (years) I find myself back on the scene and having a quite different experience this time around.

 

In the past few weeks I have had quite a few dates. Of these I have met 2 guys (A and B - not joking, real initials! Lol!), both of whom I have clicked with and both of whom have ticked all the right qualities boxes. Other than being gentlemanly they are not the same kind of guy and I think I'm attracted to both because they complement different aspects of me, in what I believe to be in equal measure. Both of them have explicitly told me that they are attracted to me both physically and mentally. I find myself attracted to both in equal measure.

 

I am currently away for work and both have been in contact, almost every night for a chat. B has set up our next date; A is travelling for a relative's funeral, so no catch up has been set, and that is fine with me. It's not the time for such things to be thought about.

 

I was not expecting this attraction to both men to happen and obviously for them both to reciprocate. And it upsets me immensely that if things continue to progress positively I am going to have to make a choice and one of them will get hurt. I am quite okay with either of them deciding I am not the one for them and walking away, but the thing that drives that is a topic for discussion with my therapist! I don't want or need that discussed here. I know what's behind it!

 

And whilst it is early days, honeymoon period, I am not sure how to navigate this.

 

1. Do I bite a bullet and cut a guy lose?

2. If yes, how do I choose?

3. Do I let things progress and bank on things fading out with either one or both (!) of them...And then all this hand-wringing would have been for nought!

4. Would any of you just ride it out and que sera sera?

 

I seriously believe I can have a long term committed relationship with either. In fact probably with both - I've toyed with the idea of this progressing to a polyamorous relationship - but I have more than a gut feeling this would probably not be something either of them would be comfy with!

 

A lives 4 hours away. May be that makes the idea of an open relationship seem easier in my mind. Also this distance would not be a deciding factor in cutting him loose. I'm not that black and white - do I need to be?

 

Please help me! Perhaps I am over-reacting. Perhaps not wanting to hurt a great guy should be a real concern. What would you all suggest?

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I think you're jumping the gun. It's only been two weeks since you met both of them. You don't need to be exclusive with either of them. Just don't commit to either and let things unfold. Eventually you'll know which one to cut. Chances are you'll eventually cut both of them.

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People who are polyamorous are in the extreme minority. If that's a goal of yours, perhaps you could do research to find out if there are any meet up groups of that kind in your area. If you presented this idea to any guy you dated, the most likely response is that he will walk away. IMO, it's okay to multi date, but when you get to the point of swapping spit with someone, it's kind of a crappy thing to do with two people at once, unless you're honest with them that that's what you're doing, and you're okay with them doing that with other women.

 

As for me, I don't want to make out with a new love interest if I know he's making out with another woman as well. If we share that kind of chemistry, I want to see where the relationship can go without outside interference from others.

 

So basically you need to find a man who shares your dating goals/style. What would I do in your shoes? Let the long distance guy go because 4 hours is too daunting a distance to date at a normal pace. I always limited myself to guys who lived within 45 minutes of me when I was on OLD because I wanted a regular companion, not a Skypeing pal.

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I'd like to know a little bit more about how long the A/B dance has been going on. If it's just a few weeks—and a few dates with each—I'd say take a deep breath, remind yourself that you are still very much getting to know these compelling strangers, that you actually have no idea if either would be suitable for a long term relationship, and just go with it. Time tends to sort out these matters with a lot more grace than our overthinking minds.

 

I've been in your shoes plenty, or versions of them. I wouldn't say I'm an avid "multi-dater" but when I'm on the apps odds are I'm talking to multiple people, and so I tend to go out with more than one. I've never struggled when it comes to matching with attractive, interesting people—and I connect well, at least early. So sometimes—often, I'd say—there are promising connections with more than one. Happens. Speaking for myself, if someone really gets under my skin there's just no denying it, even if there's another whose almost getting under my skin, you know? And so my focus tends to just naturally narrow to one—a pretty quick process.

 

As for the poly thoughts, I've entertained those plenty myself as well, especially during these moments. But I've also come to think they're less genuine than a way of rationalizing really nice connections that may not have the juice for full-on commitment or just haven't been given the time to develop. But if it's genuinely something you're thinking about, there's no harm in bringing it up.

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You've gone on one date with either of these guys. Things will sort them self out naturally. Keep in mind they are also multidating at this point meeting various women. That is not "polyamory", that is meeting people. 3 is your best probably only option, unless you cut one loose sooner.

3. Do I let things progress and bank on things fading out with either one or both

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I think you're jumping the gun. It's only been two weeks since you met both of them. You don't need to be exclusive with either of them. Just don't commit to either and let things unfold. Eventually you'll know which one to cut. Chances are you'll eventually cut both of them.

 

I agree with this. ^^^

 

You’ve only been dating them a couple of weeks. You barely know them.

 

This is all par for the course when it comes to dating - taking your time and getting to know someone before determining if they’re the right person for you.

 

No need to jump the gun. Continue to date and get to know them. You’re still in the very early stages!

Edited by milly007
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You mentioned that you can’t really see yourself with either one for the long-term

 

She actually said the opposite: that she can see herself with either long term.

 

To which I'd say: she's doing a bit of mental math, because these are two nice guys who like her, to bridge to places where her heart and spirit aren't all in.

 

These guys are "good on paper," which is a good start—a place to explore, surely. But not the place to bend into knots, or feel any need to "commit" before the heart and spirit are ready for that.

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She actually said the opposite: that she can see herself with either long term.

 

To which I'd say: she's doing a bit of mental math, because these are two nice guys who like her, to bridge to places where her heart and spirit aren't all in.

 

These guys are "good on paper," which is a good start—a place to explore, surely. But not the place to bend into knots, or feel any need to "commit" before the heart and spirit are ready for that.

 

Oh thanks, bluecastle. I misread and edited my post.

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Not everyone dates like you and I'd be a bit more forthright about dating more than one person if this carries more than over a month. Both men have a right to choose whether they want to have anything to do with a woman who dates two guys at the same time. There is nothing wrong with it if the parties consent but you should acknowledge that there is a percentage of people who will feel you're a bit full of yourself and misleading if you continue to date more than one person for an extended period of time without being completely open about it.

 

A second point I'd like to make is your passive role in the dating game. You're waiting for one of them to cut you off and then more than happy to pander the choice or the discussion to your therapist. This is not fair to them or you. If I've misunderstood or misinterpreted please let me know. From the sounds of your first post, 5th paragraph, you seem confusingly unstable and I would be appalled if I ever found out (if I were one of the men) that the woman I was dating was 1) dating another man at the same time and 2) waiting for me to cut things off and then happy to discuss it with her therapist.

 

I'm getting the feel overall that you're just getting back into dating and that's fine. You did mention this is your first time dating in a long time. It takes time to get into it and learn to trust your instincts. I think fairness is needed all around and openness/honesty between all parties involved. Treat others the way you would like to be treated. Keeping this going until it falls apart only to discuss the outcome with your therapist isn't my idea of a good date at all. I'd be a bit traumatized and very put off if I knew I was dating someone like this.

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I think you're putting the cart before the horse. You're not really dating either of these guys after "a few weeks." Someone interpreted "a few weeks" as two weeks...I interpret it as four, or one month. You're presently away and busy for work. One of the guys lives four hours away...that's eight hours round trip. Basically, he trips your trigger on text and maybe a call or facetime, but in person...nothing. You have nothing to work with. The other guy I'm assuming lives closer and you can see him more, but being away from home makes this impossible right now, so you are also dealing with a paper protocol...boxes checked...not someone you can touch and and see and spend time with face to face. Checking all the boxes is a good place to start, for sure, but without spending time together in person, there's no way to know if you are truly compatible.

 

I say just to ride it out for now. It's too soon to know anything, and the time to really know either of these men is not really there. When you're back home, date...in person. I won't encourage some texting relationship with some guy who lives 4 hours away. Date people in person. Date people who live close enough you can see each other with regularity.

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In the past few weeks I have had quite a few dates. Of these I have met 2 guys (A and B - not joking, real initials! Lol!), both of whom I have clicked with and both of whom have ticked all the right qualities boxes. Other than being gentlemanly they are not the same kind of guy and I think I'm attracted to both because they complement different aspects of me, in what I believe to be in equal measure. Both of them have explicitly told me that they are attracted to me both physically and mentally. I find myself attracted to both in equal measure.

 

You're moving too fast. They have not checked off the right quality boxes. They're both on their best behavior, and there hasn't been enough time to see their true characters. That can only be seen when each of them has to deal with adversity.

 

Keep dating them. If they try to push you towards a relationship, tell them you're not ready for it. Let's see how they react (adversity). Will each one take it in stride, or get upset over not getting their way. Will one of them try to be physical with you before you are ready? You control the pace in dating them. Take your time and let's see how things play out.

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