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Almost Relationship with Colleague Ended - please need advice


Gingiexo
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Long story short I've been dating a guy in work for three months now. We both have strong feelings for each other but he said last week that he is too afraid of a relationship and getting hurt that he can't give me the committment I want (he told me these worries at the start)

 

He is very conflicted over this as he wishes he wasn't afraid. We cried together for hours when having this whole conversation about committment. Another thing to note is that during the whole conversation we both said we still care for one another and things weren't left bitter or awkward between us.

 

After the conversation we didn't explicitly say that we weren't seeing each other anymore. A few hours later I texted him saying we should get some breathing space and room to think and then talk in a few days. He agreed with this.

 

Its coming up to 7 days later and he hasn't contacted me again (I refuse to text him first as he is the one with the issue).

 

The problem I need most help with is that we have a meeting in work with 3 others on Monday and I really want to get out of it. The thought of it makes me so anxious and upset having to sit in a room with him while he hasn't even texted me since our conversation. But another part of me says I should walk into that room with confidence and be strong and show him what he's missing out on, a mature, strong and confident young woman.

 

Should I go to the meeting or save myself the heartache??

Thanks so much

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Sorry you're going through this.

 

I say you go to the meeting, but not quite for the reason you listed. I say you go because you are a mature, strong, confident woman—not because you need to put on that front in hopes manipulating his feelings.

 

He's been clear with you about who he is and where he is emotionally since you met. And he's been clear now. You really can't ask more from someone, and while it can hurt when feelings don't line up, it's best to just accept that and move forward, head high as the heart heals.

 

I'm sure you guys have a special connection. Think of it as a reminder of what your heart is capable of, something to share, ultimately, with someone who is not fear driven but on the same emotional plane as you are.

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I think you should go to the meeting as well but I also think that you should put an end to putting yourself on hold for him and just text him that you are ending things outright and with clarity because its clear that he isn't ready to be in a relationship.

 

This man is jaded, has a lot of emotional baggage and its totally unfair to you to be left in limbo. You took space from one another to reflect on your last weeping conversation with him and I hope you have come to the conclusion that you are that confident woman who will not wait for an emotionally immature man to weld all the power over you.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Part of me agrees with you, I want to take control of the situation because the anxiety of waiting for a message that may never come is hurting me. What's making me not message him first is the fact I also don't want further engagement with him because it hurts. I know where he stands and there's nothing more that needs to be said. I think I asked for that space of a few days so he'd realise he's making a mistake..sad I know, but I didn't know what else to do. So his lack of messaging me is all the closure I need I think. I don't want to have him say anything else to me on the matter

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Agree with smackie. I had my own version of this with a female co-worker. Very similar to what you described.

 

Back then we'd work on the same floor but different sides so didn't really have to see or face her that much. Turns out that later on she was transferred to my area and I basically had to see her quite a lot and things became very umconfortable. For both of us but obviously I was feeling much more because I was the dumpee. She even atempted a 'friendly' reconciliation which just confused the hell out of me back then.

 

Luckily I finished my project and went to another building but I still see her around sometimes. I turned out to be come the worst break up in my life, not because of how it went but because I had to continually deal with it afterwords. I still have to deal with the prospect of seeing her anytime around the corner but now it's all more settled.

 

I cannot describe how terrible the idea of dating a coworker is but having said that I also acknowledge that when you really like someone (and they seem to like you back), it's hard to put the brakes on. However, I'm afraid this guy doesn't like you as much as he says he does, otherwise he'd be happy to keep dating or even start a relationship with you.

 

99 times out of 100, when someone says I'm not ready for a relationship means not ready for one with you. Very few human beings would let someone they really like go just because they think they're not fully healed from something.

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I suspect his tears were crocodile tears only, so he wouldn’t come out looking like the bad guy (realising he still has to work with you) who enjoyed a fleeting fling and left essentially.

 

Dating a co worker is a huge gamble that more often than not doesn’t pay off.

To take that risk , one would have to have built a very solid friendship first.

 

How long have you been colleagues for and what is his dating history like?

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Go to the meeting and remain professional. I'm going to take a gamble and say that it's likely your colleagues knew that you were an item. You not showing for the meeting is just letting everyone know (and most of all, yourself) that you lack the ability to remain professional at work and you have trouble managing your personal life and your work commitments. I think a little tough love on yourself is in order. Be kind to yourself by reminding yourself of your priorities and commitments. Don't let this one incident dating a coworker influence your career.

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Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. Part of me agrees with you, I want to take control of the situation because the anxiety of waiting for a message that may never come is hurting me. What's making me not message him first is the fact I also don't want further engagement with him because it hurts. I know where he stands and there's nothing more that needs to be said. I think I asked for that space of a few days so he'd realise he's making a mistake..sad I know, but I didn't know what else to do. So his lack of messaging me is all the closure I need I think. I don't want to have him say anything else to me on the matter

Please let us know how you make out after your meeting is over and done with. I KNOW you have the strength and resolve to get through with grace and professionalism. Prove me right, M'kay? (( ))

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Develop a convenient case of amnesia and treat the guy as kindly and as professionally as you'd treat a stranger with whom you're scheduled to collaborate.

 

Work is not therapeutic environment. You have a job to do, so be professional and behave in ways to make yourself proud.

 

Head high, and keep your dating pool outside of work.

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I married someone I originally met at work, we dated while working there for about a year (we each left that company). I think it's fine to date people you meet at work as long as there is no supervisory relationship and as long as you don't work closely together (all true in my case). I worked many hours and unpredictably so meeting people at work was natural as it was for several of my friends who met their SOs/spouses that way. I hope you are ok, that the meeting went ok and that you are feeling better.

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