Feeling horrible for how i feel post break up

[moonandsun]

I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago after months of considering it.

He loved me deeply but he kept doing things that hurt me as he wouldnt reflect or consider my feelings. He was never abusive (emotionally or physically), but overtime, after seeing that he lied to me about some things, said the wrong things, and realizing we were both in different waves in life, i couldnt see a future with him anymore.

 

We broke up but he kept trying to get me back. I was always very communicative with him during the relationship, he knew everything that bothered me, but only after we broke up did he realize that my feelings were valid. He realized he wasnt truly considering them during our relationship, and told me he can be better this time around. We finally cut contact for a week, but he reached out again during a vulnerable moment i was going through. We had a long talk about all the things he did that hurt me, and he said he understood and can work on that ,and we kissed, and i thought about getting back together with him. But, after trying it for a day, i felt a heavy anxiety attack and guilty and realized it wasn't what i wanted.

 

I keep reading poems and writen thoughts about how "i should move on" because he never chose me,but he did keep choosing me. And i feel like an awful human being who couldnt love a person who loved me with all his heart.

 

I guess i still miss him a lot, i loved his company, but i just stopped feeling in love with him, or compeltely wanting to be with him for the rest of my life.

 

How do you move on from a break up where no one was the bad guy, a break up where you just were not totally in the relationship anymore even though you loved the person?

[SarahLancaster]

It takes time, but I promise you, you'll heal eventually.

 

It's always hard when you've spent a good amount of time with someone and suddenly he isn't a part of your life anymore. When you're together, you tend to see the world through his eyes, and it's not easy to go from a couple to a single person.

 

Of course it will hurt for a while. You're bound to think of the good times you had together, but you know that the bad times outweighed them. You simply weren't compatible, and you'll both be better off eventually when you find someone who is more suited to you. Try not to wallow in hurt. Concentrate on living by yourself and enjoy your life.

[rainorshine]

We had a long talk about all the things he did that hurt me, and he said he understood and can work on that ,and we kissed, and i thought about getting back together with him. But, after trying it for a day, i felt a heavy anxiety attack and guilty and realized it wasn't what i wanted.

 

How do you move on from a break up where no one was the bad guy, a break up where you just were not totally in the relationship anymore even though you loved the person?

 

Hi, I think I can relate to what you are going through some. Long story short, my ex boyfriend broke up with me and came begging for me back after 4 months. I was deeply in love with him, no question about it, from the time he ended our relationship to about the first three months after. But then, something in me shifted. In attempt to get over him, I had forced myself to take him off the pedestal I had put him on while in the relationship, and in doing so, I slowly began to realize our incompatibilities as partners. From then on, in my heart I knew there were better-suited people out there for us. I had fully convinced myself we were not meant to be together.

 

But then he came back. And we, too, had a long talk. About the hurt he put me through, about what he needed to improve on as a partner and as a person going forward. He said he understood; he promised he would work on everything I had mentioned. I was confused. I didn't know what I felt anymore. So we kissed, spent the night together, and began to see one another again.

 

It lasted two months. Like you, nearly every day was constant anxiety for me. Everything was going fine on the surface, but I was carrying so much emotional burden. I loved him, but it wasn't the same. He was failing to do the things he had promised me he would (despite him constantly telling me he was trying), and it left me exceedingly frustrated and hurt on a daily basis. Every day the feeling of us not being right for one another was getting stronger, and I couldn't see myself marrying him anymore. Eventually I knew I had fallen out of love with him, despite how deeply I loved him as a person. So, I ended our relationship for good. That was almost 3 months ago, and we haven't spoken since.

 

I feel guilty, too. But in the end, it wasn't my fault. It was neither of our faults. We both cared immensely for each other; we both wanted it to work. But the fact is, it wasn't, and us trying to force it was only hurting us in the end. It sucks, truly. But you have to remember that no amount of love can change the fact that you aren't right for one another. To truly move on, you must accept this, and allow it to pave your path going forward. Remember that you did you and him BOTH a favor by ending a relationship that was not meant to last. Trust your heart on this. You will thank yourself for it, and I promise that he will eventually thank you, too.

[Utterlyhurt]

Hi, I think I can relate to what you are going through some. Long story short, my ex boyfriend broke up with me and came begging for me back after 4 months. I was deeply in love with him, no question about it, from the time he ended our relationship to about the first three months after. But then, something in me shifted. In attempt to get over him, I had forced myself to take him off the pedestal I had put him on while in the relationship, and in doing so, I slowly began to realize our incompatibilities as partners. From then on, in my heart I knew there were better-suited people out there for us. I had fully convinced myself we were not meant to be together.

 

But then he came back. And we, too, had a long talk. About the hurt he put me through, about what he needed to improve on as a partner and as a person going forward. He said he understood; he promised he would work on everything I had mentioned. I was confused. I didn't know what I felt anymore. So we kissed, spent the night together, and began to see one another again.

 

It lasted two months. Like you, nearly every day was constant anxiety for me. Everything was going fine on the surface, but I was carrying so much emotional burden. I loved him, but it wasn't the same. He was failing to do the things he had promised me he would (despite him constantly telling me he was trying), and it left me exceedingly frustrated and hurt on a daily basis. Every day the feeling of us not being right for one another was getting stronger, and I couldn't see myself marrying him anymore. Eventually I knew I had fallen out of love with him, despite how deeply I loved him as a person. So, I ended our relationship for good. That was almost 3 months ago, and we haven't spoken since.

 

I feel guilty, too. But in the end, it wasn't my fault. It was neither of our faults. We both cared immensely for each other; we both wanted it to work. But the fact is, it wasn't, and us trying to force it was only hurting us in the end. It sucks, truly. But you have to remember that no amount of love can change the fact that you aren't right for one another. To truly move on, you must accept this, and allow it to pave your path going forward. Remember that you did you and him BOTH a favor by ending a relationship that was not meant to last. Trust your heart on this. You will thank yourself for it, and I promise that he will eventually thank you, too.

 

I think I can provide perspective from the male point on this. I'm on the opposite end of rainorshine's message. In our relationship there were things I needed to do, but didn't because of a mix of physical pain, inertia and thinking there was always more time. Mostly physical pain which I didn't push through or sometimes even try. I'm working on those things and actually doing it so that if I get second chance then I will have actually done what needed to be done not just say it. Showing it holds much more weight. If he says he can change he might or might not follow through. From your post it sounds like you probably need to see the changes before you know if it's enough to change your feelings.

 

This is hard for both sides, but being the guy in almost exact situation you described I can say if you don't feel it then don't do something short term as it will end up hurting you both. I don't want her to date me out of pity. I want it to be out of love and seeing a future. There isn't a right or wrong way to heal so not proscribing anything, but it feels like you need the space to explore your feelings without him in the mix bringing guilt. It probably isn't intentional on his part at all, but it still brings it. You can take as much time as you need to know what you want and respectfully ask him to refrain from contact until you know. I am doing that with my ex and it is HARD. Everyday I want to contact her, but don't because it would only harm things as she requested time and space. If it is meant to be he will respect your time and space and you will eventually feel like trying again. If it isn't then you won't have hurt yourself more by having to break both your hearts again.

 

Sometimes there is no bad party. It just wasn't meant to be. But it definitely hurts.

[RainyCoast]

Look, it's not like you need a five page document that lists some horrid things to justify breaking up. Any reason is good, if you don't honestly feel like you can stay and be a loving appreciative, or happy partner. I simply don't love you/ it's not what I want/ my heart isn't in it any more is all good enough.

 

Why isn't it? You talk like you're a bad person for not feeling it any more, but you acted with sincerity and integrity by breaking it off and liberating him so he can pursue something that's not half hearted. I think a good person does that, and understand the hurting party may have a need to view them unfavorably until they regain their strength and are able to look at the past with less bias.

 

There's a huge difference in the love that one conceptually has the capacity for and feels, and the love they can make manifest. He may have felt like he loved you, and you may have known the sentiment to be true- but it didn't translate to him being the partner you wanted or needed in practice. That happens, people don't need to be hating or hurting each other to break up.

 

Instead of feeling guilt or obligation to someone just because they didn't actually do anything horrible to me, I would look at this gratitude, knowing that despite not being right for each other we had the benevolence, respect and humanity to think of each other with care and affection. Break ups aren't always dignified, so cherish that this ending was much softer than had either of you resorted to defences, blame, and black and white thinking that renders the other a criminal almost.

[Rose Mosse]

Sorry to interrupt your regularly scheduled programming but... he was the bad guy. He lied and didn't acknowledge your concerns or feelings during the relationship. You also experienced anxiety attacks putting yourself in the same position again (envisioning even if briefly) what it's like to date again. Get away from any contact with him while you're vulnerable. Hit ignore or physically look for the mute button in your phone contact (his phone number) and mute his contact. Do not pick up any phone calls and let all the messages go to mute and voicemail. If he clogs up your voicemail, block the number for one to two weeks if necessary. Some people like blocking. I've blocked once or twice but found that wasn't useful to the situation and I preferred to be in control of the situation (aware of everything coming at me). Generally with some firmness, people do realize when over means over and you can do so respectfully.

 

You also move on by acknowledging all the other blessings in your life and being grateful and thankful for what you do have. That's what always put me on the right track forwards.

[RainyCoast]

Sometimes it's tempting to think the other was entirely bad because that makes us better,

 

And other times, it is easier (or just a more established habit) to hammer it in our heads we're the bad guy because that protects the fantasy of how much the other loved us.

 

He could talk about his feelings for you, he could actually feel them, he could be sentimental or too attached, but his actions left you displeased enough to leave.

 

Conceptual love is easy. It's the practice part where people overestimate themselves and others, and it's okay to leave because there's enough evidence of the feelings they talk about not translating to practice.

 

It may soothe you now, to think you were very loved, but you were undernourished enough to lose the will for more.

 

I suspect there's more attachment and safety in play for him, in that he fears losing more than he is prone to giving.

[figureitout23]

Look, it's not like you need a five page document that lists some horrid things to justify breaking up. Any reason is good, if you don't honestly feel like you can stay and be a loving appreciative, or happy partner. I simply don't love you/ it's not what I want/ my heart isn't in it any more is all good enough.

 

Why isn't it? You talk like you're a bad person for not feeling it any more, but you acted with sincerity and integrity by breaking it off and liberating him so he can pursue something that's not half hearted. I think a good person does that, and understand the hurting party may have a need to view them unfavorably until they regain their strength and are able to look at the past with less bias.

 

There's a huge difference in the love that one conceptually has the capacity for and feels, and the love they can make manifest. He may have felt like he loved you, and you may have known the sentiment to be true- but it didn't translate to him being the partner you wanted or needed in practice. That happens, people don't need to be hating or hurting each other to break up.

 

Instead of feeling guilt or obligation to someone just because they didn't actually do anything horrible to me, I would look at this gratitude, knowing that despite not being right for each other we had the benevolence, respect and humanity to think of each other with care and affection. Break ups aren't always dignified, so cherish that this ending was much softer than had either of you resorted to defences, blame, and black and white thinking that renders the other a criminal almost.

 

I agree with this and I will add all these dramatics are self induced.

 

Staying in contact with him and dramatizing and romanticizing things isoverkill.

 

This is isn’t Romeo and Juliet, this is a relationship that ran it’s course and now you want to linger for the emotional boost, benefits and crutch... not cool.

 

Clean break. Lingering is unfair to you and especially to him.

 

No more games no more contact no more ‘weak moments’, call a spade a spade this guilt is cause you know you shouldn’t be hanging around for your benefit so stop doing it.

[moonandsun]

Hey everyone, thank you for your replies.

 

They all mean a lot to me and are really helpful.

 

The one thing I don't know how to get through is this horrible feeling that when I'm with him it's wrong, and when I'm not, it's wrong too.

 

It's like I have no idea what is right anymore. And it hurts because ever since we parted ways this week after I told him we both need to move on, I've missed him terribly. I wake up every morning missing him and it hurts because a huge part of me knows being with him again would be a mistake. But then being without him feels wrong too. And I just don't know how to shake through this. This feeling almost paralyzes me.

 

Don't really know what I'm asking, just kind of venting.