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My boyfriend does not like to be romantic with me


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So this is something I feel very confused about and almost guilty, but I almost don’t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 and a half years, I’ve known him for a long long time, we are best friends. I can be my complete self with him and get along great and have a lot of the same views on life. I love him a lot. However, he does have some intimacy issues sometimes and it’s a bit tough because he’s not romantic with me almost ever. Now I definitely don’t need anything fancy, I don’t need fancy clothes and nice jewelry and I don’t need him to spend a lot of money. It’s not about that kind of stuff. I’m pretty simple, I like flowers, I enjoy surprise homecooked meals, or even just a spontaneous date night or movie night is cool with me. But my boyfriend doesn’t do any of these things at all. And I don’t want to be shallow or rude or be demanding or be materialistic in any way. But there is literally no romance from him at all and at times it hurts. I’ve put up with it and ignored it for a long time because I do love him and we do have a very strong relationship and I do not want to throw away something just because of that. But it’s getting to a point where it’s starting to really upset me. I have friends who have boyfriends that will surprise them with a bowl and a nice hot bath and their favorite wine when they come home from a long day of work. But I can’t even get my boyfriend to buy me flowers, even if I try to hint at it, he asks “why would you want flowers they are just gonna die”. I feel guilty because I don’t want to be upset about this and I don’t want to worry about it but at times I do not feel special. Even on our anniversary there is nothing. I have to plan out where we will eat and the hotel and everything. There’s never even been so much as rose petals on the bed. We barely have sex either. It’s just been 2 and a half years and I thought maybe something like this would improve but nothing has changed and I’m just starting to feel almost lonely. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if it’s wrong to break up with him, and I really don’t want to because I really love him and that’s not what I want to do but I just have no idea what to do about it. Any advice is extremely appreciated.

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I don’t know how to fix it, I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if it’s wrong to break up with him, and I really don’t want to because I really love him and that’s not what I want to do but I just have no idea what to do about it. Any advice is extremely appreciated.

 

Tell him what you need. Tell him what makes you feel loved and happy and ask him if this is something he can do.

Try not to criticize by telling him what he is doing wrong. He'll become defensive and when someones defenses go up, they aren't very good at taking in information.

 

You've got quite of list of things you are unhappy about, but hinting and hoping has gotten you no where. It's time to do something different. Do both of you a favor and speak up before you consider leaving. Give this relationship a chance to be successful and the only to do that is if you both have the right information. For all you know, he has no clue.

 

At the same time manage your expectations. This is who he is and maybe he can make an adjustment, but don't expect a miracle.

 

Tell him.

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Girl, it's almost like I wrote this myself. I completely understand. My boyfriend is the same way. Getting him to be romantic is a serious struggle. I have brought it up to him (in our case we used to have sex 2-3 times per day and now it's like once a month If I'm lucky). You need to talk to your man. I didn't break up with my boyfriend over it but you definitely need to talk to him. if he really is your best friend and you can be yourself, you shouldn't be ashamed. you have needs too! it could be something as simple as him being insecure about himself sexually, and you letting him know it's okay. or it could be something deeper. talking it out is always the best option and if you explain your wants and needs to him and he doesn't understand, you will need to reevaluate some things.

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My wife has never got me flowers or put rose pedals on the bed, either.

 

Half joking aside, you either appreciate how your partner expresses their love and appreciation or you don't. You're not wrong either way, but how you choose to carry on from there very well may be. For instance, if him not cooking you meals results in an unequal division of labor in the grand scheme of things, then yeah, let him know. If it's simply that you don't feel special because he brought home pizza earlier that week but doesn't present you breakfast in bed, then you kinda gotta acknowledge that's not a service he's inclined to provide. And if you can't draw appreciation for what he does provide, that's a sure sign of incompatibility. Your mistake seems to have been that you noticed it long ago but continued on hoping it would change rather than accepting him for who he is.

 

If my wife were to bring home pizza or even just McDonald's even just once a month, I'd be on cloud nine. But that's not who she is. Her head tells her that once work's done, it's time to bee-line it home with no other thought. That's fine with me because I appreciate all the other ways she shows she appreciates me. Conversely, I'll be the first to admit I am never going to sprinkle rose pedals on the bed for her, and I am not someone anyone would consider conventionally romantic. Between us, I am the cook, though that's because I'm Spanish and Italian and genetically had zero say in the matter. Still, in her words, it's the humor, security, and handiness I provide which she appreciates the most, though I'm not sure in what order. She also gets a kick of the fact I love our cats well beyond the extent a grown ma should. But we go to Duane Reade after Valentine's Day to get the candy at 50% discount. That's how romantic I am.

 

So do a no-BS assessment. Who he is either works for you or it doesn't.

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You’re living in a fairytale. You repeatedly say how wonderful your relationship is but you’re bummed about flowers? I hope you ditch this thinking and just realize you have a good man and soak it up. I get it. You want a random gesture of love. But the fact that he’s a great man should be enough! Do you understand how lucky you are? By having a skewed TV like reality in your mind could screw up something great! No one is perfect and it will never be the way you imagined. But come on you have a great guy! Who cares about flowers or romantic gestures. I guarantee it could be a bajillion times worse! You admit you have a good one so suck it up, you will never receive a real life mould of the man of your dreams.

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I send flowers to my husband (when we were dating and also as a married couple). I'm also into candles so I do all that. There's really nowhere that says women can't send flowers or do anything they please. The beauty about long term commitment is that you have the freedom to express yourself in a safe space and appreciate each other without being judged. At least that's what I think. He buys me flowers too. It goes both ways. I firmly believe in love that is demonstrative rather than something that is requested or dictated. If you want something, behave like the example and show the other person not just what you like but what you are like. I don't like saying this but you may not be a woman that evokes that type of emotion in him (barring the five love languages - I just know someone will use this). You being miserable really isn't helping the situation.

 

If he doesn't respond or isn't kind or considerate or loving to you in any way, well, I think you should think long and hard about why you've settled with someone who doesn't make you feel special. He may have issues related to self-esteem or depression that are out of your control. You should know what the causes are for this dynamic in your relationship. Be honest with yourselves and go from there.

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Planning something half way decent for an anniversary should be a no brainer.

 

The way you express love is obviously very diff from him, it's really up to you to decide whether it's something you can put up with or not.

 

Personally, I like abit of romance, so I can see why it'd be a problem. I like to give the ones I love gifts and make things for them so if they never do the same, it would bother me and I wouldn't stay with them.

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I think you should express what you want (with no criticism), but you need to express your needs. Communication is key in any relationship. It might make him see that he could make a little effort to meet you half way. You also need to access what's reasonable and important (planning something on your aniversary and making an effort to keep a good sex life seems reasonable to me) and what's accessory and out of his character (rose petals in the bed for example or some grand romantic comedy act).

 

If it doesn't go there with healthy communication you might try couples counseling, but it might boil down to a lack of compatibility that you either have to accept or leave to find something that suits your needs better.

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Sorry to hear this. How old is he? Do you live together? When did the sex/affection start to decline. Rose pedals are the lea of your problems. Your relationship is deteriorating overall and you are very incompatible. So it's not about breaking up over romance movie scenes and what your friends do, it's about being with the wrong guy altogether.

 

He is not going to change and you're not going to fix him. It would also help to have a more realistic view of romance and stop worrying about rose pedals, bubble baths and keeping up with the Joneses.

dating for 2 and a half years.

We barely have sex either.

I’m just starting to feel almost lonely.

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I'm in the same boat!!!! Same relationship timeline, same sexlessness! The most intimate we get these days is just overly sharing our body functions! I obviously don't have great advice on how to change HIS behavior seeing as we have the same problem... ultimately we can only change our own. Do you have a mutual friend who you can ask to help him plan something? Then he won't have to initially put all the thought and effort in, but maybe when he sees the joy it brings you, it might lead him to implement it more often and put the effort in. Just a thought. xo

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My advice is to read about the five love languages. Together!

 

We all have different needs (love languages) and we tend to give our partner what we ourselves need (assuming it's what they need too) versus what they need which may be something entirely different!

 

After which we become resentful because although they are giving, based on their own needs, they are not giving you what you need.

 

My two main love languages are quality time and acts of service. With quality time, that doesn't necessarily mean a lot of time, but the time together is quality.

 

My bf's are the same so we match.

 

With my ex before him, his main LL was physical touch.

 

He was constantly touching me, lots of PDA which I did not need nor even want.

 

In turn, he felt I was not affectionate enough outside the bedroom because I wasn't constantly falling all over him, which is what he needed.

 

In turn I didn't feel he gave me enough quality time, he was always working! Even when home, he would often work.

 

CLASH!

 

Another LL is gift giving. I have found this to be a big sore spot with some couples.

 

Lots of threads about how a partner (typically a woman) felt hurt because her bf didn't give her a gift, or the gift she expected or wanted.

 

She associates gift giving with his love, and would shower him with gifts herself.

 

But since he wasn't doing same in return, she felt unloved.

 

Meanwhile he does not see it as a big deal because he himself doesn't need gifts to feel loved.

 

His LL is different.

 

Anyway, that's my suggestion. Pick up the book, read together. It's on Amazon, very popular.

 

It may provide you with a new understanding of each other!

 

Hopefully.

Edited by katrina1980
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Have you considered telling him how you feel? I wonder if he realizes how lonely you are starting to feel. When my husband and I were going through a hard time I talked to my pastor and I saw Christian counselor. Both offered good, sound advice. Do you have anyone like that in your life that you can talk to you? Sometimes it just helps to talk. One of the things they recommend to my husband and I were to plan a weekly date night and to protect that time. You may want to consider having your boyfriend plan every other date night. It’s been fun for my husband and I to try to come up with inexpensive things to do together and it has brought us closer together. I’m glad you reached out and I will be praying for you this week, for God’s direction and for peace with your decisions. Big hug!

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No romance AND you barely ever have sex? That's too much. You could talk to him about it or seek counseling. If the sex has tapered off, his love level has gone down for you. Romance could be that or because he's just not romantic, but he needs to learn. Women need sex and romance to stay in love with a man.

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